Tiberius (28 page)

Naturally I refused his generous self-sacrifice, and assured him I could not do without him.

"I rely utterly on Drusus in some matters, and on you, dear boy, in others," I said. "I have told Drusus this, and advised him not to listen to those who have poisoned his mind against you."

Sejanus wiped a tear from his eye.

"I am more moved by your confidence in me than I can say. But your trust emboldens me to add something which I would prefer not to feel obliged to tell you. All is not well between Drusus and Julia Livilla. That noble lady has confided her distress to my own dear wife, Apicata. She says that since the death of one of the twins, Drusus has turned his face against her. In particular she is distressed that he denies her his bedchamber, summoning in her stead the eunuch Lygdus. I would not mention something which is bound to pain you, if I did not hope that, fortified by the knowledge, you might find the means to set things right."

I was touched by his innocent confidence in my abilities, but I did nothing. Bitter experience has taught me that neither prudence, a sense of decency, nor advantage, can overcome sexual repugnance or check the direction of lust.

These were distractions, but the business of government was incessant. I strove to make the Senate true partners in the state again, and insisted that I was, at most, first among equals. When one obsequious fellow had the ill-taste to address me as "My Lord and Master" I warned him never to insult me in such manner again. I referred all public business to the Senate, including much that Augustus had been accustomed to handle himself, and asked for the Senate's advice in every matter that concerned the national revenue, the allocation of monopolies, and the construction or repair of public buildings. I even consulted them about the recruitment and discharge of soldiers, the stationing of legions and auxiliaries, the extension of military commands, the selection of generals, and how to answer letters which I had received from foreign potentates; all matters which Augustus had reserved to himself. I encouraged argument in the Senate and assured its members that "When a right-minded and true-hearted statesman has had as much sovereign power placed in his hands as you have put in mine, he should regard himself as the servant of the Senate; and often of the people as a whole, and even of private citizens too."

These were not mere words, spoken for show. On the contrary; I was pleased when decisions were taken in defiance of my wishes, and abstained from complaint, even when I knew I was right and the majority wrong. Once for example I had insisted that city magistrates should be resident throughout their term of office, but the Senate permitted a praetor to travel to Africa, and even paid his expenses. Moreover, I allowed the senators to disregard my advice if they chose to do so. When, for example, Manius Aemilius Lepidus was proposed as Governor of Asia, Sextus Pompeius Tertius declared that he was quite unfit for the post, being, as he said, "a lazy degenerate pauper". I didn't altogether disagree with Pompey and let my feelings be known. Nevertheless I acquiesced in the Senate's decision to appoint Lepidus, believing that this display of independence was valuable in itself.

In other matters, however, I was sceptical of the Senate's zeal. One year, for instance, the aediles urged me to speak out against extravagance. There was a great cry in the Senate that laws against lavish expenditure were disregarded, and that consequently food prices were increasing daily. I was aware of this and deplored it. I tried to set an example of austerity, on one occasion serving up a half-side of boar at dinner, for instance, and remarking that it tasted just as good as the other side. But I knew that such laws, like those against sexual immorality, were unavailing. Frugality and chastity used to prevail because people had self-control. Law is incompetent in regulating moral behaviour. The remedy lies with the individual. If we are decent, then we behave well; if we are not, we shall always find some means of gratifying sordid and discreditable passions.

Nothing caused me more trouble in these years than the flood of accusations brought by informers. Even when the charges which they laid were well founded, the general consequence was despicable. Rome was in danger of becoming a city where every man spied on another, and no man dared trust his neighbour. I did what I could to check them. When two members of the equestrian order, Considius Aequus and Caelius Cursor, accused the praetor Magius Caecilianus of treason, I not only saw to it that the charges were dismissed but also had the accusers heavily fined. I hoped that if men realised that an accusation might involve them in financial loss, this would make the hope of profit from a successful charge somewhat less alluring. Alas, I underestimated men's cupidity and talent for self-deception. Accusations of one sort or another, many ridiculous, continued to flood in. One result of this was the demand from the Senate that candidates for public office, especially provincial governorships, should be more closely scrutinised, and that those rumoured to be of scandalous life should be excluded. One senator urged that the emperor alone should judge this matter. Superficially, this had something to commend it, but the proposal was fundamentally flawed. I was not prepared to accept such a burden, and argued instead that an emperor's knowledge cannot be all-embracing. "If you adopt this scheme," I said, "then you will merely encourage slanders and scurrilous rumours, as intriguers try to influence my choice. The law is concerned only with acts which have been committed. What will be done is unknown. Many governors have belied either hopes or fears; responsibility stimulates some natures and blunts others. You cannot judge a man in advance. Besides, I ask you to reflect on this. Emperors have enough burdens already - and quite enough power. Strengthen the executive and you weaken the law. That is a fundamental principle of politics. When it is possible to act according to due legal process, then the exercise of official authority is a mistake."

I believed that then; I believe it still. Yet the nature of man is such that the very people who clamour for action on the part of the government are among the first to deplore it — whenever that action appears to affect their own interests.

The longer I exercised the supreme authority, the harder it became for me to know the truth of any matter. I was learning the horrid isolation of office. No man addressed me without his own interest in mind. No man therefore spoke to me in open honesty. If anyone brought me a story which reflected ill on someone else, I had to ask myself what my informant hoped to gain, by what greed or resentment he was animated, and estimate this, before I could consider the objective truth of what he told me. Moreover, I learned that, even when not actuated by malice, men were inclined to say to me only what I wished to hear. It was on account of his freedom from these vices that I valued Sejanus, as Augustus had valued Agrippa. Sejanus, I believed, was not afraid to speak the truth, and since I was confident that he had no ambition to be more than he was, and was moreover imbued with feelings of affection for me, I trusted the advice he offered.

Throughout this time I was disturbed by the hostility which I knew that Agrippina entertained for me. I did all that was possible, all within my power, to appease it. I took her sons under my personal protection. There were three: Nero, Drusus and Caligula. None was altogether satisfactory. Nero had been a delightful small boy, intelligent, quick-witted, and possessed of a lightness of spirit that seemed to owe nothing to his parents. Indeed, in looks he resembled his grandmother Julia - he had her suddenly joyous smile, and her way also of pouting his lips when displeased. Germanicus had been inclined to be severe with him and, after her husband's death, Agrippina tried to force her eldest son to assume a responsibility against which his nature rebelled. She would berate him furiously whenever he fell below the impossible standard she demanded; this was in contrast to her treatment of the other boys whom she spoiled outrageously. Perhaps in reaction, perhaps in response to the deepest impulses of his nature, Nero took refuge in absurd affectations of manner, which, as he approached what should have been manhood, resolved itself into a blatant and degraded effeminacy: he painted his lips and eyelids, rouged his cheeks, daubed himself with Syrian scent, and was said to wear silk undergarments. At the baths, as a boy of fourteen or fifteen, he would ogle senators, and invite them into his cubicle. Naturally enough many were sufficiently allured by this pretty and dissolute child to risk immoral association with a member of the imperial family. To avoid embarrassment, I asked Drusus to reprove him; Nero then attempted to seduce his uncle. At the age of seventeen he fell madly in love with an actor, who was so notorious a pederast that he had once been pelted with dung in the street. I put a stop to that by sending the comedian into exile. But I continued to receive reports that made it quite clear that Nero was incorrigible.

All the same I persevered. I was, I admit, susceptible myself to the boy's undoubted charm. My heart softened when I saw in his gestures the Julia who had entranced me. There was even, I felt, a certain gallantry in his debauched behaviour; it was a response to an innate misery. He was never malicious, and in the right mood his wit flashed radiantly forth. Nevertheless he presented a problem. When he appeared in the imperial box at the games, a section of the crowd, which did not share the sentimental attachment to Germanicus' family which was common, would be sure to yell insults at him such as "fairy prince", "ganymede" and "pansy". On account of the rouge, you couldn't tell whether he blushed to hear himself so mocked. My mother, who detested him, refused to attend the games in his company. My only pleasure was to see Agrippina bite her lip to restrain her fury.

His brother Drusus loathed him also. Drusus was a prig, like his father Germanicus, and with none of the charm which Nero had inherited from Julia, and perhaps also from his great
-
grandfather Mark Antony. Drusus was mean, jealous and scheming. None of this showed in his looks - in this respect, he took after his grandfather Agrippa. Drusus was a consummate hypocrite, so accomplished that he deceived me for years. He was also intensely ambitious, and realising that the path to power lay through my favour, set himself to win my regard. This disturbed Agrippina, and I had reports of terrible quarrels between them. Eventually, however, he persuaded her that he was insincere in the court he paid me. When she warned him not to trust me, he looked her in the eye, and said, "Believe me, mother, I could never trust a man responsible for the murder of my father and for insults such as those he has directed against you." Yet the very same day, he would approach me with protestations of devotion and, more to the point, with requests for advice about affairs of state and the art of war, for, he said, "None knows better than I the value of your experience as Rome's greatest general, and hence I am eager to sit at your feet." Drusus was always quick to inform me of Nero's latest extravagances of behaviour, always, of course, shaking his head with pretended sorrow. "I really don't understand how my brother can allow creatures like X or Y to take such liberties with him. I'm afraid he must be deranged." It was fortunate that Sejanus supplied me with this information which led me to discern Drusus' true and untrustworthy character.

As for the youngest of the boys, Gaius Caligula, he was simply abhorrent. I have never myself liked gladiator shows, and would willingly ban them if the people would accept such a deprivation of pleasure, but even men who delighted in them were disgusted by the relish with which Caligula would view cruelty and death, even as a child. To see a boy of ten lick his lips at the sight of blood and squirm as if experiencing an orgasm in his enjoyment of the pain of unfortunate men was disgusting.

"A fine family," I often thought. "I thank the gods that Drusus and his son stand between them and power."

6

A
nd then Drusus fell ill. He complained of lassitude and frequent bouts of nausea. His limbs ached and felt heavy. The merest motion was torture to him. I brought doctors hastening from Corinth and Alexandria to supplement the skills already resident in Rome. It was useless. Daily I watched my son weaken; daily I saw his appetite for life ebb away. In these circumstances even Sejanus was no comfort to me. Though I trusted him absolutely, I could not help reflecting that he would not mourn my son's death. I could not tolerate the company of Drusus' wife, Julia Livilla, for her indifference to her husband's condition was all too obvious. The eunuch Lygdus tended his master with sedulous care; one morning I found him in floods of bitter tears because Drusus had had a bad night, and I was not so cynical as to suppose that he was weeping merely because he feared to lose a master who loved him. My mother brought me no comfort either; old age had transported her to a realm where present griefs meant little. She irritated me by talking all the time about the joy which Agrippina would feel at Drusus' death. Curiously, my only solace came from young Nero Caesar. Though he was unable to cast aside his effeminate affectations, he nevertheless possessed an imaginative sympathy which let him understand my misery. Others reproached me — behind my back, but not without my knowledge - because I continued to attend the Senate throughout the long and wretched course of my son's illness; Nero, meeting me as I returned one morning from the Curia, embraced me with a spontaneous tenderness, and said: "At the moment you must feel that work and responsibility alone give your life any meaning." Then he stroked my cheek saying, "But I wish you could weep for Drusus, for your own sake." Strangely,

I was irritated neither by his tears nor by the scent of bergamot with which he had bedewed himself. I could find no words to thank him. I embraced the boy, holding him close a long minute, drawing strength and comfort from his youth and sympathy.