Three Women (16 page)

She could see the confusion on her younger daughter’s face. Their relationship was a bit tumultuous, to say the least. Having a moody teenage daughter who wanted to be left alone and veered between being melancholic and aloof and crazy-happy was challenging to say the least. Aisling was totally different to both of her brothers, who might wreck and mess the house but never wrecked her head the way her daughter did.

‘You okay, Mum?’

‘I’m fine,’ she said, ‘fine … Can’t I hug you if I feel like it?’

Ash looked perplexed. ‘You are still coming into Mr Costello’s with me, Mum, aren’t you?’

‘Yes.’ She knew Aisling hated the orthodontist who had fitted her braces, which at this stage needed adjusting every three months, and who always seemed to be fiddling with her mouth.

‘You won’t let him torture me?’

‘I won’t, promise.’

Driving along the Malahide Road, Kate realized that something had changed. The strange feeling of constant fear and dread she always carried seemed to have lightened, almost melted away. Her head felt clearer – it was almost exhilarating.

She had expected something awful, catastrophic to happen if she ever met Erin, but it had been totally different from what she had anticipated. Emotional and challenging, but not in a bad way. Despite totally ignoring her wishes and her request to the adoption agency, Erin had no agenda. She hadn’t come to wreak revenge on Kate, to try to make her feel even more
guilty
than she already felt. Her daughter had simply wanted to meet her – and she was so glad that it had happened.

Today she had been given a gift she had never expected.

After dinner she left Paddy and the kids to pack up the dishwasher and tidy up.

‘I have to go over to Sally’s for a while,’ she announced. ‘I’ll be home later.’

Paddy was working tonight, but she just wanted to get out of the house away from everyone before she blurted it all out. She had texted Sally briefly to say she had some very big news and would come over to tell her. She knew her sister would be bursting with curiosity and just couldn’t wait to tell her that somehow or other a miracle had happened and Erin had come back into her life.

‘
MUM I MET
Kate today. She’s lovely. Talk to you later!
’

Nina read Erin’s text message over and over again. So a meeting had obviously finally happened. She wondered which of them had instigated it this time. Wherever it was, it had obviously gone well. So much for hoping that it would never happen! It sounded mean, but she’d been certain that there would never be a possibility of Erin wanting ever to see this Kate woman again after what she had done. But there it was on her phone: Erin thought the woman was lovely … She couldn’t deny the pang of extreme jealousy she felt.

Tom was away in Sheffield on business, so unfortunately she was on her own. She couldn’t sit staring at the four walls feeling like this; she had to get out of the house, go for a walk, get the absurd feeling of absolute betrayal she felt out of her system. Fresh air and exercise always made her feel better.

She put on her trainers and her light fleece jacket. Bailey was lolling somewhere around the place and she grabbed his lead from the hook in the kitchen and called his name. The old
dog
was getting a bit deaf and she found him sitting in his bed inside the cluttered TV den, snoring.

‘Bailey, do you want to come for a walk?’

Seeing the lead, his tail immediately began to wag and he lumbered out of the bed.

‘Good boy,’ she said, slipping his lead on.

It was bright but chilly outside and she zipped up her jacket. She’d head for Killiney and give him a run on the beach. This time of day it should be pretty empty, she thought, as she walked briskly along, feeling her tension ease.

The tide was in and the waves were choppy, dashing against the stones on the beach, in and out, with their constant sound. Bailey barked at one or two seagulls and went down and snuffled at the water, getting his lower body wet. Labradors sure had a thing about water of any sort and she pulled him out, stepping out of the way as he shook himself off.

In the distance the huge ferry disappeared from the horizon as it made its way across the Irish Sea to Holyhead. She watched an elderly couple walk along hand in hand in a companionable silence, and a mother trying to manage a stroppy toddler further up along. She had spent so much time down here with Erin and Jack when they were younger … Where had the time gone?

It was a beautiful day; only a few clouds in the sky, with the early June sunshine glinting through and warming her. She loved it here and drank in the magnificent views of Dublin Bay. They lived on the south side of the bay; Dublin city itself was in the middle of the bay and on the far side, the north side, were Clontarf, Sutton, Howth and Malahide.

She’d always hoped that Erin’s birth mother might have moved back to the country, or that she now lived in another
county
, or even country. But when Erin had told her that she had somehow uncovered Kate’s married name and discovered that she lived literally across Dublin Bay from them, on the other side of the city, it was bloody awkward. Two women connected, but not connected at all; their lives lived opposite each other, one northside, one southside, with only a few miles between them across the bay.

She walked along the shore with Bailey beside her, watching the waves come in and out rhythmically, timeless, soothing and calming. She sat for a while on the old wall that led down near the beach, then, realizing that the sky was beginning to darken a bit, she set off up the beach. And as she went an idea came into her head and, quickening her pace, she headed home.

With Tom in the UK, and Jack staying in Pixie’s place tonight, Nina had the house to herself. She made herself a cup of tea and put some dog food down for Bailey. Grabbing a sketchpad from the pile on the dresser, she began to work, excited as the first picture began to take shape on the page. The seashore and a simple house on the beach, a path of cockleshells, lobsterpots by the door, a window that would catch the light of glimmering blue in the distance …

She was in her study, immersed in her drawing, when Erin phoned. She stopped and took a deep breath, moving to sit down in the big squashy brown chair as Erin took her step by step through her first time meeting with Kate Cassidy.

‘Mum, you won’t believe it, but we have the same colour eyes, and freckles on our nose. We both are allergic to penicillin and the smell of heavy perfumes makes us cough.’

Nina listened quietly, trying to take it all in. A sinking
feeling
enveloped her as her daughter excitedly told her every detail about her newly discovered mother.

‘Kate’s a bit smaller than me, and I suppose kind of young-looking and pretty fashionable. She was wearing leggings and boots and a cool Zara top.’

‘She sounds lovely, like you said.’ Nina tried her best not to sound the way she felt.

‘I asked her about my father and what happened between them and she told me all about how their relationship didn’t work out. Mum, it was great seeing her … seeing someone that I resemble and just looking at the photos of her kids in her sitting room. I think that I’m quite like Kevin, her second guy.’

‘Erin, I’m so glad meeting her went well, truly I am.’

‘Mum, I only stayed for about two hours because Kate had to go and collect Aisling from school, but I’m hoping that maybe we will meet again – but I don’t know.’

‘Why don’t you come over here tonight, Erin? I can take something out of the freezer or cook up some pasta and you can tell me all about this meeting with her?’

‘I’m dying to see you, Mum, but I’m knackered,’ replied Erin. ‘I think that I was so stressed out about the whole thing that it’s hit me now. I haven’t slept the past few nights and I just want to heat up something quick and easy here and crash. Luke said he might call in for half an hour. So if it’s okay, can I come over tomorrow after work?’

‘That sounds perfect, love,’ said Nina brightly, ‘absolutely perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow then.’

She put the phone down. The change had already started. Kate Cassidy was back in her daughter’s life and there was absolutely nothing that she could do about it.

She sat there for what seemed like an hour, gathering herself,
listening
to her breath and the regular beating of her heart. Becoming a mother changed you; it was such an overwhelming force that seemed to invade and take over every space inside you – head, heart, lungs, ribs and even the very soul, that intense love for your child that nothing could tear from you or remove bit by bit because it was indelibly bound to every cell in your body. As long as she was alive it was there, a part of her that could never, ever be removed and destroyed. No matter what Kate Cassidy did or said, she could not take that from her.

NINA WAS SO
relieved that tom had managed to get home from England before Erin came for dinner that she hugged him madly when he came through the front door.

‘Erin will be here soon,’ she said. ‘She’s coming over to tell us all about how her meeting with her birth mother went yesterday.’

‘And how did it go?’ he asked, as he dumped his case in the bedroom and changed into his cords and a navy sweater.

‘Very well. The two of them apparently immediately hit it off. They seem to be quite alike and Erin really likes her,’ she said, her voice wobbling.

‘Nina, you cannot be like this when Erin tells us,’ he warned sternly. ‘Erin’s got to think that we are a hundred per cent behind her on this, ready to back her up on whatever she does and there to catch her if the whole thing goes wrong. Do you hear me?’

‘Yes,’ she nodded.

‘A hundred per cent behind her – agreed?’

‘Agreed.’

* * *

Nina had made a chicken casserole and somehow managed to force herself to pick at it, but she had absolutely no appetite. She could see how excited Erin was as she gave them a blow-by-blow account of arriving at the Cassidys’ house unannounced and meeting her Kate for the first time. She listened as Erin told them all about her natural mother’s reaction to first seeing her and almost every word that she had said.

‘Mum, I know that you and Dad would really like her,’ she smiled, ‘because she’s a bit like me.’

‘And of course we love you!’ said Tom.

‘Yes, Dad,’ she replied, hugging him tight.

Nina felt like a part of her gut was clenched shut as she tried to appear normal when all she wanted to do was scream ‘
Stop talking about her at my table – our family table!
’

‘I only had barely two hours with her, as she had to go out to collect Aisling – I suppose she’s kind of my half-sister. Her family don’t know anything about me and she doesn’t want to tell them. I guess she’s still ashamed of having me.’

Nina didn’t know what to say. She’d kill Kate Cassidy if she hurt her daughter, she really would.

‘Will you be seeing her again, Erin?’ Tom asked, pouring them all another glass of wine.

‘I hope so … I know I landed myself, just turning up at her house the way I did, but maybe the next time we can arrange to meet properly and spend more time together.’ Erin sounded a lot less confident about it than they expected.

‘At least you two have finally met,’ Nina said slowly. ‘You have seen and talked to the mother that gave birth to you and she has met her beautiful daughter and no one can take that away from either of you.’

‘Oh Mum, what a lovely thing to say.’ Erin’s eyes welled with tears. ‘Thanks for being so understanding about what I’m going through. I don’t know what I’d do if I hadn’t got you and Dad.’

‘We’re here, and we are always here for you, Erin,’ Tom said firmly. ‘We are your parents, remember that and that parenthood is a lot more than biology.’

‘I know that, Dad. And I’m so glad that I was raised by you and Mum. I like Kate, but I couldn’t imagine growing up with her around. I wouldn’t be the same person.’

Nina couldn’t believe how mature and sensitive Erin was becoming. She was the one being stupid and feeling so threatened, when really Kate Cassidy was more wrapped up in her own family and had scant interest in her long-lost daughter turning up. Relief washed over her – Erin wasn’t going anywhere. She was here at home with them where she was meant to be.

KATE COULD NOT
believe the change that meeting Erin had wrought in her life. Nothing was the same. She had talked it over with Sally and her sister had been so supportive.

‘I won’t say, “I told you so”, but I did tell you so – that it would be okay! That the world was not going to come crashing down if your daughter discovered you or met you!’ said Sally, wrapping her in her arms while Kate bawled her eyes out crying. ‘You have held it all in for so long, Kate, buried what you must have been feeling. You have to let it go. I’m here and I don’t mind – that’s what us big sisters are for!’

Afterwards she had felt so much better. The relief was immense and she did not understand how she had carried the secrecy and weight of it for so long. She could finally put her burden down.

‘You will meet her again!’ insisted Sally. ‘You do realize how much courage it must have taken for her to come to your house after the last time?’

‘I know, but I have to think of Paddy and Aisling and the
boys
. What would they think? The boys will probably think I was a slapper—’

‘Kate! Stop that! Your sons would not dream of thinking anything like that about their mother, you know they wouldn’t!’

‘Paddy would be devastated. He never asks me about the past or going out with Johnny, we never talk about it. Can you imagine his reaction if he finds out that I had a baby? It would destroy him … destroy us.’

‘Why do you always underestimate him, Kate? I warned you when you married him that it was too soon, that maybe you were only marrying him on the rebound after Johnny, looking for a safety net after all that had happened, but I was wrong. Paddy is so good for you, sometimes I don’t even know if you realize it. Do you think something that happened over twenty-six years ago is going to wreck a good marriage?’