This Is What I Want to Tell You (13 page)

Dear Dario,

I actually didn’t think much about my sister never coming home. I wished she didn’t spend so much time with Jessica Marino, and I knew there was something about her that made me feel worried, but it wasn’t until I heard Lace yelling at her that I realized this was all bigger. Lace doesn’t yell. We don’t push her. It’s just this quiet agreement we’ve always had.

Would you notice if your daughter was losing it? Would you care if she called Friday night and said she wasn’t coming home? I know Lace was worried about her. I know she told her no more late-night change of plans. What would be different if she had a dad? You know, I keep thinking that maybe if I’d had someone to talk to about all of this, then it would have all come out of my head and I’d have had the space to notice my sister. Half of all of this is your fault. It has to be.

The other part of this is Keeley. Because how do I know how to be with her now? How do I know how to take care of her and not be him and let us go forward so she can forget about what he did to her? And what about this part of me who understands how he felt. What about that part? I know that comes from you.

I look at both of them, Keeley and my sister, and I think of the kind of people who can ruin them and it scares me.

I wasn’t sure how to be with Keeley when she picked me up for school. I felt like part of me had become another person—filled with all this anger and concern. She leaned over to kiss me when I got in the car. I know I turned stiff. I didn’t mean to, but everything about her suddenly felt fragile.

I’m the same person I was yesterday, she said.

I know. But I’m not.

Yeah, but you’re the person I feel safe with.

I wanted to ask her what made her kiss me that first night but I didn’t. She drove and I watched her.

I don’t want you to be weird around me, she said.

Well.

Nadio, I’m not made of glass. I want to get past this.

She pulled into a parking spot and turned off the car.

Have you talked to anyone?

You.

You know what I mean.

Keeley sighed. She reached out and held my hand.

I’m okay, she said. If I feel like I’m not, then I’ll talk to someone. It happened. Something bad happened to me. And I wish the first time I had sex was different. But I can’t let that be who I am.

You sound pretty certain, I said. I couldn’t stop thinking that she was trying to pretend this was smaller than it was. I imagined her nightmares, the ones she wouldn’t talk about. Keeley pulled her hand away. It was like she knew what I was thinking.

Look, I said. I’m just saying that you sound like you have it all figured out. But it’s okay to let this mess you up.

She looked back at me.

I know, she whispered. But I really feel okay right now.

I pulled Keeley’s head against my chest. I held her and she leaned into my neck. Her hair smelled like a woodstove and raspberry. I could feel her heart beating against my arm. I knew that I couldn’t save anybody—that my sister, Keeley, even my mom, only they knew what they needed to be okay, to forget or remember, but right then I felt like I wanted to save Keeley from all of it.

And I felt like I could.

The weird thing was, I didn’t really want to do it again. I sort of thought having sex once would make me know everything about it. But I was still scared to do it again.

But I wanted him to want to do it again.

With me.

Only he didn’t call.

I waited until the weekend and then I called him. He didn’t answer. It was two days before he sent me a text that said:

Hey.

Having people over tonight.

Been thinking of you.

Come.

The first two lines made my stomach hurt.

But the second two lines were all I needed.

He knew it was a school night. But I had to go. I had to. At the same time, I sort of felt like I shouldn’t go alone. I’d been going to Parker’s house for three months. It was mine more than anything else. But tonight I didn’t want to go alone. Even though Jessica was working, she said I could stay at her house. I begged and pleaded and faked a Government project that needed work and Lace finally let me go.

So I took the bus. I went alone.

Sammy’s was closed. Dim lights dripped out from Parker’s second floor apartment. The music was low, bumping. I climbed the metal staircase and let myself in.

A few people were sitting around the kitchen table playing cards. A low ceiling of smoke hung just over their heads. Some of them nodded, mumbled, looked back to their cards and drinks. I crept down the hallway. Parker was in the living room. Jessica’s brother was there, two other guys I didn’t know. Dana.

Hey, Dana said.

Hi.

Nodding. Mumbling.

Parker stood up. He kissed me quickly. It was one-sixteenth of the kiss I wanted.

I sat down on the floor at his feet. There was nowhere else. He put his hand on the back of my neck. I breathed a sigh of relief. In a second it was gone.

The two guys must have worked with Parker. One of them was leaning in, breathless.

… and she was like, these are NOT sweet potatoes. You dyed these with food coloring. You think I’d be fooled? I’m like, LADY. Nobody in our kitchen is gonna go through the trouble of dying real potatoes. Unbelievable. Meanwhile, the woman sent her steak back THREE times. Lady, you can get beef jerky at the gas station …

It’s all about back of the house, I’m telling you, Parker said.

Dana was watching me. When I caught her eye she looked away.

Hey, man, are you thinking about Santo’s offer in Boston?

He was looking at Parker. Parker was behind me. I turned around.

Boston?

It’s nothing. Parker looked at me. He looked at Dana. He looked at the guy.

Never mind, the guy said.

Silence.

Our chef is moving to this place in Boston. He asked—whatever, it’s nothing, Parker said.

I’d turned back around so I was facing the room. His voice sat over my head.

Hey, said Dana, I’m gonna open this bottle of wine. Who wants some?

It was like being at his house for the first time, like I was a stranger.

Like I wasn’t supposed to be there.

I felt it in my gut all night. I tried to breathe it away.

I tried not to need him. I tried to talk to all the people I didn’t know. I tried to talk to Dana but she kept finding excuses—to answer her phone, go to the bathroom, get another drink. She darted her eyes and stretched strange smiles.

I got too high.

I fell asleep on the couch.

I sat up slowly. Looking around.

The room was filmy and dim. Restaurant guy was asleep on the recliner. Bottles scattered across the floor. Parker was nowhere. I started to feel sick. I put my feet on the floor, leaning forward. The coffee table was littered with ashtrays, empty cigarette packs, DVDs, a pile of change and three white pills.

I don’t know what made me grab the white pills. I shoved them in my pocket.

Slowly I tiptoed to Parker’s room.

He was there. Asleep in his clothes across the sheets. Alone.

I stared at him. My sadness was desperate.

I lay down. I curled myself against his back.

Parker? I whispered.

Silence.

Parker?

Stillness.

Hey.

He shifted.

Hmm, he said.

I have to go.

Mm-hmm.

Parker? I rubbed my fingers down the back of his neck. I could come with you to Boston.

Silent, still. Then, slowly, he pulled away.

He rolled over and looked at me, his eyes wet with sleep.

Huh?

I mean it. I put my hand on his stomach. I have winter break coming up and then I could—I could go to school there. We could get an apartment …

Parker blinked. He rubbed his eyes. He pulled away from my hand and sat up slowly and looked down at me.

Hey, he said.

My heart raced. I felt the heat filling my head. I sat up, stumbling off the bed.

Noelle, come on. I mean—

No, I said. No, I get it.

I was walking carefully, then suddenly I was half running down the hall. My bag was on the counter. I picked it up. I shoved my feet inside my shoes.

I knew I was going to be sick.

Parker came into the kitchen. He was barefoot. He rubbed his eyes.

I gotta go, I said. The bus just started running. I can get to Jessica’s before her parents wake up and it’ll look like I slept over—just forget whatever I said, okay?

Noelle. Parker rubbed his hand across his stomach. The toe of the black cat inked above his hip bone peaked above his jeans.

Listen. He took a step forward. The table was between us. I think you’re really great, I do—

The room tilted and slid.

I just don’t think this is what you want it to be—

I gripped the edge of the counter.

I totally want us to be friends. I just don’t think this is working like this—

I took the deepest breath I could.

I just don’t want you to—

There was no air in the room. He started to move around the table.

I have to go. I backed up. My arm knocked a bottle. It rolled to the floor. Echoed.

Noelle—

It’s okay. It’s fine. I have to go—I grabbed at the door. It was locked. I turned, clicked, grabbed. It opened. Parker moved closer to the door.

Hey, he said.

No, it’s okay. I gotta go.

I floated. I fell. I ran. I stumbled down the stairs.

This was it. That was it.

Here’s what I know.

I threw up right outside his door. Then I felt lighter and almost okay. I caught the bus. I went straight to school and got a piece of gum from someone in the first floor bathroom. I washed my face and swallowed the three pills I’d taken from Parker’s coffee table and I pulled my hair back and I went to first period.

I felt distracted through double-period Chem. I could barely focus. I couldn’t stop feeling Keeley’s head against my neck. But it wasn’t just that. It was like I knew something was wrong. When Mr. Taylor came to the door of the classroom, I knew he was there for me. Only I thought it was about the half-assed job I’d done on my M.U.N. application. I was halfway out the door before he even finished talking to Mr. Donohoe.

Listen, I know it wasn’t my best work, I said.

Mr. Taylor looked at me funny.

Nadio, I’m here about your sister.

She’s not applying, I said. I had no idea what he was talking about.

Noelle is in my office. Ms. Hayes called me and asked me to remove her from Government class.

What? I was starting to realize this had nothing to do with M.U.N.

She was hysterical. Apparently she disrespected Ms. Hayes and this escalated. Your sister does not seem like herself.