Thin Love (14 page)

The nurse tossed the folder in her hand onto the front desk and kept her voice soft, but the bite in her tone held a warning. “I know you’re upset, but getting angry isn’t going to help.”

He stopped counting. He stopped breathing and Kona was seconds away from breaking his rules, the one that reminded him not to touch, to scream, to be something everyone expected he was: low, violent and primal.

“Look, I can’t help you, okay? All I know is that I went by to see my grandfather and found him on the floor.” When the nurse didn’t react, didn’t do much more than continue to frown at him, Kona closed his eyes, focused again on the lift of his chest, the air moving into his lungs. Not looking at her, he scrubbed his fingers over his face, trying to block out the woman’s glare and cocked eyebrow. “He’s got a condition. A-something…A…A…fuck, I don’t remember.”

“
Atrial fibrillation
?”

A new voice, a kind voice. A familiar voice. Kona turned toward that voice, trying to focus on the face, trying to make sense of why that particular voice was here in the swirl of all the details scattering his brain. Her smile was hesitant, but real, honest.

“Keira?”

He didn’t touch her. There were too much noise in this place, too many questions he didn’t have the answers to and more than anything he didn't want to be here, he didn't want this nightmare to be happening.

What is she doing here?

And then Keira shocked the hell out of him, and grounded him and kept him from spinning out of control. She stood at his side, her fingers threading between his, keeping the shake out of his hand, as she faced the scowling front desk nurse.

“Dr. Michaels is my stepdad. I’m pretty sure he went back there.” She was cool, calm and Kona could only watch her as she took control, talked to that nurse like an adult, like she had far more of a clue of what needed to be done than Kona ever would. “His mom teaches at CPU. History department. I’ll get her number and give it to you in a second.” Amazingly, the nurse smiled, barely glanced at Kona as she nodded.

Then Kona let Keira lead him back into the waiting room. She sat him down like a puppet master, making his knees bend, keeping his eyes away from the curtained area in the back where the paramedics had taken his tutu kane.

It took a minute for reality to settle in. An hour ago he was waiting on his grandfather, sipping a beer and watching the door at
the Maple Leaf
and then he was there, freaking out, sirens, fear, anger and…Keira.

He looked at her through his fingers, elbows on his knees. “What are you doing here?” he finally said when enough breaths had taken the rattle from his chest.

“Meeting my stepdad for lunch.” She was so calm. How could she be so damn calm? Kona knew he was staring. He knew she was probably wondering why his eyes moved over her face, why he was looking her like she was a miracle. Then finally, Keira nodded, a silent cue that she understood his reaction, that she didn’t think he was a freak. “Your grandfather?” At his chin dip, Keira leaned back against the chair and looked past the front desk. Her eyes were impossibly blue, bright and shining. “Well, my stepdad is supposed to be one of the best cardiologists in the city.”

“How did you know about that A-Fib thing?”

She smiled. “Doctors likes to talk shop at home. Mainly, I think my stepdad just likes hearing the sound of his own voice.” When Kona sat up, an unconscious fidget, Keira frowned at him, like she was worried, like she knew he wanted to dart back to the front desk and ask what the hell was going on. “This place sucks. This situation sucks, but you gotta be cool. But these people are good, they’re here to help. They’re just trying to get as much detail as they can so they know how to treat him.”

He could only offer her a small twist of his head, something vague, something flippant and then he looked toward that curtain, wondering what the silence meant.

Keira joined him, watching the back of that room, his quiet confidant waiting for whatever news would come. Without thinking, he leaned closer to her, liking the sweet brush of her hair on his hand and the way she didn’t move away from him when he needed someone close.

For just a moment, Kona wondered how they’d gotten there. When he left her dorm a few nights ago, he was pissed off at her. That night he hadn’t known how he’d manage the rest of their project without feeling stupid around her. He’d kissed her, thought she wanted what he did, thought he saw something working on her face, something that told him he could have her. But she didn’t want him. She thought he was dirty. She thought he was worthless. Kona’s pride had been bruised and he’d brushed off any thoughts about Keira as soon as he left her dorm. At least he tried to.

But sitting in the ER waiting room next to her didn’t feel awkward. It felt good. She had an effect on him that he couldn’t explain. He’d noticed it once before. The night that asshole tried robbing her. Kona had been seconds from letting the rage building overtake him, lash out until there would have been no return from the violence that begged to escape. But Keira stopped him. Keira settled him, just like minutes before. He wasn’t sure what that meant. He wasn’t sure he wanted it to mean anything at all.

“Give me your mom’s number and the nurse will call her.”

Kona was on autopilot. His Nokia was in her hands and he barely blinked. He didn’t care that Keira would see his contacts. He didn’t care that she could read his messages. He just wanted her to keep him calm. And as Keira scrolled through his phone, as she walked to the front desk and gave the nurse his numbers, Kona thought autopilot was a good place to be.

The coffee looked like piss.

There was something floating on the surface. It could have been sugar. Maybe a bug, but Kona kept staring at it, wondering idly how anyone could make coffee look like piss.

“Even people that don’t drink coffee, have it at hospitals.” Keira leaned over his shoulder and squinted at the cup in Kona’s hand. “Except that shit,” she said, taking it out his hands. “Yeah.
No.
You aren’t drinking that.”

“How long you think it’s been in there?”

The silver coffee pot had a film over the base; a gooey, burnt mess that sizzled when the machine kicked on. It smelled worse than the coffee pouring from it and Keira’s nose bunched up when the red indicator light beeped.

“Since Arthur was just a twitch in Uther’s shorts.”

Kona laughed. The sound surprised him, took the edge off what seemed like days as he and Keira had been waiting to hear from Dr. Michaels. It was the first time his head wasn’t consumed with thoughts of his tutu kane and he looked at Keira, at that disgusted scowl bending her mouth, and he felt grateful.

“Wildcat, you are such a dork.” She shrugged, not bothered by his insult and made for the lobby before Kona grabbed her wrist. “Thanks. You know…” he nodded toward the waiting room and felt stupid, felt raw as he tried to get her to catch his meaning.

“It’s no big deal.”

“It is.” He moved her out of the way of a cleaning woman loaded down with a roll of plastic trash bags heading toward the trashcan next to that stinking coffee pot. He didn’t let go of her arm until they were next to an empty row of chairs. “You calmed me down.” For what could have been the thousandth time, Kona looked behind the windows of the ICU, distracted by the traffic of nurses and orderlies that were still moving in and out from behind the curtain drawn around his grandfather’s bed. But Keira seemed to know when he was worried, when the quiet bustle of whatever was being done to his grandfather had Kona slipping close to the edge of panic.

She touched his arm, tugging his sleeve to direct into a seat. “I’m good in a panic.”

“Shit, I’m not.”

“I can tell.”

When Kona saw Dr. Michaels slip open the curtain and whisper something to a nurse, he stood up, arms squeezed tight across his chest and Keira was next to him; her shoulder bumping his arm. Just then, if he wanted to touch her, he knew she would fit perfectly underneath him. His chin on her head, her small body against his chest, set like a puzzle.

“Steven really is one of the best.” Her voice chased the thoughts of her against him from his mind. “Your grandpa is in good hands.”

Dr. Michaels offered him glance and Kona thought he might come out with an update, but the doctor only looked at Keira, gave her a nod and then disappeared behind the curtain. It wasn’t until Kona saw the small ripple of the floral curtain move closed that he returned to his seat with Keira at his side.

“He was unconscious when I found him.” Kona stretched out his long legs, brushed his feet against Keira’s before his elbows moved to his knees. “He was supposed to meet me at the Maple Leaf. Rebirth was playing and he likes the trumpets.” Kona’s words moved automatically, each recall scarier than the next, but his voice was distant and to him, weak. “He didn’t show and I got worried.” He didn’t react when Keira fit her fingers between his. He liked how natural they felt against his, how the slide of her soft skin sent a small vibration into his knuckles. “If I’d picked him up—”

“Kona, don’t do that shit. Seriously.”

“I’m just sayin.”

“Yeah and it won’t help. You’ll work yourself up with all the ‘If Only’ crap. Trust me, I know.”

He looked at her, eyebrow raised. There was something on Keira’s face; some weird expression that Kona didn’t know how to read. She was looking for something, asking a question Kona wasn’t sure he wanted to answer, but Keira wasn’t a coward, that much he’s learned about her. And then, that curious expression shifted, the uncertainty replaced by decision.

“I was supposed to be with my dad the night he died.” Her voice was a whisper, barely lifting between her wet lips. Keira watched the floor, eyes steady without a single blink and Kona understood this was her helping. That bare look leveled him, kept his gaze on the slow movement of her mouth. “He wanted to take me to Biloxi for the weekend, but Leann had tickets to Babyface.” Kona couldn’t help but laugh, it slipped out and he thought he’d missed his chance, that she would retreat. He relaxed when Keira’s smile widened to dent her cheeks. “Don’t give me that look. ‘Whip Appeal’
was the truth when I was ten.”

Kona liked Keira’s smile. He liked her relaxed, but he knew she’d been heading toward something, moving close to an admission that would fill in the pieces she always kept from everyone. The time at the hospital had them both bare, exposed and Kona took a leap, wanting her with him, honest, just as raw as he was.

“How’d he die?”

Her shoulders fell as she released what was left of her indecision. She didn’t trust him, he knew that. They were barely classmates, but this was life, this moment when death lingered, when emotions are heightened by fear, by the worry that tomorrow would irretrievably change life as you know it.

“Bloody.” The word came out behind a long breath.

Kona was caught in her stare, in that steely way she challenged him, told him he was skirting too close to what she wanted to keep to herself. But he still moved his arm behind her shoulder on the seat. It was all he could do. Even when he was weak, even when he thought she could be a tether to what little grip of sanity he was clinging to, Kona wanted to shield her from the pain that her father’s death still caused.

Keira didn’t brush his arm away, she didn’t reject the small, useless comfort he offered, but she did sigh, did rub her neck as though she didn’t like remembering that day. “He took the easy way out, Kona. He was sick and couldn’t face it. I told you, I don’t like to talk about it.” He didn’t push. He didn’t want to do anything that would have her retreating again. He didn’t want her walking away, so he nodded, looked up at the ceiling and tried to ignore Dr. Michaels slipping out behind that curtain.

“So I went to see Babyface with Leann and I spent years beating myself up, telling myself that if I’d just spent the weekend with him, maybe he would still be here, like a ten year old has any freaking idea how to handle that shit.” Eyes back to her, Kona kept his gaze on those quickly moving lips. “The point is, what happens, happens the way it’s supposed to, when it’s supposed to and unless you got your medical degree in high school, there wouldn’t have been anything you could have done. We all get to where we are the way we’re supposed to.”

Kona didn’t know if he agreed with her. Maybe he would tomorrow. Maybe he never would, but Keira had a way, small gestures that made her seem so confident, convinced that whatever she said was fact. “So you’re saying everything happens for a reason?”

“Yeah, but I like my way better.”

Dr. Michaels moved out to the nurses’ station, starting scribbling something into a chart and Kona straightened in his seat, ready to move if the man continued to ignore him. But again, Keira deflected his anxiety, mimicked Kona with her elbows on her knees and her body inching closer to his.

He took a breath, started his countdown again when the doctor retreated back into the ICU, but Keira’s wrist in the dip of his elbow made him stop. She didn’t sit back, didn’t make that touch something brief, something only done to pacify him.