The Virgin Mistress (24 page)

“But you can tell me more about you, can't you?” Martha said with a small, understanding smile. “That's why you're so excited. You don't know the details, but you've remembered another piece of the puzzle, haven't you? You remembered more of who you are?”

Just that easily, she described exactly what Louise was feeling. “Yes! I knew you would understand. If I'd known where you were staying in Chicago, I would have called you immediately. It was wonderful and terrifying and so incredibly sad. He's out there somewhere, Martha. I can feel him.”

Her gaze drifted to the window, where the slanted blinds allowed a glimpse of the bright summer morning that seemed so alive with promise. “I don't know how to describe it,” she said softly. “It's like an ache in my heart that won't go away. If I close my eyes, I can almost feel his arms around me, holding me tight against him, as if he'd never let me go.”

Blinking back sudden tears, she turned her gaze back to her friend and therapist and choked, “But he did let me go, and I don't know why. Do you have any idea what that feels like? It's tearing me apart. Did he let me go, or did I just walk away? Why would I do such a thing when all these years later, I still miss him so much? Help me, Martha. Help me find him again. I don't know how we lost each other or why, but I know I have to get him back. I need him. I need what I had before. I can't take this any more.”

Martha couldn't have agreed more. In all their sessions together over the years, as Louise struggled to find herself and her past, one of the things that had been the most difficult to watch was her loneliness. She was a kind, caring woman who shouldn't have been going through life alone. She had to belong to someone, somewhere. The question was, who? The answer was locked away in her own mind, and until she was ready to face her past, it would remain there.

Settling back in her own chair, she studied Louise through calm, steady eyes. “How are the nightmares?”

With a single shrug, Louise said more than she could have with a dozen words. The nightmares that haunted her nights continued to be a problem. “But I still think it's time to try hypnosis again,” Louise said earnestly. “Once I remember everything, the nightmares will go away.”

She was, in all likelihood, right, but it was the migraines, more than the bad dreams, that worried Martha the most. There was no doubt that there was a direct correlation between the increased severity of Louise's headaches and the recent progress she'd made under hypnosis. She was barely able to tolerate the pain now, even with medication. And it was for that very reason that Martha had stopped the hypnosis in the first place. Louise had been through so much, all of it painful. How could she possibly endure more without chancing a complete mental breakdown?

“You know my reservations on this,” she replied quietly. “I can't put you at risk.”

“But I already am at risk,” she argued. “Can't you see that? I'm at risk every time I close my eyes at night and the dreams start. I'm at risk every time I hear a child laugh and I look around for one that looks like me. And what about when I step into my house at night and I'm met by the aching loneliness for a man I can't remember? Do you know what that does to me? How it rips me apart and threatens to destroy my soul? I can't go on this way, Martha. I have to remember…even if it kills me.”

Martha liked to think that as a therapist, she was ruled by her head, not her heart. It was that mental clarity that gave her an edge with her patients and the distance she needed to do her job well. It had never been that easy with Louise, however. Right from the beginning, there'd just been something about her that had touched Martha's heart. As much as she continued to try, she couldn't keep her emotions at bay when she was dealing with a friend.

“I just don't want to put you in jeopardy,” she told her, a worried frown sitting heavily on her forehead. “Not when your memory may return on its own eventually, if we're patient.”

“But it's already been nearly
ten
years! How long am I supposed to be patient, Martha? How much longer am I supposed to live without my family? How much longer are they supposed to live without me? This has to end.”

Put that way, Martha had no choice but to agree. If she'd been in Louise's shoes, she'd never had been able to wait this long, not without going quietly out of her mind. “Close your eyes and relax,” she said quietly. “Breathe easily and think of the fountain in your garden. You can hear the water. So calm. So peaceful. Just the sound of it takes you back to another garden that you love.”

“I can smell the ocean. I forgot how much I loved that.” Her eyes closed and a soft smile curling the corners of her mouth, Louise breathed quietly for a few minutes, then took over the session from there. “He's here, sitting in the sun, watching me tend my flowers. I can feel him smiling.”

Taking notes, Martha stiffened slightly with excitement. In all the sessions that they'd had, Louise had spoken of “him” before, but she'd never come close to describing him. Would today be the day that she finally saw his face? Martha wanted to ask, but she'd learned in the past not to be too eager. The memories would come at Louise's pace, not her own.

“And you're smiling, too,” she said gently. “You're happy to have him there with you.”

“Oh, yes,” she sighed, content. “From the moment we first met, we just clicked. We weren't like other married couples who grew tired of each other over the years. We grew closer. We just had so much in common. There were the children and the foundation and business, of course…”

Suddenly realizing what she was saying, she frowned
and pressed a trembling hand to her temple. “M-my head h-hurts. I must have hit it. I don't remember. Why can't I remember?”

Agitated, her happy memories now gone, she shifted in her seat and Martha could almost see fear overtaking her. Hurriedly, she moved to soothe her and bring her out of the trance. They'd gone as far as they could today. “Listen to the fountain,” she said softly, gently. “You are relaxed and comfortable and in a safe place. Nothing can harm you. Take a deep breath and slowly release it. That's right. You're safe, Louise. When I count to three, you will open your eyes and there will be no fear, no tension, nothing to be afraid of.”

On the count of three, Louise slowly opened her eyes, and for a second, she was as calm and at peace as Martha had hoped. Then memories of the session came flooding back. Horrified, she lifted stricken eyes to Martha. “I have a husband. We have children. And I can't remember any of them. What kind of wife and mother am I?”

That, unfortunately, was a question neither she nor Martha could answer.

 

From the ranch, Austin drove straight to Rebecca's school, telling himself all the while that he was making a mistake. This wasn't the time to talk to her. She was working, and he had to catch a ten-thirty flight to Portland. He had all of thirty minutes to spare before he left for the airport, and a man needed a hell of a lot more time than that to tell a woman he loved her. At least, he did. Especially when the woman was Rebecca. She deserved candlelight and roses and all the romance he could give her, not a quick, “Luv you, honey,” as he was running for a plane.

So what the hell was he doing? he asked himself with
a scowl as he pulled into the school parking lot. What did he hope to accomplish in thirty minutes?

The answer eluded him, but he didn't care. He just knew he couldn't leave town without telling her he loved her—even if he had to say it in front of a whole classroom full of third-graders.

Grinning at the thought, he strode into the school and stopped at the office to check in. If Richard Foster had still been working there, Austin didn't doubt that he'd have refused to let him go anywhere near Rebecca. The older woman who was temporarily in charge while the school district searched for a new principal, however, seemed happy that Rebecca had a visitor.

“She's in the middle of a literature class right now, but I'm sure she can talk to you for a few minutes,” she told him with a smile. “She's in the last room at the end of the hall on the right. You can't miss her.”

His footsteps echoing as he walked down the hall, Austin had to smile at the older woman's words. She didn't know how right she was. From the moment he'd sat down to dinner with her at the ranch his first night back in Prosperino, there'd never been any chance of him missing Rebecca. She'd been in his thoughts every time he turned around. And even when he was grieving for Jenny and what might have been, it was Rebecca he'd turned to. It was Rebecca he dreamed of, Rebecca he laughed with, Rebecca he loved. And if everything worked out the way he hoped, it was Rebecca he would share his future with.

Not too long ago, the very idea of that had scared the hell out of him. Now, he couldn't imagine his life without her. Smiling at how quickly things had changed, he stopped in front of her closed classroom door and knocked softly. The future started today.

 

He was the last person Rebecca expected to find standing at her classroom door. “Austin!” Her heart expanding at the sight of him, she wanted to step into his arms and kiss him, but twenty pairs of very young eyes watched her every move. “What are you doing here?” she asked in a low voice that wouldn't carry to curious ears. “Is something wrong?”

“I need to talk to you about something. Can you take a few minutes?”

Surprised, she nodded. “Give me just a second.” Shutting the door, she turned back to her students and wasn't surprised to see Suzie Harper madly waving her hand. In another life, she surely must have been an investigative reporter. “Yes, Suzie?”

“Is that your boyfriend, Miss Powell? He's cute!”

“He's a friend, Suzie,” she said, not daring to crack a smile. “And we have something very important to discuss. So while we're doing that, I'd like all of you to start reading chapter three in Harry Potter.”

Thankfully, the third Harry Potter book was everyone's favorite, including Suzie's, so they were all willing to be distracted. Rebecca, however, didn't fool herself into thinking that she'd escaped all of Suzie's questions. There would be more later.

In the meantime, however, everyone hurriedly dug out their Harry Potter books, and with a sigh of relief, Rebecca slipped out into the hall and quietly shut the door behind her. “Okay,” she said with a smile, “all clear. So what are you doing here? I was going to call you after work to see if you wanted to come to dinner tonight.”

“I'd love to,” he replied, “but I can't. I'm catching a plane for Portland this morning.”

After everything they'd shared over the weekend, that
was the last thing Rebecca had expected him to say. Stricken, she could do nothing to hide the hurt that flashed in her eyes. “You're leaving?”

“Not because I want to,” he assured her quickly. “But I got a call from a friend in Portland who needs my help, so I have to go back. I couldn't leave, though, without talking to you first.”

Hurt still squeezing her heart, Rebecca sternly ordered herself not to cry. If a friend needed his help, he had to leave, of course. And it wasn't as if there was any kind of commitment between them. They'd made love, but there'd been no mention of the future. Just because he'd changed her life and she'd fallen head over heels in love with him didn't mean he felt the same way about her.

“I appreciate that,” she said huskily. “When do you think you'll be back? You are coming back, aren't you?” she asked with a frown as it suddenly hit her that the reason he might have wanted to talk to her was to tell her goodbye. “Joe—”

“I'm not abandoning him,” he said. “But this has turned out to be a lot more complicated than anyone anticipated. It's not going to be solved anytime soon. So, yes, I'll be back, but not just for the case.”

Her eyes searching his, she wanted to believe that he meant he was coming back for her, but she was afraid to hope, afraid to have that hope shot down. After all these years, she'd finally found a man she could trust enough to love. If he didn't love her the same way she loved him, she didn't think she could stand to know. Not yet. Not without falling apart in front of him, and that was something she was determined not to do.

“I see,” she said quietly, but didn't see anything at all. Still, she couldn't take a chance and ask him what he meant. Instead, she twined her hands together and forced
a smile. “I'm sure Joe was happy to hear you'll be back. He has a lot of faith in you. So does the rest of the family. Knowing there's someone in the family working on the case, helps.”

“And what about you?” he asked, studying her with shrewd eyes. “Are you happy I'm coming back?”

Sure he must have guessed how she felt about him, she cursed the hot color that spilled into her cheeks. “Of course,” she said with a shrug. “Joe needs you.”

“And what about you?” he asked again.

She didn't pretend to misunderstand him. He wasn't really asking if she needed him, but rather, if she loved him. And if she'd been smart, she would have turned the question around on him and insisted that he tell her how he felt about her before she said a word. But suddenly the words she thought she couldn't say were right there on her tongue, and it didn't matter that she was the one who said them first. What mattered was that she loved him, and it was time he knew that.

Her heart in her eyes, she smiled tremulously and took the biggest chance of her life. “I need you, too,” she said softly. “More than you can possibly know. I love you.”

With nothing more than those three little words, she brought Austin to his knees. Her love wrapped around his heart like sunshine on a rainy day, and he wondered how he'd ever thought just knowing that she loved him would be enough for him. “I love you, too,” he said huskily, reaching for her. “So much it scares me. I don't want to lose you.”