Things I Want to Say (32 page)

“Bar-bet.” He pressed his lips together to shape the
B.
Better that time. “Bor-ba.” The name of the province he’d need to visit. “Ma-pi-a.” The river where he’d be most likely to spot the barbet. The syllables were clumsy on his tongue. He repeated them over and over, mumbling to himself, trying to make the sounds as clear as he heard them in his head.

He fell asleep in a few moments, exhausted, birds darting through his dreams, elusive and always just beyond recognition.

Determined to force Del to do
something
to help her and his father, Karen knocked on his door one hot early July
morning. As soon as he opened the door, she said, “The yard needs mowing. When can you do it?”

He looked over her shoulder at the over grown yard and rubbed his chin. “It doesn’t look that bad to me.”

“Del, it’s up past my ankles. And it looks terrible.”

He shook his head. “Nobody around here really cares. The neighbors haven’t complained.”

“
I
care. I’m asking you to please mow it.”

He sighed, the sound of a greatly burdened man. “All right, sis. I’ll get around to it as soon as I can.”

“That’s not good enough, Del. I want you to do it today.” Even as she listened to herself talk, part of her realized the unreasonableness of her request. Why should Del do anything she asked? Why should he try to please her now when he never had before?

But she couldn’t stop herself from trying to berate him into be having—just once—in the manner she thought he ought to behave. She wanted him to be the thoughtful, helpful brother she needed him to be right now. If he wouldn’t do it voluntarily, then she would do her best to nag him into it.

“Can’t. I’ve got plans.”

“Then change them.”

He stood back a little and looked her up and down. “Your problem, sis, is that you’re too uptight. You need to learn to relax and go with the flow.”

“Uh-huh. And while I’m relaxing, who’s going to do all the work that needs doing around here?” How many times had she said that before—begging the boys to clean their rooms or nagging Tom into catching up on his share of the paper work at the office.

“Maybe some of it won’t get done.” He shrugged. “It won’t be the end of the world.” He stood up straighter. “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t I take you out Saturday night? Casey
can look after Dad for a few hours. Take your mind off your worries for a while.”

A night out with Del? “Where would you take me?”

“Oh, you know. Just around.”

She shook her head. “I don’t think so.”

“Why not? Are you afraid you might have a good time for a change?”

She flinched at this dig. “No, that’s not it. I just don’t think your idea of fun and mine are the same.”

“You know what they say—when in Rome… I think you’re scared you might find out the two of us aren’t so different after all—that you’re not as smart and sophisticated as you like to pretend, and that I’m not the dumb hick you make me out to be.”

Ouch!
He made her sound so snobby. “I’ve never thought you were dumb.” Lazy, immoral, dishonest and sneaky, but never dumb.

“Then I dare you to go out with me. Just once. Don’t be afraid to have a good time.” He winked. “You might even find out I’m not so bad after all.”

His smile made her remember the Del who had been her child hood playmate, the one who had always been able to make her laugh—the one she still loved. Maybe this was his way of ex tending an olive branch, offering them the chance to be friends again. “If I go out with you, will you mow the lawn?”

“You bet. First free day I get.”

It wasn’t the answer she wanted, but she sensed it was the best she was going to get. “All right,” she said. “I’ll go out with you.” Who knows, she might enjoy herself. Or even learn to enjoy her brother again.

The interior of Del’s truck reminded Karen of a frat house she’d visited once, with the same crushed beer cans and pizza boxes on the floor boards, the same odor of stale pot clinging to the upholstery and—she could have sworn—the same black silk thong hanging from the rearview mirror.

She stepped gingerly over the trash and settled into the seat. “Don’t you ever clean this thing?”

“I was in a hurry.” He leaned across her and swept all the garbage out into the yard.

“Del, you can’t just leave all that trash lying there.”

“I’ll get it when we get home.”

She frowned, knowing he’d never remember. Which meant she’d be out there in the morning, cursing him for being a slob.

She took a deep breath and leaned back in the seat. She’d promised herself she wasn’t going to get into a fight with her brother tonight. She was going to take his advice, relax and have a good time.

“Where are we going?” she asked as she pulled on the too-tight safety belt that had her pinned in her seat. “Some where you wouldn’t be caught dead in by yourself,
that’s for sure.” The head lights of oncoming cars illuminated his face. He was grinning, the look of the bratty little brother who’d just put a frog in his sister’s bed.

Actually, it had been a lizard, which had remained hidden until ten-year-old Karen switched off the light and crawled into bed. Five minutes later she stood in the middle of the bedroom, screaming at the top of her lungs while the lizard clung to her long brown hair like a kid on a wild carnival ride. Del stood outside her door, bent double with laughter, while her father bellowed at them to all be quiet and her mother chided Karen for being hysterical.

She liked to think she’d grown out of that kind of hysteria. If this evening proved to be the adult version of the lizard-in-the-bed, she’d get through it without losing her cool. And when she got back to the house, she’d start plotting her revenge.

“How’s the dog?” Del asked.

“The dog is fine.” Somehow, Sadie had found a soft spot in Karen’s heart. Whether it was the dog’s liquid brown eyes, or her habit of resting in the evenings with her head against Karen’s feet as Karen watched television, or Sadie’s obvious adoration of Casey, Karen no longer thought of her as a dirty beast to be tolerated, but as another part of the household, like Mary Elisabeth or Lola.

“I knew she’d grow on you. Dogs have a way of doing that.”

“Then why don’t you have one?” she asked.

“I did. A chihuahua named Max.” He laughed. “Can you believe that—me with a little nothing of a dog like that?”

“What happened to him?” she asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“Sheila took him with her when she split. Said she didn’t trust me to look after him.”

Karen made a snorting sound. She’d always known Sheila had good sense.

Del switched on the radio and the plaintive voice of a country singer moaned about his sorry lot in life. Karen looked out the side window of the pickup, at the seedy taverns and ram shackle houses that dotted the roadside, each one illuminated in the rosy glow of a mercury vapor light, like tawdry jewels on display. “I never should have let you talk me into this,” she said.

“But you did. Couldn’t hardly believe it myself. Now relax. If you let yourself you might even have fun tonight.”

“I don’t want to have fun.”

He chuckled. “There’s your problem in a nutshell.”

He, on the other hand, never wanted anything but fun.

He turned off the road into a gravel parking lot. Karen stared at the sprawling, squat-roofed building before them. The Bait Shop, pro claimed the red neon sign over the door.

“I would have thought this place would have burned down by now,” she said as Del shut off the engine.

“Nah, it’ll be here when your grand kids are looking for a place to party.”

She followed him across the gravel lot. Local lore held that the original owner of the bar had named it so that local husbands could go out drinking while truth fully telling their wives they were headed to the bait shop.

Gleaming Harleys and dented pickup trucks crowded the small parking area. Inside, most of the light was provided by a dozen or more neon beer signs. Cigarette smoke fogged the air, and the clack of pool balls provided a staccato counter part to Aerosmith on the jukebox.

“Don’t wrinkle your nose that way,” Del said. “It’s unattractive.” He grabbed her elbow and pulled her toward the back of the bar. “Come on, let’s play some pool.”

They found an empty table. Del fed in three quarters and began racking up the balls while Karen selected a cue.

“Hey, Del, who’s your new honey?” A short man
with the most freckles Karen had ever seen came up to them.

“Lay off, Eddie. This is my sister, Karen.”

Eddie sobered and tugged on the brim of his gimme cap. “Nice to meet you, Miss Karen.” He grinned. “Never would have thought an ugly old cuss like Del would have such a pretty sister.”

She flushed in spite of herself. Of course, Eddie was spouting hot air, but it had been a long time since a man had told her she was pretty.

“Pay attention, sis. It’s your shot.”

She bent over the table, trying to remember everything she’d learned as a teen, in the hours spent wielding a pool cue in the back room of the convenience store/bar a few blocks from the house. She aimed care fully, and missed.

“Out of practice, are you?” Del moved to make his next shot.

Eddie was still standing there, staring at her in a way she found unnerving. “How do you know my brother?” she asked.

“Eddie works for me at the oil-change shop,” Del said, moving around to make another shot.

Eddie nodded. “Been there a year now. Best job I ever had.”

It dawned on Karen that Eddie was what they used to refer to as
slow.
Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. “That’s nice. So Del’s a good boss to work for?”

Eddie’s grin broadened. “The best. A few months back, my trailer was broke into and the thieves made off with my television and stereo and everything. Wouldn’t have been so bad, but my wife was seven months pregnant and the doctor had put her on bed rest. Watching TV was the only entertainment she had. Next thing I know, Del’s over there hooking up a fancy thirty-inch color television. Said it was an extra one he had around the house and he wanted us to have it.”

Karen glanced at her brother, who was at the opposite end of the table, frowning at a difficult shot. “Del did that?”

“Yeah. And come to find out, it wasn’t no spare set at all. It was his own television.” Eddie’s voice wavered and he looked at the floor and cleared his throat. “I never had nobody do nothing like that for me before.”

“Don’t pay attention to him, sis. He exaggerates.” Del clapped Eddie on the shoulder. “Why don’t you go ask the waitress to bring us some beer.”

When Eddie had left them, Karen turned to Del. “Did you really do that? Did you give him your TV?”

He shrugged. “It’s not like I’m home much to watch it, anyway. And I did have a little set in the bedroom until Sheila split and took it with her.” He nudged her arm. “Now go on, make your next shot.”

She managed to sink two balls in a row before missing one. Eddie returned with three beers and handed one to each of them. “Thanks,” she said.

Two more men, Troy and Frank, joined them. They’d been friends with Del since high school, and it surprised her a little to see the gawky teens she remembered grown up into muscular men. “Nice to see you, Karen,” Frank said, nodding to her. “Del says you’ve been working hard, looking after your dad.”

She still found it hard to believe Del had been saying nice things about her to his friends. She certainly never went out of her way to speak highly of him.

More people came in, all hailing Del, clapping him on the back, offering to buy him a beer. Karen would have said he was the most popular man in the place. But why? What was it about him that made people like him so? And what did it say about her that she couldn’t see it?

She had her back to the main bar, focusing on making her next shot, when a woman’s voice cut through the jumble of conversation around her. “Delwood Engel, does that floozy
you’ve been sleeping with know you’ve got anew one on the side?”

Karen straightened and turned to see Sheila, the former Mrs. Delwood Engel, headed toward them, fire in her eyes. The crowd around them pulled back like a receding tide, leaving Del and Karen alone under the pool table light.

“You need to have your eyes checked, Sheila,” Del drawled. He picked up a square of chalk and began chalking his pool cue. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten my sister, Karen.”

Sheila stopped short, and stared at Karen. Then a smile broke across her face and she held her arms wide. “Karen! Hon, it’s so good to see you.” She surrounded Karen in a crushing hug, then drew back to look at her again. “I knew you were in town but I never dreamed I’d find you here with that skunk of a brother of yours.”

“Del talked me into taking a night off,” she said weakly. “Casey’s watching Dad.”

“How’s that little boy of yours doing?” Sheila asked. “Although I guess he’s not that little anymore, is he?”

“He’s sixteen and six feet tall,” Karen said.

“I wish I could see him. Tell him his aunt Sheila said hello.” She kept one arm around Karen and turned her away from the pool table. “Let’s find a spot to sit and visit a little.”

Karen always had liked Sheila. And the chance to hear her side of her split with Del was too tempting to pass up. She turned and handed her pool cue to Eddie. “Take over for me, will you?” she said. “I’m not very good at this anyway.”

Sheila led her to an empty booth within sight of the pool tables, but far enough away they wouldn’t be heard. “So tell me what you’ve been up to,” she said. “How’s your dad? And Tom and the boys?”

“They’re all good. Well, Dad’s been better, but he’s recovering. Making progress every day.”

“You know if there’s anything at all I can do, I will. I felt
terrible about not getting over there to the house as soon as I heard, but my lawyer told me until the divorce is final, it’d be best to keep my distance.”

“So it’s not final yet?” Karen asked.

“We finally have the court date, in a couple of weeks.” She fished in her purse and took out a pack of cigarettes. “Mind if I smoke?”

Karen shook her head. Sheila shook out a cigarette and lit it from a red lighter that matched the red of her long nails. She had bleached blond hair piled high on her head, and a long face, deep furrows on either side of her mouth. Not the beauty Mary Elisabeth was, but she’d stood by Del longer than any of his other wives or girlfriends. Karen had to think there’d been some real feeling between them at one time. “If you don’t think I’m being too nosy, what was the delay?” she asked.

“Del owed his lawyer money, so the lawyer wouldn’t file the right papers until he got paid.” Sheila waved cigarette smoke away from them. “But I guess he found the money some where and finally paid the bill, so things are good to go.”

So Del had been telling the truth about why he needed the money from their dad. “I was sorry to hear about y’all split ting up,” Karen said. “But I can’t say I blame you.”

“Best decision I ever made,” Sheila said. “I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner.”

“It’s not easy to decide to end a marriage,” Karen said. “Especially when you love someone.”

“Yeah, but after a while it wasn’t so much love as habit.” She took another long pull on the cigarette, the end glowing red. “It’s easier to stay with what you know—even if you’re miserable—than it is to cut loose and face the scary things you don’t know.” She shrugged. “I don’t think I realized how miserable I was until I left him and started living on my own.”

“I’m glad you’re doing well.”

“Honey, I’m doing great!” Sheila’s grin lit up her face. “I married my first husband when I was seventeen, and pretty much went straight from his house to Del’s. I’m living on my own for the first time in my life. I can cook what I want for dinner, when I want to, watch what I want on TV, have a whole bathroom to myself without tripping over his dirty clothes or wet towels.” She stabbed out the stub of the cigarette in a glass ashtray. “Except for the having kids thing, which I never did, I don’t know why any woman would bother with getting married these days. There’s just so much more freedom in being single, you know?”

Karen nodded, though she didn’t know. Not really. She’d gone from her parents’ house to Tom’s and never thought much about it. What would it be like to have only herself to answer to? Lonely. Then again, she might find out she was pretty good company for herself.

“Gawd, here I am going on and on about myself. What have you been up to?”

“Taking care of Dad and Casey.” And before that, she’d been taking care of Tom and the two boys, and looking after their business. She didn’t even have any interesting hobbies to talk about.

“You still in the landscaping business up there in Denver?”

She nodded. “It’s doing really well. Matt is working for us now, too.”

Or rather, he was working for Tom. The business was really Tom’s. Karen had the title of office manager, but she deferred to Tom on all but the simplest business decisions. “Are you still working for the school district?” she asked.

Sheila nodded. “I’ll have been there twenty years in September. But I’m also doing sales on the side.”

She dug in her purse and pulled out a business card. The
mauve lettering on a pale pink back ground announced that Sheila Engel was a Mary Kay representative.

“You need anything while you’re in town, give me a call. Or maybe you can come over one day and let me give you a free facial. We have some great products I know you’d love.”

Karen nodded weakly. “Thanks.”

Sheila checked her watch and jumped up. “I’ve got to go or I’m gonna be late.” She winked at Karen. “I’ve got a date. Real nice guy.” She laid a five on the table and weighed it down with the ashtray. “When the waitress comes by, tell her that’s for my drink.” She leaned down and hugged Karen, smothering her in the scent of Shalimar and cigarette smoke. “I’ll call you sometime, okay. You take care.”