The Vicar of Wakefield (4 page)

As we carried on the former dispute with some degree of warmth,
in order to accommodate matters, it was universally agreed, that we
should have a part of the venison for supper, and the girls
undertook the task with alacrity. 'I am sorry,' cried I, 'that we
have no neighbour or stranger to take a part in this good cheer:
feasts of this kind acquire a double relish from
hospitality.'—'Bless me,' cried my wife, 'here comes our good
friend Mr Burchell, that saved our Sophia, and that run you down
fairly in the argument'—'Confute me in argument, child!' cried I.
'You mistake there, my dear. I believe there are but few that can
do that: I never dispute your abilities at making a goose-pye, and
I beg you'll leave argument to me.'—As I spoke, poor Mr Burchell
entered the house, and was welcomed by the family, who shook him
heartily by the hand, while little Dick officiously reached him a
chair.

I was pleased with the poor man's friendship for two reasons;
because I knew that he wanted mine, and I knew him to be friendly
as far as he was able. He was known in our neighbourhood by the
character of the poor Gentleman that would do no good when he was
young, though he was not yet thirty. He would at intervals talk
with great good sense; but in general he was fondest of the company
of children, whom he used to call harmless little men. He was
famous, I found, for singing them ballads, and telling them
stories; and seldom went out without something in his pockets for
them, a piece of gingerbread, or an halfpenny whistle. He generally
came for a few days into our neighbourhood once a year, and lived
upon the neighbours hospitality. He sate down to supper among us,
and my wife was not sparing of her gooseberry wine. The tale went
round; he sung us old songs, and gave the children the story of the
Buck of Beverland, with the history of Patient Grissel, the
adventures of Catskin, and then Fair Rosamond's bower. Our cock,
which always crew at eleven, now told us it was time for repose;
but an unforeseen difficulty started about lodging the stranger:
all our beds were already taken up, and it was too late to send him
to the next alehouse. In this dilemma, little Dick offered him his
part of the bed, if his brother Moses would let him lie with him;
'And I,' cried Bill, 'will give Mr Burchell my part, if my sisters
will take me to theirs.'—'Well done, my good children,' cried I,
'hospitality is one of the first Christian duties. The beast
retires to its shelter, and the bird flies to its nest; but
helpless man can only find refuge from his fellow creature. The
greatest stranger in this world, was he that came to save it. He
never had an house, as if willing to see what hospitality was left
remaining amongst us. Deborah, my dear,' cried I, to my wife, 'give
those boys a lump of sugar each, and let Dick's be the largest,
because he spoke first.'

In the morning early I called out my whole family to help at
saving an after-growth of hay, and, our guest offering his
assistance, he was accepted among the number. Our labours went on
lightly, we turned the swath to the wind, I went foremost, and the
rest followed in due succession. I could not avoid, however,
observing the assiduity of Mr Burchell in assisting my daughter
Sophia in her part of the task. When he had finished his own, he
would join in her's, and enter into a close conversation: but I had
too good an opinion of Sophia's understanding, and was too well
convinced of her ambition, to be under any uneasiness from a man of
broken fortune. When we were finished for the day, Mr Burchell was
invited as on the night before; but he refused, as he was to lie
that night at a neighbour's, to whose child he was carrying a
whistle. When gone, our conversation at supper turned upon our late
unfortunate guest. 'What a strong instance,' said I, 'is that poor
man of the miseries attending a youth of levity and extravagance.
He by no means wants sense, which only serves to aggravate his
former folly. Poor forlorn creature, where are now the revellers,
the flatterers, that he could once inspire and command! Gone,
perhaps, to attend the bagnio pander, grown rich by his
extravagance. They once praised him, and now they applaud the
pander: their former raptures at his wit, are now converted into
sarcasms at his folly: he is poor, and perhaps deserves poverty;
for he has neither the ambition to be independent, nor the skill to
be useful.' Prompted, perhaps, by some secret reasons, I delivered
this observation with too much acrimony, which my Sophia gently
reproved. 'Whatsoever his former conduct may be, pappa, his
circumstances should exempt him from censure now. His present
indigence is a sufficient punishment for former folly; and I have
heard my pappa himself say, that we should never strike our
unnecessary blow at a victim over whom providence holds the scourge
of its resentment.'—'You are right, Sophy,' cried my son Moses,
'and one of the ancients finely represents so malicious a conduct,
by the attempts of a rustic to flay Marsyas, whose skin, the fable
tells us, had been wholly stript off by another.' Besides, I don't
know if this poor man's situation be so bad as my father would
represent it. We are not to judge of the feelings of others by what
we might feel if in their place. However dark the habitation of the
mole to our eyes, yet the animal itself finds the apartment
sufficiently lightsome. And to confess a truth, this man's mind
seems fitted to his station; for I never heard any one more
sprightly than he was to-day, when he conversed with you.'—This was
said without the least design, however it excited a blush, which
she strove to cover by an affected laugh, assuring him, that she
scarce took any notice of what he said to her; but that she
believed he might once have been a very fine gentleman. The
readiness with which she undertook to vindicate herself, and her
blushing, were symptoms I did not internally approve; but I represt
my suspicions.

As we expected our landlord the next day, my wife went to make
the venison pasty; Moses sate reading, while I taught the little
ones: my daughters seemed equally busy with the rest; and I
observed them for a good while cooking something over the fire. I
at first supposed they were assisting their mother; but little Dick
informed me in a whisper, that they were making a wash for the
face. Washes of all kinds I had a natural antipathy to; for I knew
that instead of mending the complexion they spoiled it. I therefore
approached my chair by sly degrees to the fire, and grasping the
poker, as if it wanted mending, seemingly by accident, overturned
the whole composition, and it was too late to begin another.

A town wit described. The dullest fellows may learn to be
comical for a night or two

When the morning arrived on which we were to entertain our young
landlord, it may be easily supposed what provisions were exhausted
to make an appearance. It may also be conjectured that my wife and
daughters expanded their gayest plumage upon this occasion. Mr
Thornhill came with a couple of friends, his chaplain, and feeder.
The servants, who were numerous, he politely ordered to the next
ale-house: but my wife, in the triumph of her heart, insisted on
entertaining them all; for which, by the bye, our family was
pinched for three weeks after. As Mr Burchell had hinted to us the
day before, that he was making some proposals of marriage, to Miss
Wilmot, my son George's former mistress, this a good deal damped
the heartiness of his reception: but accident, in some measure,
relieved our embarrasment; for one of the company happening to
mention her name, Mr Thornhill observed with an oath, that he never
knew any thing more absurd than calling such a fright a beauty:
'For strike me ugly,' continued he, 'if I should not find as much
pleasure in choosing my mistress by the information of a lamp under
the clock at St Dunstan's.' At this he laughed, and so did we:—the
jests of the rich are ever successful. Olivia too could not avoid
whispering, loud enough to be heard, that he had an infinite fund
of humour. After dinner, I began with my usual toast, the Church;
for this I was thanked by the chaplain, as he said the church was
the only mistress of his affections.—'Come tell us honestly,
Frank,' said the 'Squire, with his usual archness, 'suppose the
church, your present mistress, drest in lawnsleeves, on one hand,
and Miss Sophia, with no lawn about her, on the other, which would
you be for?' 'For both, to be sure,' cried the chaplain.—'Right
Frank,' cried the 'Squire; 'for may this glass suffocate me but a
fine girl is worth all the priestcraft in the creation. For what
are tythes and tricks but an imposition, all a confounded
imposture, and I can prove it.'—'I wish you would,' cried my son
Moses, 'and I think,' continued he, 'that I should be able to
answer you.'—'Very well, Sir,' cried the 'Squire, who immediately
smoaked him,' and winking on the rest of the company, to prepare us
for the sport, if you are for a cool argument upon that subject, I
am ready to accept the challenge. And first, whether are you for
managing it analogically, or dialogically?' 'I am for managing it
rationally,' cried Moses, quite happy at being permitted to
dispute. 'Good again,' cried the 'Squire, 'and firstly, of the
first. I hope you'll not deny that whatever is is. If you don't
grant me that, I can go no further.'—'Why,' returned Moses, 'I
think I may grant that, and make the best of it.'—'I hope too,'
returned the other, 'you'll grant that a part is less than the
whole.' 'I grant that too,' cried Moses, 'it is but just and
reasonable.'—'I hope,' cried the 'Squire, 'you will not deny, that
the two angles of a triangle are equal to two right ones.'—'Nothing
can be plainer,' returned t'other, and looked round with his usual
importance.—'Very well,' cried the 'Squire, speaking very quick,
'the premises being thus settled, I proceed to observe, that the
concatenation of self existences, proceeding in a reciprocal
duplicate ratio, naturally produce a problematical dialogism, which
in some measure proves that the essence of spirituality may be
referred to the second predicable'—'Hold, hold,' cried the other,
'I deny that: Do you think I can thus tamely submit to such
heterodox doctrines?'—'What,' replied the 'Squire, as if in a
passion, 'not submit! Answer me one plain question: Do you think
Aristotle right when he says, that relatives are related?'
'Undoubtedly,' replied the other.—'If so then,' cried the 'Squire,
'answer me directly to what I propose: Whether do you judge the
analytical investigation of the first part of my enthymem deficient
secundum quoad, or quoad minus, and give me your reasons: give me
your reasons, I say, directly.'—'I protest,' cried Moses, 'I don't
rightly comprehend the force of your reasoning; but if it be
reduced to one simple proposition, I fancy it may then have an
answer.'—'O sir,' cried the 'Squire, 'I am your most humble
servant, I find you want me to furnish you with argument and
intellects too. No, sir, there I protest you are too hard for me.'
This effectually raised the laugh against poor Moses, who sate the
only dismal figure in a groupe of merry faces: nor, did he offer a
single syllable more during the whole entertainment.

But though all this gave me no pleasure, it had a very different
effect upon Olivia, who mistook it for humour, though but a mere
act of the memory. She thought him therefore a very fine gentleman;
and such as consider what powerful ingredients a good figure, fine
cloaths, and fortune, are in that character, will easily forgive
her. Mr Thornhill, notwithstanding his real ignorance, talked with
ease, and could expatiate upon the common topics of conversation
with fluency. It is not surprising then that such talents should
win the affections of a girl, who by education was taught to value
an appearance in herself, and consequently to set a value upon it
in another.

Upon his departure, we again entered into a debate upon the
merits of our young landlord. As he directed his looks and
conversation to Olivia, it was no longer doubted but that she was
the object that induced him to be our visitor. Nor did she seem to
be much displeased at the innocent raillery of her brother and
sister upon this occasion. Even Deborah herself seemed to share the
glory of the day, and exulted in her daughter's victory as if it
were her own. 'And now, my dear,' cried she to me, 'I'll fairly
own, that it was I that instructed my girls to encourage our
landlord's addresses. I had always some ambition, and you now see
that I was right; for who knows how this may end?' 'Ay, who knows
that indeed,' answered I, with a groan: 'for my part I don't much
like it; and I could have been better pleased with one that was
poor and honest, than this fine gentleman with his fortune and
infidelity; for depend on't, if he be what I suspect him, no
free-thinker shall ever have a child of mine.' 'Sure, father,'
cried Moses, 'you are too severe in this; for heaven will never
arraign him for what he thinks, but for what he does. Every man has
a thousand vicious thoughts, which arise without his power to
suppress. Thinking freely of religion, may be involuntary with this
gentleman: so that allowing his sentiments to be wrong, yet as he
is purely passive in his assent, he is no more to be blamed for his
errors than the governor of a city without walls for the shelter he
is obliged to afford an invading enemy.'

'True, my son,' cried I; 'but if the governor invites the enemy,
there he is justly culpable. And such is always the case with those
who embrace error. The vice does not lie in assenting to the proofs
they see; but in being blind to many of the proofs that offer. So
that, though our erroneous opinions be involuntary when formed, yet
as we have been wilfully corrupt, or very negligent in forming
them, we deserve punishment for our vice, or contempt for our
folly.' My wife now kept up the conversation, though not the
argument: she observed, that several very prudent men of our
acquaintance were free-thinkers, and made very good husbands; and
she knew some sensible girls that had skill enough to make converts
of their spouses: 'And who knows, my dear,' continued she, 'what
Olivia may be able to do. The girl has a great deal to say upon
every subject, and to my knowledge is very well skilled in
controversy.'