Read This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life Online
Authors: Dannielle Owens-Reid,Kristin Russo
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids: A Question & Answer Guide to Everyday Life (26 page)
There is a large scope of identity within the LGBTQ community. Some of us like to wear rainbow leotards and feather boas, cover our bodies in glitter, and march in Gay Pride parades across the globe. Some of us don’t identify as much with the larger
LGBTQ community, and don’t feel compelled to define or mark our identity by participating in activities with other LGBTQ individuals. There are also those of us who fall somewhere in between; we love to attend Pride celebrations and enjoy feeling a part of a larger community on occasion, but on a daily basis we shake off the glitter and simply feel like human beings. The same goes for parents, friends, and family of LGBTQ youth. Since there are many different ways that we all engage with being “proud” of who we are, there is a chance that you aren’t on exactly the same page as your child.
Buying lots of rainbow flags or T-shirts from LGBTQ organizations might be your way of saying, “I support what you do! I love you! This is great!” However, this is not your journey to go on alone; it is your journey to go on
with
your child. Start by telling your child that you are proud of them—so proud, in fact, that you want to get involved with the LGBTQ community on a bigger level. Their first response might be, “Oh my God, Mom, please. No. Don’t. Just. Can’t you please just stay home?” Let them know that you are not going to go out of your way to embarrass them or expose their sexuality to people who are unaware of it. Explain to them that you being involved does not have to interfere with the way they live their life, and tell them, “Because I love and support you, I need to have the ability to express my support in my own way.
Capeesh?
” (You don’t have to say capeesh, but can elect to if you are Italian or just generally feeling it.) Your child needs to know that you having
pride doesn’t mean you will drag them along to a million events where they give out free beaded necklaces. You are entitled to make your own choices, but be careful not to interfere with their process.
If your kid doesn’t want you flaunting your pride while they are in earshot, begin by finding a group that you can join on your own (or with a friend or other family member). Community centers or groups like PFLAG provide fun ways to become more involved with the LGBTQ community. Not only will those resources allow you to show your pride and support, but they will also give you a network of other proud parents who have similar interests. This means that if your child doesn’t want you to go along with them to the Pride parade, you have a built-in community to look to for companionship. Sure, your kid might duck under the nearest tree when you come parading down in your feather boa, but you gave them the space that they needed, you are expressing your pride, and, if they don’t already, they will eventually come to appreciate your support (and your boa).
THE BOTTOM LINE
Your support—in whatever form it takes—is and will continue to be a vital part of your child’s journey.- If your child is being bullied, ask them questions, get information, create a plan with them when possible, and keep them in the loop on your plan when you think they may be at risk.
- When talking to school administration about bullying issues, know school and state policies, work with other parents to present a united front, and focus on the school as a whole instead of on one specific incident.
- You are not obligated to become more politically active, but should you feel compelled to do so, there are many incredible ways to get involved in your community.
- Negotiating political party stance doesn’t always mean one thing. Create a list of your priorities when it comes to voting, and discuss these with your child.
- Support groups provide a strong community of people who share similar experiences, but your participation is entirely dependent on your interest and your needs.
- Showing pride in your child and the LGBTQ community is commendable; it is also possible to do so while being respectful of your child’s wishes.
MOVING FORWARD
You did it!
You read the entire book, or you skipped to the back to see if there was a one-sentence way of answering all of your questions. Spoiler alert: There is not a magic sentence, so if that is how you landed here, you should probably go back and read the book. For the rest of you, it is pretty wonderful that you dedicated the time to better understand what’s going on in your kid’s head, what’s going on in your own head, and how to bring those two things together in the best way possible.
Hopefully, what you have read here has shined a light on the importance of dialogue, patience, and reflection. An honest and open dialogue is key at this juncture in your family’s life. While your child may not be at a place to engage with that dialogue right this moment, that doesn’t mean you can’t seek out information on your own time while they continue to work through their own concerns. Having patience is incredibly important, both with your child and with yourself. Your child is likely working to understand themselves, or to become comfortable within a new understanding of themselves—this takes time. Simultaneously, you are also working to adjust to a new reality. In some instances, that might be an easy task; in others, it can be exceptionally difficult. You are no better or worse of a parent if your journey takes you more time than that of the next guy. We all walk different paths, and the important thing is that they lead toward understanding and love.
A lot of people don’t give parents enough credit for the work they put in to facing the challenges inherent in their kid’s coming-out process. This is also
your
coming-out process. So much attention is placed on
helping the kid, caring for the kid, supporting the kid, and, while this is very deserved attention, it’s sometimes forgotten that you, as the parent of that kid, need support as well. More than support, you need encouragement. More than encouragement, you need appreciation. Know that you are appreciated.
So, thank you. Thank you for being an incredible parent.
While we know that a glossary is of the utmost importance for a book such as this one, please understand that we are not the rulers or creators of LGBTQ vocabulary. Many of the words you will find below are terms for complicated concepts, and this list is by no means exhaustive. Words, especially labels, are self-defined. Two people with very similar sexual orientations or gender identities may identify with two different words. We have defined these words to explain their meaning on a basic level, but if you are curious about additional vocabulary or are still confused, more resources are available. You can start with those at the back of this book.