Three of Hearts (15 page)

I pictured myself with them, writing, singing, performing. Pretending I was happy so they wouldn’t feel bad. Me, living alone. I could do it. Sure I could.

No, I couldn’t.

Not only had I thrown away career success, I’d lost the two men I loved. The pain almost doubled me over. Surrounded by twinkling lights and Christmas music, I had never felt so alone in my life.

Time to go home.

Back at our house—which, as I expected, was empty and dark—I took off my jacket and still-damp shoes. I changed my socks for big thick gray ones and wandered out to the kitchen. Meh. I had no interest in food. I trudged into the living room. I stood there in the dark for a moment, and then I moved to the plug for the Christmas tree Ben and Lucas had insisted on putting up. It glowed to life, the lights twinkling red, green, and gold, sparkling off the ornaments. With a sigh, I plugged in another cord, and the white lights in the garland swagging the fireplace and French doors also lit up.

It wasn’t lit up like the Gaylord Opryland Resort, but it pushed back the blackness and added a little light and warmth to my dark night. I stared at the tree, remembering listening to Ben and Lucas bicker as they’d decorated it, Lucas trying to give orders, Ben complaining that Lucas had no taste at all. And me, trying to hide in my room, worried about the way they were snapping at each other, the increasing tension between them, while trying to deal with my own Christmas demons.

I’d thought I wanted to be alone at Christmas. I’d convinced myself and the guys that I was looking forward to it. And now I knew that was really the
last
thing I wanted. My chest ached with a pressure that rose up into my throat.

I turned on the torchiere lamp in the corner of the room, and it shone up to the ceiling. In the indirect illumination, my gaze fell on my piano, my beloved baby grand. I drifted over to it and sat in front of the keys, my hands resting lightly there. I closed my eyes and tipped my head back, and my song filled my head again.

I’m lost, aching and longing for something I can’t have.

Pleasure like this makes people do crazy things.

You make me lose my mind.

Part of me wants to stop,

Part of me wants to go,

Part of me wants to know

Because I don’t know how to do this.

I almost fell off the stool when a deeper voice joined in with me on the last line, singing perfect harmony.

My head jerked up, and I saw Lucas standing in the shadows just outside the glow cast by the lamp.

I stared at Lucas.

He continued singing in his bass voice, “Gonna show you how to do this. Gonna show you how to fly. Gonna make you smile and make you sigh. Gonna make you want things you’ve never had and fill you up with wanting more.”

And together we sang, “More love.”

Our voices faded into silence. Emotion rushed in and filled me up, twisting me inside out.

“Where the fuck were you?” Lucas advanced on me. “Fuck, we were worried sick about you.”

He stepped closer, shoulders hunched, hands in the pockets of his jeans. My gaze shifted behind him, but I didn’t see Ben. I stared at him. “Why are you still here?”

“You fucking think we were going to leave after that? Where the hell did you go? Jesus fuck, we were worried.”

“Y-you didn’t catch your flight?” I shook my head, confusion filling me.

He crossed his arms. “Fuck no.”

“Where were you?”

“Out looking for you. Are you okay?” The intensity in Lucas’s eyes, the relief, the concern, made me blink.

“I’m fine,” I lied. “Um, where’s Ben?”

Lucas scowled. “Fuck if I know.” He rubbed his face. “He was pissed. He left right after you did.”

“He didn’t go home either?”

“I don’t know. Don’t think so.”

“Oh god.”

“I tried to call you, but your cell phone was in your room.”

“Oh. Yeah.” My cell phone had been the last thing I’d been thinking of when I’d torn out of the house. “What about Christmas with your families?”

Lucas slashed a hand through the air. “We’ll see them some other time. We need to talk.”

My stomach tightened, and I closed my eyes briefly at the wave of sickness that swept over me. I didn’t want to have this conversation, but he was right. “Yeah. I guess we do.” I swallowed through my tight throat. “Tell me what happened. With you and Ben, this morning.”

He gave a jerky nod. “After you left to go for your run, we went back to sleep. When I woke up, we were . . . touching. I got out of bed, and we started to argue. I was pissed off about what he did last night . . . well, pissed off and turned on.”

It was freaking me out to see Lucas, so confident and assured and in charge all the time, stumbling and looking lost and confused. I wanted to comfort him. Yeah . . . I couldn’t stop myself from caring, even though my heart still hurt. “I saw that,” I whispered. “I saw you guys arguing. Fighting. I thought you were going to punch each other.”

“I tried.” A smile flickered over his lips. “But I couldn’t do it. I told him that. I was trying to explain why, but he . . . he didn’t understand what I was trying to say. I . . . I hurt him.”

Oh my god. Oh my god. Sharp splinters of heat burst in my chest. I ached to think that Ben was hurting, that he felt rejected by Lucas when he obviously had feelings for him. Because I cared about Ben too.

What a fucking rat’s nest of a mess this was. How could love be so fucking complicated and painful? I sucked in a shaky breath. “Do you love him?”

“I . . . I care about him. I’m confused. It’s hard to accept that my sexuality is so . . . fluid.”

I nodded and bent my head. He loved Ben. I knew it. Anguish squeezed my lungs and my eyes burned. “It’s okay. Don’t worry. I’m leaving. And you two can be together.”

“What?”

I nodded, my throat closing up, but I managed to shape my mouth into a smile that I hoped looked reassuring.

“Sing the end again,” he instructed me gruffly.

I blinked. “What?”

“The end of the song. Sing it.”

“I don’t want to.”

This song was too personal, too revealing, especially in the face of what had happened.

“Haylee.”

He’d already heard it once, when I didn’t know he was there. Slowly I shifted again on the stool. My fingers found the keys, and I sang the words again accompanied by soft chords.

Drowsy and drunk, feel like I’m floating,

Can’t stop myself from caring, even though my heart still hurts.

Then Lucas sang the chorus with me, and his voice made goose bumps rise on my skin as he sang the last lines:

You make me want things I’ve never had and fill me up with wanting more—

More love.

When I finished, Lucas kept singing, sharing the part he’d had in his head the other day.

I listened to him without looking at him, letting the words seep into my consciousness.

Can’t believe you love me too

And it’s not wrong because we should never be ashamed of love.

What did they mean? Was he being as honest and raw as I was? Who was he singing them to? Ben?

I lifted my head to look at him, and our eyes met across the short distance separating us.

“This is so fucked up,” he muttered. “I said it’s hard to accept that I could care about another man that way. But it’s even harder to accept that I could be in love
with two people
.”

My heart stopped beating. My breathing suspended. My head went light. “What?”

A million questions backed up in my brain. I thought I’d figured it all out, but he was messing with my mind now.

He came closer and to my shock, he went to his knees on the floor in front of me. He slid my butt around on the stool so I faced him. “I have to tell you this. Everything’s gotten all fucked up. I don’t know what to do. But I have to tell you. I love you. I’ve loved you forever.” His eyes closed then, lines of agony drawing his brows together and turning down the corners of his mouth.

He loved me. Oh god, he loved me. But . . . “But . . . Ben—?”

He opened his eyes and met mine. “I love you,” he repeated, confusing me even more. “But I . . . I apparently have feelings for Ben too. But Christ, he was so pissed off when he left. I know he thought I was rejecting him, that I was denying how I felt for him.”

I held his gaze. “Weren’t you?”

“No!” He squeezed his eyes shut, his face contorted into lines of misery. He pulled me off the piano stool and onto his lap, wrapping his arms around me, his body vibrating with emotion. “Christ, I fucked up.”

I had to touch Lucas. Confusion swirled inside me, but I lifted my hand and pressed my palm to his cheek.

I loved Lucas. And Ben. Lucas loved me. And Ben. Ben . . . loved Lucas. My heart squeezed. What was the solution to this fucking mess?
Was
there a solution? How on earth could we stay together and make music after all this?

My body felt heavy and tired and achy. It was too much for me to deal with.

I pressed my face into Lucas’s neck. “I want to get drunk.”

I felt his body shake, and I pulled back to see that he was laughing. His silent laugh turned into a groan as he pulled my head back to his shoulder. “Yeah. Me too.”

But neither of us moved to get up. We sat on the hardwood floor in the dining room, next to my piano in the silent house, which was dark other than the floor lamp in here and the twinkling Christmas lights in the living room. I was grateful that I wasn’t alone, but sad that Lucas wasn’t home with his family for Christmas, and worried about where Ben was.

Merry effing Christmas.

And then the
beep-beep-beep
of the alarm system broke the quiet as a door opened. Both our heads jerked up. The front door shut and quiet footsteps slapped on the hardwood floor. Ben walked into the living room, looked around, and then spotted us on the floor through the French doors. He stopped.

We all went statue still. Ben took in our position. I couldn’t see his face in the dark.

Lucas and I looked from Ben to one another. Now it was our turn to share one of those wordless glances.

Ben spoke first, his voice uneven. “I see you found her.”

“Yeah.”

“You okay, Haylee?”

“Um. I’m not really sure.”

“Thanks for letting me know she’s okay.” Ben gave Lucas a glare laced with bitterness.

Lucas sighed. “I just got home myself.”

Lucas and I let go of each other, and I slid off Lucas’s lap and rose to my feet. Lucas stood at the same time, reaching out a hand to help me. He slid an arm around my waist.

Ben’s gaze dropped to where Lucas embraced me. “You two have apparently talked.”

“Yeah.”

“You want me to leave? I mean leave the house. Leave the group. Fuck.” Ben rubbed his eyes. “I shouldn’t have come back.”

My heart was pounding wildly. “No, Ben. Don’t go. We all need to talk. And maybe
I’m
the one who’ll be leaving.”

“No.” They said it in unison. Lucas’s voice was sharp, and his hand tightened on my hip.

My eyes flew to Ben’s face. We stared at each other.

“Haylee.” He let out a long exhalation.

Lucas’s fingers dug into my side. “Earlier. I told you I heard her. She got the wrong idea. And so did you.”

“Well, fucking explain it to me, then!” Ben’s hands curled into fists. “Tell me why your tongue was down my throat one minute and the next you were shoving me away like I repulsed you!”

I turned my gaze to Lucas. I wanted to know the answer to that too.

“Shit.” Lucas scrubbed a hand over his face. “I was going to explain it to you, but you got all pissed off.”

“Explain it now!”

Tension vibrated around us, and my stomach knotted up. I divided a look between them and sank my teeth into my bottom lip.

Lucas sucked in a breath. “I only pushed you away because I wanted Haylee to be there too.” He focused on me. “I wanted it, but I couldn’t do it without you there. I felt like it was cheating on you.”

I blinked at him. I tried to breathe, but my lungs felt burning hot. “Cheating on me?”

“Yeah. I know it’s crazy. I don’t get it either, believe me. I just . . . I’ve wanted you for so long, Haylee. And then I finally had you . . . with Ben. I can’t tell you how fucking amazing that was. Finally. I was with you. I was going for it, pushing you to do it again. And again. And then I realized . . .” He turned his gaze toward Ben. “I want you too, Ben. But I couldn’t do it. It felt like there needed to be all three of us there. I was trying to tell you that, but you didn’t get it. I mean, I guess I didn’t explain it very well. God help me, I love you both. I need you both. I needed you both to be there for that.”

“Fuck,” Ben breathed. “Seriously?”

Lucas nodded.

Ben’s eyes closed. “I thought you were rejecting me.” I could barely hear Ben’s low, rough tone. “Because—because you didn’t want me. I thought I fucked everything up. By telling you how I felt about you. I was so pissed off at you. I could tell you wanted me too, and you were fucking denying it, pushing me away.” He shook his head. “I always screw up anything good that happens to me, but this was the worst.”