The Union Quilters (36 page)

Mendacity, Thy Name Is Woman!

 

Faithful readers of the
Watchman
have seen within these pages many an insightful refutation of the infamous G. A. Bergstrom, who has for the past two years been stirring men’s minds to blood and carnage, and who has desired nothing less than to convince the decent people of Pennsylvania that Abraham Lincoln is the chosen instrument of the Almighty, substituting extreme abolitionist ambitions, perceptions, and bigotry for the gospel of peace. No lover of truth can forget G. A. Bergstrom’s notorious report about Libby Prison, which created consternation in the halls of local government and brought forth new and unnecessary proclamations, all without containing more than a smattering of factual details and the rest pure fiction. This editor knows this for a certainty, because as constant and loyal readers will recall, last year a spinster lady strolled into the
Watchman
offices seeking information about that very prison and undoubtedly also desiring to deceive the editor into betraying illicit communications with an editorial counterpart in the Confederate capital. Since no information was furnished to the spinster lady, who at the time was suspected to be in the employ of G. A. Bergstrom, that hapless scribe would have been obliged to invent such fantastical details as would most incite outrage and dismay. This was indeed what transpired, more to the shame of the newspaper that printed the report.

But as in the words of Shakespeare, “in the end truth will out,” no matter how devious the weaver of lies may be, and “the devil hath power to assume a pleasing shape.” In an act both foolish and rash, the spinster lady identified herself as Miss Gerda Bergstrom before fleeing the
Watchman
offices, her mission thwarted. Once in possession of that information, it was a small matter to discover the suspected agent of G. A. Bergstrom was none other than the “man himself.” As contemptible as
Mr.
Bergstrom was in his love for slander and deception, his female incarnation is nothing less than an unwomanly monstrosity, the Lady Macbeth of Union Hall, responsible for the cancellation of the lecture by prominent Ohio congressman Clement Vallandigham and the manipulative force behind the suppression of free speech in our beloved state. Beating the drum of war, knowing that as a childless spinster she need not fear sacrificing any of her loved ones to the cannons and grapeshot, her hands have become indelibly stained with the blood of the flower of Pennsylvania manhood. Brazen readers will consider the rumors that suggest the attribution “childless spinster” is correct only by half, but the editor will leave it to
Watchman
readers to ruminate upon this fragment of public opinion and decide which half is which.

Sadly, this Medusa whose pen drips with the ink of lies and feminine hysteria brings shame upon her brother, Hans Bergstrom, a known good Democrat who declined citizenship rather than participate in Mr. Lincoln’s abolitionist war, and who has contributed none of his prosperity to the Lincoln demagoguery beyond a few quilts sewn by his wife and given to Union soldiers with the guileless compassion of a true woman’s heart. If the editor were to fault Mr. Bergstrom in any way, it would be to question why he permitted such untruths to be composed beneath his own roof, or, if his spinster sister scribbled her hawkish drivel without his knowledge, why he was unaware of the clandestine activities carried out within his household. However, such blame is disingenuous, for “G. A. Bergstrom” fooled many people for many months, including this editor. One can only hope that once he is aware of his favorite authorʹs identity, the editor of the
Register
will take away Miss Bergstrom’s pen and urge her to follow her dutiful sister-in-law’s example and take up a needle instead.