The Ugly Sister (4 page)

Chapter 9

Truth or Dare

Sex with Brian had been familiar, comforting and tender.  It was usually a lights off affair, with him on top and me on the bottom, and at the end he’d kiss me on the nose and tell me he loved me.  On Valentine’s Day, he’d always give me a silk nightie that showed off my best asset, my large breasts. I would wear it for about two minutes before turning off the lights and stripping it off, and that’s about as wild as we got.

But now that Rio sent my hormones into overdrive—and I’d been without regular sex for the first time in years—I wanted to get my freak on.  I didn’t even know what that meant, but I wanted to find out.

To educate myself, I looked at some internet porn, and then imagined Rio and I doing the exact same things.  Him pinning my arms behind my back and taking me doggystyle.  Or planting his head between my thighs and licking me slowly, gently easing his fingers inside me and sliding them in and out.  Or plunging his tongue in my mouth and shooting his hot white essence all over my stomach. 

I’m not going to lie.  I spend the afternoon going at myself like a horny teenage boy, and I’m about to go another round when the front door swings open.  I’m on the couch and fortunately, my nether regions are hidden under a blanket.  I quickly pull my hand up and put it in full view just in time.  My sister comes in the door and drops a small duffel bag by the door, looking at me strangely.

“It smells weird in here,” she says. “Bad, like something died.  Of leprosy, and then spent a week rotting in the sun.”

For a minute I’m paranoid that while exercising my self love, I released some kind of crotch funk I wasn’t aware I had.   Then I realize it’s the lingering stench of the microwave tempeh chili that I picked up at the health food store on my way home from the gym.  It tasted even worse than it smelled, so I dumped it in the trash and ate a monster salad instead.

“Whose are these?” April asks, picking up my running shoes.

“Mine—I joined a gym today.  I got a personal trainer, and I’m keeping a food journal.”

“Oh my God, that’s such great news, Ember.”  She sits next to me on the couch. “You’ve always been so self conscious about your weight.  This is going to make you feel so good.”

I shrug.  “It was only my first day, so we’ll see how it goes.”

“This calls for celebration,” she says, retrieving her duffle bag and pulling out a bottle of wine.  She goes to the kitchen and comes back holding two glasses of Merlot.  She hands me one and makes her way to the iPod deck in the corner. 

When she turns it on, Dolly Parton’s version of
I Will Always Love You
comes on.  “What the hell is ‘When Forever Ends’?”  April shuts off Dolly Parton and shoots me an accusatory look.  “I wanted to give you some space while you went through your grieving period, but if I knew it was this bad, I would have staged an intervention.” 

She fiddles with the iPod and puts on Pink’s
So
What, I’m
Still A Rockstar
.  “Now that’s a break up song,” she says, sitting next to me on the couch, wine in hand.  “So does this mean you’re coming out of your funk? Because I’ve been trying to give you space—I figured the last thing you need is me and Drew under your feet being all gross and lovey dovey when you’re in the middle of a huge break up.”  She puts her hand on my knee. “But I miss you.”

“Where is Drew, by the way?” I ask.  “I thought you two were attached at the hip.”

“That’s only because I’ve been trying to give you space.”  She reaches for her phone.  “I’ll text him and tell him you and I are hanging out tonight.”

About half way through the bottle of wine, April and I decide to play an old favorite game of ours from when we were kids.

“Truth or dare?” she asks.

“Truth.”  I sip my wine and watch her bite her lip and stare intently at the space above my head, searching for a good question. 

Her eyes light up.  “Tell me about this personal trainer.”  She waggles her eyebrows, knowing me all too well.

“Three words: so fucking hot.  Oh my god, April, you have no idea.  He’s this massive beast of a man with huge muscles and the most manly, gorgeous face ever.”

“I figured. The food journal was a dead giveaway.  You’d never do something like that on your own.  So are you gonna eee-er eee-er eee-er eee-er,” she says, indicating the sound of a creaking bed.

“No!  He’s my trainer, not a male prostitute.  And anyway, I need his help.  There’s something really motivational about having a hot personal trainer.  It’s like you want to impress him, so it motivates you to work extra hard.”

“Mmmm, extra hard.  She waggles her eyebrows again. “Okay, now me—truth or dare.”  Before I can reply she says, “Dare!” She always picks dare, nine times out of ten.

I think for a minute before saying, “Call Drew and tell him—and it has to be convincing—that you had a sex change operation. You used to be a man.”

She nods confidently, grabs her phone and puts it on speakerphone.  It rings three times before he picks up.  “Hey beautiful,” he says.

“Drew, there’s something I need to talk to you about.  It’s serious.”  She has a big smile on her face, and I know he’s never going to believe her.

“Am I on speaker phone?”

“Yeah, Ember’s here.  She’s giving me emotional support so I can admit something very difficult.  I’ve wanted to tell you about this for a long time, but I didn’t know how.”  April looks at me with a huge smile and puts her hand over her mouth.

“What is it?”

“Well, before we met…I wasn’t the person you know today.”

“Okay.”

“I didn’t know how to tell you, but since we’ve gotten so serious, I feel like you deserve to know. I used to be a man. I used to have a peen, but now I have a poon.”

I put a pillow over my face and lay back on the couch to stop myself from laughing.

“Uh huh,” he says patiently.  “Well that’s very brave of you to tell me.  And now that you’ve been honest with me, I feel free to tell you something that I’ve been hiding.”

“What?” asks April.

“Before I met you…”  He exhales loudly. “I killed a prostitute and mummified her in my basement.”

April and I exchange an annoyed glance. “Come on Drew,” she says.  “I’m being serious here.  I’m trying to tell you something very personal and you’re turning it into a joke.”  

“Huh.  Well, I’m sorry I didn’t take you seriously, but I still love you, and we can talk about this tomorrow.  Have fun with your sister—hi Ember.”

“Hi Drew!” I say before they sign off.

“Sorry, he didn’t buy it,” April says.  “I think I need to work on my acting skills.”

“Don’t blame yourself.  It was pretty unbelievable—you did what you could with the material.”

“Okay, now your turn.”  April grabs the wine bottle and pours the last few drops into her glass.  “Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” I say.

“You always pick truth.”

“Fine then, dare.”

She rubs hands together and smiles mischievously.  “Okay, I dare you go to a bar with me tonight and hook up someone new.”

Chapter 10

Crossroads

“That is so not going to happen,” I say.  “I just got out of a relationship three months ago—there’s no way I’m going out with you.  I already know I’m the ugly sister.  I don’t need it rubbed in my face.”

“Ember, that’s a horrible thing to say.”

“It’s true!  I’m the hot girl’s fat sister and every guy in the bar is going to rush over to talk to you while some poor wingman gets stuck with me.”

“First off, that’s your low self esteem talking, not reality.  You need to get over it and give yourself a chance.  You’re adorable, caring, funny,
beautiful,
and any guy would be lucky to have you.  And second, you chose dare and this is your dare, so stop acting like you have a choice in this.”

“April, I’m very emotionally fragile right now.  I don’t need to be brought down any further.  I might never get back up again.”

She rolls her eyes.  “Ugh, fine.  I respect the fact that you don’t want me cock blocking you tonight, so how about this?  I’ll make myself look really unattractive so there’s no question that you’re the babe, and no one will have any interest in dating me.”

I narrow my eyes at her. “How?”

“You’ll see, but trust me.  Once I’m finished, I’ll be completely undatable.

“That’s impossible.”

She claps her hands and rubs them together. “Challenge accepted.”

Twenty minutes later, I’m standing in the living room wearing a black dress, heels and red lipstick. 

“Are you almost ready?” I call out to my sister. 

She opens her bedroom door and steps out, and I’m impressed.  She’s wearing her hair in a ponytail, showing off an impressive hunchback at the back of her neck.  And her face is scrubbed free of makeup, except for a massive cold sore on the side of her lip.

I whistle.  “I take it back.  You look…awful.”

“I was going to give myself a missing hand, but then I thought, overkill.”

I lean in to take a closer look at the cold sore, impressed at how realistic it looks.

“Lip liner and crafting glue,” she says.  “Now come on, let’s go.  We’re going to Crossroads.”

“I’m not going there!  People we know go there.  Let’s go to an old man bar where we won’t run into anyone. ”

“First of all, I’m the one who should be embarrassed tonight, not you.  And second, you’re not going to meet a romantic prospect at an old man bar.  Plus Crossroads is the only bar in walking distance, and after all the wine we’ve had, I’m not good to drive.”

I can’t argue with the last part, so I grab my purse and give myself one last glimpse in the mirror before we walk out into the night.

Crossroads is a cozy bar with Christmas lights strung around the windows, a long array of scarred wooden booths, and a good selection of three dollar beers.  It’s also the only decent bar in town, so it’s always lively.

We’re about to claim an open section of the bar when we spot Drew at the far end.  He’s so attractive it’s almost painful to look at him.  He must have shaved, because his scruff is gone, revealing perfect bone structure and highlighting his strong square jaw.  He’s wearing a simple navy blue t-shirt that moulds perfectly to his broad shoulders.  He isn’t nearly as buff as Rio, but there’s something elegant about his long, lean good looks.  Even in a t-shirt, he could rival any GQ model.

He also looks extremely confused as we approach him. “What the hell is that?” he asks, reaching a finger toward my sister’s mouth.

She flinches.  “Don’t touch the cold sore, son. It’s my masterpiece.”

“It’s a piece of something.  And what’s this?”  He pokes her hunchback, looking even more confused.

“Ember didn’t want me cock blocking her tonight,” April explains, “so we made me look undatable.  Did it work?”

“Yeah, herpes of the mouth tends to have that effect,” he says.  “You’re extra weird when you hang out with your sister, you know that?”

“Thanks,” April says absently as she scans the bar. “Now let’s find a hottie to hit this.” She jabs a thumb at me.  “Drew, will you order us some shots?”

April and I are scanning the bar for romantic prospects when the front door opens and Brian walks in with his new girlfriend.  I duck behind Drew before he sees me and tug on April’s sleeve.

“He’s here,” I say.  “Brian—and his new girlfriend.”

“That asshole! I’ll kill him.” 

“No.”  I yank her down so my ex doesn’t spot her, which could betray my own position.  “I’m in no state for a run in right now.  I just want to slip out and not deal with any of this tonight.”

“The hell you won’t,” she says.  “I’ll tell you what you’re going to do. Happiness is the best revenge.  So you’re going to saunter right past him with your hot new boyfriend, Drew, and show him how ridiculously happy you are.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Oh you can,” says April.  “He’s the one who acted like a complete ball sack—if anyone should be slinking out of here in shame, it’s him.  You’re the one who deserves to hold your head high.  You’re the one who deserves to win the break up, and to do that, you need to show him you’re happier without him than you ever were when you two were together.”

Drew turns from the bar and presents us with two shot glasses.  April grabs them and holds one out to me.  “Here. Liquid courage.”

We both drink out shots, and then my sister explains the situation to Drew.  Maybe it’s all the alcohol I drank tonight, because as I listen to her, it seems like a perfectly reasonable plan.  When Drew agrees to help, she scuttles off to the back of the bar to avoid being seen so Brian doesn’t figure anything out.

“You ready to do this thing?” Drew asks.  I nod, and together we make our way to the other side of the bar where Brian and his new girlfriend are ordering their drinks.