Thinking Straight (18 page)

“I'm here voluntarily, and I'm on my way to college next year. I'm eighteen. My guess is that you don't have the same kind of flexibility.”

I shrug; I don't have a clue where all this is going, so I want to tread carefully.

He says, “You read the article?” Nod; I may be out of SafeZone, but nodding is quieter. “Got any questions?”

“Who gave it to you?”

“Will.”

I close my eyes. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was
right there.
Eyes back on Nate, scouring his face for any sign of anything, I ask, “This afternoon?”

“Yes.”

I'm amazed to feel anger, but that's what it is. “How the f—How the heck do you know him?”

“Will started hanging around the place several days before you got here. I was on yard detail one day—they needed an extra for something. I usually work in the laundry room. Anyway, I saw him that day, but he didn't talk to anyone. The next day I was back in the laundry room, and I was at the fence on break when I saw him. He was looking right at me, but he wasn't close enough to talk. We sort of nodded at each other.

“But the next day I saw him again, and the day after that he was waiting for me. He said he needed to get a note to someone.”

“Who did he know—”

“No one yet. He was feeling me out. He convinced me it was just to encourage someone he cared for, and I did my best to convince him he could trust me. We couldn't talk much, obviously. He came back the next two days but didn't speak to me. Then the next day he gave me your name and said you weren't here yet.”

“Why did he do all that?” I'm really asking myself, but Nate answers.

“I'm guessing he figured that if I thought he was interested in someone who was here already, and if I couldn't be trusted, then within a couple of days there'd be someone waiting to confront him. That didn't happen.”

“Why not?” In other words, Nate, convince
me
that Will and I can both trust you.

Nate takes a deep breath and thinks for a few seconds. “Let's finish this part first. The day he gave me your name, I asked if he was gay. He said yes and so were you, and I told him I'd look out for you. I told him it would be better if you didn't know we'd talked. For your sake. He said he wasn't allowed to talk to you anyway, because you were grounded. Then I suggested he look in that newspaper from Springfield for the article, and I told him I'm the one who contacted the reporter. To help him understand I'm on his side. And yours.”

Okay, now I'm speechless.
Nate
gave them that story? All I can think of to say is, “Are you gay?”

He shakes his head. “No. I came here my first time because of drugs and petty theft.”

“So, why…”

“It's wrong. What they're doing here is wrong. Guys like you and Ray and Leland and a few others I could mention—”

“Charles?”

“I never out someone. Ask him, if you want to know. Anyway, you and a few others I could mention should not be here. This Program helped me in so many ways, I don't know how to tell you. And it's helped lots of others, too. But you shouldn't be here. Ray would probably still be alive if he hadn't been sent here, and so would lots of others. Do you think you can pray away this part of who you are?”

“I don't think I can, and I don't think I should. God made me this way, and he didn't do it to fuel programs like this one.”

Nate laughs again. “Okay, now let me finish about Will. He wants you to know that if you have any doubts, any trouble, any real grief, while you're in here, you should just think of him and remember that he'll be there for you. Whatever happens in here, he's out there waiting.”

My turn to grin. “I know. He's already been talking to me. In my head, anyway.” I decide to take a risk. “Wanna know one thing he said?”

“Sure.” He looks like he thinks I'm gonna say something sugary. He's wrong. I tell him who Jesus's favorite is. And after I've told him, he has to stuff his shirttail into his mouth this time, he's laughing so hard. After a minute he starts to recover, and I can't resist saying, “Shall I find you a sheet to roll around on?”

He sobers up pretty quickly. “Do you know why I did that?”

“No.”

“Same reason I ratted on you your first day. For humming that tune.”

“What?” Too loud.

“Shh! Listen, I have a cover to maintain, and you need to know what will get you the wrong kind of attention. So I killed two birds with one stone.”

I nearly hiss at him, “But I got punished for the sheet thing!”

“And that was extremely useful to me. The way you responded? What you did tonight? It convinced me that I could give you Will's note. That article, I mean. That I could let you know what's going on here besides what you see. That I could invite you to join us.”

I rub my face. I don't know how much more confusion I can take. “Join who?”

“Taylor, you don't buy into this stuff the way Reverend Bartle and Dr. Strickland do. You don't even buy into it the way Charles does. But you get Jesus. You understand his message the way I do. You know he wants us to love each other and accept each other. Right?”

I nod, wondering what I'm getting myself into. I say, “Connection.”

“Exactly! There are others here who feel the same way. There are others every year. Which is part of why I keep coming back. It's not that the Bible is wrong. It's that it's being
used
wrong. It's not a weapon for people like Marie to hurl at people. It's not an arsenal of weapons to use on each other. If there are swords in the Bible, they're for God to use on the reader, not for the readers to use on each other.”

“And what do you think you can do about that?”

“If I could have gotten to Ray, I might have helped him hang on till he got out of here safely. I'm helping Leland hold on. And I'm trying to help Charles hold on. And then there's the kids in the circle, and we help each other understand and then spread the word. And I think you could be one of us.”

“Circle.”

“It's just how we refer to the group. I got invited about half way through my first visit, and the next summer I was asked to lead it. And I'm leading it again this year.”

“And you want me in it?”

“Yes.”

“What would I have to do?”

“For one thing, keep your mouth shut about it. No one but the leader is supposed to tell any other resident. If there's someone you think should be invited, then you'd tell the group. We'd talk about it and figure out a way to be sure it was the right move and make the decision together.”

“And you've already decided about me?”

“Sean suggested you right away. I had my eye on you anyway because of what I'd told Will.”

Had his eye on me. And ratted on me immediately. Suddenly I have to know something. “Remember at that break when I hummed “Battle Hymn” to you? Were you, like, thinking of any lyrics in particular?”

He chuckles. “I think you have a pretty good idea. They can get pretty raunchy. But there is one alternative line I've always liked: ‘We've broken all the rules; our truth is marching on.'”

We sit there a couple of minutes, him kind of waiting to see what I say next, me trying to think which of the fifty million things I want to start with. My first priority wins. “Is Will coming back?”

“Yes, but I'm not sure when. And if you start hanging out at that end of the break yard, I'll have to tell him to stay away for your own good. What's your threat, by the way?”

“Threat?”

“What will happen to you if you get kicked out of here, whatever?”

“Military school.”

Nate shakes his head. “I almost wish they'd think of something original. It's the most common one. But it's not the worst. I know of a kid who got literally thrown out on the streets. Had to go into foster care for a year. And then there are those who wait until they've left here to really get out. The way Ray got out, I mean. Taylor?” He waits until I look at him. “You aren't likely to do that, are you?”

“Hell, no. I want out of here alive so I can be with Will again. So I can have my life back. I won't give it to them.”

“You know, they aren't actually evil here.” I open my mouth and he holds a hand up. “I know, I read that article. I know what Dr. Strickland said. But you need to remember that he really, really thinks he's doing what God wants. He
wants
to love you. It's just that he wants to do it in a very limited way. But he doesn't see it like that. Do you know about Mrs. Harnett's older son?”

I shake my head, wondering how many other stories Nate can tell me.

“Her gay son was in the program, but when he got out he told her he hated her and left to go live in San Francisco. She hasn't heard from him since.”

“And this makes her feel how, exactly?”

“She doesn't talk about it a lot. But Taylor,” and again he waits to make sure he's got my attention, “there is sin here. Around the gay thing. But it isn't yours. Sin is doing something, or not doing something, that causes love to stop. Whether it's your love or someone else's. So in the case here, the sin is with people who try to condemn you for being what you are. Dr. Strickland saying that about suicide, that's totally sin. What he's doing to kids like Ray is causing them to hate themselves. Look at Charles. Poor fellow is desperate to find something to love about himself, and no matter how good he manages to be, he can't be someone he isn't. And as long as he believes people like Dr. Strickland, he can't love who he is. The ironic thing, if you think about it, is we're actually commanded to love ourselves. Indirectly.”

He waits until I bite. “What do you mean?”

“In Matthew, chapter twenty-two, verse thirty-nine, Jesus says that the second greatest commandment, after loving God, is ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.' Well, you can't do that unless you already love yourself. Jesus commands us to love each other, and he compares it to loving ourselves. So, Taylor, love yourself. Jesus commands it. And Dr. Strickland's approach stops that, because he's trying to convince boys like Ray and Charles that God can't love them as they are, and if God can't love you, how can you love yourself? So what Dr. Strickland is doing goes against the commandment, and that's sin.”

He's got my attention all right, and I wonder if he realizes he's just outed Charles. “Look, Nate, I know Charles is gay. You don't have to out him to me. But—why would they give him Ray, or me, for a roommate? Why do they put two gay guys in a room together and then say, ‘Don't do it'?”

Nate chuckles. “I guess that might seem a little odd if you don't know the rationale. They would put a guy like you in with Charles for a couple of reasons. One is that Charles is so, so determined that prayer can change him that he'd never allow anything to happen between you, and he's seen as nearly ex-gay by the directorship here. Plus you're supposed to see, through his example, that you can do it, too. And if they gave kids private rooms, how long do you think it would be before there was some illicit entertainment going on? So they have the new gay kids room with guys like Charles whenever they can, and he can keep an eye on you and provide an example at the same time. They don't always put new gay residents in with other gay kids, but when they've identified someone they think can help, they do it. And if you need another reason, didn't they already tell you that which sin you've committed isn't important? That what matters is that it was sin? If they want to maintain that position, they can't on principle avoid putting gays with gays.”

That makes a certain amount of sense. But in one way, Charles isn't a very good example. He sure as hell doesn't love himself. My mind goes back to Nate's comment about that “second greatest commandment.” I've heard of things that have a gay subtext, but the idea of a subtext of any kind in scripture was totally new to me. I said, “I've never heard anyone talk about loving ourselves, like what you said a minute ago. Or about that commandment like that.”

“If you join us, you'll hear lots more of this kind of approach. This is what we do. We reassess the Bible in terms of who we are, not in terms of who some small group of people think we should be. We apply it to who we really are. You can't fake who you really are. And you can't fake love.”

“This circle. Is it all gays?”

“Most of the members are gay, because they're the ones who really don't belong in here. Like I said, the program can help kids like me. The members who aren't gay come to circle because they're interested in a deeper understanding of the scriptures.”

“How many of you are there?”

“Depends on the week and who leaves the program. And not everyone comes every time we meet. It would look suspicious if the same kids were missing frequently. Usually we have about five in any meeting. We try to meet at least twice a week, different nights. I don't always come; that would definitely arouse suspicion. There was going to be a meeting tonight, but we decided to invite you. And this way, if you decide to rat—well, I'm the only one you know about.”