ThinandBeautiful.com (20 page)

May 10

“Hey.” I looked up and saw Marina standing in my doorway.

“Hey,” I said, stretching my arms out over my head and trying to work the kinks out of my neck. It was, like, 7:30 in the morning. Pretty early for company, although I was up and dressed already. I hadn't really slept in since I came here. Not enough to do during the day and too much time to sleep.

“You had breakfast yet?”

“Breakfast? What do you mean?” I knew what breakfast was. It's just that I wasn't really into the whole eating bit. I mean, I was taking in my minimum calorie requirement to keep them happy so they wouldn't think I was uncooperative or whatever, but I never went to the cafeteria.

“Yeah, breakfast. They do serve it down the hall, you know. Some people actually sit together and have this thing called a meal here. You are on the group schedule now so you really should be coming down. Keeps them happy.”

“Oh, right.” I actually did know that. I forgot that not everyone was in their little room, sipping protein and choking down disgusting food that was supposed to be healthy. That was just for the individualized people who were too antisocial and difficult to be with the whole gang. I guess that was changing. I wondered for a second if that meant I might be changing a little too.

“Yeah, it's kind of nice. You get to, like, chew and everything.” She looked like she was kind of challenging me to say no. But I had to say no because I wasn't ready to sit in a whole room of people and talk to them about nothing and have them judge me every time I put a morsel of food in my mouth. Marina, who was apparently as psychic as Annie, seemed to read my thoughts.

“Everyone in there has been through their own problems – not that I'm saying you have a problem or anything.” She smiled and held her hands out as if warding me off. “But they are all working through stuff of their own, that's why they're here. No one's watching you and no one cares if you eat or not. I thought you might just like to get out of this room for a while and see some human life. You can just have a glass of juice … or even water.” I swear she could see me mentally calculating the calories in orange juice before she tacked on that last suggestion. Maybe she did it too. I took a deep breath and thought for a second. I had actually fixed myself up a little today. I had slightly less ratty sweats on and I had tried to tame my hair a little. I had shoes and socks on like a real person. Not that I was hoping to see anyone in particular or anything.

“It's OK, I'll take care of you,” she said, laughing at my
indecision, which was the right thing to do because it instantly made it seem like less of a big deal.

“Gee, thanks. I feel so relieved.” My sarcasm, as usual, was lost on her as she just grinned and headed off down the hall, sure that I would follow. Of course, I did.

The room she took me to was across from the sunroom where the group sessions had been. I hadn't even known it was there. Well, I had probably seen it when they did the tour routine on my first day but I wasn't paying close attention at the time because I was too busy looking for exits. It was a pretty nice room, painted a soft green that made you feel a little like spring was peeking in. There were lots of plants scattered around and a few chairs and couches, in what my mother calls earth tones, against the walls. Actually, my mom would have loved this room. There were several tables in the middle of the room. I was relieved to see that they were fairly small. I had been afraid that we all had to sit together cafeteria style. As it turned out, Marina and I found a table with only one other person at it. There was a longer table over by one wall that had a bunch of food on it. I didn't go over but I could kind of see plates of different things, like eggs, fruit, something that looked like toast, and jugs of juice.

I tried not to stare at the other girls eating but I managed a few glances. I say other girls, because Wolf wasn't anywhere in sight. I felt a twinge of something – like a combination of disappointment and relief. I wasn't so sure I could really keep him interested in me in a room this full of girls and I wasn't really ready to find that out!

“So, I'm going to grab some food. You want me to get you a drink?” Marina asked. She seemed to know that I wasn't ready to look at all that food. I nodded gratefully. I figured I could just sip really, really slow so I wouldn't look like a total dweeb sitting there with nothing in front of me.

“So, hi. I'm Sherry.” The girl at the table was smiling shyly at me. She was pretty, with long brown hair and big green eyes. I didn't think she looked particularly sick either. Then again, no one in here looked all that off to me. Everyone was pretty slim and all, but so what?

“I'm Madison.”

“That's a pretty name. I love your hair. Mine is always so straight and won't keep a curl at all.”

“Oh, thanks. I always wanted straight hair. I can only remember one time a bunch of girls managed to straighten it for me and it stayed that way for about three minutes.” We both laughed, much to my astonishment. I was having a normal conversation! About hair! In this place!

“I see you two have met.” Marina sat down with a plate of what looked like scrambled eggs and some melon pieces. She put a small glass of orange juice in front of me. I looked at Sherry to see if she would notice that I wasn't eating but she didn't seem too worried about me.

“Yes, I was just telling Madison that I love her curly hair,” Sherry said graciously.

“Yeah? I never noticed. It's very lovely, Madison,” Marina said, just slightly emphasizing my full name. I stuck my tongue out at her.

“Well, it was very nice meeting you, Madison, but I have
to go. I hope I see you around sometimes. It can get kind of lonely around here.”

“Sure. I'll see you,” I answered. I looked at Marina. “You seem to chase people away on a regular basis.”

“Yeah, it's one of my many gifts.”

“Sherry seemed pretty nice and normal.”

Marina raised her eyebrows at me as she ate some eggs. “Most of us are pretty nice and normal.” I tried not to stare at her while she chewed. I wondered if she was counting the calories in every bite like I did or if she did things differently than me. I didn't ask because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't answer me anyway. I took a small sip of my juice.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound all judgmental. I just meant that, well, they put us all here for a reason.”

“Rumor has it that not everyone got “put” here. Some people actually volunteered to be here.”

“Did
you
come here on purpose?”

“I didn't say that. I'm just saying that some people are looking for the help. Some people figure they're lucky to get into a private place like this. Not everyone can and there aren't too many free treatment centers around, so there are big waiting lists.”

“You're kidding me. People are lining up to get in these places?” That was like lining up to get into the morgue!

“Not exactly lining up. But eating disorders are a big problem these days and more people are realizing that they want to get some help.”

I looked at her in total astonishment. “You think you have an eating disorder?” Marina was so cool and sure of herself.

I'm not sure what I thought she was doing here but it hadn't really occurred to me that she had a reason of her own …
the
reason. Of course, not much had occurred to me because I hadn't really thought about it. I'd been too wrapped up in me. Not cool. Might be time to think outside of my own little box.

“Well, this would be kind of a stupid place to hang out if I didn't. Anyway, I've got to go. Talk to you later.” She took her plates over to a table that had bins on it for dirty dishes. She had a habit of walking away just when things were getting interesting. I thought about following her just to see where she went, but I suspected that she would catch me in that act and blow me off for life.

As I put my lone little glass into the bins, I realized that I forgotten to talk to her about Wolf. I guess I was going to have to figure out this one by myself. Unless I could figure out a way to get to the Internet, which I hadn't managed to do yet. I wondered for the millionth time what the girls were thinking about me and whether they had given up on me or not.

After the whole Suzanne-and-Jesse-in-the-library fiasco, I basically swore off people at school. I couldn't be bothered playing the game anymore. It made me tired. Actually, if I was being honest, most things made me tired. I had to make myself do my exercises. I worked out first thing every morning and then again just before bed. I had to be quiet about it, because, as unbelievable as this may sound, my parents didn't seem to approve of me working out. It was bad enough that they were all bent about my eating habits but they started making little comments about my exercising too. Not like a big argument deal or anything. More like, “Do you really need to do quite so many crunches, dear?” It irritated me, so I just started working out in my room or down in the basement if no one was there. I ran late at night so no one would bug me. I could not figure these people out at all. Most parents were all moaning and groaning because their kids spend all of their time in front of the TV or computer and were getting obese and stuff. My parents had it made with me, and still complained. Maybe
part of being a parent is needing to have something to gripe about so that you fit in with the other parents. Just like being in high school. Maybe people never stopped having to find ways to fit in.

So, I just kept to myself at home and mostly kept to myself at school. Annie and I weren't exactly talking but we weren't completely not talking either.

By midterm, I had my life into a pretty solid pattern. I got up, worked out, went to school, tried to concentrate and get some work done, spent lunch in the library, went to classes, tried to concentrate, went home, ate some supper to keep my family happy, did some homework to keep my teachers happy, worked out to keep my body happy, went on the computer and chatted with my real friends to keep me happy, then did one last workout and crashed. Got up the next day and did it all again. It worked fine for me and I didn't see any problems with it. That is, until midterm reports came out.

“Maddie, what are you doing? You have to get that signed!” It was Annie's voice and she sounded kind of shocked. I didn't know why. All I was doing was ripping up my report card and throwing it piece by piece into the garbage can outside the front doors of the school.

“No one is going to see this. Garbage goes where it belongs. In the garbage can.” I threw the last few pieces and wiped my hands as if the paper had made them dirty. My breathing felt heavy, as if I had just run ten times around the track.

“What's wrong?” Annie asked. She really sounded worried, which was weird because we weren't really everyday friends anymore.

“Not that you probably actually care, but what's wrong is that I got a seventy-three average. Seventy-freaking-three!” I stomped down the steps so she wouldn't see that my stupid eyes were tearing up. She followed me, though, almost running to catch up.

“Maddie, there's nothing wrong with a seventy-three. Lots of people would be perfectly happy with it.”

“Yeah, well, I'm not lots of people. I've never got anything less than eighty before, as you well know. I can't believe this happened to me!”

“It didn't just happen. You've had a rough term. You've been tired and …”

“What do you know about my term? You've barely talked to me. It's like you think I did something wrong when you're the one who talked behind my back to Taylor!”

“Maddie, that happened last year. It's history.”

“If it's history, why are you avoiding me now? And don't say you're not because you are.”

“OK, you're right. I have been avoiding you, but no more than you have been doing it to me. I do stay away from you these days. It's too hard to be with you even if you did want me around, which you don't. I get upset when I'm around you and I don't want to fight with you so I just stay away.”

“You get upset, do you? Why, I'd like to know? I didn't do anything to you. Is this all because I hung out with Suzanne for a while last year?”

“No, it's nothing to do with Suzanne or anyone else. It's you, Madison. I can't stand to watch you do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“This. What you're doing right now. Freaking out about some stupid report card and not figuring out that your marks are dropping because you're exhausted all of the time. Starving yourself until you look like you're dying. Whenever I do talk to you, all you talk about is food and weight and then you don't eat anything at all and you just keep getting worse and worse!” Annie put her hand over her mouth as if she wanted to stop any more words from spewing out.

“Getting worse. What do you mean worse. Worse than what?” I really wanted to hear this.

“Just stop it, Madison!” Not-so-cool Annie was yelling now. I couldn't believe my ears. What was her problem?

“Stop what?” I yelled back, just because I felt like it.

“Can't you see what you're doing? Can't you see how you're hurting yourself? Or if you don't care about yourself, can't you try to see how you're hurting me and your parents and everyone else who cares about you? Or are you so wrapped up in your selfish obsession with your skinny body that you don't care who else you hurt?”

“Selfish? How am I selfish? I never did anything to anyone!” I couldn't believe her! Who did she think she was, anyway?

“You really believe that, don't you?” Annie's voice was quiet again but she sounded like she was going to cry. I didn't care if she cried or not. She didn't have any right to criticize me. She looked at me and wiped at her eyes. “You really don't see it. You can't see that your mom and dad are worried sick about you and that everyone at school looks at you and wonders what's going to happen to you. You can't see that my heart feels sick every time I look at you and see you get thinner and more
distant and less happy. You just don't see. And I don't know how to help you. I care about you, Maddie. I want to be your friend. I thought we were the forever kind, like two dragons, you know? But I can't do it. I can't hang around and watch you do this. I can't. I just can't.”