The Wizard's Dilemma, New Millennium Edition (33 page)

But Kit is going to want to come,
she thought.
I can’t stop him. And, oh, I do need his help.

But he was even less experienced at this business of manipulating kernels than she was.
And if he
does
come along, when he sees Pralaya, what if he realizes who’s hiding inside him?

The details of this bizarre relationship were still making her head go around in circles. Up until now the Lone Power usually had manifested itself in displays of brutal and destructive power. Nita knew perfectly well that It could be subtle when It pleased. But she hadn’t pictured anything like
this.
And regardless of the mechanism by which It had subverted this wizard, if Kit recognized Its presence in Pralaya, he was going to be furious that Nita was still working with him.
He’s not going to understand what I’m up against here,
she thought.

He will if you explain it to him,
said the back of her mind.

But Nita was already beginning to try to frame that explanation in her head, and the more she tried, the more it sounded like something that would simply make Kit think she had sold out to the Lone Power.

And what if he’s right?

She turned over and stared at the ceiling, her mind noisy with tentative dialogue, and with anguish.

To save her mother… and lose her wizardry. Was it worth it? Once, when Nita’s wizardry was new, maybe she would have said
No!
right away. The Oath seemed so clear-cut then, the lines between good and evil very thickly drawn.

But now…

Her
mother.

She simply could not imagine a life without that serene, dancing presence sailing through it. Her mother was always there, behind everything, involved in everything. The idea of a life without her, of an emptiness where she had been: never again to hear her voice, joking, yelling, singing to herself,
never again.

Not this side of Timeheart, anyway.

Normally it was a comfort thinking of Timeheart, where everything that existed was preserved in perfection, close to the center of things. But the Heart of Time was remote—a remote certainty at best, a remote possibility when you were in a more cynical or suspicious mood. It was an abstract, nothing like the concrete reality of the woman who had been genially cursing at her Cuisinart just a week or so ago. The woman who had always been there with a hug for Nita, who had been able to understand about everything—about being bullied, about doing well or badly at school—even, to a certain extent, about wizardry itself.

And now, if I do this—I’ll have to give
that
up.

But she would still be here.

Yet, to give it up
— The idea was bitter. A window on a hundred thousand other worlds, and a most intimate window on this one, closed forever: even the memory of it slowly ebbing away until there was just a small nameless ache at the bottom of her that she would learn to ignore with time, the place where wizardry had been and wasn’t anymore. So many people had that ache and thought it was normal. Eventually Nita would be just one more of them. She would remember—if she remembered anything— “those great games I used to play with Kit.” That was all they would be: memories of childhood fantasies.

And
he
would still remember the reality, while Nita would pass him on the street, maybe, or in school, and not remember what he’d been to her—not
really.

But at least nobody would be dead.

Except the part of you that the Powers gave the wizardry to,
Nita thought.
Murdered, just as if you’d shot it with a gun.
How could it possibly be a good thing to do that, no matter
whose
life it saved?

She put her face in her hands. It was a dilemma.

But, then, that’s what a dilemma is,
Nita thought.
A two-horned problem. Something split in two.

Like me.

Like me and Kit,
whispered a thought that had been lying unspoken in the back of her mind for a while now, for fear that speaking it might make it come true.

Nita moaned out loud with the sheer unfairness of it. Yet what use was keeping wizardry and partnership, and all the rest of it, when her mother wouldn’t be there to see it, and roll her eyes, and insist that she do her homework? All the hospital talk of chemotherapy and radiotherapy and so on, after the surgery, could not hide from her what it took no wizardry at all to see: the looks on the faces of the doctors and nurses who were caring for her mom. They usually wouldn’t even say the name of the thing that had attacked her mother from within. They merely said “c.a.” or used long Latin and Greek words, all of which had the ominous “oma” ending clinging to them, like a dark shadow trailing away behind. The doctors were as afraid of what was going to happen to her mom as Nita was. For all the magic that was medical science, there was precious little hope in their eyes.

If anything’s going to save her,
Nita thought,
it’s going to have to be something I do.

But
which
something?

The weariness was beginning to catch up with her. Nita put her face into her pillow. She wanted to cry, but she felt too tired to do even that.

Mom. Kit.
Her mind went back and forth between the two of them.

I’m just going to have to go ahead and get what help I can out of Pralaya.

And then, if it doesn’t work…

She was afraid now to try to see that far ahead in her life. But she was considering the options—and the idea of what Kit would think of this scared Nita. Yet she knew that keeping her options open was the right thing.

Like you were right about Jones Inlet
? said another small voice in the back of her mind.

She gripped the pillow with both hands and ground her face into it.
Tell me what to do!
she begged whoever might be listening.
Give me a hint!

But the night was silent around her, and no answers came. And the only Power That had spoken to her so far had been the One she had sworn never to deal with.

Finally sleep took her. But her dreams were all bad, and even in the midst of them, she knew that when she woke up, things would be no better.

The awakening was sudden, and Nita lay there with her heart pounding, knowing something was wrong but unable to work out what it was. Finally her eyes focused as she looked over at her alarm clock, and she realized it was eleven-thirty in the morning.

Didn’t it go off? What happened?
she thought, sitting bolt upright in bed.

“Dad called school,” Dairine’s voice said. Nita looked up and saw Dairine sitting in her chair with her feet up on Nita’s desk, wearing nothing but one of her dad’s T-shirts, and looking small and miserable. “He asked them to let us both off today because of the operation tomorrow.”

Nita lay down again, wishing that she could just go back to sleep, except that it was hardly any better than being awake. “Dair,” she said after a moment. “If giving up your wizardry would make Mom better, would you do it?”

Her sister looked at her in complete shock and didn’t say anything for at least a minute. For Dairine this was something of a record.

“Is that what you’re going to have to do?” she said at last.

“I don’t know.”

“I’d…” Dairine said. And she trailed off, her eyes going haunted.

Nita nodded.

“Are you sure it would work?” Dairine said after a while.

Nita shook her head. “Nothing’s sure,” she said.

Dairine pulled her knees up under the baggy T-shirt and hugged them to her for a long time. Then she looked up.

“And then it would all be gone?”

“Everything,” Nita said. “All the magic, gone forever.”

Dairine sat with her forehead on her knees, minute after minute. When she looked up, her face was wet. “If you were sure…”

Nita shook her head again.

“I’d miss you,” Dairine said.

“I wouldn’t be gone,” Nita said.

“You know what I mean.”

Nita nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “I’d miss you, too.”

And Dairine got up and went out of Nita’s room, heading upstairs.

***

Nita could do little else that day but work with the manual, trying to evaluate the effectiveness of her work with the kernels and fine-tuning the spells she would have with her while working on her mother. But the problem that she could not solve kept intruding itself between her and her preparation, and there was no respite from it, nowhere to hide.

The sound of the discreet
bang!
in the backyard brought Nita’s head up—almost a welcome distraction. But then her heart went cold.
Kit. How am I going to explain this to him?

It just isn’t fair,
she thought.
What’s happened to Mom has spoiled everything. Even things I should be glad about hurt now.

She heard the back door open and the faint sound of Kit saying something to Dairine in the kitchen, then his footsteps on the stairs, and a scrambling noise behind him as Ponch ran up. The dog was first into her room; he burst past Kit and ran up to Nita and put his forepaws up on her. “We went bang!” he said.

“Yeah, I heard you, big guy,” Nita said, and looked at Kit as he came in and sat down on the bed.

“How’d it go?” Kit said. “You get your practice done?”

“Yeah. The last one, I think.”

He looked concerned. “Is that going to be enough? Are you ready?”

At that Nita had to put her face in her hands, rubbing her eyes in an attempt to keep from looking like she was hiding her face. “I don’t know,” she said. “But it can’t wait any longer.”

“I guess you couldn’t really put it off,” Kit said, sounding like he could tell perfectly well that Nita wanted to.

“No,” she said, unhappy. “When Mom’s anesthetized is the best time to do this; even during sleep there’s a chance she could be conscious enough to get caught up in what’s going on, and that’d be a problem.”

“Well,” Kit said, “if you’ve done all the preparation you can… I guess there’s nothing to do now but wait.”

“Yup,” she said.

“And while we’re doing that, we can talk about exactly what you want me to be doing to help.”

Nita didn’t answer right away. Kit looked at her sharply, and she noticed Ponch’s eyes on her, too, an expression more subtle and considering than you usually got from him. “Neets,” Kit said, “why’re you so twitchy all of a sudden?”

“Well, why on Earth wouldn’t I be twitching!” Nita said.

Kit and Ponch just looked at her. “Neets,” Kit said, “give me a break. This is
me,
remember? You’re twitching more than usual. More than makes sense even for what you’re going through, not that it’s not awful enough. What’s
happened
to you since we talked last?”

“Kit,” Nita said at last. “We’ve saved a lot of lives in our time. A
lot.
”

“Millions,” Kit said. There might have been some pleasure in the way he said it, but no pride.

“
So how come I may not be able to save the one who matters?
”

“Like those other times didn’t matter, really,” Kit said, with mild scorn. “But Neets, the key word here is
we.
You don’t have to go through this alone.”

She didn’t say anything for a long while. “You don’t understand,” Nita said at last. “This time, I think I
have
to do it alone.” And she tightly controlled her mind so that he wouldn’t hear her thought:
Because I couldn’t stand it if somehow
you
wound up paying the same price I might have to, and losing your wizardry, too!

Kit’s look got suddenly even more concerned. “Neets. Tell me what you’ve been doing. I don’t want a précis. I want the details. All of them.”

She was silent for some moments. Then Nita told him.

***

It took a while, though doing some of the explaining mind to mind sped things up. But toward the end of it, as she began telling him about Pralaya, Kit’s expression turned grave. When she told him about that last conversation she and Pralaya had had, Kit’s eyes went cold. He didn’t say anything for a good while.

“I’m still not sure how He was doing that,” Nita said.

“As an avatar,” Kit said. “Neets,
all
the Powers That Be can do that when They need to, when They’re on the job. Come on! If the One’s Champion can live inside a macaw for years at a time, why should it surprise you that the Lone Power can pull the same stunt every now and then?”

Slowly she nodded, feeling cold inside.

“Neets, I hate to say it, but this really looks like the Lone One’s been getting at you. Even before It fell, It preferred to work by Itself. Then It got isolated and proud, and after that came the Fall. And that pride’s still Its favorite way of tripping people up. Making them think they can handle everything by themselves.”

“Kit, in this case there’s actually something to it! You just don’t have the experience at what I’m going to have to be doing—”

“As if that matters! Neets, you’re not thinking straight right now. You even missed something as simple as the mechanism the Lone One’s using to hide inside Pralaya. How can you be so sure about your thinking on everything else?”

That
was something she couldn’t bear to hear. Followed to its logical conclusion, that line of reasoning would suggest that everything Nita had been planning was possibly useless, doomed to failure from the start.

“If you accept Its help,” Kit said, “you’re probably going to lose your wizardry! But what’s more important is that doing that is just
wrong.
”

Now she did hide her face in her hands. “Kit,” she said softly, “it looks more and more like, to save my mom, I’m going to lose it no matter what I do. Or die trying. But I have to
try.
”

“Not alone,” Kit said. “And not this way, Neets! You come to any kind of deal with that One, it’s gonna backfire somehow. Believe me!”

“All this is real easy for
you
to say, but
your mother’s not dying!
”

Kit’s expression was pained, but he just shook his head. “You think I haven’t imagined about a hundred times how this must be for you? But it doesn’t change the rights and wrongs of it, Neets. It says right there in the Oath, ‘I will defend life
when it is right to do so.’
It’s
never
right to do it on the Lone Power’s terms, and if you let It sucker you into this—”