Three Minus One: Stories of Parents' Love and Loss

THREE
MINUS
ONE

© 2014 All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, digital scanning, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, please address She Writes Press.

Published 2014
Printed in the United States of America
ISBN: 978-1-938314-80-3
eISBN: 978-1-938314-81-0
Library of Congress Control Number: 2014932684

For information, address:
She Writes Press
1563 Solano Ave #546
Berkeley, CA 94707

For Norbert Krekorian hanish
b. July 12, 2005

Introduction
, Sean Hanish

Introduction
, Brooke Warner

“You’re Going to Be a Daddy
,” Sean Hanish

Keeping Kian Close
, Gabe Johns

The Tiny Voice That Saved Me
, Alexis Marie Chute

Seamus
, Aoife Goldie

Executioner
, Heather Bell

The Turn
, Susan Blanco

The Emptying Out
, Lisa Roth-Gulvin

Bentley’s Feet
, Stephanie Nalley

The Almost-Fives
, Abbie L. Smith

Dragonflies
, Shannan Fleet

Skin
, Chiyuma Elliott

The Second of July
, Lainie Blum Cogan

Bearing Max
, Wendy Staley Colbert

Masters of Disguise
, Gabriela Ibarra Kotara

Untitled
, Katie Sluiter

Onion Bread
, Corrine Heyeck

Saying Hello but Saying Goodbye
, Amy Cartwright

Lorenzo’s Island
, Jennifer Massoni Pardini

Death of a Possum
, Christina Melendrez

Time-Warping for the Bereaved
, Jessica Bomarito

On Letting Go
, Jessica S. Baldanzi

Valentine
, Bar Scott

Miscarried
, Kristin Camitta Zimet

Lost Friends and the Big Lie
, Mike Monday

Bella’s Story
, Paul De Leon

“So Tell Me About Heaven…”
, Bobby Richmond

Address Book
, Meagan Golec

Baby Maybe
, Deborah C. Linker

Spare Me
, Jane Blanchard

4 a.m.
, Jane Blanchard

The Hatbox
, Kelly Smith

“Where is the Other Baby?”
, Jessica Killeen

What to Do When They Bring You Your Dead Baby in the Hospital
, Elizabeth Heineman

Staring Death in the Face
, Loni Huston-Eizenga

Mute
, Courtenay Baker

Split Wide Open
, Franchesca Cox

Ghost Child
, Jessica Null Vealitzek

Red Ant
, Rebecca Patrick-Howard

Pinwheel
, Janet Lynn Davis

Eternity
, Susan Miller Lawler

Their Names
, Julie Christine Johnson

The Broken People
, Robyna May

Diary of a Wimpy Mom
, Keleigh Hadley

Heavy as Grief
, Mercedes Yardley

Still
, J.lynn Sheridan

Called to Motherhood
, Stacy Clark

Cuisle Mo Chroi
, Ian Byrd (photo by Amy Grebe)

Trinity
, Barbara Mulvey

Waiting
, JS Nahani

Carrying Ashes
, Latorial Faison

Refuse to Lose
, Rachel Libby

The Raven
, Angie M. Yingst

Forever Held
, Jen Hannum

Ash
, Colleen Lutz Clemens

Silent Miscarriage
, Marina DelVecchio

After Stillbirth
, Kate Roper Camp

Love of My Life
, Ashley Kimberley

The Coin
, Sarah Elizabeth Troop

So Much Love
, So Little Time, Erica Danega

Dashed
, Anne Phyfe Palmer

A Touch of Life
, Jessica Watson

Written on the Palm of My Hand
, Faith Paulsen

Violets in the Mountains
, Brooke Taylor Duckworth

Nesting
, Laura B. Hayden

Miscarriage
, Jeannie E. Roberts

To Balance Bitter
, Add Sweet, Shoshanna Kirk

The Storm
, Jenifer Richmond

Tear Drop Toes
, Amy Dahlenburg

“Not Again
,” Kelly Kittel

Taken
, Maria B. Olujic, PhD

The Final Thread
, Heather Lynne Davis

Rae of Hope
, Tiffany Pitts

The Fire This Time
, Adina Giannelli

Early Second Trimester
, Tiffany Johnson

When Grace is Gone
, Kerry Ann Morgan

Dear Little Mizuko Bean
, Lauren Vasil

Loving Grace
, Star and Judi Corvinelli

The End
, Dafna Michaelson Jenet

Spring Baby
, Monica Wesolowska

Firstborn
, Barbara Crooker

Space Within My Heart
, Karin Morea

Brayden William Porter
, Jaimie Porter

My Daughter
, Brandon Bodnar

Our Bloody Secrets
, Susan Rukeyser

One Could Not Stay
, Natalie A. Sullivan

Touching Heaven
, Lee Cavalli-Turner

Losing Luna
, Shannon Vest

Miscarriage
, Patricia Dreyfus

Luca D’oro: Our Golden Boy
, Carla Grossini-Concha

If
, Susan Ito

Rockabye
, Carol Folsom

Three Minus One Baby Loss Mums
, Amy Dahlenburg

Acknowledgments

About the Contributors

About the Editors

Sean Hanish

M
y wife and I were expecting our first child in the summer of 2005, less than a year after we were married. We bought our first home in an area of Los Angeles with wonderful schools, narrowed down our favorite names to a shortlist, and my in-laws held the requisite baby shower which filled an otherwise empty room to the brim with toys, clothes and a crib which would soon hold a mewling, nursing, beautiful bouncing baby boy.

We went to the hospital, but we never brought him home.

His heart stopped beating on a Sunday. My wife discovered it without me by her side on a Monday. We met him on a Tuesday. Beautiful but breathless. Stillborn.

I thought that stillbirth was something that only happened when carriages we were crossing the continental divide, pre-hospital horror stories that had gone the way of the Hansom cab in our fuel-injected, Internet-saturated world.

My wife and I hid, as if on an island of grief, sorrow and disbelief. This all-too-typical reaction is due to the lack of discussion and knowledge surrounding this type of loss which, when the pall lifted, turns out to be far more common than can be believed.

Stillbirth is a taboo word and is not used in the medical nomenclature in the United States. Instead, it is known as “fetal demise” or “fetal death”. No matter the term, it is defined as a death after the 20
^th
week of pregnancy and before the child’s birth. Definitions vary slightly by country but not by much and, sadly, neither do the dismal
statistics, or the guilt, shame and isolation which surrounds this unique and devastating type of loss.

In the United States alone, over 26,000 couples a year deliver a stillborn child—that is 1 in every 160 births and more than 6 times the number of children who die of SIDS every year.

If one includes neonatal death, which is the death of the child within the first 28 days after their birth, the numbers nearly double to 1 in every 85 births or over 50,000 per year. This is greater than the amount of people who die in traffic accidents across this country each year.

If one goes a step further and includes miscarriages, then 1 in every 4 women and couples have been touched by a loss which still remains silent, misunderstood and ignored by society.

From personal experience, I can tell you that the impact that one stillbirth has on the mother, the father, their family and friends is devastating—a shock-wave of pain and guilt, and then, too often, silence. The majority of those affected, especially the mothers, suffer in this silence often believing that their grief and trauma is theirs to bear alone.

It is made worse because family and friends do not know how to talk about this subject. They simply don’t know what to say or how to say it. They don’t want to make things worse but by trying to protect the parent, they often ignore the child they loved and carried to term or, even worse, suggest everything will be better when they have another healthy baby. These all-too-common responses only deepen the pain and isolate the grief-stricken further.

This book has within its pages nearly 100 testimonials to the love and loss, pain and heartbreak, anger and denial, joy and wonder of what it means to be a mother, father, aunt, grandparent and friend of those who have lost children in this shocking way.

The film “Return to Zero” which I wrote, produced and directed is based on the experiences my wife and I had when our son was stillborn which is why the majority of the stories included in this book are about stillbirth. I sincerely hope that these stories, along
with their companion pieces about neonatal loss and miscarriage, will resonate with you no matter what loss you have experienced.

My hope is that this book and the film will help to open up discussion around these taboo topics and in doing so give family, friends, and, if possible, our society a way in to discussing this loss, or at least a toe-hold to begin the discussion.

My thanks goes to all of the courageous people who, despite the natural human instinct to shelter their pain and push aside grief to look forward to a brighter day, have relived their worst days through stories, poetry, photography and artwork in this book, a book which has one simple purpose: to help break the silence.

For those of you who are afraid to turn the page—terrified of the horrors that you might find—I hope you will understand that at its very essence this is a book about love.

Love for our children who we lost but for whom that love endures.

Love in our hearts for the beautiful lives which were here with us for only a brief time but which left an indelible impression and a lifetime of memories.

Love for those beautiful ones who are, and will forever be, our precious children.

Brooke Warner

W
hen I met Sean in 2007, he was working on another screenplay—one that I hope he’ll someday produce. It was a tragicomedy loosely based on his own family-of-origin dynamics. It was some months before he told me about losing his son, Norbert, the inspiration for his film,
Return to Zero,
and now this collection of stories you hold in your hands.