The Year of My Miraculous Reappearance (20 page)

I still didn't know his name. And he didn't tell me, because I guess he thought I knew. So it seemed way too late to tell him I didn't.

He talked about art, and I could hardly get a word in edge- wise. I just kept looking at the sidewalk and nodding. Then he was quiet for a minute, but I still didn't get any words in because I had no idea what to say. Before I could think of anything, he asked me if I had a boyfriend. I stopped walking and so did he.

I looked up at him, but by then he was looking down at the sidewalk. It seemed like we were taking turns with that.

“I'm not sure,” I said.

“How can you not be sure?”

“Well. There's this guy. But I'm not really sure if he's my boyfriend. But if I had a boyfriend, it would definitely be him. Because we've been through a lot together. Know what I mean?”

He was still looking at the sidewalk. I looked past him and saw Snake walking down the street behind us. I felt really glad to see him. Like he was rescuing me. I waved really big and motioned for him to catch up.

The kid whose name I didn't know said, “Okay, then, thanks anyway.” And he walked off before Snake could catch up to us.

I looked at Snake, and I think he could see by the look on my face that I was glad to see him.

“I wasn't spying on you,” he said. “I just wanted to see if I could catch you on your way home from school.”

“I didn't think you were spying. I was happy to see you. I think that guy was trying to ask me out. But I told him if I had a boyfriend it would be you. And then when you were there, it was perfect timing.”

He smiled and looked kind of shy, and I could see that he had been worried. I could tell by the relief on his face when he got to stop.

He said, “Want to go for an ice cream?”

Not going home sounded like the most wonderful plan ever. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it myself.

On the way down to the ice cream place he said, “You never really told me much about what happened to you. You know. After I took off.”

“Oh. Probably because it was all bad.”

“You don't have to if you don't want.”

“No, it's okay. Nanny and Grampop came and got Bill from the hospital. I never even got to see him. Or them. They didn't even poke their heads in my room and say ‘hi.' I had to go to court. Got probation, thank God. Because I'd never been in trouble before. I think they thought it was all your fault. Even though I kept trying to tell them I was the brains behind the outfit. No offense.”

“I knew what you meant.”

“Anyway, you know, older boy and all. I guess they figured you had me doing stuff that was unlike me. Little did they know.”

“So you just have to see a probation officer?”

“No, they also make me go to AA meetings. And they make me take pee tests, so they know what I've been doing.”

“So, are you, like, just dying to get that over with so you can go back to being yourself?”

“Yes and no,” I said. “I'll be happy to be done with probation, all right.”

And then we were at the ice cream place, and there was no line. I got one of those chocolate cones where they fill it up with a giant spiral of soft-serve chocolate and then dip it in a
chocolate coating that freezes on. Snake got vanilla, which seemed weird. Why would anyone like vanilla? And why didn't I know he did?

We sat outside.

I said, “I'm trying not to go back to that. At all. I figure I'll keep going to the meetings and try to stick with it. Even after I don't really have to.”

I was all ready to hear him say something like, What the hell is that all about? Or, Wow, they really brainwash you, huh? That's the way I thought someone from the outside would see it.

“Good for you,” he said.

“You really mean that?”

“Absolutely. I was kind of worried about it. You know. That you'd turn out …”

“Like my mom?”

He put his hands—ice cream cone and all—in front of his face. Like pretend defense. “I'm not running down your mom. Not after what happened to Richie.” We both laughed a little. It was funny but kind of uncomfortable, too. Then he said, “But seriously, I was worried.”

“Did it seem like I was that bad?”

I could tell I was putting him on the spot. He didn't want to answer that. He stumbled around a little. “I don't know. Maybe. I mean, I don't know how bad it has to be. You know. To be bad. It just seemed … But I don't know, I could be wrong, too. I'm not trying to judge you.”

“No, it's okay. I want you to. I mean, I want to hear this.

Because I was so sure it wasn't that bad. But now I'm thinking maybe I was looking at it wrong.”

“Those bad habits have a funny way of making you look at them wrong.”

I wondered how he knew. Snake didn't drink, so far as I knew. I'd never seen him drink.

I said, “Here's the really weird part. This will blow you away. Now my mom is going to the meetings and not drinking.”

“You're shittin' me.”

I held up one hand like I was in court. God forbid. “May God strike me dead if I'm lying.”

“That sounds weird. I mean … is it weird? Or is it okay?”

“Well. There are okay parts. Like, if she stays sober, we're going to get Bill back for the whole summer. I'm looking forward to that so much I can hardly stand it. I was scared he was going to forget me.” I was surprised I said that. I didn't know I was about to say something so honest. “But mostly it's weird.”

“No way. That kid would never forget you. You're his whole world.” I thought that was a nice thing to say. “I know you really love that kid. I think it's nice, too. I know I was kind of nasty about it. But I was just being selfish. It was nice. It's like I knew you didn't care about school, or your mom, or me, but it was nice to see that you cared about something.” He licked some melted ice cream off the cone and the side of his hand. We were both quiet a minute. Probably a little embarrassed. Then he said, “What's the downside?”

“Of what?”

“You said there were bad parts to your mom not drinking.”

“Oh. That. Yeah, lots of them. She comes to my meetings, which makes it really hard to be myself. And she notices me now, and everything that happens in the house, and I feel like I'm being watched all the time. And she wants to be taken care of. She's feeling all … you know … like …
fragile
or something. And she wants me around all the time and she wants me to cook for her and bring her things and watch TV with her. It's exhausting. It's like having a kid. I swear, now I know what it feels like to be a mother. Well, I already did, because of Bill. But he was easy, compared to my mom. She's really tough to raise. Boy, I swear I could use a vacation.”

“How about just a little vacation? How about if Friday I pick you up and we'll go see a movie? There're about three good things playing downtown. I'll even let you pick the movie. Think she'd let you go?”

“It's not up to her. I'm the mother, remember?”

“Does that mean yes?”

“Yes.”

“Cool.”

We were pretty much done with our ice cream by then, so he walked me home. We didn't really talk much on the way. But it wasn't weird or anything. We just walked along and didn't need to keep filling up the air with chatter.

When we got to the end of my driveway he said, “I keep meaning to say something about that letter you gave me.”

“Yeah, I wondered.” My stomach felt a little scared.

“I've been meaning to say don't feel so bad. We both pretty
much screwed up big-time. I mean, I don't think even
you
could make that big a mess all by yourself. But anyway, thanks for what you said.”

Then he walked away. Didn't try to kiss me or hug me goodbye or anything. Just turned around and walked home. Wherever that was.

CHAPTER 13
The Kind You Get
to Pick Out Yourself

Nanny and Grampop still hadn't written me back.

I called Pat to talk about it.

She said trust was hard. We break somebody's trust a few times and we can't get it back just like that. It takes time and effort. We have to give them time to see that we really are serious about changing.

She said if I wanted, she'd talk to them for me. Put in a good word.

“Thanks,” I said. “But I'd like to try one more time on my own.”

Then I got off the phone and sat there wondering what I could say to them that I hadn't already said last time. That's
when it hit me, and I felt really stupid that it had never hit me before.

I called Pat back. I said, “I never made amends to Nanny and Grampop.”

She said, “Bingo.”

“You thought of that already? Why didn't you tell me?”

“I was hoping you would think of it on your own.”

“If I sit down and write them a letter for my amends, can I read it to you first?”

“Sure,” she said.

And then I got off the phone because I had a lot of work to do.

I spent the whole evening working on it and took it over to Pat's the next day.

She just sat quietly and listened while I read it to her. Which was really embarrassing. But I did it anyway.

“Dear Nanny and Grampop,

“I think I should have written this letter to you a long time ago. It's funny how the more I go along, the more I look back on what came before, like things I did in the past, and see them in a different way. So when it hits me that I owe amends to someone, I think it's because I'm finally able to see what really happened.

“I think when I took Bill I felt almost like he
belonged to me. Because I felt like I was the only one who really cared about him. But now I know it isn't enough to care about him. You have to be able to
take
care of him. I don't know how I thought I was going to do that.

“I guess there were a lot of things I didn't think through.

“I just know that I shouldn't have stolen him in the middle of the night, no matter how much I love him and how much I wanted him back. I also know I took a big risk driving with him. So I can look back at the way I loved him then and see that it wasn't a very good kind of love if I was willing to take that much of a chance with his safety. I'm sorry I couldn't see that at the time.

“I'm not trying to steal him now. I'm trying to earn him.

“Whether you believe me or not, I'm trying to learn to be the kind of person who can take care of him. Just for the summer at first. Mom is trying, too.

“I know I've let you down before, and there's nothing I can say now that will magically make you trust me. I know that, and I really understand. Maybe if I were you, I wouldn't trust me, either. So if you want to watch me for a while to see if I really mean it, that's okay.

“I just need to ask again if you'll read letters to Bill for me if I write them. Because I'm just really
scared that he'll forget all about me. Here I am working so hard to be able to get him back and I worry that he won't even remember me when the time comes. I don't know if you're not answering me because it would take time to read to him, or because you think I don't deserve it. Maybe I don't. But Bill does. He deserves to still have a sister.

“When you came to Arizona and picked Bill up at the hospital, I was really hurt because you didn't even come in and see me. I think I was mad about that for a long time. But now when I look back I'm mad at myself, not you. Now it's hard to blame you for being too upset to talk to me right then.

“So no matter what you decide about the letters, I just want to say I'm sorry for what I did. And I'm not just saying it to try to get something from you. I really mean it.

Love, Cynthia”

When I was done reading, I looked at Pat and she just nodded. So I walked it down to the mailbox, dropped it in, and hoped for the best.

The next day—the day I was supposed to go to the movies with Snake—my mom and I had another fight. I don't know how I could be so stupid, to start thinking we never would.

It was when I told her I was going to be gone all evening. I mean, it's not like she needed a babysitter or anything. I didn't think we'd get into a big fight about it.

“Who's the boy?” she wanted to know.

I wasn't expecting that. Where did she get off all of a sudden? Acting like she could tell me what to do when I'd been running the show all this time. “Why? What does it matter?”

She said, “If you have a boyfriend, I ought to know about him.”

I said, “I'm not even sure he
is
my boyfriend. We're just going to a movie.”

“What's his name?”

I didn't want to lie, because of the honesty thing in the program. If I told a lie, I'd just have to make up for it later. So I said, “His name is Morris.” That was true.

“Morris Rooney? That ‘Snake' kid?”

“Yeah, what about it?”

“I don't want you seeing that boy, Cynnie.” It made me mad that she called me Cynnie, like I'd just gotten younger all of a sudden.

“Why not? What's wrong with Snake?”

“I am not letting you go out with that boy you ran off with.”

“Nothing happened with us, anyway. I'm not sleeping with him.” I could see she didn't believe me. I was starting to get really mad. It just came on me. Right there, right while it was happening, I could tell how I felt about something. It felt like this big thing, this force, something I couldn't control. It reminded
me of Snake's car, going into that last spin. I didn't know how to stop it.

I said, “Look, you can't have it both ways. First you want me to stay home and take care of you and do all this stuff you just don't feel ready to do. Now you want to tell me who I can see. Make up your mind. You're either the mother or you're not.”

The room got real quiet. After a while she said, “Fine. Do what you want. You're a big girl.”

I went off into my room to get ready for my date. Thinking I would've liked it better the other way around. If she'd decided to be the mother.

When we got home the house was all dark. I figured she'd turned in early. Ever since she'd gotten sober she had this habit of going to bed when all else failed. Sleep or no sleep. But some other little part of me was still expecting something bad.