The Year of My Miraculous Reappearance (7 page)

He kept saying, “Thynnie. Thynnie.” It was like a song. Something that made me feel really good inside. It's funny how easy it is to lose track of why anything means anything, and then all of a sudden something reminds you. I hugged him, and we rocked back and forth. He was heavier than I remembered, but I didn't put him down.

Nanny was standing behind me. I didn't know how long
she'd been there. She said, “We just finished dinner, but I'll make you up a plate. Then you'll get a good night's sleep, and Grampop will drive you home in the morning.”

I slipped a plastic bag out of her kitchen drawer and stuck it in my pocket. She gave me a plate of chicken and French fries and coleslaw. I asked to take it upstairs to Bill's room. I said I was tired and upset and needed privacy, which was not entirely lying.

I ate the coleslaw, because it would have made everything else soggy, and I put the chicken and French fries in the bag, and then after a few minutes I went downstairs and asked for seconds.

Nanny came into our room right before we put the lights out. I still hadn't seen Grampop, and I was a little worried about that, because maybe he was too mad to talk to me.

Nanny said, “Why, Cynthia? What was the point of worrying us like that?”

“I have a right to see Bill.”

“Why didn't you ask?”

“Oh, sure. Like she would have let me.”

“You still have to do things the right way.”

I think my whole life changed, just in that second. Because I'd been
trying
to do things the right way, my whole life. The way everybody told me life is supposed to work. And when Nanny said that, it got so clear that it was all a crock. Their way doesn't get you anywhere. I felt like I was swimming in a pool and I was pushing to get to the top and then just when I expected to break the surface and breathe air I hit my head on
the bottom. You know how that feels? Like you were so sure it was up but all of a sudden you find out it was down, and you can't imagine how you could've been so wrong. How everything could be so the opposite of what you thought.

I knew the next words out of my mouth would be a lie. Because I was done trying to talk to Nanny. I was done telling the truth.

“Well, I'm sorry I worried everybody, Nanny. I'll go home in the morning.” She didn't seem to know that none of that was true. Then, before she got out the door, I said, “She hasn't changed at all.”

“Give it time, dear.”

“I tried that. It's just getting worse. Her new boyfriend is a total loser, and now that Bill's gone she does even less around the house. You really didn't help at all. You said you'd talk to her and you didn't help.”

I probably shouldn't have said all that. I'd broken my own promise, not to even try with her anymore. Besides, what did it matter? I was never going to see any of them again. I wanted to see if Nanny had that special hurt look on, but the light was off, and the light from the hallway just lit her up from behind, like a ghost or an angel.

She said, “We'll talk in the morning, dear.” Her voice sounded funny and stiff.

No, we won't, I thought. In the morning it'll be a whole new world. I lay awake in bed whistling the theme from
Star Trek,
and Bill sang it back to me. Before morning we were boldly going … I don't know. Somewhere. Anywhere would be better.

I fell asleep without meaning to. When I woke up, the house was quiet. It was about eleven-thirty. I got Bill dressed and threw two drawers full of his clothes in a bag. The floor had one squeaky board, and I had to be careful not to step on it.

I slipped downstairs and took a couple of swigs of Gram- pop's Scotch. I thought a little would take the edge off how bad I felt, but as soon as I drank a little I felt like I needed to drink more. I tried not to think about that. I tried to just think about getting Bill and getting out.

I looked around to make sure the coast was clear. Good thing I did. I ran smack into Grampop, sitting at the kitchen table eating a piece of leftover cake.

“Couldn't sleep?” he said.

“Guess not.”

I sat down at the table with him. He wouldn't look at me. Grown-ups are funny when they're mad. Funny strange, I mean. They never admit it straight out, but any fool can see.

“Your mother has a hard enough time without you pulling stunts.”

I wanted to say,
She
makes her life hard, not me. I wanted to say, Seeing my little brother who got stolen from me is not a stunt. But I didn't. Because it didn't matter anymore. I didn't have to make my family understand me now. It was easier to just go away, where I didn't have to watch them disapprove.

We didn't talk for a while, and then Grampop got up and went to bed. He didn't even say good night. He didn't even rinse his dish, so I rinsed it for him. I looked out the window until I was sure he'd gone to bed. And I wondered how things
had gotten so complicated. But as far as I could remember, they always had been. I couldn't remember when life had ever been any easier than this.

It was after midnight when Bill and I got back to the car. I woke Snake up and gave him the chicken and French fries. That made him happy. Bill looked at Snake and Snake looked at Bill and I knew we didn't have any love-at-first-sight situation on our hands. I think they made each other nervous more than anything else.

When Snake was done eating, I had him drive by the house. I couldn't carry everything, so I'd left a bunch of things on the lawn. A suitcase with Bill's stuff, clothes and toys and things, all except his elephant, which he had tight under his arm. And a bag with some cheese and a loaf of bread and a bag of nacho chips and some sodas that I'd borrowed from the fridge. And a big bottle of Grampop's Scotch that I thought would be nice to have on the road. We got all this stuff into the backseat, and then we headed for Arizona.

I rolled my window down and took a blast of cool night air in the face, and I felt like I could breathe for the first time. For the first time ever I'd dreamed about something and now here it was, just the way I wanted it. A whole new world. I hugged Bill tighter on my lap.

I opened the bottle of Scotch and took a few swallows. I think I might've promised myself I wouldn't after I got Bill back. But this was different. When I promised that I thought we'd be at home, all nice and safe.

Snake gave me a dirty look.

“What's your problem?” I said, and Bill got nervous right away, sensing a fight.

“We're both underage, and I don't have a license. Just what I need is one more thing to get arrested for.”

I said, “Yeah, well, if they stop us they can only arrest us once. Stop worrying.”

“Dynamite logic,” he said, and I realized we were fighting, just like a real boyfriend and girlfriend. That made my stomach uneasy, so I sipped a little more Scotch, and it settled down some.

“Let's go to the Grand Canyon,” I said. Snake didn't answer one way or another.

I felt cheated, because all of a sudden he was in a rotten mood all the time. I thought he'd be good company, but it wasn't like I'd pictured it at all.

Boy, if I thought that was a fight, I had no idea. Come nightfall we were all the way to Williams, Arizona. We found a place to park but it was cold, and we were both tired. We had enough money for one more tank of gas. Then we had a problem to solve.

He said, “How are we supposed to be alone, anyway?” I wasn't sure what to say. I didn't want to be alone with him yet, but that might not have been the best answer. “Lay off Bill. I told you it was no deal without him.”

“It's like we're an old married couple already. No privacy. The kid comes first.”

“You knew it was going to be this way, Snake, so lay off. You're being a jerk.”

“Oh,
I'm
being a jerk. Right. It's always my fault.”

“Look,” I said. “Forget the Grand Canyon. You need to get some sleep, and we need to get where we're going.”

“Where are we going?”

“I don't know. Somewhere. Farther away than this. I'll drive all night. You'll feel better in the morning.”

“You? You can't drive.”

“Why can't I?”

“It takes practice.”

“Get real. You put it in drive, and you steer so you stay in the same lane. It's freeway all the way through.”

“What if we get pulled over?”

“Then we're dead one way or another. Neither one of us has a license.”

We argued around about it until Bill started to cry, and then Snake gave up.

“Fine,” he said. “Only be careful.”

CHAPTER 6
Trouble

I tried to put Bill in the backseat, but he was feeling extra clingy. So I let him sit on my lap and I put the seat belt around both of us. It took me a minute to get used to the gas pedal, how hard to press, but once I got out on the freeway it seemed easy.

Snake put his seat back and closed his eyes, and then the whole world got quiet. I liked the dark road. I liked Bill on my lap. I was whispering to him the whole time, telling him how good everything was going to be. How we'd live in a new place where no one would tell us what to do. The more I talked, the more he got nervous. If it hadn't been for Bill, I wouldn't have known I was lying. Underneath all my happy talk it seemed so
scary, headed out into the night, headed for a new place, when we didn't even know where the new place was. How would we know when we got there?

I opened the Scotch again and took a few slugs. I could feel it burn down into my belly, right where I needed it. The nice thing about a drink is that it can always find the place that needs warming up. After a while I felt real mellow and good. I was thinking that a bottle is the one thing that never lets you down. You think you know what it'll do for you, and you're always right. Not like people at all. Not like any other part of life. I could hear Snake snoring a little, and Bill fell asleep with his head halfway under my arm. That made it harder to steer but I didn't want to disturb him.

I wished somebody would wake up and talk to me. I felt kind of alone. I kept thinking that at home, I had my mom to take care of things. Which is a joke, because she never did, only it seemed like it had helped me some, knowing she was there. Who was going to take care of everything now? I took a few more sips.

I really didn't drink that much, though. I mean, I was driving. For the first time ever.

I rolled down the window and the night came in and hit me in the face. I figured it would keep me awake, at least. I guess that's when I got the feeling I had about speed. I guess until I felt that air rush in, I didn't realize I was going fast. But the way it blew into my face made me think about riding on Zack's motorcycle. I remembered the way he hit the gas, and it made the wind blow around in my shirt. Then I thought
about that night on the porch when I asked what made him feel whole for a second. Driving his bike too fast. That was the first thing he said, without even thinking. I wanted real bad to feel whole, so I decided to try it his way.

I put the gas pedal all the way down. It took a minute for that poor tired old car to get it together, but then we were going really good. The night wind in my face was making me squint and pushing tears out of my eyes.

I got this great rush where I felt like, Yeah. This is what we do. We do crazy shit, because we're broken. That's who we are. That's what we do.

Then I saw flashing red lights come on in my rearview mirror. And I knew I was dead.

I stomped on the gas even harder. I didn't know what else to do. I guess I thought I could still get away. I don't know what I thought. It was too much trouble to stop and face, so I just stomped on the gas.

I heard a siren, and the lights kept up with me, and then I saw the road was curving, but by the time I saw guardrail coming right at me, it was too late.

I tried to turn, but I think I pulled the wheel too hard. The car seemed to spin like it was alive on its own. No matter what I did it wouldn't stop spinning.

We spun all the way across the freeway, three lanes, and I could hear Snake yelling.

There was a guardrail on the other side, too, and we were headed right for it. I tried stomping on the brake, but the car was spinning all on its own and I think that made it worse. So
I just closed my eyes and braced for it. There was nothing else I could do.

It just all happened so fast.

When I woke up I was in the hospital. It was late, and it was dark, and nobody was there but me. There wasn't even anybody in the other bed. It was sort of spooky.

Then I guess I went back to sleep again, because when I woke up, it was light. There was a nurse standing over my bed. She was black, and really pretty, with that great kind of hair that's all little tiny braids. I wished my hair would do that.

“You're awake,” she said.

“I guess.”

My left leg felt really heavy, like I almost couldn't feel it, but I knew it was there because it hurt. And the left side of my head hurt, too.

“You might be about to wish you never woke up,” she said.

“Why? What do you mean?” I couldn't get my brain to work right. It wasn't clear.

“I mean, you are in quite a mess of trouble, girl. A great big old mess. I wouldn't want to trade places with you, that's what I'm saying. There were a couple of highway patrol guys in here waiting for you to wake up. I guess they're waiting to finish their report. They finally gave up. But they'll be back. Don't you worry.”