This Is Not That Dawn: Jhootha Sach (134 page)

Tara thought, ‘His wife does not take care of his clothes! Perhaps they don’t talk to each other. I’ve never seen them together. Doctor sahib is such a kind and understanding person, why did he ever marry such a woman? Perhaps Mrs Nath is fond of gadding like Mrs Agarwal, perhaps she is quarrelsome like Mrs De. Who knows Sita won’t turn out to be like one of them after six month’s of married life?’

The discussion on the government policy bored Mercy. She asked Tara, ‘Will Sita continue to work or will she quit her job?’

‘It’d be better if she continued,’ Mathur gave his opinion. ‘If she quits, all the money spent on her training will go waste.’

‘I don’t want her to quit, but she perhaps will.’

‘That’s such a national wastage,’ Nath said. ‘Mostly girls from relatively well-off families get the opportunity to go for higher education, and they generally quit after they are married. The money spent on their education by the country goes to waste. Only those girls who make a pledge to work for a certain number of years should be allowed into medical and vocational training colleges.’

‘Girls study up to BA or MA level so as to improve their prospects for marriage,’ Narottam added.

‘I seldom heard them discuss politics or literature. All they talk about is fashion, films and festivals,’ said Mathur.

‘How would literature help anyone in cleaning the kitchen and doing the laundry?’ Mercy asked.

‘Quotations from Shakespeare and Byron could surely come in handy when writing a letter to one’s spouse,’ Nath added.

The wisecrack was probably aimed at his wife, Tara guessed. She had mostly kept out of the conversation. She already had her hands full managing the event, and did not have Sita to help her.

The bride and the groom left for her in-law’s house early the next morning. On returning from the office, Tara felt that the apartment had taken a forlorn look. Purandei also looked a little sad, but clearly relieved that such a heavy burden was off her shoulders. She made sure to sit next to Tara and to thank her, ‘Beti, everything went well with Maharaj-ji’s blessings and your determination. I will thank Maharaj-ji all my life that He relieved me of such a heavy responsibility. From now on, you are my daughter.’

An odd thought came into Tara’s mind, ‘Had I been her daughter she’d also have been worried about relieving my burden.’ But she said nothing to Purandei, and began to inquire about returning the things that had been loaned by the neighbours.

Two days later, as the custom dictated, Purandei went to bring Sita back for a brief stay. Had she not, Sita’s in-laws would have taken this lapse from the custom as a lack of concern for her daughter. Sita arrived before Tara had returned home from the office, and they embraced each other. Back in Lahore, Tara had hardly ever exchanged a word with Sita. In Delhi she had helped Sita despite her disgust for the girl’s dissolute way of life. But a bond had developed between them after living under the same roof for the past ten months, just as between two bullocks put in the same pen.

Tara looked intently at Sita. A change seemed to have come over the girl in the past two days. She was acting more grown-up and self-confident, and as someone on the same level as Tara.

Tara asked in a conspiratorial tone, ‘Tell me, were you scared?’

Sita replied, smiling bashfully, ‘Hai, I was really scared.’

‘How about his family?’

‘Very nice people.’

‘Will you be all right now?’

‘Why not? Only the first day is scary.’

‘How did he treat you?’

‘Not badly,’ Sita replied offhandedly, as if to imply ‘what’s there to share with you on this subject.’

Tara smiled at Sita to indicate that she felt happy for her, but the smug and boastful look in Sita’s eyes seemed like arrogance. She thought, ‘Sita seems happy. She has found what she longed for—a husband and a shelter. Could she have fallen in love in just a couple of days?’ Then thought to herself, ‘What else is love? Isn’t love the fulfilment of whatever one wants and desires? Isn’t love also a need and a hunger, or the desire to satisfy that hunger and need?’

She chided herself for denigrating Sita, ‘When I was taken to that room on the third floor, what was I waiting for? I had no feelings of hatred or hostility at that moment. Rather I waited and hoped for love. It was his abominable behaviour that filled me with fear and loathing.’

In her mind’s eye she saw herself as a wife doing household chores, minding her children and in such situations. The images continued to go round and round before her eyes.

She recalled Mercy’s words, ‘Are you abnormal?’

She said to herself angrily, ‘No, I don’t want that kind of normality. I am fine as I am.’

On Saturday, Tara returned from her office at 1.30 p.m. to find that Sita’s mother-in-law and another woman had come to escort the bride back. Sita had wrapped a few of her things in a bundle, and was waiting to say goodbye to Tara. When she left an hour later, Sita hugged Tara lovingly, and Tara hugged her back. Purandei, aanchal over eyes, was crying quietly and tears came to Tara’s eyes. She and Purandei went down to the gali to see Sita off. As the taxi drove away, Tara again felt a pang of loneliness.

Mercy had barely had an opportunity to talk to Tara during the excited melee on the evening of the wedding. Just before leaving she had said to Tara, ‘I have something important to tell you. Either drop by my place or ring me. I can also come to your place some evening.’

Tara had thought, ‘She probably wants to ask me for a contribution for the party. Why else would she want to talk to me alone?’ Feeling the need to lighten her mood by talking to someone, she rang Mercy.

Mercy said, ‘This is not a good time. I have company. Come to lunch tomorrow.’

Tara again sat forlornly. Purandei’s presence or absence in the house meant little to her. ‘Wish Narottam or Mathur would come so that I can have company.’ She thought of going to visit Sheelo, then thought better of it, ‘I can enjoy my own company.’ She lay down on her bed without changing her clothes. Her mind began to cast up memories of her past. A couplet she had heard from her brother came to her mind. She hummed pensively:

The bulbul bird is born to lament, the moth to immolate itself
The fate I got that was the worst of all.

Then she scolded herself, ‘What’s wrong with you? What reason do
you
have to mope about? None!’

She forced herself to read a copy of a report submitted by the Planning Commission that Nath had given her. ‘I must know what’s happening in the country,’ she told herself. Purandei, with nothing left to worry over and time on her hands, had gone to the hosiery factory to get more socks
to work on. Tara had read nearly fifty pages of the report when Purandei retuned around 6 p.m.

On her way back from the factory, Purandei had stopped by Sadar Bazaar to meet some of her former neighbours. She had walked over five miles, and looked tired. She had hardly had any respite after the grind of her daughter’s wedding. She continued to sit and chat idly to rest her feet.

Tara put the report aside, got up and said to Purandei, ‘Bua, you must be very tired. Stretch out a bit. I’ll make the dinner.’

‘No, no. Why should you? I’m still alive. I’ll do it.’

‘No, let me do the cooking today. It’s been months. I just want to see if I haven’t forgotten everything.’

‘Go away,
kamali
, you crazy girl!’ Purandei said affectionately. ‘A woman never forgets how to cook. She is born to cook and feed others.’

When Tara ignored her and went into the kitchen, Purandei sat down on the threshold and began to explain where things were stored.

Tayi dropped in, curious as ever to find out what Purandei had given to Sita in her trousseau. On seeing Tara doing the cooking, she said appreciatively, ‘A woman looks good only in kitchen and at her in-laws’ house. You should think about settling her too,’ she said, then began to badger Purandei. ‘We’ll have to find someone who’s just right for her. We must marry her into a family like my brother’s.’

‘Maharaj-ji has already helped us so much, He will take care of the rest,’ Purandei said to end the topic. She knew that such talk irritated Tara.

Sunday. Tara was at Mercy’s place at 1 p.m. Mercy asked Chimmo to serve lunch.

Tara did not see Chaddha in the flat. She said, ‘What’s the hurry. Let’s wait for jijaji.’

‘He’s gone to Lucknow. I asked you to come so that we could talk alone. What have you decided about Tewari?’ Mercy came straight to the point.

‘Decide what?’ The question took Tara by surprise.

‘Don’t you know?’

‘I know Tewariji. Nityanand Tewari, from Aligarh.’

‘Didn’t Mathur say anything about Tewari’s intention about you?’

‘I’d said even then that I had no such intention.’

‘You had said that you had no intention at that time. You didn’t say that you didn’t like him.’

‘Who am I to find a fault in him? He’s a good person, but I’ve no desire to tie the knot,’ Tara said with some irritation.

‘Wah, Mathur says that you had told him that Tewari was a very nice man. Someone who acts high and mighty like you isn’t going to say “yes” outright any way. You are twenty-four. Mathur is fond of you as he’s of Tewari. Tewari was his student, right. He’s been promoted to a Reader. Yes, his salary isn’t as much as yours. But money isn’t everything.’

‘Mathur bhai is demonstrating a loss of his mental faculties,’ Tara said in English. ‘What he couldn’t do for himself, he wants it for others. He’s so obsessed with matchmaking, why doesn’t he find a match for himself?’

‘He’s a sanyasi both in practice and in thinking. He’s over forty-three. What’s the point in him getting married now?’

‘So he tries to please himself by arranging marriages?’

‘What’s wrong in that? You know he has great regard for you. He worries for you as if you were his own daughter.’

‘I do not respect him any less. I would have called him “uncle” if his hair were grey.’

Chimmo served lunch. She had forgotten that Tara could not tolerate food with lots of chillies. Tara ate, although chillies made her eyes water and she felt as if her tongue was on fire.

‘Do you know that Mathur said that Tewari had rejected several good proposals. He is completely devoted to you.’

‘Nonsense.’

‘Not nonsense. He worships your photograph.’

‘Don’t you exaggerate!’

‘I swear by you. Mathur told me.’

‘How did he get my photograph?’

‘Mathur asked me for one.’

‘That photo had both of us in it. Must be worshipping you.’

‘I cut it into half and gave yours.’

‘You did me a great favour. Should I thank you for it?’ Tara was really annoyed.

‘What disfavour did I do? Do you mind if someone values you and desires you?’

‘What should I do with this kind of desiring? There’s another one, who probably dreams about me. He makes way for me, parts the curtain for me as if I were a soap bubble that would burst if something touched me.’

‘Why does that irritate you?’

‘Why shouldn’t it? Why is everyone bothered about me when I haven’t given any such indication? Do they want to give me a bad name?’

‘Will you ever like anyone?’

‘Why such a concern about that?’

‘Why shouldn’t I be concerned?’

‘Neither am I looking for someone to support me, nor am I desperate for it like Sita.’

‘Mathur thinks that Tewari’s age, his physique, his education and background makes him just the right person for you.’

‘What made him decide that it does? I have never felt anything for Tewari, never thought about him in that way. He shouldn’t wait for me.’

‘Whom do you have in mind?’

‘I’ll let you know when I find someone.’

‘Hmm,’ Mercy said, looking intently at Tara.

‘When will jijaji return?’

‘He has many places to visit. First Lucknow, then Patna, from there on to Calcutta. He’ll be away for two weeks. Why, what’s the matter?’

‘He had said that when he comes back, he’d like to meet Dr Nath. Doctor sahib told me that his house was over a mile from the nearest bus stop. I’ll invite him over when jijaji is back.’ Tara changed the subject. ‘Didi, I can’t seem to find a good car for myself. They want a lot of money for a small car. I think I should get a Ford. Doctor sahib gave the same advice. I don’t drive around all day so I don’t have to worry about the cost of petrol.’

‘You seem to be besotted with Doctor. Always talking about him. He hasn’t captured your heart, has he?’

‘Don’t talk rubbish, didi,’ Tara said angrily, straightening her back.

‘I am talking rubbish? Haven’t I noticed? You always want to be next to him, swooning over him.’

‘You can’t compare me to him! Have you no regard for his position!’ Tara said, face flushing with anger.

‘Since when have you become such a toady? And what about his position? Is he some kind of God on earth? He is a man, you are a young woman. But why are you blushing?’ Pleased with herself, Mercy said, wiggling her thumb before Tara, ‘I’ve got you!’

‘Have you no consideration for his being married. He has a wife.’

‘Wife?’ Mercy said with surprise. ‘She was not with him that evening.’

‘They probably had a falling out. I have never seen them together,’ Tara said ominously.

‘Could that be because of you? The same problem as with De’s marriage?’

‘Didi, you are the limit,’ Tara said in a reproaching tone. ‘I have never even met Mrs Nath.’

‘She might have seen you both together, and became suspicious.’

Angry tears filled Tara’s eyes, ‘Didi, I’ll never come here again if you go on like that. You have no idea how indebted we are to Doctor sahib. He helped my father, he helped my brother, he helped me. I respect him more than I respect my elder brother. He was like our saviour. We can never forget what he did for us.’

Mercy kept quiet. Tara was also quiet for several minutes, then said abruptly, ‘I am leaving.’

‘Stay a while.’

‘No, let me go.’

Mercy was silent as she accompanied Tara downstairs, then hugged her and kissed her on the cheek before seeing her off.

Tara felt her anger drain away.