The Years After (41 page)

She kneeled before him, between his legs and he clasped her to his chest. Burying his face against her shoulder and neck, he rubbed her hair. His chest shook against hers. She started talking in soft, soothing chants, “Shh. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. We’ll figure this out…” On and on she soothed him. It didn’t matter what she said. Just that she did. He deserved that. He deserved another chance. He deserved a real chance to live, and not the terrifying nightmare he’d endured to date. Her heart broke and cracked, yet she was glad somehow, that he was so upset and so sorry. If he weren’t, she would have had to hate him. But now she knew there was no way he was faking it. There was no way he hadn’t been changed, or gotten hurt and nearly destroyed by his own actions. Actions that she really believed he wasn’t totally responsible for.

Her parents remained silent as she and Derek clutched each other for several minutes. He finally quit talking and so did she because he started to calm down. His arms clung tightly around her and his breathing started to regulate against her chest, and his shuddering ceased. Finally, after a long time, so long, she wasn’t sure even what day it was, being as emotionally wrought as she was, and he slid away from her.

She looked up at her mom, then over at her dad. Not necessarily seeking their permission, she hoped they would understand and forgive her if they didn’t approve. Cupping Derek’s face in her hands, she said, “I forgive you.”

Someday, she planned to get into it with him. She would hash out everything that happened and what ensued, but first, she needed to make sure he kept striving towards what appeared to be a better person. He was reaching higher now, and all because of what happened to her. And that was why she could forgive him. Besides, he needed her forgiveness more than she needed to hang on to being mad, or angry, or indignant, or hurt.

Closing his eyes, a deep shudder wracked his body. He started to speak, but she pressed her fingers to his lips. “Just listen to what I said.
Feel
what I said. You don’t have to talk me out of it. You don’t need to keep beating yourself up. You just need to hear me. And really listen to me. Accept it. Accept my forgiveness. I chose to give it to you. I decided whether or not you deserved it. And I think you do. So hear me and listen to what I’m saying.”

“I ruined your life.”

“But by forgiving you, I let my resentment go. My mom pointed it out to me. I could choose to think about what you did to me all the time, and let it keep hurting me. Or I could forgive you. Forgiving you is just letting go of past behavior that neither of us can change. And if I don’t forgive you, it will continue to hurt me now. However, forgiving you doesn’t mean I have to trust you. You’ll have to earn that back; but I do forgive you, Derek.”

He stared down at the carpet and hot, fat tears rolled down his face. The ensuing silence was almost more painful in that it seemed to exaggerate the quiet; but there were no words. No one had ever granted him anything in his life, not even forgiveness. She touched his neck with her fingertips. “You never stood a chance. You see that now, don’t you? And this is your chance. You can’t wallow in that gutter anymore. You have to accept it, and forgive yourself. Then you can figure out how to be better from this day forward. You’re already doing it: through the counseling, being sorry, trying to do the right thing. But you need more help. Lots of help. You have shitty judgment. So you should try to listen to our judgment.”

When Olivia looked up, her mother’s face glistened with tears. She mouthed, “I’m so proud of you.” That made Olivia tear up all over again, and even worse than before. She learned how to forgive from her mother. So she wasn’t all that profound. It took months of conversations, and a lot of work. But by forgiving Derek, and herself, she was already starting to feel better. The tight band of anger around her lungs was lessening. Her head and her heart started to relax. It wasn’t about condoning what he did, but rather, refusing to let his actions and mistakes ruin her present and her future. And maybe, she could even save his.

“But I might have killed him. I might have killed my own father.”

“And you might not have. We may never know for sure, as long as there is doubt. And don’t forget you were eight years old. No, you should not turn yourself in,” Olivia replied.

Tony spoke then, as he cleared his throat. “It’s time to forgive that little kid, too.”

Derek started to shake. Olivia held him to her chest and his head snuggled right below her chin as she tucked it almost between her breasts. There was not one thing sexual about her gesture. She was comforting the eight-year-old boy who’d been forced to do terrible things. He continued clutching her and basking in her understanding and forgiveness although he had no comprehension of what either of those concepts were.

Inhaling a trembling breath, he said, “He’ll kill me. Quentrell will kill me. I don’t know how to go after him. Now you’ve seen what a coward I am. It’s why I’ve always done exactly what he told me. I’ve always been terrified of him. But now, it’s not just me he can hurt. I’m worried about Olivia.”

“No one is going to kill you. That fear you’ve lived with your entire life? It’s over. It’s done. He will not kill you. I won’t let him. None of us will. And he won’t get near my daughter again, Derek. I’ll bury him first. So we’re clear.”

Derek gently pushed off Olivia and glanced around while wiping his face. “You just don’t know who you’re dealing with.”

“Neither does he,” Tony said softly. “He doesn’t know what he’s dealing with in me, or Will and Noah. He doesn’t know that it isn’t just you. Or that Max is out of danger. Max will no longer be held for ransom to keep you in line and kowtowing to him.”

Derek finally lifted up his eyes, which were bloodshot and wet still. His eyelashes were stuck together in clumps. Olivia leaned back to give him some space. He met her eyes, then Gretchen’s and finally Tony’s. “I’ve never had anyone stand by me before.”

Olivia shut her eyes as his words, so soft and so simple, gently flowed through her. She watched his pain, time and time again, as it manifested in actual, physical symptoms. It was so complicated that she didn’t know how to feel or react. She sympathized with his pain and isolation from being trapped by an older brother who threatened his physical well being from the age of eight years on. She didn’t know how to hate him, and wasn’t sure how to continue blaming him. She felt confused at not being able to hate him.

Her mom finally spoke to Derek. “I want to hate you. I want to not care about what led up to you entering my daughter’s life and lying to her. And pursuing her like a predator. I wanted to cast you as a heartless criminal who conspired to ruin her innocence and her life. You managed to do both, Derek. Just so we’re clear. I won’t easily let that part go. Your actions did that, and it can’t be minimized or forgotten.”

Derek kept his gaze on Gretchen’s. His eyes were wide and sad as he nodded vigorously with everything she said, taking it in fully. “I say this partly to punish you, and partly because you need to realize what you did before you can fully change your path. Hopefully, you will also improve your future actions and behavior. But the thing is: I really don’t think how you were was your fault. I don’t believe you’re the same kid sitting here today, not the same as you were even the first night I met you. I don’t think you’re playing us either. I think your pain and regret are as real as your hair color.”

“It is,” he agreed softly.

“I think you reached out to Olivia because there is something good in you. Honestly, it’s a testament to the human spirit you could survive the childhood you did. You seem to have a real heart inside you, and a real conscience. And, Derek, I think you might be a nice guy too. I think if you were born to an even remotely typical, caring family, you would have been that college freshman looking to date Olivia.”

His face crumpled again, but he kept nodding in agreement. Her mother’s eyes filled with tears. “You can’t imagine what it’s like to be the mother of a young girl who got kidnapped and overdosed her freshman year in college as revenge from a drug boss toward his own brother. A person who claimed to love my trusting daughter. You will never understand the strength it took for me to let you come anywhere near her again. Or to feel the compassion I now feel towards you. Because crazily, I do feel that. I think we all do, even when we try not to. So Derek, you have people in your life now who care about you. People who have expectations and standards. We will all be affected by your future actions and behavior. It involves serious responsibility. Are you willing to try and learn how to live up to that?” Gretchen inquired.

Olivia and Tony exchanged startled glances. They kind of shrugged at each other as they gazed at Gretchen with a new respect and awe. Listening to her mother, Olivia’s heart swelled with unconditional love. They were amazing. They were so compassionate. They practiced the stuff they preached to her all these years about how to be a good person.

Derek nodded. “I am willing to try. I don’t exactly know what to do. It seemed like turning myself in and finally taking my punishment was where I should start. So maybe you should take me and the gun to the police station. I’ll tell them everything. I swear. I’m done. With it all. I’d rather get shot than go back to the way I lived before. I can’t do it again. I don’t want to do it, and I don’t think I’m going to do it.”

“I went through too much growth and changing to learn to accept what Tony was doing for you, Derek. And to accept how my daughter feels about you. So no. We keep the gun. But we will go with you to discuss how you came to sell drugs for Quentrell. We’ll do everything in our power to keep you out of jail, because I truly believe that’s the last place that you should be. But if we can’t prevent it, don’t worry; no one will abandon you. We’ll be helping you no matter what happens.”

“I’ll accept whatever I deserve. But after that, what do I do?”

“Where do you want to live?”

Derek glanced around the room. “Don’t I have to stay away?”

“Yes, if we can’t find your brother. But if not? If we manage to get him arrested and sentenced to a prison term, no, you don’t have to leave the state then. You’re an adult, you know.”

He kind of straightened his back. “No, I don’t know. I’ve never had any real responsibility so I don’t know how to handle it.”

“Wherever you decide to live, you need to get a job. A normal, decent, full-time job, even if it’s shitty pay or bad hours or difficult tasks. A job is something you’ll be lucky to have, and a privilege to go to every single day. That’s the attitude you’ll need. We’ll find you decent housing and help you get set up somewhere safe. And then, just keep working on yourself. The counseling? Good. Very good, Derek. You have a lot more to work through.”

“And I promise you, I’ll stay away from Olivia,” Derek added after a long pause. Olivia kept her eyes down. She wasn’t sure if that was a requirement by her parents. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it if it were.

“That’s up to Olivia. She’s an adult too. No one can decide what she wants. We can only guide her, talk to her and support her,” Gretchen said, holding up a finger. “Unless, of course, we see any indication of physical harm toward her again. Then we’ll swoop in and prohibit anyone and anything from doing so. But I think you understand that now.”

Her head whipped up to stare first at her dad, and then at her mom, who smiled a soft, kind of sad smile. That was not what they wanted for her. She understood it on a gut level. All her plans and dreams and potential were derailed by the simple mistake of first love. The person she loved gave new meaning to the term,
screwed up
.

And yet, as Olivia shifted her gaze to Derek, she knew the feelings in her heart were an abundance of love. Love for a person who stared back at her with unmasked longing and love and regret. A person who was not worthy of her trust and emotional investment, but whom she knew wanted to earn both.

She wasn’t sure how she felt about that either.

“So, we go to the police? I guess I figured we were just going after Quentrell on our own.”

Tony shook his head. “I wish we could, kid. I wish I could send Will in there to screw him up and dispose of his remains, because Will could and would. But it’s not the right thing to do. And isn’t that what we’re demanding of you now? So we have to serve as good role models too. You don’t always get exactly what you want in life, or what is fair. But we can at least make this right.”

“Okay,” Derek said, shaking his shoulders and nodding his head as if he were mentally and physically gearing himself up. It was surprising to see how much his body language spoke. It revealed his uncertainty, unease, sadness, regret, but most of all, his fear. His fear of Quentrell and of Olivia’s family, and her, and what he’d done. “Okay, let’s do this the right way.”

Chapter Twenty-One

DEREK WAS STAYING IN the downstairs guest room again. He stared out at the familiar, quiet neighborhood view. He never expected to be here again. He lay in bed, long after the darkness of night fell, trying to make sense of what happened. How could he still be here? Still be alive even? He did so much to Olivia, and now he was practically hijacking her parents and her house. Was it all just so he’d feel better? If so, it was a shitty thing to do. Just like everything else he did.

Rolling over, he punched at the pillow to poof it up. The sheets smelled all clean and floral. Creature comforts and cleanliness he never experienced except when he was there. Every which way he turned, he observed testaments of how far from decent he was. He kind of suspected that, but never truly realized just how far away from civility he actually was.

He didn’t deserve to be there. He should have tiptoed out the front door. What would anyone have done about it? If he disappeared into Marsdale, no one, especially these upstanding people who weren’t even from Marsdale, could find him. He could completely disappear now that Max was well taken care of. The relief of that knowledge felt like an iron anvil being lifted off his body. He never realized how much it inhibited every decision he made. Max was far better off in Ellensburg than Derek ever was in his life. Derek was finally free. He could run. He could run for real this time. He could vanish and never come back.