The Unfortunate Traveller and Other Works (30 page)

These lovely youths and full of favour, having stalked up and down the just measures of a sinkapace,
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opened one of the principal chests they brought, and out of it plucked a princely royal tent, whose empearled shining canopy they quickly advanced on high, and with all artificial magnificence adorned like a state; which performed, pompous Lucifer entered, imitating in goodly stature the huge picture
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of Laocoon at Rome, who sent unto him a gallant ambassador, signifying thus much, that if he would serve him, he should have all the rich treasure that he saw there, or any further wealth he would desire.

The gentleman returned this mild answer, that he knew not what he was, whether an angel or a wicked fiend, and if an angel, he was but his fellow servant, and no otherwise to be served or regarded; if a fiend, or a devil, he had nothing to do with him, for God had exalted and redeemed him above his desperate outcast condition, and a strong faith he had to defy and withstand all his juggling temptations. Having uttered these words, all the whole train of them invisibly avoided, and he never set eye on them after.

Then did there, for the third pageant, present themselves unto him an inveigling troop of naked virgins, thrice more amiable and beautiful than the bright vestals that brought in Augustus' Testament to the Senate after his decease; but no vestal-like ornament had they about them, for from top to toe bare despoiled they were, except some one or two of them that ware masks before their faces, and had transparent azured lawn veils before the chief jewel-houses of their honours.

Such goodly lustful bonarobaes
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they were, by his report, as if any sharp-eyed painter had been there to peruse them, he might have learned to exceed divine Michael Angelo in the true bosk
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of a naked, or curious Tuns
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in quick life,
whom the great masters of that art do term the sprightly old man.

Their hair they ware loose unrolled about their shoulders, whose dangling amber trammels reaching down beneath their knees seemed to drop balm on their delicious bodies, and ever as they moved to and fro, with their light windy wavings, wantonly to correct their exquisite mistresses.

Their dainty feet in their tender birdlike trippings enamelled, as it were, the dusty ground; and their odoriferous breath more perfumed the air than ordnance would that is charged with amomum, musk, civet and amber-greece.
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But to leave amplifications and proceed. Those sweet bewitching naked maids, having majestically paced about the chamber, to the end their natural unshelled shining mother pearl proportions might be more imprintingly apprehended, close to his bedside modestly blushing they approached, and made impudent proffer unto him of their lascivious embraces. He, obstinately bent to withstand these their sinful allurements, no less than the former, bad them go seek entertainment of hotter bloods, for he had not to satisfy them. A cold comfort was this to poor wenches no better clothed, yet they hearing what to trust to, very sorrowfully retired and shrunk away.

Lo, in the fourth act there sallied out a grave assembly of sober-attired matrons, much like the virgins of Mary Magdalen's order in Rome, which vow never to see man, or the chaste daughters of Saint Philip.
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With no incontinent courtesy did they greet him, but told him if he thought good they would pray for him.

Thereupon, from the beginning to the ending he unfolded unto them how he had been mightily haunted with wicked illusions of late, but nevertheless, if he could be persuaded that they were angels or saints, their invocations could not
hurt him; yea, he would add his desire to their requests to make their prayers more penetrably enforcing.

Without further parley, upon their knees they fell most devoutly and for half-an-hour never ceased extensively to intercessionate
GOD
for his speedy recovery.

Rising up again on the right hand of his bed, there appeared a clear light, and with that he might perceive a naked slender foot offering to steal betwixt the sheets in to him.

At which instant, entered a messenger from a knight of great honour thereabouts, who sent him a most precious extract quintessence to drink; which no sooner he tasted, but he thought he saw all the fore-named interluders at once hand-over-head leap, plunge and drown themselves in puddles and ditches hard by, and he felt perfect ease.

But long it lasted not with him, for within four hours after, having not fully settled his estate in order, he grew to trifling dotage, and raving died within two days following.

God is my witness, in all this relation I borrow no essential part from stretched-out invention, nor have I one jot abused my informations; only for the recreation of my readers, whom loath to tire with a coarse home-spun tale that should dull them worse than Holland cheese, here and there I welt and gard
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it with allusive exornations
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and comparisons; and yet methinks it comes off too gouty and lumbering.

Be it as it will, it is like to have no more allowance of English for me. If the world will give it any allowance of truth, so it is. For then I hope my excuse is already lawfully customed and authorized, since Truth is ever drawn and painted naked, and I have lent her but a leathern patched cloak at most to keep her from the cold; that is, that she come not off too lamely and coldly.

Upon the accidental occasion of this dream or apparition (call or miscall it what you will, for it is yours as freely as any waste paper that ever you had in your lives) was this
pamphlet (no bigger than an old preface) speedily botched up and compiled.

Are there any doubts which remain in your mind undigested, as touching this incredible narration I have unfolded? Well, doubt you not, but I am mild and tractable and will resolve you in what I may.

First, the house where this gentleman dwelt stood in a low marish ground, almost as rotten a climate as the Low Countries, where their misty air is as thick as mould butter, and the dew lies like frothy barm on the ground. It was noted over and besides to have been an unlucky house to all his predecessors, situate in a quarter not altogether exempted from witches. The abrupt falling into his sickness was suspicious, proceeding from no apparent surfeit or mis-diet. The outrageous tyranny of it in so short a time bred thrice more admiration and wonder, and his sudden death incontinent
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ensuing upon that his disclosed dream or vision, might seem some probable reason to confirm it, since none have such palpable dreams or visions but die presently after.

The like to this was Master Alington's vision
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in the beginning of Her Majesty's reign; than the which there is nothing more ordinarily bruited.
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Through Greek and Roman commonplaces to this purport I could run, if I were disposed to vaunt myself like a ridiculous pedant of deep reading in Fulgosius,
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Licosthenesla
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and Valerius.
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Go no further than the Court, and they will tell you of a mighty worthy man of this land, who riding in his coach from London to his house was all the way haunted with a
couple of hogs, who followed him close, and do what his men could, they might not drive them from him. Wherefore at night he caused them to be shut up in a barn and commanded milk to be given them; the barn door was locked, and the key safely kept, yet were they gone by morning, and no man knew how.

A number of men there be yet living who have been haunted by their wives after their death about forswearing themselves and undoing their children of whom they promised to be careful fathers; whereof I can gather no reason but this, that women are born to torment a man both alive and dead.

I have heard of others likewise, that besides these night-terrors, have been, for whole months together, whithersoever they went or rid, pursued by weasels and rats, and oftentimes with squirrels and hares, that in the travelling of three hundred mile have still waited on their horse heels.

But those are only the exploits and stratagems of witches, which may well astonish a little at first sight, but if a man have the least heart or spirit to withstand one fierce blast of their bravadoes, he shall see them shrink faster than northern cloth,
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and outstrip time in dastardly flight.

Fie, fie, was ever poor fellow so far benighted in an old wive's tale of devils and urchins!
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Out upon it, I am weary of it, for it hath caused such a thick fulsome serena
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to descend on my brain that now my pen makes blots as broad as a furred stomacher, and my muse inspires me to put out my candle and go to bed; and yet I will not neither, till, after all these nights' revels I have solemnly bid you goodnight, as much to say as tell you how you shall have a good night, and sleep quietly without affrightment and annoyance.

First and foremost, drink moderately, and dice and drab
not away your money prodigally and then foreswear yourselves to borrow more.

You that be poor men's children, know your own fathers; and though you can shift and cheat yourselves into good clothes here about town, yet bow your knees to their leathern bags and russet coats, that they may bless you from the ambition of Tyburn.

You that bear the name of soldiers and live basely swaggering in every ale-house, having no other exhibition but from harlots and strumpets, seek some new trade, and leave whoring and quarrelling, lest besides the nightly guilt of your own bankrout consciences, Bridewell or Newgate prove the end of your cavaliering.

You, whosoever or wheresoever you be, that live by spoiling and overreaching young gentlemen, and make but a sport to deride their simplicities to their undoing, to you the night at one time or other will prove terrible, except you forthwith think on restitution; or if you have not your night in this world, you will have it in hell.

You that are married and have wives of your own, and yet hold too near friendship with your neighbours', set up your rests
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that the night will be an ill neighbour to your rest and that you shall have as little peace of mind as the rest. Therefore was Troy burnt by night, because Paris by night prostituted Helena, and wrought such treason to Prince Menelaus.

You that are Machiavellian vain fools, and think it no wit or policy but to vow and protest what you never mean, that travel for nothing else but to learn the vices of other countries and disfigure the ill English faces that God hath given you with Tuscan glicks
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and apish tricks: the night is for you a black saunt
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or a matachine,
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except you presently turn and convert to the simplicity you were born to.

You that can cast a man into an Italian ague when you
list, and imitate with your diet-drinks any disease or infirmity, the night likewise hath an infernal to act before ye.

Traitors that by night meet and consult how to walk in the day undiscovered, and think those words of Christ revealed and laid open: to you no less the night shall be as a night owl to vex and torment you.

And finally, on you judges and magistrates, if there be any amongst you that do wrest all the law into their own hands, by drawing and receiving every man's money into their hands, and making new golden laws of their own, which no prince nor parliament ever dreamed of; that look as just as Jehovah by day, enthronizing grave zeal and religion on the elevated whites of their eyes, when by night corrupt gifts and rewards rush in at their gates in whole armies, like northern carriers coming to their inn; that instead of their books turn over their bribes, for the deciding of causes, adjudging him the best right that brings the richest present unto them. If any such there be, I say, as in our Commonwealth I know none, but have read of in other states, let them look to have a number of unwelcome clients of their own accusing thoughts and imaginations that will betray them in the night to every idle fear and illusion.

Therefore are the terrors of the night more than of the day, because the sins of the night surmount the sins of the day.

By night-time came the Deluge over the face of the whole earth; by night-time Judas betrayed Christ, Tarquin ravished Lucretia.

When any poet would describe a horrible tragical accident, to add the more probability and credence unto it, he dismally beginneth to tell how it was dark night when it was done and cheerful daylight had quite abandoned the firmament

Hence it is, that sin generally throughout the scripture is called the works of darkness; for never is the devil so busy as then, and then he thinks he may as well undiscovered walk abroad, as homicides and outlaws.

Had we no more religion than we might derive from
heathen fables, methinks those doleful quiristers of the night, the scritch-owl, the nightingale, and croaking frogs, might overawe us from any insolent transgression at that time. The first for her lavish blabbing of forbidden secrets, being for ever ordained to be a blab of ill-news and misfortune, still is crying out in our ears that we are mortal and must die. The second puts us in mind of the end and punishment of lust and ravishment.
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And the third and last, that we are but slime and mud, such as those watery creatures are bred of; and therefore why should we delight to add more to our slime and corruption, by extraordinary surfeits and drunkenness?

But these are nothing neither in comparison. For he whom in the day heaven cannot exhale, the night will never help; she only pleading for her old grandmother hell. as well as the day for heaven.

Thus I shut up my treatise abruptly: that he who in the day doth not good works enough to answer the objections of the night, will hardly answer at the Day of Judgment.

FINIS

OR