The Weight of Shadows (25 page)
By unspoken agreement they both ran to the building, where Joshua swiped his key card and pulled the door shut behind them. They stood in the vestibule, panting from nerves. Then he smiled. “Welcome to Safe in His Arms.”
Kim’s eyes shone. “Thank you.” Then she began to cry.
S
HAWNEE POKED HER HEAD INTO
the room where the staff meeting was under way. “Debbie? Joshua just got here, and he brought a woman with him who wants to stay here. She has a baby too.”
Debbie knew immediately who she was. “Get her comfortable and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
She ran through the meeting’s agenda with as much speed as she could, then went out to the green room where Kim sat with her baby. Debbie reached out a hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” she said to Kim. “Joshua’s been talking about you since I met him. Is there anything I can get you—more water, something else to eat?”
“No, I’m fine, thank you.”
Debbie noted the bruises on Kim’s throat and thanked God for good timing. She couldn’t wait to hear Joshua’s side of the story.
She sat down and slid the intake forms across the table to Kim, then offered to hold Anne.
Kim smiled and lifted the squirming baby over the table. “Thank you. I can’t believe I’m here. I was so scared. I still am. I know what he’s going to do when he finds out I’m gone.”
“It can take awhile to stop looking over your shoulder.” Debbie saw the look of panic that crossed Kim’s face. She’d seen it before, many times. “He can’t hurt you here.”
“He doesn’t have to be here to do it.”
Debbie looked on as Kim continued the paperwork. She wouldn’t press Kim now to go into her story. She needed to give her time to get settled in, give her a chance to get to know the other women and the staff so she felt safe discussing her situation. When Kim handed her the completed papers, Debbie returned Anne to her mother’s lap and opened the welcome folder, explaining the house rules and how things worked. “We don’t get a lot of moms with little ones here, but when we do everyone is very eager to help with the baby, so don’t hesitate to ask if you want someone to take her for a bit.”
Kim clutched Anne against her. “But I can keep her with me, right?”
“Yes, of course.”
Kim sighed. “Okay, good.”
Debbie showed Kim around the shelter. “Since you have a baby with you, you get one of the single rooms. I’ll get some diapers and wipes for you too. Is there someone who can go back to your house and get you and the baby some clothes?”
Kim frowned. “Not really. Unless Joshua wants to.”
“I’ll ask him when I see him next. Is there anything else you can think of that you’ll need?”
Kim shook her head, lips pressed together as tears began to well in her eyes. “Forgive me,” she said as she wiped them away.
Debbie smiled and squeezed her arm. “Don’t apologize. It’s a completely normal reaction. You’ve been under a lot of stress, and even though it’s safe here, it’s still stressful, just in a different way. I understand—everyone here does. Take whatever time you need and then you can come out to the community room when you’re ready to mingle. Joshua’s office is on the second floor, and if you want to go talk to him you’re more than welcome to. My office is at the opposite end of the building, past the counseling rooms, and you’re welcome to come see me anytime as well. Your counselor will be Tammy, though she’s out this week, so I’ll meet with you until she’s back.”
She left Kim in the room and went back to her office, a stubborn smile tugging at her lips. It wasn’t until she was safe in the privacy of her office that she let herself do a little victory dance. Not because Kim was finally at the shelter—though that did make her happy, but because Joshua had taken the chance, had put himself out there for Kim, and as far as Debbie was concerned, had proven himself to be
not
just another wuss of a guy.
They hadn’t gone out again since their dinner last month, but it had taken all the self-control she could muster not to extend her own invitation to him. She hadn’t let on about how much she enjoyed herself—far more than she had on any date she’d been on in a long time. She hadn’t told him how long she kept the tulips, and that she had actually saved a few of the silky petals after they’d fallen off and pressed them between the pages of her Bible. She’d been waiting for confirmation that he was going to be the man he said he was.
And here it was.
She jogged up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and found Joshua in his office. “How is she doing?” he asked before she could say a word.
“She’s good. Shell-shocked, I think, but good. I’ll check up on her in an hour or so, see how she’s settling in. I told her your office was up here in case she wanted to talk to you.”
“Great, thanks. Now we just need to pray Rick slinks back to his hole somewhere and disappears.”
“Amen. Hey, what’s on your calendar Friday?”
He flipped open his date book and scanned the page. “Phone call with the tax guy I was telling you about, at two-thirty. That’s it, though.”
“Great, put me down for seven-thirty.”
He frowned. “Um, I don’t think I can get here that early. I can’t drop Maddie off until—”
“P.M.”
“Oh. Um—” he raised his eyebrows with a small, confused smile. “Are you asking me out?”
“Yup.” She grinned, then went back to her office to try to be productive and not think about Friday night.
Kim sank onto the twin-size bed and laid Anne beside her, then allowed herself to attempt relaxation. Despite its sparse décor, the cozy room gave her a small measure of comfort. She felt cocooned and protected by its cool blue walls, and it provided the privacy she craved. It reminded her of her hospital stay during preterm labor—knowing that Rick was at home and she was protected and alone. It gave her the space she needed to finally think.
She was so conflicted. On the one hand, she felt tremendous relief that Anne was in a safe place. Since Rick had attacked her, Kim hadn’t left her alone with him for even a minute. Not that she was out of the woods yet. Once Rick went to the police and she was arrested, Anne’s safety might again be in jeopardy. But now that there were others involved in her life, maybe they would be able to protect her baby from Rick. When she felt more stable, she would talk to Debbie about her fears for Anne in the foster system.
But talking with Debbie—with anyone at the shelter, really—was one of the sources of her angst. How would she be able to stay here, to participate in the group sessions and individual counseling, without going into her explanation of why she had to let Rick hit her? No one here would understand that. They all thought the women were innocent and didn’t deserve to be treated that way. And the other women staying here probably didn’t deserve it. But she did.
Kim dried her eyes on the ends of her T-shirt. It probably didn’t matter; she wouldn’t be here long anyway. When Rick came home and found her gone he’d go to the police. She didn’t know what would happen then—would they put a warrant out for her arrest? If they did, and it was in the papers or on the news, then at least one of the shelter workers was likely to see it and would probably report her. Chances were she’d be in jail by the weekend.
She curled herself beside Anne, who was tugging her feet to her mouth and gnawing on her toes. Just a few days, then, of freedom. And then she’d face her fate again, this time in prison.
A knock on the door woke Kim with a start. She yanked Anne to her so hard the baby began to cry. She took a deep breath to calm her racing heart. “Come in.”
Debbie poked her head in. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t know you were sleeping.”
“That’s alright.” Kim heaved another calming breath and stood, swaying the baby in her arms to soothe her. “I didn’t mean to. Good thing she doesn’t roll yet. She could have gone right off the edge.”
“I just wanted to see how you were doing, see if I could get you anything.”
Kim gave Debbie a sheepish face. “I am a bit hungry.”
“We can go to the kitchen if you’d like. I can hold Anne while you make something for yourself.”
Kim followed Debbie down to the kitchen where two other women were fixing sandwiches. They immediately began to coo over the baby, and one tapped a finger to Anne’s bare foot. “I’m Ella. Who be this sweet thing?”
“This is Anne. And I’m Kim.”
“Kim, is a pleasure to meet you and sweet baby Anne. It does a heart good to see a baby so happy, don’t it?”
The other woman came to them, wiping her hands on a towel. “I’m Doreen. Nice to meet you, Kim. And Anne.” She smiled at the baby. “I was just making a turkey sandwich; can I make you one?”
“Oh, I can get it,” Kim said.
“It’s no trouble, really. Sit with the baby and relax. You’re new today, right?” Kim nodded as she sat in the seat Debbie pulled out for her at the table. “Then you definitely need to just sit and relax. I know what a rough transition it can be, even when you’re relieved to be here.”
“So true, so true,” said Ella. “I been here a week and I still looking over my shoulder. It takes time to come down from being always so tense.” She shrugged her shoulders up and down as though trying to rid the tension that still resided there, and brought her sandwich to the table. “But we all here understand because we all be living the same nightmare, ya? So no one gonna fault you, you wanna just kick back a bit and take it all in.”
Doreen brought both her sandwich and Kim’s to the table. “Debbie, can I get you one too?”
Debbie smiled. “You’re sweet, Doreen, thanks for the offer. But I’m good.”
Ella took a bite of her sandwich and hummed sounds of pleasure. “Mm-mm, thank you Jesus.” She shook her head. “My man set my meals for me and gave me nothing but bread and water the whole last week I be with him. Now every meal I eat is like it be from Eden itself.”
Kim stared at Ella, horrified by the revelation, but Debbie merely nodded and Doreen added, “Just being allowed in the kitchen again makes me happy. My husband put a door on ours last year and kept it locked.” She smirked at Kim and added, “Though I
had
tried to poison his food once. I guess I can’t blame him.”
Ella chuckled. “Or you!” They laughed.
“Doreen, you know he really wasn’t justified in doing that, right? That’s totally unacceptable, controlling behavior.”
“But what if you deserve it?” The women looked at Kim and she could feel her cheeks reddening. “I’m not saying you did, Doreen, I’m just asking the question in general. Is it unacceptable behavior if you really do deserve it?”
“No one deserves to have their basic needs withheld,” Debbie said. “Even killers on death row get three square meals a day and a bed to sleep in at night.”
“Even they got it better than I did,” said Ella. “My bed be the floor most nights.” She looked to the ceiling. “Thank you Jesus for getting me out.”
“Amen to that,” Doreen said. “I’ve been here for almost a month and I still don’t believe my luck. I’d have been dead by now if I’d stayed.”
Ella nodded to Kim. “It look like you got out just in time too, ya? Aw no, don’t be embarrassed,” she said when Kim’s hand flew to the bruises on her throat. “We all here have bruises and scars, even if they not be on the outside for everyone to see. You just let them remind you that you making the right choice, coming here. You and sweet baby deserve better.”
Kim gave Ella a small smile, but inside she was aching.
Maybe sweet baby does. But I was right: these women will never understand.
J
OSHUA’S STOMACH FLUTTERED
as he pulled into the parking lot. When he saw Rick’s car wasn’t there, he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. “Come on, kiddo,” he said to Maddie as he helped her jump to the ground. “What should we have for dinner tonight?”
“Pancakes!”
He laughed as he led her to the security door. “Pancakes for dinner? Well, why not.” He opened the door and let her in, then glanced over his shoulder before passing through himself—and saw Rick’s car pull in.
An arrow of adrenaline shot through him. He grabbed Maddie’s hand and hustled her down the hall as he fumbled through his keys. He had the door closed behind them before the telltale squeak of the security door could be heard. He turned the deadbolt and pulled the chain, then let out another deep breath. Maddie, oblivious, dropped her backpack onto the floor and ran to her room. “I’m going to play until dinner,” she said over her shoulder.
Joshua was just about to respond when he heard the security door slam. Two seconds later his door was rattled by pounding that echoed throughout the apartment and sent another shot of adrenaline through his already-jittery system. “Where is she?” Rick’s holler sent a shiver up Joshua’s spine. “If she’s in there I’m gonna know! Where is she?”
Joshua threw his weight against the door, fearing it might be as thin as the walls. “She’s not here, Rick. Go home.” There was a lot more he wanted to say, but he knew the less he said the better. He didn’t trust himself to keep the conversation polite.
Rick yelled a string of obscenities as he retreated to his own apartment. A few seconds later Joshua heard another door slam. In the silence that followed he dropped his head against the door and gulped deep breaths to calm his careening heart.
“Daddy?” Maddie’s voice held the notes of tears kept just barely at bay.
“Coming, sweetheart.”
He found her under her bed, tears on her cheeks. “That scared me,” she said, then began to cry. He pulled her out and sat her on his lap, wrapping his arms around her. “It scared me too, kiddo. But he’s gone.”
“What if he comes back?”
“I don’t think he will, honey. But if he does you don’t have to worry. I’ll protect you. I promise.”
She sniffed and gave him a hug, then Joshua dried her tears on his shirt and planted a kiss on her forehead. “I think we deserve a treat. Why don’t I put some sprinkles on those pancakes?”
She sniffed and nodded. “Okay. And maybe some peanut butter too.”
He chuckled. “You’ve got it, kiddo.” He returned to the kitchen and busied himself with cooking and fervent prayer, begging God to help him keep his promise.
A
NNE WOULD NOT CALM DOWN.
Kim swaddled, jiggled, and dosed her with teething remedies, but still she wailed. Kim felt awful that Anne’s crying was disrupting the quiet evening for a dozen other people. A knock on her door sent a new wave of tension over her. “Come in,” she said, trying to keep the exasperation out of her voice. Doreen opened the door and leaned in. “I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do. I know how awful it is to have a baby that just won’t stop crying.”
Kim shifted Anne in her arms. “Thanks. Come on in, but I don’t know what else can be done. I think it’s her teeth again, but nothing is helping, not even medicine.”
“May I?” Doreen reached out to Kim, and though she hated to give her up, her arms were aching and she just wanted the crying to stop. She eased Anne into Doreen’s arms and sank onto the bed with a sniff. Doreen situated the baby in her arms and began to twist back and forth, swinging Anne in a wide arc. “My little boy was just a mess when he was teething. In the end it was washcloths frozen with chamomile tea that helped the most.”
Anne’s crying had downgraded to a whine, and Kim felt some of the tension leave her. “That’s a good trick,” she said.
“Yeah, Riley—that’s my son—Riley loved to swing like this. Obviously it doesn’t do anything for the pain, but for some reason it soothes them.”
“I’ll have to make up some frozen washcloths.”
“I think there’s even chamomile tea in the kitchen. If not, ask Debbie—I bet she’ll find some for you.” She smiled at Kim. “You look like you could use a good night’s sleep. Will Anne let you go long at night without nursing?”
“Not when her teeth are bothering her, no. She’ll eat every couple hours, sometimes more.”
“Good for you for nursing. I know a lot of women whose abusers make them formula feed.”
“Rick never seemed to care, so long as I could get her to stop crying. Nursing usually does it. Some nights I’d sleep in the nursery with her in my arms because I was so afraid she’d wake him up otherwise.” Kim smiled. “I’m actually looking forward to tonight, snuggling with her in bed. Do you think they’d mind if I pulled the mattress onto the floor? She doesn’t roll yet, but I’d hate for her to learn how in the middle of the night and fall off.”
“I don’t think they’d mind. That’s a great idea. And speaking of sleeping…”
Kim’s eyes grew wide. “Is she out?”
“Like a light.”
Kim laid back on the bed with a sigh. “Thank you so much, Doreen. Although I feel bad that I couldn’t get her to calm down myself.”
“Don’t feel bad. Motherhood is one giant learning curve, and this is how you learn—experimenting and talking to other moms.”
Kim sat up and smiled. “It’s been a long time since I hung out with other women—and the last time I did no one knew what was going on at home, so I didn’t feel like I could even let my guard down, you know?”
Doreen chuckled as she slowed her swinging. “Oh yeah, I know.”
Kim pulled the mattress off the box spring and pushed it against the wall. Doreen knelt and placed the baby in the center, then stood and moved to the door. “I know it’s only seven o’clock, but I’m sure you’re wiped out, so I’ll let you get to bed. I’m in room 4 if you ever want to come talk or anything. Oh—and I’ll go make up some frozen washcloths for you, if I can get my hands on a couple.”
“Wow—thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome. I hope you have a good night. Don’t be surprised if you can’t sleep—I think it took about a week before I was able to let go of the fear that my husband would find me, and I finally got a good night’s rest. But I didn’t have a baby to cuddle with—that might have helped.” She smiled and gave Kim a little wave before closing the door behind her.
Kim changed into the pajamas Debbie had found for her and brushed her teeth with the toothbrush from the toiletries kit she’d been given when she first arrived. She turned out the light and eased herself onto the bed, trying not to wake the baby. She lay there, wide awake, staring at Anne’s perfect face as her thoughts blew back and forth like leaves in the wind.
The conflicting emotions in her heart had only grown more intense over the hours she’d been here. She was grateful for the women who had reached out to her, who had gushed over Anne and offered their assistance in whatever capacity Kim needed. She was relieved that Anne was safe and surrounded by so many people who were sympathetic to—rather than angry at—her crying. She was anxious at the thought of what Rick would do, and tense with anticipation of the time when her story would come out and she would be arrested.
And the guilt—her old, familiar companion—was back to eat away at her. But for the first time, she felt herself fighting against it. She knew that what she had suffered was nothing like what the family of her victim had suffered—possibly suffered still. But hadn’t her bruises and battering made up for at least some of theirs?
Some of it, maybe
—
but your punishment has stopped while their loss never ends. γour penance can’t begin to make up for what you did.
She closed her eyes against the tears. She couldn’t win.
Another voice spoke in her heart, echoing the words she had heard sung in Joshua’s baritone.
Little ones to him belong, they are weak but he is strong.
She sniffed back tears and stroked Anne’s head as she reached out again to the Jesus Joshua had sung about.