The Wedding Diaries (22 page)

I did feel terrible that she was having this rotten time – I wouldn’t wish that kind of allergic reaction on my worst enemy – but I also couldn’t help being overjoyed that she was off. It made it so much easier to be sympathetic and helpful to her and about her. I ran off to reception to get some paper and a pen, and we wrote a very sweet note to her, hoping she got better soon and thanking her for a great weekend. I did not write: And a special thank you for stepping away from my weekend entirely, you loopy bridesmaid demon. But I might have liked to. We slid it into her locker, then dressed and were back in Bunny’s car before you could say, ‘Let the fun commence.’

Back at the cottage, we opened some wine and cleaned ourselves up before the chef arrived. We were pretty merry when he got there, and our card game (Beggar My Neighbour – best game ever) was so involving that not one of us offered to help him in with his baskets of fruit and veg, cold boxes of meat and bags of dairy goods. After checking if any of us had any allergies (Rose let out a tiny giggle, then looked really shocked at herself), he whipped up a scrummy feast: five super-light mackerel soufflés; five tiny lime sorbets; five little poussins from which we ended up sucking meat off their tiny bones, served with an orange and beetroot salad and roast butternut squash; five dark, dark chocolate mousses with squashy, tart raspberries buried at the bottom; then he presented us with a huge cheeseboard, crackers and grapes, and left us to it while he cleaned the kitchen.

Me: This guy is
good
.

Greta: [whispering] Fleur, you should find out if he’s single.

Chef: [from kitchen] I’m not single.

Fleur: [sad] He’s not single.

We played various childhood card games for most of the rest of the night, although it turns out that Rose is a bit of a lightweight and there are things about Nick that I can now never un-learn.

I’ve really enjoyed this weekend. Yes, Helen will almost certainly try to poison my food at the wedding, and yes, I’ve now registered I’ll be having my own hen party and yes, that thought now fills me with a strong sense of nausea, but I’ve grown pretty fond of this bridal gang. Which, considering most people don’t live anywhere near their friends and family anymore, must be the point of these horrifying occasions. And I have met Greta, who is
definitely
a keeper. If I can just make it through tomorrow without hospitalising any of the others, maybe I can be convinced that hen parties aren’t the Pit of All Evil, after all. And thanks for this nice bed, Helen.

May’s Classic Wedding!

She did not want to go to the wedding, but the other girls came and took her with them. Whenever her turn came to sing, she would step back, but finally she was the only one left and was obliged to sing a song. As she began to sing and her voice reached Roland’s ears, he jumped up and exclaimed, ‘I know that voice! That’s my true bride. I don’t want anyone else.’

Everything that he had forgotten and everything that had vanished from his mind suddenly filled his heart again. So the faithful maiden married her sweetheart Roland. Her sorrows came to an end and her joy began to flourish.

‘Sweetheart Roland’

The Brothers Grimm

May 1st

No one else in hospital! Victory. Just a very nice morning having a long breakfast at the local pub, before we all headed home. Bunny gave me and Greta a lift, as we live reasonably close to one another, and we managed to not discuss Helen’s lunacy the whole drive back, which
I
think deserves some kind of medal.

Thom was pleased to see me when I returned. He was in the shower, but swept the curtain back when I came into the bathroom and reached out to pull me in with him.

Me: I hope that’s some kind of joke.

Thom: Naturally. For your information, I’m really enjoying having this shower all to myself. [soaps self lasciviously] How was your weekend?

Me: I arrived seven hours late on Friday with luggage soaked in red wine, I didn’t have a bed and had to sleep on a sofa, I made them cancel an art class so I could take them to an antiques market that was closed, and the maid of honour got such a bad allergic reaction from a spa treatment that she had to go home. Oh, and she blames me for everything.

Thom: I look forward to the wedding.

Me: Strangely, so do I. How was your weekend?

Thom: I worked on Saturday and went for a run this morning.

Me: Whoah whoah, too many details! Hold
something
back for the Christmas newsletter.

Then Thom insisted I removed my clothes and see quite how good that shower really was, and exactly how much he’d missed me. I should go away and ruin people’s hen weekends more often.

But by 3.30, I couldn’t take it anymore. I told Thom I had an urgent errand and had to borrow the car; I drove to Whetstone’s fanciest deli, picked up a gorgeous bottle of hand-pressed apple juice and a big bag of pine nuts (the only craving she had with the Twins), and headed round to Susie’s. She opened the door and smiled at me.

Me: A May Day mayday?

Susie: That better be whisky in there.

Me: Good to see you too.

She let me in; we talked non-stop for three hours about my hen disaster, her ankles, her back, my dress, her sleep, my work, until Pete came back with the children from Victoria Park. And all is well in the world.

Thom saw my face when I got home. ‘You and Susie friends again, then?’ I just shrugged, and beamed. Too giddy to write more.

May 2nd

Nick and Rose over to dinner tonight. An absolute feast, of which Rose ate almost nothing (‘Have to make sure we’ll fit in the dress!’ It took all my self-control not to say, ‘All four of us? Ho ho ho,’ since it was such an unforgivable Dad joke) and even Nick just poked the food around on his plate a bit. Thom said, ‘Lost your appetite, Nick?’ and Nick darted a terrified glance at Rose, who said with forced jollity, ‘I hope not, or your suit will be too
big
!’ Suddenly we were entertaining some boxing pros, living at the edge of a fighting class and petrified of tipping the scales at a new weight. ‘You must be the same, right, Kiki? As my bridesmaid? You’ll want to look your best!’ There was a slight edge of threat in Rose’s voice all of a sudden. Thom and I looked at one another, faint terror in both our faces. He gently kicked my ankle under the table.

After the initial chat about work and our families, Rose said that I must surely – like her – only be able to think about weddings at the moment. She kindly took the decision from my hands and talked of nothing else from the moment we sat down at the table until I got up to take our plates away. Nick immediately stood up too, knocking his chair over, and picked up a single plate and carried it to the kitchen ahead of me.

At the sink, Nick looked at me. ‘It’s just really important to Rose. All this wedding stuff. She just wants it to be perfect for everybody.’ I patted his hand. ‘I really love her, Kiki,’ he repeated. ‘She just wants it to be perfect. For everybody.’ I sighed with him: ‘Yeah, Nick, weddings are pretty crazy.’ I looked at the chocolate torte I’d made for dessert, and he gave a tiny head shake. I put it back in the fridge and started slicing up some fresh pears and cherries for a fruit salad. Nick looked relieved.

After they’d gone home, Thom and I sat on the sofa together, not speaking for a few minutes.

Thom: Well.

Me: That was …

Thom: Wasn’t it.

Me: Maybe they …

Thom: Here’s hoping.

Me: But she …

Thom: I know.

Me: OH MY GOD.

Thom: What?

Me: [savouring the moment] We’ve got a
whole chocolate torte
in the fridge.

Thom: I’ll get the forks.

This is not a fun time for Nick, I think.

TO DO:

Table plans and place cards – advice from Redhood Farm if Dan’s designing?

Start drawing up rough lists for table plans

Check with Redhood Farm their minimum/maximum for seats at their tables

Find out whether Nick and Rose would actually prefer to sit apart at our wedding

May 4th

I didn’t mention to Rose last night that I was seeing Greta today. Greta and I have been in touch since Rose’s Hell Hen (which really wasn’t that bad at all), but I’m not sure if she’d be delighted to have turned two strangers into friends, or if she’d see straight through us as the mean girls clubbing together in the face of her (extreme, alienating) efforts. But it was really good to see Greta – she was as hilarious as I’d remembered, as we sat over cold beers in a pub garden, telling each other more about ourselves and making plans for the future. It was one of the best dates I’d ever been on.

May 5th

I had a long conversation this afternoon with the caterers Redhood Farm recommended to us. I really wanted something quite low-key and casual, going with this beautiful summer vibe of Redhood Farm; the woman I spoke to was able to advise me on the dishes that work best for different occasions. In the end we settled on a light pork rillette, poulet rôti and our wedding dessert. So … pâté, chicken and cake.

Shit.

May 6th

When I got in to work today, I found this email from Rose. Is this her revenge? One can’t help but feel Helen must have been doing some work on her – I
think
she used to be quite sane. But let’s thank goodness again that I’ve agreed to be her bridesmaid.

Hurray!

From: Rose Gold

To: Kiki Carlow, Nick Lord, Bunny Gladwell, Fleur Riley, Mummy Gold, Helen Hudson, Greta Moore

Subject: Action plan!

Hi girlies (and Nick, my almost-hubbie)!

I know this might look a little scary, but it’s the best way to get this all done effectively and efficiently.

Here comes the Big Day!

R x

Order of the Day

0730 Photographer arrives for candid shots, flowers for wedding party arrive

0800 Rose breakfast – egg white omelette, fresh orange juice, wholemeal toast (plain), mint tea

0845 Hairdresser arrives – Mummy first

0945 Rose to shower

1000 Hairdresser – Bunny

1020 Hairdresser – Fleur

1040 Hairdresser – Greta

1100 Hairdresser – Kiki

1120 Hairdresser – Helen

1140 Hairdresser – Rose

1200 Caterers arrive at venue – Nick to direct

1230 Rose makeup

AND bridesmaids into dresses

1315 Rose into dress

1345 Rose, bridesmaids, Mum shots

1400 Photographer leaves for church

1415 Nick, Tim and ushers, church shots

1430 Nick and vicar go through service and paperwork

1430 Car arrives at house

Toast with bridal party

1445 Rose and Daddy leave in car

1448 Ushers bring everyone into the church

1450 Church shot

1452 Bride arrives

1457 Daddy and Rose shots

1500 Rose and Daddy enter church

1600 Service ends, everyone leaves church

1615 Ushers bring everyone to confetti shower

1630 Family formal shot

1645 Wedding party shots

1700 Everyone shot

1715 Cars arrive for wedding party

1720 Comfort break for Rose

1745 Drinks served at the reception

1750 Bride and groom shots

1830 Tim announces dinner

1930 Tim announces father of the bride speech

2000 Tim announces groom’s speech

2020 Tim’s best man speech

2030 Tim announces bride and groom

2035 Cutting of the cake

2040 First dance

2100 Socialising!

0100 Taxi for bride and groom

Of course Big Day was capitalised. Of course. Because it’s not only her big day, is it. It’s a Big Day for the world. Naturally.