The Victorian Villains Megapack (28 page)

“What d’you want to wake me up for with your infernal row?” growled a deep bass, in farcical contrast to the falsetto of its interlocutor.

“
Gij hebt mij bezwendeld! Hets altemaal fopperij!! Ik zal gij voor den vrederegter doen verschijnen!!!”
(“You have swindled me! These are rubbish!! I will have you brought before the justice of the peace!!!”) The words culminated in a scream, and were followed by a noise as if the speaker were executing a kind of double-shuffle round the room in his agitation.

“What are you talking about, you old fool? What is it you want?”

“
De ster diamant!
”

“Talk English, will you? Damn you!”

“De stones!—you haf swintled me! Where are de real ones?”

“Here, get out of the room! You’re drunk!”

“Drunk!
Gij hebt mij bezwendeld!”

“You’re mad then!” roared the bass with a hail of expletives.

“You are a pig-dog!” returned the falsetto, and to judge from an intermittent bouncing on the floor, he resumed his saltatory exercise.

“Let me see the (adjective) thing.” A pause. “Well, what’s all the fuss about?”

“Dey are paste! Give back my money.”

“Paste be damned!”

“My money! I will call de police!”

“Here, take your money! I’ll sell ’em to a man who knows good stuff when he sees it. Why, where the—” Another pause. Then suddenly the bass thundered, “You infernal Jew, you’ve robbed me!”

“You ’ave robbed me! My money or de police!”

“You dirty little swab, you know you’ve got it!”

“I ’ave it
not
!”

“Where are the notes then? Didn’t you make me drunk last night at the Weimar? You thought you’d get the stones for nothing, eh? But I’ve got ’em, and by Jingo I’ll stick to them!”

“Dey are paste.”

“They’re good enough for me. You can keep the notes you stole last night.”

“It is you are a tief!”

“You stinking old hound, I’ll wring your infernal neck!”

“
Politie—Moord! Moord! Poltcie!
” was gasped jerkily as from a body in a state of violent succussion.

Pringle walked calmly down-stairs and settled his bill.

“I rather think two gentlemen are fighting a duel up-stairs,” he remarked in an apprehensive tone.

As he sallied out on his way to the quay, a series of loud shrieks, followed by the crashing of glass and other sounds of destruction, summoned the scandalized proprietor and a posse of waiters to the scene of strife.

Romney Pringle in THE KAILYARD NOVEL

The postman with resounding knock insinuated half-a-dozen packages into the slit in the outer door. He breathed hard, for it was a climb to the second floor, and then with heavy foot clattered down the stone stairs into Furnival’s Inn. As the cataract descended between the two doors Mr. Pringle dropped his newspaper and stretched to his full length with a yawn; then, rolling out of his chair, he opened the inner door and gathered up the harvest of the mail. It was mostly composed of circulars; these he carelessly flung upon the table, and turned to the single letter among them. It was addressed with clerkly precision,
Romney Pringle, Esq., Literary Agent, 33 Furnival’s Inn, London, E. C.

Such a mode of address was quite a novelty in Pringle’s experience. Was his inexistent literary agency about to be vivified? And wondering, he opened the envelope.

Chapel Street, Wurzleford, August 25th.

Dear Sir,

Having recent occasion to visit a solicitor in the same block in connection with the affairs of a deceased friend, I made a note of your address, and shortly propose to avail myself of your kind offices in publishing a novel on the temperance question. I intend to call it
Drouthy Neebors
, as I have adopted the Scotch dialect which appears to be so very popular and, I apprehend, remunerative. Having no practical acquaintance with the same, I think of making a study of it on the spot during my approaching month’s holiday—most likely in the Island of Skye, where I presume the language may be a fair guide to that so much in favour. I shall start as soon as I can find a substitute and, if not unduly troubling you, should be greatly obliged by your inserting the enclosed advertisement for me in the
Undenominational Banner
. Your kindly doing so may lead to an earlier insertion than I could obtain for it through the local agent and so save me a week’s delay. Thanking you in anticipation, believe me to be your very grateful and obliged,

Adolphus Honeyby (Pastor)

Although “Literary Agent” stared conspicuously from his door, Pringle’s title had never hitherto induced an author, of however aspiring a type, to disturb the privacy of his chambers, and it was with an amused sense of the perfection of his disguise that he lighted a cigarette and sat down to think over Mr. Honeyby’s proposal. Wurzleford Wurzleford? There seemed to be a familiar sound about the name. Surely he had read of it somewhere. He turned to the Society journal that he had been reading when the postman knocked.

Since leaving Sandringham the Maharajah of Satpura has been paying a round of farewell visits prior to his return to India in October. His Highness is well known as the owner of the famous Harabadi diamond, which is said to flash red and violet with every movement of its wearer, and his jewels were the sensation of the various state functions which he attended in native costume last season.

I understand that the Maharajah is expected about the end of next week at Eastlingbury, the magnificent Sussex seat of Lord Wurzleford, and, as a man of wide and liberal culture, his Highness will doubtless be much interested in this ancestral home of one of our oldest noble families.

Mr. Honeyby ought to have no difficulty in getting a
locum tenens,
thought Pringle, as he laid down the paper. He wondered how would be to—? It was risky, but worth trying! Why let a good thing go a-begging? He had a good mind to take the berth himself! Wurzleford seemed an attractive little place. Well, its attractiveness would certainly not be lessened for him when the Maharajah arrived! At the very least it might prove an agreeable holiday, and any case would lead to a new and probably amusing experience of human nature. Smiling at the ludicrous audacity of the idea, Pringle strolled up to the mantelpiece and interrogated himself in the Venetian mirror. Minus the delible port-wine mark, a pair of pince-nez, blackened hair, and a small strip of easily applied whisker would be sufficient disguise. He thoughtfully lighted another cigarette.

But the necessity of testimonials occurred to him. Why not say had sent the originals with an application he was making for a permanent appointment, and merely show Honeyby the type-written copies? He seemed an innocent old ass, and Pringle would trust to audacity to carry him through. He could write to Wurzleford from any Bloomsbury address, and follow the letter before Honeyby had time to reply. He had little doubt that he could clench matters when it came to a personal interview; especially as Honeyby seemed very anxious to be off. There remained the knotty point of doctrine. Well, the Farringdon Street barrows, the grave of theological literature, could furnish any number of volumes of sermons, and it would be strange if they could not supply in addition a very efficient battery of controversial shot and shell. In the meantime he could get up the foundation of his ‘Undenominational’ opinions from the Encyclopaedia. And taking a volume of the
Britannica,
he was soon absorbed in its perusal.

Mr. Honeyby’s advertisement duly appeared in the
Banner,
and was answered by a telegram announcing the application of the ‘Rev. Charles Courtley’, who followed close on the heels of his message. Although surprised at the wonderfully rapid effect of the advertisement, the pastor was disinclined to quarrel with his good luck, and was too eager to be released to waste much time over preliminary inquiries. Indeed, he could think of little but the collection of material for his novel, and fretted to commence it. ‘Mr. Courtley’s’ manner and appearance, to say nothing of his very flattering testimonials, were all that could be desired; his acquaintance with controversial doctrine was profound, and the pastor, innocently wondering how such brilliance had failed to attain a more eminent place in the denomination, had eagerly ratified his engagement.

“Well, I must say, Mr. Courtley, you seem to know so well what will be expected of you, that I really don’t think I need wait over tonight,” remarked Mr. Honeyby towards the end of the interview.

“I presume there will be no objection to my riding the bicycle I have brought with me?” asked Pringle, in his new character.

“Not at all—by no means! I’ve often thought of taking to one myself. Some of the church-members live at such a distance, you see. Besides, there is nothing derogatory in it. Lord Wurzleford, for instance, is always riding about, and so are some of the party he has down for the shooting. There is some Indian prince or other with them, I believe.”

“The Maharajah of Satpura?” Pringle suggested.

“Yes, I think that is the name; do you know him?” asked Mr. Honeyby, impressed by the other’s air of refinement.

“No—I only saw it mentioned in the
Park Lane Review
,” said Pringle simply.

So Mr. Honeyby departed for London,
en route
for the north, by an even earlier train than he had hoped for.

About an hour afterwards Pringle was resting by the wayside, rather winded by cycling up one of the early undulations of the Downs which may be seen rising nearly everywhere on the Wurzleford horizon. He had followed the public road, here unfenced for some miles, through Eastlingbury Park, and now lay idle on the springy turf. The harebells stirred with a dry rustle in the imperceptible breeze, and all around him rose the music of the clumsy little iron-bells, clanking rhythmically to every movement of the wethers as they crisply mowed the herbage closer than any power of scythe. As Pringle drank in the beauty of the prospect, a cyclist made his appearance in the act of coasting down the hill beyond. Suddenly he swerved from side to side; his course grew more erratic, the zigzags wider: it was clear that he had lost control of the machine. As he shot with increasing momentum down the slope, a white figure mounted the crest behind, and pursued him with wild-waving arms, and shouts which were faintly carried onward by the wind.

In the valley beyond the two hills flowed the Wurzle, and the road, taking a sharp turn, crossed it by a little bridge with brick parapets; without careful steering, a cyclist with any way on, would surely strike one or other side of the bridge, with the prospect of a ducking, if not of a worse catastrophe. Quickly grasping the situation, Pringle mounted his machine, sprinted down to the bridge and over it, flinging himself off in time to seize the runaway by his handlebar. He was a portly, dark-complexioned gentleman in a Norfolk suit, and he clung desperately to Pringle as together they rolled into a ditch. By this time the white figure, a native servant, had overtaken his master, whom he helped to rise with a profusion of salaams, and then gathered up the shattered fragments of the bicycle.

“I must apologize for dragging you off your machine,” said Pringle, when he too had picked himself up. “But I think you were in for a bad accident.”

“No apology is necessary for saving my life, sir,” protested the stout gentleman in excellent English. “My tire was punctured on the hill, so the brake refused to act. But may I ask your name?”

As Pringle handed him a card inscribed, “Rev. Charles Courtley,” the other continued, “I am the Maharajah of Satpura, and I hope to have the pleasure of thanking you more fully on a less exciting occasion.” He bowed politely, with a smile disclosing a lustrous set of white teeth, and leaning on the servant’s arm, moved towards a group of cyclists who were cautiously descending scene of his disaster.

In the jog-trot routine of the sleepy little place, where one day was very much like another, and in the study of the queer people among whom Pringle found himself a sort of deity, the days rapidly passed. To some of the church-members his bicycle had appeared rather a startling innovation, but his tact had smoothed over all difficulties, while the feminine Undenominationalists would have forgiven much to such an engaging personality, for Pringle well knew how to ingratiate himself with the more influential half of humanity. It was believed that his eloquence had, in itself, been the means of recalling several seceders to the fold, and it was even whispered that on several occasions gold coins graced the collection-plates—an event unprecedented in the history of the connection!

September had been an exceptionally hot month, but one day was particularly oppressive. Sunset had brought the slightest relief, and at Eastlingbury that evening the heat was emphatically tropical. The wide-open windows availed nothing to cool the room. The very candles drooped crescent-wise, and singed their shades. Although the clouds were scudding high aloft, and cast transient shadows upon the lawn, no leaf stirred within the park. The hour was late, and the ladies had long withdrawn, but the men still sat listening. It was a story of the jungle—of a fight between a leopard and a samburdeer, and every one’s pulse had quickened, and every one had wished the story longer.

“You are evidently an intrepid explorer, Mr. Courtley,” commented the Earl, as his guest finished.

“And a keen observer,” added the Maharajah. “I never heard a more realistic description of a fight. I have not had Mr. Courtley’s good fortune to see such a thing in the jungle, although I frequently have wild-beast fights—
satmaris
, we call them—for the amusement of my good people of Satpura.”

The Maharajah had found a little difficulty in inducing Lord Wurzleford to extend his hospitality to ‘Mr. Courtley’. To begin with, the latter was an Undenominationalist, and only a substitute one at that! Then, too, the Maharajah had made his acquaintance in such a very unconventional manner. All the same, to please his Highness—

Pringle had thus a good deal of leeway to make up in the course of the evening, and it says much for his success, that the ladies were unanimous in regretting the necessity for leaving the dinner-table. Indeed, from the very first moment of his arrival, he had steadily advanced in favour. He had not only talked brilliantly himself, but had been the cause of brilliancy in others—or, at least, of what passes for brilliancy in smart circles. His stories appeared to be drawn from an inexhaustible fund. He had literally been everywhere and seen everything. As to the Maharajah, who had of late grown unutterably bored by the smart inanities of the house-party, the poor man hailed him with unutterable relief. Towards the end of dinner, a youth had remarked confidentially to the lady beside him that “that dissentin’ fellow seemed a real good sort.” He voiced the general opinion.

While Pringle, with the aid of a finger-bowl and some dessert-knives, was demonstrating the problem of the Nile
Barrage
to an interested audience, an earnest consultation was proceeding at the head of the table. The Maharajah, Lord Wurzleford, and the butler were in solemn conclave, and presently the first was seen to rise abruptly and retire in unconcealed agitation. So obviously did the host share this emotion, that the conversation flagged and died out; and amid an awkward pause, numerous inquiring glances, which good breeding could not entirely repress, were directed towards the head of the table, where the butler, with a pallid face, still exchanged an occasional word with his master.

With a view to breaking the oppressive silence, Pringle was it to resume his demonstration, when Lord Wurzleford anticipated him.

“Before we leave the table,” said the peer in a constrained voice, “I want to tell you that a most unpleasant thing has happened under this roof. The apartments of the Maharajah of Satpura have been entered, and a quantity of jewelry is missing. I understand that someone was heard moving about the room only half-an-hour ago, and a strange man was met crossing the park towards Bleakdown not long after. I am sending into Eastlingbury for the police, and in the meantime the servants are scouring the park. Pray let the matter be kept secret from the ladies as long as possible.”

Consternation was visible on every face, and amid a loud buzz of comment, the table was promptly deserted.

“Will you excuse me?” said Pringle as he approached Lord Wurzleford, whose self-possession appeared to have temporarily deserted him. “I know the Bleakdown road well, and have cycled over it several times. I rode out here on my machine, and perhaps I might be able to overtake the burglar. Every moment is of importance, and the police may be some time before they arrive.”