The Vicar of Wakefield (13 page)

The history of a philosophic vagabond, pursuing novelty, but
losing content

After we had supped, Mrs Arnold politely offered to send a
couple of her footmen for my son's baggage, which he at first
seemed to decline; but upon her pressing the request, he was
obliged to inform her, that a stick and a wallet were all the
moveable things upon this earth that he could boast of. 'Why, aye
my son,' cried I, 'you left me but poor, and poor I find you are
come back; and yet I make no doubt you have seen a great deal of
the world.'—'Yes, Sir,' replied my son, 'but travelling after
fortune, is not the way to secure her; and, indeed, of late, I have
desisted from the pursuit.'—'I fancy, Sir,' cried Mrs Arnold, 'that
the account of your adventures would be amusing: the first part of
them I have often heard from my niece; but could the company
prevail for the rest, it would be an additional
obligation.'—'Madam,' replied my son, 'I promise you the pleasure
you have in hearing, will not be half so great as my vanity in
repeating them; and yet in the whole narrative I can scarce promise
you one adventure, as my account is rather of what I saw than what
I did. The first misfortune of my life, which you all know, was
great; but tho' it distrest, it could not sink me. No person ever
had a better knack at hoping than I. The less kind I found fortune
at one time, the more I expected from her another, and being now at
the bottom of her wheel, every new revolution might lift, but could
not depress me. I proceeded, therefore, towards London in a fine
morning, no way uneasy about tomorrow, but chearful as the birds
that caroll'd by the road, and comforted myself with reflecting
that London was the mart where abilities of every kind were sure of
meeting distinction and reward.

'Upon my arrival in town, Sir, my first care was to deliver your
letter of recommendation to our cousin, who was himself in little
better circumstances than I. My first scheme, you know, Sir, was to
be usher at an academy, and I asked his advice on the affair. Our
cousin received the proposal with a true Sardonic grin. Aye, cried
he, this is indeed a very pretty career, that has been chalked out
for you. I have been an usher at a boarding school myself; and may
I die by an anodyne necklace, but I had rather be an under turnkey
in Newgate. I was up early and late: I was brow-beat by the master,
hated for my ugly face by the mistress, worried by the boys within,
and never permitted to stir out to meet civility abroad. But are
you sure you are fit for a school? Let me examine you a little.
Have you been bred apprentice to the business? No. Then you won't
do for a school. Can you dress the boys hair? No. Then you won't do
for a school. Have you had the small-pox? No. Then you won't do for
a school. Can you lie three in a bed? No. Then you will never do
for a school. Have you got a good stomach? Yes. Then you will by no
means do for a school. No, Sir, if you are for a genteel easy
profession, bind yourself seven years as an apprentice to turn a
cutler's wheel; but avoid a school by any means. Yet come,
continued he, I see you are a lad of spirit and some learning, what
do you think of commencing author, like me? You have read in books,
no doubt, of men of genius starving at the trade: At present I'll
shew you forty very dull fellows about town that live by it in
opulence. All honest joggtrot men, who go on smoothly and dully,
and write history and politics, and are praised; men, Sir, who, had
they been bred coblers, would all their lives have only mended
shoes, but never made them.

'Finding that there was no great degree of gentility affixed to
the character of an usher, I resolved to accept his proposal; and
having the highest respect for literature, hailed the antiqua mater
of Grub-street with reverence. I thought it my glory to pursue a
track which Dryden and Otway trod before me. I considered the
goddess of this region as the parent of excellence; and however an
intercourse with the world might give us good sense, the poverty
she granted I supposed to be the nurse of genius! Big with these
reflections, I sate down, and finding that the best things remained
to be said on the wrong side, I resolved to write a book that
should be wholly new. I therefore drest up three paradoxes with
some ingenuity. They were false, indeed, but they were new. The
jewels of truth have been so often imported by others, that nothing
was left for me to import but some splendid things that at a
distance looked every bit as well. Witness you powers what fancied
importance sate perched upon my quill while I was writing. The
whole learned world, I made no doubt, would rise to oppose my
systems; but then I was prepared to oppose the whole learned world.
Like the porcupine I sate self collected, with a quill pointed
against every opposer.'

'Well said, my boy,' cried I, 'and what subject did you treat
upon? I hope you did not pass over the importance of Monogamy. But
I interrupt, go on; you published your paradoxes; well, and what
did the learned world say to your paradoxes?'

'Sir,' replied my son, 'the learned world said nothing to my
paradoxes; nothing at all, Sir. Every man of them was employed in
praising his friends and himself, or condemning his enemies; and
unfortunately, as I had neither, I suffered the cruellest
mortification, neglect.

'As I was meditating one day in a coffee-house on the fate of my
paradoxes, a little man happening to enter the room, placed himself
in the box before me, and after some preliminary discourse, finding
me to be a scholar, drew out a bundle of proposals, begging me to
subscribe to a new edition he was going to give the world of
Propertius, with notes. This demand necessarily produced a reply
that I had no money; and that concession led him to enquire into
the nature of my expectations. Finding that my expectations were
just as great as my purse, I see, cried he, you are unacquainted
with the town, I'll teach you a part of it. Look at these
proposals, upon these very proposals I have subsisted very
comfortably for twelve years. The moment a nobleman returns from
his travels, a Creolian arrives from Jamaica, or a dowager from her
country seat, I strike for a subscription. I first besiege their
hearts with flattery, and then pour in my proposals at the breach.
If they subscribe readily the first time, I renew my request to beg
a dedication fee. If they let me have that, I smite them once more
for engraving their coat of arms at the top. Thus, continued he, I
live by vanity, and laugh at it. But between ourselves, I am now
too well known, I should be glad to borrow your face a bit: a
nobleman of distinction has just returned from Italy; my face is
familiar to his porter; but if you bring this copy of verses, my
life for it you succeed, and we divide the spoil.'

'Bless us, George,' cried I, 'and is this the employment of
poets now! Do men of their exalted talents thus stoop to beggary!
Can they so far disgrace their calling, as to make a vile traffic
of praise for bread?'

'O no, Sir,' returned he, 'a true poet can never be so base; for
wherever there is genius there is pride. The creatures I now
describe are only beggars in rhyme. The real poet, as he braves
every hardship for fame, so he is equally a coward to contempt, and
none but those who are unworthy protection condescend to solicit
it.

'Having a mind too proud to stoop to such indignities, and yet a
fortune too humble to hazard a second attempt for fame, I was now,
obliged to take a middle course, and write for bread. But I was
unqualified for a profession where mere industry alone was to
ensure success. I could not suppress my lurking passion for
applause; but usually consumed that time in efforts after
excellence which takes up but little room, when it should have been
more advantageously employed in the diffusive productions of
fruitful mediocrity. My little piece would therefore come forth in
the mist of periodical publication, unnoticed and unknown. The
public were more importantly employed, than to observe the easy
simplicity of my style, of the harmony of my periods. Sheet after
sheet was thrown off to oblivion. My essays were buried among the
essays upon liberty, eastern tales, and cures for the bite of a mad
dog; while Philautos, Philalethes, Philelutheros, and
Philanthropos, all wrote better, because they wrote faster, than
I.

'Now, therefore, I began to associate with none but disappointed
authors, like myself, who praised, deplored, and despised each
other. The satisfaction we found in every celebrated writer's
attempts, was inversely as their merits. I found that no genius in
another could please me. My unfortunate paradoxes had entirely
dried up that source of comfort. I could neither read nor write
with satisfaction; for excellence in another was my aversion, and
writing was my trade.

'In the midst of these gloomy reflections, as I was one day
sitting on a bench in St James's park, a young gentleman of
distinction, who had been my intimate acquaintance at the
university, approached me. We saluted each other with some
hesitation, he almost ashamed of being known to one who made so
shabby an appearance, and I afraid of a repulse. But my suspicions
soon vanished; for Ned Thornhill was at the bottom a very
good-natured fellow.

'What did you say, George?' interrupted I. 'Thornhill, was not
that his name? It can certainly be no other than my
landlord.'—'Bless me,' cried Mrs Arnold, 'is Mr Thornhill so near a
neighbour of yours? He has long been a friend in our family, and we
expect a visit from him shortly.'

'My friend's first care,' continued my son, 'was to alter my
appearance by a very fine suit of his own cloaths, and then I was
admitted to his table upon the footing of half-friend,
half-underling. My business was to attend him at auctions, to put
him in spirits when he sate for his picture, to take the left hand
in his chariot when not filled by another, and to assist at
tattering a kip, as the phrase was, when we had a mind for a
frolic. Beside this, I had twenty other little employments in the
family. I was to do many small things without bidding; to carry the
cork screw; to stand godfather to all the butler's children; to
sing when I was bid; to be never out of humour; always to be
humble, and, if I could, to be very happy.

'In this honourable post, however, I was not without a rival. A
captain of marines, who was formed for the place by nature, opposed
me in my patron's affections. His mother had been laundress to a
man of quality, and thus he early acquired a taste for pimping and
pedigree. As this gentleman made it the study of his life to be
acquainted with lords, though he was dismissed from several for his
stupidity; yet he found many of them who were as dull as himself,
that permitted his assiduities. As flattery was his trade, he
practised it with the easiest address imaginable; but it came
aukward and stiff from me; and as every day my patron's desire of
flattery encreased, so every hour being better acquainted with his
defects, I became more unwilling to give it. Thus I was once more
fairly going to give up the field to the captain, when my friend
found occasion for my assistance. This was nothing less than to
fight a duel for him, with a gentleman whose sister it was
pretended he had used ill. I readily complied with his request, and
tho' I see you are displeased at my conduct, yet as it was a debt
indispensably due to friendship, I could not refuse. I undertook
the affair, disarmed my antagonist, and soon after had the pleasure
of finding that the lady was only a woman of the town, and the
fellow her bully and a sharper. This piece of service was repaid
with the warmest professions of gratitude; but as my friend was to
leave town in a few days, he knew no other method of serving me,
but by recommending me to his uncle Sir William Thornhill, and
another nobleman of great distinction, who enjoyed a post under the
government. When he was gone, my first care was to carry his
recommendatory letter to his uncle, a man whose character for every
virtue was universal, yet just. I was received by his servants with
the most hospitable smiles; for the looks of the domestics ever
transmit their master's benevolence. Being shewn into a grand
apartment, where Sir William soon came to me, I delivered my
message and letter, which he read, and after pausing some minutes,
Pray, Sir, cried he, inform me what you have done for my kinsman,
to deserve this warm recommendation? But I suppose, Sir, I guess
your merits, you have fought for him; and so you would expect a
reward from me, for being the instrument of his vices. I wish,
sincerely wish, that my present refusal may be some punishment for
your guilt; but still more, that it may be some inducement to your
repentance.—The severity of this rebuke I bore patiently, because I
knew it was just. My whole expectations now, therefore, lay in my
letter to the great man. As the doors of the nobility are almost
ever beset with beggars, all ready to thrust in some sly petition,
I found it no easy matter to gain admittance. However, after
bribing the servants with half my worldly fortune, I was at last
shewn into a spacious apartment, my letter being previously sent up
for his lordship's inspection. During this anxious interval I had
full time to look round me. Every thing was grand, and of happy
contrivance: the paintings, the furniture, the gildings, petrified
me with awe, and raised my idea of the owner. Ah, thought I to
myself, how very great must the possessor of all these things be,
who carries in his head the business of the state, and whose house
displays half the wealth of a kingdom: sure his genius must be
unfathomable! During these awful reflections I heard a step come
heavily forward. Ah, this is the great man himself! No, it was only
a chambermaid. Another foot was heard soon after. This must be He!
No, it was only the great man's valet de chambre. At last his
lordship actually made his appearance. Are you, cried he, the
bearer of this here letter? I answered with a bow. I learn by this,
continued he, as how that—But just at that instant a servant
delivered him a card, and without taking farther notice, he went
out of the room, and left me to digest my own happiness at leisure.
I saw no more of him, till told by a footman that his lordship was
going to his coach at the door. Down I immediately followed, and
joined my voice to that of three or four more, who came, like me,
to petition for favours. His lordship, however, went too fast for
us, and was gaining his Chariot door with large strides, when I
hallowed out to know if I was to have any reply. He was by this
time got in, and muttered an answer, half of which only I heard,
the other half was lost in the rattling of his chariot wheels. I
stood for some time with my neck stretched out, in the posture of
one that was listening to catch the glorious sounds, till looking
round me, I found myself alone at his lordship's gate.