There You Stand (13 page)

“I’m sorry,” I said, my heart squeezing. Now I understood why he was afraid to kiss me. He had paid a heavy price for wanting intimacy.

“Shit, Jude,” I said. “I’m not manipulating you. My feelings are real. Do you get that?”

“I believe you,” he said. “But I live in a different world where everybody gets what they want. Even the club. I’m just a pawn. And pawns and the people around them are dispensable. Do you understand?”

My throat closed up. “I get it now.”

“I’m sorry that you’re mixed up in all of this.”

“You’re only human, Jude,” I said. “You have needs just like anybody else.”

“I’ve tried staying away from you,” he said. “But all I could fantasize about is being with you. Allowing myself to have you for just one night.”

“Then let’s have one night.”

He stared deeply into my eyes and my heart went liquid.

“My mum would’ve liked you,” he whispered.

I smiled wishing we could have met under normal circumstances. Wishing that with all my fucking might. “What was your mom’s name?”

“Maya,” he said.

I lifted the corner of my lip in a sad little smile. “Your sister?”

“Judith.”

And then everything spliced together for me, like a vivid and concentrated thunderclap of lightning.

“Jude York isn’t your real name, is it?”

He thinned his lips and closed his eyes.

Then he revved his engine and gunned it out of the parking lot.

I followed behind Jude’s bike, my mind reeling. Of course you had to change your name when you went into witness protection. But Jude York had fit him so well, I couldn’t imagine calling him anything else.

Before I knew it we were already back on Clifton Street. When Jude stopped at a red light near the marina, I pulled up next to him to say good-bye before we parted ways. I had plenty to think about and I wanted him to know that I appreciated the effort he made to allow me a glimpse inside. To offer me the parts of himself he’d kept hidden.

“You like walleye?” he said, before I could get a word out.

I knew it was walleye season on the lake so I could only imagine that’s what he had caught earlier.

“Only had it once or twice,” I said. “Can be pricey in restaurants.”

“I’d love to cook for you,” he said. “Haven’t done that for anybody in a bloody long time.”

My pulse galloped in my veins. “I’d like that.”

“Drive around the block a few times, then pull in and park on the side of the garage.”

I drove straight through the light while he turned left. I could’ve just gone home. I could’ve just said fuck it, that I didn’t want any part of this. But I couldn’t deny the enormous draw I felt toward him. I wanted to be with him. Any way I could get him and for any amount of time.

I thought about the way Jude had said he wanted me for one night. Maybe that was the only thing I could offer him. Deep down I desperately wanted a night with him, too. So badly I could taste it.

I rode around for a good ten minutes before my bike found its way to Jude’s street as if it had a mind of its own.

When I pulled in back, Jude motioned for me to park inside the garage instead. Now my bike was completely concealed by the automatic door, which he had closed as soon as I had emerged from behind it.

As he held open the screen door, his gaze darted to the owner’s house up front as if we were being watched. “Is your landlord in on it, too?”

“They watch out for me, yeah.”

I looked behind me to their ornate back door. “They affiliated with the club, too?”

“Used to be,” he said. “C’mon inside.”

“I don’t get it,” I said stepping to his entryway. “What’s in it for the Disciples?”

“It’s a favor,” he said. “They’re trying to clean up old wrongs.”

“And the federal marshal will look the other way on some things?”

“Maybe,” he said. “Look, Cory, I invited you here because I am dying to spend time with you. But if you want to walk out this door right now I would completely understand. The choice is yours. Always.”

“I want to be here, Jude
.
” His fabricated name easily rolled off my tongue.

He blew out a breath. “Make yourself comfortable, I’ll grab you a beer.”

I looked around at the same worn brown couch and realized that for all the weeks I’d come to know Jude, we’d never done this—invited each other to hang out at our homes just for the enjoyment of it. Not because we never had the opportunity, but because Jude was always pushing me away.

It felt comfortable being here with him. But after all was said and done, it was sure to wreck me. Still, it would never destroy me completely. I’d already been shattered by the death of my first love. So the only thing I had to offer Jude was my patched-up heart that was sewn in jagged slivers.

Jude had his own misery, his own heartache, anyway. His scars were like stitches and seams that held all of that darkness inside of him.

I sat down on the couch, the same one I had been lying on the last time I was here with a busted-up foot.

“How has your back been feeling?” Jude asked, handing me a beer.

“Pretty good actually,” I said. “Thanks to you.”

“My mum used to say that aches and pains were physical manifestations of inner grief.”

“She sounds like Jessie,” I said, grinning because he’d shared even more with me. “I’m pretty sure that’s why she wants me to make an appointment at her mother’s holistic center.”

“Perhaps there’s something to it?”

I nodded. “Do your scars still hurt?”

“No. I made my peace with them a couple years ago.” I realized that Jude had an amazing inner strength and that the way that I’d been dealing with my emotional pain was immature in comparison. Keeping late hours, pretending to be upbeat, and holding the quiet at bay did little to help heal my still-fresh wounds.

“Pardon me,” he said, retreating from the room. “Let me get those filets under the broiler.”

“Do you cook for yourself often?” I raised my voice so he could hear me in the other room.

“I certainly try, yes,” he said. “My mum taught me. I’d often cook for her and my sister using eggs and milk from the farm. And nothing is as delicious as freshly caught fish.”

I took a peek into his kitchen and saw the filets unwrapped on the counter. “Did you scale the walleye yourself?”

“No. There’s a tent at the dock where they do it for you.”

I shrugged. “Never even noticed.” So that’s why there wasn’t a strong fish odor in his house. Thank God.

“Probably because you want nothing to do with fishing.”

“True,” I said, smiling. “But I’m not opposed to eating good food.”

I heard the oven door close and then Jude sat down next to me on the couch. We sipped our beers and though there was nervous energy between us, there was easiness there as well.

“I’d ask you for your real name,” I said, after tipping back my bottle. “But the one you have now suits you so well.”

“It’s my favorite of the bunch because it’s personal to me,” he said and my heart nearly stopped at that declaration. Just how many names had he had and places had he been? Did I even want to know? “I’ve never told anybody my real name. It would feel strange even saying it out loud. It seems like a life I lived so long ago.”

I felt my pulse spiking. Jude had been through so much in the last few years that I questioned whether any of this was real. I stood up, hoping I didn’t appear too unsteady on my feet. “Can I use your john?”

“First door on the left.”

I flipped on the light and locked myself inside. The first thing I noticed was that Jude was a tidy person. His sink wasn’t disgusting for a dude who lived on his own, and that made me smile. My heart was still beating erratically in my chest as I examined myself in the mirror.

My hair was tucked firmly beneath my knit cap and my pupils looked bloodshot because I hadn’t slept well these last few days. Jude’s most recent revelation had thrown me for a loop and suddenly I had to have a talk with myself about being here. I guess I pictured him in this same scenario in different cities across the country and wondered if spending time with me really meant the same thing to him that it did to me.

There was a light knock on the door. “You okay, Cory?”

That brought me right out of my head. He’d told me that this was different for him. That I was different. Deep down, I trusted that.

“Everything’s cool. Be right out.”

My eyes didn’t lie as they stared straight back at my reflection.

I wanted to be here. I couldn’t
not
be here.

Jude was setting a table for two when I returned from the bathroom. It was strange to see him so domesticated.
I could get used to this.
I immediately dismissed that thought.

“Can I help with anything?” I asked, my hip leaning against the counter.

“Nope, all set,” he said. “Hope you don’t mind that I made a simple salad to go with our walleye.”

“Perfect,” I said, eyeing the greens in a bowl in the center of the table. “I like to eat healthy.”

He regarded me closely as I sat down across from him. “Not surprised. You keep yourself pretty fit.”

I felt a blush creep up my face so I took a bite to distract myself. “This is amazing. Melts in your mouth.”

He lowered his head and blinked, evidently appreciating the compliment.

Once we finished eating, I helped clear the table, and we retreated once again to the living room.

“Want another beer?”

“Nah, I’m good.” He sat down next to me on the couch, his leg jiggling across his knee, his eyes avoiding my gaze. It was uncommon for him to have guests and I didn’t want him to feel any obligation to entertain me.
Or
be intimate with me.

Maybe I had overstayed my welcome.

“Listen Jude. I could be on my way—”

“It’s not that,” he said in a rush. “It’s just . . .”

His gaze darted to my lips and then down to my lap.

“Just say it,” I said. “No more secrets, we’ve said plenty tonight already.”

“I don’t . . .” He huffed out a breath. “I don’t want you to bugger off when you find out how inexperienced I might be.”

“What do you mean?” I said, my eyebrows slamming together. “I thought you said you’ve been with men before.”

“I . . . I have.”

“And that guy you fell for—”

“We mostly used our hands,” he said, color rising in his cheeks. “But he and I . . . we never . . . we never fucked.”

“Hey listen, that’s cool,” I said, trying to shake that image from my head. The idea of Jude’s hands being on anybody else made me see green. “I’m not trying to do anything other than spend time with you.”

“Thing is,” he said, biting his lip as desire radiated in his eyes. “I want to have sex, Cory. With
you
.”

I couldn’t help the soft groan that escaped my throat.

“But I don’t have any condoms or lube,” he said, shaking his head.

Fuck, I hadn’t even considered that. Besides, did I really believe I’d get this far with Jude?

I lifted his chin with my thumb. “I’m cool just talking or holding you, whatever you’re comfortable with.”

He stood up suddenly and his hand darted out for me to grab.

He led me down the hall and as soon as I spotted his bed, my heart climbed its way to my throat.

“I still want . . .” he said, backing me up against the door, his hip pinning mine in place. I liked this Jude—the same Jude I fantasized about dominating me, the same assertive voice he used on my table at Raw Ink and at the quarry. “I want you to touch me all over. To show me what it could be like to have something . . .”

“Jude—”

He placed his finger over my lips. “Don’t. I know what I want. And I want you. I don’t know if I’ve ever wanted somebody more.”

“Not even that guy who you said—”

“Not even close¸” he rumbled. “He was the first guy I ever actually felt something for. And if this situation between us were under different circumstances, I think I could . . . I could . . .”

I couldn’t bear to hear him say anything else. It was too damn much. “Jude, goddamn, we haven’t even . . .”

“You’re the only real thing in my life,” he whispered.

My heart stuttered in my chest. His brutal honesty humbled me.

He lowered his head, his mouth closing in on mine. All I could do was stare at how red and plump his lips were. The same lips I’d dreamt about too many times to count.

“Cory,” he said, planting his hands on either side of my head. He matched me size for size, so when he slid his leg between mine, I was totally lost to him. To his eyes and touch and scent.

My senses were on overload and I couldn’t handle much more. My pulse was roaring in my ears and heat was licking across my skin, so I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths.

I felt him move even nearer and his warm breath slinked across my lips. I remained motionless because goddamn, if he didn’t slant his mouth across mine anytime soon I might actually pass the fuck out from pure want and need.

I could’ve easily slid my fingers around his neck, yanked his mouth forward, and kissed him, but I wasn’t going to be a prick. He had his reasons for not wanting that intimacy, good ones I now knew, so I prayed he’d grant me that privilege soon.

I could feel the heat of his body as it buzzed over the tiny hairs on my arms, creating a shockwave. I didn’t know exactly what he’d done with other guys, but Christ, in that moment, I wanted to wipe the slate clean and have his only memories be of me.

I shuddered as his lips delicately fluttered across mine like a feather. My trembling fingers inched out and clenched his hip. His mouth brushed against mine again and I became hyperaware of the soft and smooth feel of his lips.

“Cory.” He recited my name like a delicate English ballad. God save the freaking queen.

“Open your eyes,” he murmured across my lips. “I need to see what you’re feeling when our mouths meet.”

I blinked my lids open, like a patient drifting out of a coma, that’s how much his words had seduced me.

He tilted his forehead against mine. “You are the sexiest man I’ve ever wanted to kiss.”

I groaned. “Fuck, Jude.”

He licked across my bottom lip and I hummed, angling my hips against his. My tongue darted out to taste his and he moaned so sensually that I almost came in my pants. Eyes pinned to each other, the tips of our tongues licked and skimmed, sampled and savored, until I gripped the back of Jude’s neck and his hot mouth sank down on mine.

He offered me several small kisses until I grasped at his waist and spun him around, hemming his shoulders to the wall.

The stubble on his chin was rough against my fingers as I tipped his face to mine. I angled my head and seized his mouth in an impassioned kiss. As my tongue breached his lips I was rewarded with a throaty and carnal groan. Everything about this man was sensual. From his eyes and lips to his hands and ass.

My fingers fisted his shirt as I pressed my body firmly against his. I could feel his dick slide against my groin as I straddled his leg and nipped at his lip. Jude opened wider for me and I slipped my tongue deeply inside his mouth.

Jude clutched my face as his tongue battled for dominance, exploring my teeth and gums and the roof of my mouth. By the time we came up for air, I didn’t know how many minutes had already passed. He drew his mouth away, his eyelids drooping, making him look as dazed as I felt.

“Damn, Cory,” he said, his voice thick. “You know how to kiss.”

I didn’t respond because we had already wasted too much time talking. I dragged my lips against his as I strapped him against the wall, my mouth plundering and devouring. We were all teeth, mouths, and tongues as we left bruising kisses across lips, necks, and ears and then fused our mouths back together again.

I couldn’t get enough and as I pulled back for air, his gaze seared and held. Then his lips gentled over mine, sweeping me up in the most passionate kiss.

His tongue set the slow and deep rhythm and he became like water moving across the sand. Never enough and then all too much. But I always wanted more. I needed him to be over me and then under me. Soaking into my skin and drenching my bones.

After several minutes more of soul-zapping kisses, I felt wrung dry.

“That mouth of yours,” I said, dragging my lips away to catch my breath. “I could kiss it all night.”

“Maybe you should,” he said against my ear.

My fingers circled his nape, my tongue invaded his mouth, and he moaned from deep in his throat.

Growling, I flipped him around and moved us toward the bed. I nudged him back with my hands on his shoulders and then knelt down in front of him.

His mouth returned to mine as my fingers raked over his chest, beneath his shirt, lifting it, trying to wrench it from his head. When I finally did, he threw it to the floor and my hands were all over him, exploring his gorgeously flat stomach and smooth chest.

His hands grasped my shoulders, his lips grazing my throat as my fingers descended with purpose to his back. I broke the kiss and gazed at him for silent permission.

With a nod, he gave it to me. I knelt on the bed, moving behind him, my fingers never leaving his skin. His head hung low and he was breathing heavily.

I began kissing him everywhere I could reach—the small of his back, the breadth of his spine, across his shoulders, to the remaining scars that had yet to be concealed.

My throat clogged with emotion over what he must’ve endured and now that he had given me most of the puzzle pieces, it was even more gut-wrenching to fathom.

“We need to finish this tattoo.”

He remained perfectly motionless, outside of his heaving chest, as he allowed me to pay reverence. I knew instantly that I had been given a gift and I wanted to cherish this night, this moment with him.

My lips moved to the back of his neck offering his a tender kiss. “You’re beautiful,” I whispered in his ear.

He stilled yet again and then turned to gaze to mine. In one ingenious move he had me fixed to the mattress and his mouth came down hard, tapping the air from my lungs. His kisses were long and deep and I was like an uncontained wildfire crackling and awakening for him.

I brought his hand to my mouth, suckling each finger, almost worshipfully. His fingers travelled to the bottom of my shirt and then slipped beneath, as he bit his lip and hummed. His hands were warm on my skin and it felt as he was touching me for the first time.

He lifted off my shirt and then marveled at my skin. He traced the outline of my shoulders, and then his thumbs circled my pecs. When his tongue darted out to swipe across my nipple it felt like electricity rippling through me.

“Oh fuck,” I said, my head rolling back. “Please.”

I didn’t even know what I was asking him, I just knew that I was desperate for him to touch me, taste me—I needed more. So much more.

His body arched over me, and his erection ground against mine, the denim between us an encumbrance. His tongue licked over my bottom lip while his fingers moved over my thighs.

I moaned into his mouth and mumbled, “Jude.”

My fingers grazed his stomach and my hand slid down to the erection in his pants as he shuddered out a breath.

“I want to see you,” he said, a growl erupting from the back of his throat. “All of you.”

I immediately tugged down my jeans and underwear, dropping them to the floor.

His gaze explored the entire landscape of my skin as I quivered and hungered to touch him.

“You do the same,” I said as I fisted my cock, trying to stave off my arousal.

After he took down his jeans, he knelt over me, allowing me to appreciate every inch of his body.

A shiver ran through him as I rubbed my erection against his, my fingers grasping at his ass. I just needed to feel him skin to skin. Cock to cock.

“I can’t help imagining what it would feel like to have you inside me,” he breathed against my shoulder.

“Fuck.” I tugged him down to lie next to me and my fingers lazily grazed his thigh.

“Pretty sure it will be as overwhelming as it is amazing,” I said, kissing his lips. “Are you a virgin, Jude?”

“No. I’ve been with a couple of girls. And with one guy after Mateo. I was on the road, pretty alone and scared.” He roughly shook his head as if to banish those memories. “I let him top me and . . . it feels like so long ago, I don’t even know if . . .”

He took a deep, drawn-out breath. “Thing is, even though I’d haven’t done much of anything, deep down I’ve always felt a greater emotional connection to men.”

Jude had experienced many things—had lived a dangerous life—but he’d barely shared intimacy with anybody. I wanted so much to give that to him. To experience that with him.

“Do you trust me?” I asked and I knew the answer would be huge for him. I realized now exactly why he hadn’t been able to depend on many people.

“Yes,” he said almost instantaneously and that made my chest loosen.

“If you ever let me have you . . . I’d take my time with you,” I said. “Let me show you. Let me make you feel good.”

I thoroughly kissed his lips and then my mouth feathered down his stomach as it quivered in my wake. My hand closed around his dick and he groaned, his fingers gripping my hair.

I licked along the length of his shaft, cherishing his smell and then swirling my tongue around his head. It was my first taste of him and I couldn’t help moaning.

“I never thought I’d get this chance,” I said.

I suckled his tip right before engulfing him, pumping him in and out of my mouth, tasting all of him, root to crown. He moaned and shifted his knees, tightly grasping my head while I dragged and twined my tongue, searching and savoring him.

My fingers glided down to his balls and I palmed them gently while he mumbled unintelligibly. But I didn’t want him to come yet. So I licked his head one last time and pulled back.

“Turn over for me,” I said softly and he did so without question. He had the sweetest ass and I couldn’t help kneading his firm skin. “I need to touch you.”

I kissed him between his shoulder blades and then dropped to the floor. My fingers slid down to his firm globes and I squeezed.

“Damn, I want to kiss you,” I said, parting his cheeks. “Right on your sexiest part. Has anyone else’s lips been here?”

“N . . . no.” His legs began quivering. “Oh . . . fuck.”

I would be his first and damn that was huge in its own way. “I think you’ll like it.”

He fisted the pillow, barely hanging on by a thread as my finger slid down his crease.

“Your ass is incredible.” My hand rounded his hip to grasp for his cock. “Get on your knees.”

He lifted up, and then bent his back, thrusting himself toward me. Jesus fuck he was hot. “Open your legs.”

He parted his thighs and I kissed each cheek before spreading them wide. I brushed my thumb over his hole and he flinched. He was so close and I wanted more than anything to blow his fucking mind.

I made sure my tongue was wet when I took my first taste. His knees nearly gave out. “Fucking hell, Cory.”

“Do you like that?” I asked taking another swipe with my tongue.

“Yes,” he whimpered. “Do it again. Please.”

No way I planned on stopping now. I slipped my tongue over his tight crease, gentle and forgiving and then with quicker and firmer stabs. I couldn’t get enough of him, so I added the tip of my finger.

“Breathe, baby.” I could tell it felt uncomfortable because he squirmed. “I know we don’t have any lube.”

His muscles relaxed and I was able to slip my finger all the way inside.

After a few more prods, his hips began moving in time with my thrusts.

“I want to have you so bad,” I growled, giving his cheek a gentle bite. “But I’ll just have to tongue fuck you for now.”

He panted openly as more come leaked from his cock.

I removed my finger and before he could protest the loss, I spread his cheeks wider and buried my face in his ass. I licked and probed and then made my tongue firm as I slowly pressed inside. He was so tight and just thinking about having my cock buried inside him like this made my dick agonizingly hard.

Jude’s head was lolling side to side as I continued my gentle onslaught and he was babbling my name.

“Goddamn, what are you doing to me?” he said. “I need to come so fucking bad.”

I replaced my tongue with a finger. I pushed deep inside and then curved upward. His groan became so sexy and guttural that I palmed my own cock and continued rubbing my finger against his prostate.

“Fuck,” he shouted and then quivered violently, shooting ribbons of come all over his sheets.

He sank down on the bed completely boneless and I rubbed his back, while I continued pumping my cock.

“Nothing’s ever felt like that before,” he said, gasping. “
Nothing
.”

Then his gaze slid to my hand fisting my dick. “Did that turn you on?”