The Willow Tree: A Novel (18 page)

                                                                       Im not even kissing her—Moishes smile broadened, then he chuckled for a moment as Bobbys eyes widened—Is true…we hold hands a little while we talk, a little bit sometimes, but Im so scared to kiss her but all the time in my chest my heart is pounding and my stomach, Achhh, mine stomach is already in my throat, O Bobby you should see my Gertrude—Moishes eyes filling with such love and affection they were brighter than the sun on the leaves—and everyday is being like today…even when one day it rains after we/re spreading the blanket and shes unpacking the food….Ya, everyday like now with music in the air…and shes loving me like the tree is loving the sun—Moishe grins almost selfconsciously, continuing to glow with love, Bobby totally transfixed, mesmerized, by Moishes story, but more by his feelings—Ya Bobby, you should be seeing her with the sun spinning around in her hair…it was so golden Bobby like more than any flower…like honey and always when we/re there a butterfly is flying around her head, ya, ya, is true, always, I dont know we go there how many times and always a butterfly, always, even up to the last time we/re there…a butterfly dancing in the golden sunlight of her hair and such a happy dance O Bobby who is thinking trouble??? who is thinking like what was going to happen, ya theres trouble, ya, ya, in all life theres trouble, but Bobby who is thinking with the butterfly dancing in the golden light, the water sparkling, the birds singing and we/re hugging, eating, drinking wine and telling each other such things O Bobby such things of love and all true from our heart so whos thinking that some day the birds and the butterflies and even the flowers turn into beasts, maddened, crazed beasts of prey who devour the land ach Bobby, you should see…you should see our little boy running after the ducks and geese, hes falling and getting up and falling and we/re laughing and he stumbles and the ducks quack and waddle a few feet at a time—Moishes head back, laughing, Bobby grinning—and then is biting his foot a big goose and hes yelling and is so funny….O Bobby…is so funny…and always when there, before we/re married, married after and with our son always is coming the butterfly…is true Bobby, always is coming the butterfly—Bobby staring at Moishe whose expression was almost angelic, obviously so happy in just remembering those days, the memories bringing not only the joy of then, but also replacing all the pain that followed in the days, and years since…and Bobby continued to stare, never having been around anyone like Moishe, never feeling the way he did at this moment, nothing in his life comparable to what Moishe was talking about because Bobby could see by the way Moishe looked that this was different than anything he knew or could remember, for damn sure the moms never had no look on her face like Mushie be having now…but suddenly Bobby did remember something that made him feel good all over at the time and in the remembering, when he was a little kid and it was one of those really hot summers and they turned on the hydrant and all the kids were running through and in the water yelling and screeching…it was Bobbys first time with a hydrant open like that and it suddenly became another world. He had seen hydrants, and especially that one on his block, and heard the word, hydrant, but never really knew what they were for and now all of a sudden instead of burning up with the heat he was feeling cool and running and screaming with the other kids and the hydrant became a magicians wand transforming the blazing street into a cool wonderland and the air was suddenly free of the stink of garbage and big folks yellin at little kids, and the little kids yellin at the littler kids and even some of the old sourpusses was laughing as the kids screeched their way through the powerful stream, playing every game they could think of with the stream of water, sometimes standing to the side and jumping up and down on the wet streets, their sneakers squishing and squeaking, older kids shoving younger kids into the water, younger kids showing off for the older kids, ‘watch me, watch me’!!!! the cars coming down the street stopping, closing their windows, cursing the water and the kids but only some and anyway, Bobby didnt hear the ones that were pissed off, too delighted to be aware of anything but having fun, and the cars would crawl, barely moving through the area, windshield wipers whacking back and forth, drivers nervous because they were afraid of hitting the kids as they ran and yelled not paying attention to where they were going, then continuing down the street but sooner or later another one would come through the stream and the kids would yell at the driver to hurry up, hurry up…and even after the water was turned off they continued running in the wet streets, the air still so different, so unfamiliarly clean, and then the ice pushcart came around and he got a ice with strawberry and he sucked it and chewed it, feeling the cold almost numb his throat and stomach and then he sat on the curb by the hydrant, reaching over and touching it from time to time, thinking of it as his friend, wanting to talk to it but knowing if he did everybody would make fun of him so he just talked to it to himself, and that night in bed and many other times when it was so hot and sticky he couldnt hardly move through the air. He sat on the curb very aware of how his wet clothes felt on his body, his wet sneakers on his feet, the wet ground under his butt and the incredible magic of the hydrant that had changed his world of smells and heat and grouchy and crabby big people to one of just a whole lot of fun and something else he didnt understand, but something that made him feel good and he never forgot, he never forgot how one minute he felt crushed and squeezed by the street and then all of a sudden it no longer had walls but was wide open, like the hydrant, and became a really great, great place, like some kind of fairy tale and he felt like he never felt before…all just like that, out of nowhere, and he hadnt even hoped for anything like that, it just happened out of nowhere…just like that….

                            and that was sort of how being with Moishe made him feel, now, like all of a sudden everything that was always the same had changed but he knew it was all the same, but somehow….

                                   he knew, mostly anyway, how the water made him feel good that day, but how does being with Moishe make him feel good???? Bobby shook his head and grinned and let go trying to understand what was happening, he just looked at Moishe with that look on his face like he never saw on anyone before and felt all those good feelings go through him and enjoyed it, figurin he best enjoy it as much as he can right now because sooner or later the street be squeezing in on him but for now he wasnt going to give that a thought but just sit with Moishe under the willow tree and look at Moishes face wondering how anyone can look so happy, and remembering the hydrant, the strawberry ice and how his wet sneakers felt when he walked like there was a big squishy cushion between his feet and the street…and, from time to time, seeing the sun wiggling around the leaves of the tree and hunching over the ripples in the water as boats glided by, ducks getting nonchalantly out of their way, and all the yells and screams of kids, kids, kids, and above all the various and sundry noises there was laughter…all kinds, all volumes, all laughter….

                            So—still looking through the hanging branches at the water—We come from old country to America and friend brings us here. They too are having child, little girl, and we/re coming here and riding in boat and we/re seeing this tree…from over there, near that little island. Gertrude is first seeing it and yelling to me, The tree, the tree, and is almost tipping over the boat—Moishe suddenly laughed, moving his head for the first time in many, many minutes—Its like shes thinking she can walk on the water and is going to run to the tree—Moishe stopped laughing and closed his eyes for a moment, his face continuing to reflect his joy—Im rowing right here, that same little chink in the wall, and we/re getting out and sitting right away under the tree and all the years we/re coming here and sitting, we/re walking and rowing too, but always were sitting for a while here under the tree, just like this, and looking and hugging and yelling at Karl-Heinz to stay away from the edge, dont fall in, and Gertrude is telling me, always, to relax, hes alright…ya, she was so good a mother…and everytime we/re sitting here Im looking for a butterfly but never a butterfly here…but still her hair its like honey and the sun twinkled in it…always twinkled like lights on a Christmas tree…ya, the sun on her hair was always like Christmas….

                     Moishe leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes, again his reverie so clearly and lovingly reflected on his face, and Bobby sat beside the old man feeling as if he were sitting in the sun and it was twinkling in his hair, feeling so relaxed by whatever was coming from Moishe and so aware of the clean smell of the earth beneath him, the water, the air, the tree and still feeling the joy of his hydrant and squishy sneakers…watching a family of ducks bobbing up and down on the water, making their way to where the hanging limbs of the willow tree met the lake….

                            In time Moishe opened his eyes and looked at Bobby with the same look of peace and reverie on his face, So…youre liking my tree?

Bobby smiled and shook his head, It be righteous Mush—touching him on the shoulder—You be righteous bro—continuing to look at Moishe, feeling a sense of strength and softness flowing through him and around him, again, something he had no experience with, a feeling alien to him yet not frightening, not even questioning it, but simply experiencing it and knowing it was safe to allow it to happen, that the feeling was alright, that he was alright and it was fine to be touching Moishe like he was, leaving his hand on Moishes shoulder and feeling the warmth and safety that came from him, feeling somehow simply a part of the moment, void of self-consciousness, aware only of being there with Moishe and touching him and that it was alright, that everything was alright…yeah, that was it, everything was alright

             and Moishe looked into Bobbys eyes, aware of the change, aware of Bobbys place in what was happening at that moment, feeling, in turn, something coming from Bobby, Moishe realizing he was a part of Bobbys experience and rejoiced with a thousand hallelujahs, so happy to feel Bobbys contentment at and with the moment and feeling himself as much of the old happiness as was possible and that was as it should be, if resurrecting the past meant he had to again feel the crush of the camp and smell its deadly air, then he also should be able to feel the joy of love, the cleansing, healing happiness of their love under the willow tree and all other times because they carried that joy with them wherever they went…even under a building, lying in filth and fixing a pipe…of course, at that time he was more involved with other things, other feelings so maybe he was not as aware of the feelings of love, and didnt think about the butterfly, but always the love was there….

              Ya Bobby, we/re married 25 years and sometimes Im coming home from work and as Im starting already up the stairs I think of Gertrude and feel like I cant wait to see her…sometimes the pain is first tearing me apart, but always is there the love…always…O Bobby—placing his hand on top of Bobbys hand on his shoulder—sometimes Im so angry shes leaving me, alone, but eventually Im remembering the 53 years we/re having together and not always its the peaches and cream, after all, she was a woman—grinning—even now Im having to make stupid joke…but always the love Bobby…always—tapping Bobbys hand a few times, then leaning back against the tree and staring up through the branches at the sky…Bobby watching a little kid, being held by the arm by a parent, throwing bread crumbs to the ducks, the kid bouncing up and down and screeching, the ducks swimming around and gobbling the crumbs, from time to time diving under the surface for the ones that were slowly sinking.

They stayed under the tree until the sun moved far enough to the west to bring a chill to the shaded, damp air under the tree. The change in the air and temperature was so great when they stepped from the shadows into the sunlight they both stopped for a moment to experience the warm air brushing against their skin.

They continued walking through the park, Moishe deliberately avoiding the zoo where animals were locked in tiny, foul smelling cages, staying with the rolling grassy ground, the children yelling and running, the people lying on the grass, some hugging and kissing, a thousand and two radios playing all different stations and all melting into a noise Moishe chuckled at but was so happy he didnt have to live with, thinking it was nice he could go home and play what he would play, but for now they could rock their craziness.

They stopped at one of the pushcart vendors, Moishe still smiling, So, maybe Im talking you into having some hot dogs?

O Mush, how the fuck you ever figure that one out? you be one smart sonofabitch…damn, you be right on Mush—raising his right hand and waiting a moment until Moishe understood what was happening, then raised his, then gave Moishe a high five and Moishe laughed and gave it right back.

They stayed at the hot dog push cart for many minutes, and when Bobby finished his second one, and his Pepsi, they started walking again.

Mush, you best be gettin that wagon an wheelin me home, Im not makin it, uh, uh, no way Im walking all the way to the muthafuckin subway—shaking his head and laughing, Moishe grinning and still feeling the sensation in his chest when he heard Bobby say, ‘home’, a feeling of absolute joy, but also one of fear, fear of losing another son, another person he loved and held dear, but he decided to postpone the pain until later and enjoy right now, just enjoy…enjoy. He looked at Bobby, Is long time since Ive been here.

Yeah?

Ya…long time….And the first one I show my tree to is you.

Bobby stopped walking and so did Moishe, No shit? I be the firs one you bring to your will tree?

Ya…number one…is true.

Bobby was smiling and grinning and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, feeling the grass bend and rise, bend and rise, Damn…now aint that somethin….Damn…the firs one….Damn, I caint believe that…me…the firs one. Damn Mush, you be somethin else—and Bobby started walking, shaking his head, beaming, beaming, beaming and bouncing on the grass, feeling and hearing the grass squish under his sneakers. He stopped and looked at Moishe, both with expressions of total joy on their faces, shook his head, Damn Mush, I really be diggin you. You be one righteous dude!!!!