The White-Luck Warrior (26 page)

His subsequent madness, she said, was inevitable. He was perpetually at a loss, perpetually overwhelmed by the presence of others. Unlike his father, he could only see the brute truths, the facts and lies that compelled the course of lives, but these were quite enough.

"He would look into my eyes and say impossible things... hateful things..."

"How do you mean?"

"He told me once that I punished mother not to avenge my slavery, but because... because..."

"Because what?"

"Because I was broken inside," she said, her lips set in a grim and brittle line. "Because I had suffered so much so long that
kindness
had become the only cruelty I could
not
endure—kindness!—and so suffering would be all I... all I would ever know..."

She trailed, turned her face away to swat at the tears clotting her eyes.

"So I
told
him," she continued, avoiding Achamian's gaze. "I told him that I had
never known
kindness because everything—everything!—I had been given had been just another way to take—to steal! 'You cannot stroke a beaten dog,' he replied, 'because it sees only the raised hand...' A beaten
dog
! Can you believe it? What kind of little boy calls his grown sister a
beaten dog
?"

A Dûnyain,
the old Wizard thought in unspoken reply.

She must have glimpsed something of his sorrow in his eyes: the outrage in her expression, which had been helpless in the face of memory, turned in sudden fury upon him.

"You pity me?" she cried, as if her pain were something with its own outrage and volition. "Pity?"

"Don't, Mimara. Don't do this..."

"Do what?
What?
"

"Make Inrilatas true."

This smacked the fury from her expression. She stared at him speechless, her body jerking as her legs carried her thoughtlessly forward, her eyes wide with a kind of desolate horror.

"What about the others?" the old Wizard asked, snipping all memory of her outburst from his tone. The best way to retrieve a conversation from disaster, he often found, was to speak as if the disaster had never happened. "I know there's more—the twins. Tell me about them."

She marched in silence for a time, collecting herself, Achamian supposed. The footing had become even more treacherous: a stream had gullied the forest floor, cutting away the loam beneath the feet of several massive elms so that roots hung in tentacled sheets to their right. Achamian could see the rest of the party below, picking their way under a toppled giant with the same haste that was taking such a toll on the Hags. He glimpsed Cleric behind the Captain, white and bald and obviously not human. Even from a distance, his Mark blotted out his inhuman physical beauty, stained him with gut-wrenching ugliness.

The stream glittered, a ribbon of liquid obsidian in the gloom. The air smelled of clay and cold rot.

"They were the only ones, really..." she finally said. "The twins. I was
there
, you know... there from the beginning with them. I saw them drawn squalling from Mother's womb..." She paused to watch her booted feet pick steps across the ground. "I think that was the only moment I truly... truly
loved
her."

"You've never stopped loving her," Achamian said. "You wouldn't care to hate her otherwise."

Anger shrouded her eyes once again, but to her credit she managed to purge it from her voice. She was
trying
, the old Wizard realized. She wanted to trust him. Even more, she wanted to understand what
he
saw when he looked upon her—perhaps too desperately. "What do you mean?"

"No love is simple, Mimara." Something hooked his voice while saying this, something like weak eyes and a burning throat. "At least no love worth the name."

"But..."

"But nothing," he said. "Far too many of us confuse complexity for impurity—or even pollution. Far too many of us mourn what we should celebrate as a result. Life is unruly, Mimara. Only tyrants and fools think otherwise."

She frowned in a mock here-we-go-again manner. "Ajencis?" she asked, her eyes bright and teasing.

"No... Just wisdom. Not everything I say is borrowed, you know!"

She walked in silence for a time, her smile fading into a look of puzzled concentration. Achamian paced her in silence.

She resumed her account, describing the Imperial twins, Kelmomas and Samarmas. The latter was indeed an idiot, as Achamian had heard. But according to Mimara, the Imperial Physicians had feared both children were idiots in the beginning. Apparently the two infants would simply stare into each other's eyes, day after day, month after month, then year after year. If separated, they ceased to eat, as if they shared but one appetite between the two of them. It was only after Esmenet contracted a celebrated physician from Conriya that their two souls were finally pried apart and the idiocy of Samarmas was revealed.

"It was a wonder," Mimara exclaimed, as if reliving the memories of their cure in a rush. "To be so... so
strange
, and then to waken as, well, beautiful little boys, normal in all respects."

"You were fond of them."

"How could I
not
be? They were innocents born into a labyrinth—a place devious beyond compare. The others could never see it, no matter how much they complained and clucked, they could never see the Andiamine Heights for what it was."

"And what was that?"

"A prison. A carnival. And a temple, a
temple
most of all. One where sins were counted according to harms
endured
rather than inflicted. It was no place for children! I told Mother as much, told her to take the twins to one of the Refuge Estates, some place where they could grow in the light of the sun, where things were... were..."

They had stooped to make their way beneath the fallen tree he'd seen earlier, so he supposed she had trailed to better concentrate. The limbs of the giant had folded and snapped, either bending back or prying deep into the earth. Dead leaves hung in rasping sheets. Finding passage was no easy task.

"Where things were what?" he asked when it became apparent she did not care to continue.

"Simple," she said dully.

Achamian smiled in his wise old teacher way. The thought occurred to him that she had sought to protect the memory of her own childhood as much as the innocence of her two little brothers. But he said nothing. People rarely appreciate alternative, self-serving interpretations of their conduct—especially when suffering ruled the balance of their lives.

"Let me guess," he ventured. "Your mother refused, said that they would need to learn the perils and complexities of statecraft to survive as Princes-Imperial."

"Something like that," she replied.

"So you trusted him. Kelmomas, I mean."

"Trusted?" she cried with open incredulity. "He was a child! He adored me—to the point of annoyance!" She fixed him with a vexed look, as if to say,
Enough, old man...
"He was the reason I ran away to find you, in fact."

Something troubled the old Wizard about this, but as so often happens in the course of heated conversations, his worries yielded to the point he hoped to press home. "Yes... But he was a child of
Kellhus
, an Anasûrimbor
by blood
."

"So?"

"So, that means he possesses
Dûnyain
blood. Like Inrilatas."

They had sloshed across the stream and were now climbing the far side of the gully. They could see the rest of the company above them, a string of frail forms labouring beneath the monumental trunks.

"Ah, I keep forgetting," she said, huffing. "I suppose he simply
must
be manipulative and amoral..." She regarded him the way he imagined she had regarded countless others on the Andiamine Heights: as something ridiculous. "You've been cooped in the wilds too long, Wizard. Sometimes a child is just a child."

"That's all they know, Mimara. The Dûnyain. They're bred for it."

She dismissed him with a flutter of eyelids. She had no inkling, he realized—like everyone else in the Three Seas. For her, Kellhus was simply what he appeared to be.

In the first years of his exile, the hardest years, Achamian had spent endless hours revisiting the events of the First Holy War—his memories of Kellhus and Esmenet most of all. The more he pondered the man, the more obvious the Scylvendi's revelatory words came to seem, until it became difficult to remember what it was like living
within
the circuit of his glamour. To think he had still loved the man
after
he had lured Esmenet to his bed! That he had spent sleepless hours wrestling with excuses—excuses!—for him.

But even still, after so many years, the appearances continued to argue
for
the man. Everything Mimara had described regarding the preparations for the Great Ordeal—even the scalpers accompanying him!—attested to what Kellhus had claimed so many years previous: that he had been sent to
prevent
the Second Apocalypse. Achamian had suffered that old sense several times now while feuding with Mimara, the one that had plagued him as a Mandate Schoolman travelling the courts of the Three Seas arguing the very things Kellhus had made religion (and
there
was an irony that plucked, if there ever was one). The anxious urge to throw words atop words, as if speaking could plaster over the cracked expressions that greeted his claims. The plaintive, wheedling sense of being disbelieved.

Maybe you
need
it, old man... Need to be disbelieved.

He had seen it before: men who had borne perceived injustices so long they could never relinquish them and so continually revisited them in various guises. The world was filled with self-made martyrs. Fear goads fear, the old Nansur proverb went, and sorrow, sorrow.

Perhaps he was mad. Perhaps everything—the suffering, the miles, the lives lost and taken—was naught but a fool's errand. As wrenching as this possibility was, and as powerful as the Scylvendi's words had been, Achamian would have been entirely prepared to accept his folly. He was a true student of Ajencis in this respect...

Were it not for his Dreams. And the coincidence of the Coffers.

The old Wizard continued on in silence, mulling the details of Mimara's tale. The picture she had drawn was as fascinating as it was troubling. Kellhus perpetually distracted, perpetually absent. His children possessing a jumble of human and Dûnyain attributes—and half-mad for it, apparently. Games heaped upon games, and sorrow and resentment most of all. Esmenet had fetched her broken daughter from the brothel only to deliver her to the arena that was the Andiamine Heights—a place where no soul could mend.

Not hers, and certainly not her daughter's.

Was this not a kind of proof of Kellhus? Pain followed him, as did tumult and war. Every life that fell into his cycle suffered some kind of loss or deformation. Was this not an outward sign of his... his
evil
?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. Suffering had ever been the wages of revelation. The greater the truth, the greater the pain. No one understood this quite so profoundly as he.

Either way, it was proof of
Mimara
. Our words always paint two portraits when we describe our families to others. Outsiders cannot but see the small peeves and follies that wrinkle our relationships with our loved ones. The claims we make in defensive certainty—that we were the one wronged, that we were the one who wanted the best—cannot but fall on skeptical ears since everyone but everyone makes the same claims of virtue and innocence. We are always more than we want to be in the eyes of others simply because we are blind to the bulk of what we are.

Kellhus had taught him that.

Mimara had wanted him to see her as a victim, as a long-suffering penitent, more captive than daughter, and not as someone embittered and petulant, someone who often held others accountable for her inability to feel safe, to feel anything unpolluted by the perpetual pang of shame...

And he loved her the more for it.

Later, as the murk of evening steeped through the forest galleries, she slowed so that he could draw abreast, but she did not return his questioning gaze.

"What I told you," she eventually said, "that was foolish of me."

"What was foolish?"

"What I said."

This final exchange left him sorting through melancholy thoughts of his own family and the wretched Nroni fishing village where he had been born. They seemed strangers, now, not simply the people who inhabited his childhood memories, but the passions as well. The doting love of his sisters... Even the tyranny of his father—the maniacal shouts, the wordless beatings—seemed to belong to some soul other than his own.

This
, he realized... This was his true family: the mad children of the man who had robbed him of his wife. The New Anasûrimbor Dynasty. These were his brothers and sisters, sons and daughters. And this simply meant that he had
no
family... that he was alone.

Save for the mad woman trekking beside him.

His little girl...

Back when he had been a tutor in Aöknyssus, he took up the antique Ceneian practice of considering problems while walking—peripatetics, the ancients had called it. He would trudge down from his apartment by the Premparian Barracks, through the wooded pathways of the Ke, and down to the port, where the masts made a winter forest of the piers. There was this defunct temple where he would always glimpse the same beggar through a breach in the walls. He was one of those unravelled men, unkempt and withered, slow-moving and speechless, as if dumbfounded at where the years had delivered him. And for some reason it always knocked Achamian from his stride seeing him. He would pass gazing, his walk slowing to a numb saunter, and the beggar would simple stare off, beyond caring who did or did not watch. Achamian would forget whatever problem he had set off to ponder and brood instead about the cruel alchemy of age and love and time. A fear would clutch him, knowing that this,
this
, was true solitude, to find yourself the feeble survivor, stranded at the end of your life, your loves and hopes reduced to remembered smoke, hungering, suffering...