Tiddly Jinx (5 page)

My fingers went back to the rope and Gram licked her lips, still focused on the book. I hesitated. “Should I do this somewhere else? I don’t want to tempt you.”

She nodded, tearing her eyes away from the book on my lap. “That might be for the best.”

In my entire human life, I’d never seen anything affect my grandma quite like this—that scared me more than her warnings. I chewed on my bottom lip. If this stained my soul in some way, would it hurt the baby, too? Also, was this something I should wait to do until Cheney and I stepped down? The last thing we needed was for me to be evil
and
in power. Obviously, I had to do it before the wedding—

“There’s more you haven’t told me, isn’t there, child?”

I half snorted and half laughed, pulling back from my thoughts. “There’s always more. One thing never goes wrong at a time.”

She looked at me inquisitively.

I considered my words carefully, not sure how much I wanted to reveal. There was little doubt in my mind that we would eventually mend our relationship and perhaps have a stronger one than we ever had before, but as much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t quite there. “If I’m bonded to someone or carry another life with me, how would this work? Would my casting hurt them, too?”

“You are worried for Cheney? You haven’t renewed the bond yet, have you?”

“No. But he is pushing for as soon as possible. Also, I’m worried about what would happen if I go full-on Darth Vader while I am still queen of the fae.”

She turned to the shelf behind her and rifled through a few books before she found what she was looking for. “A magical bond connects life forces. They can extend or shorten lives and they tie two lives together in such a way not to be broken by death. When one dies, so will the other, but the bond won’t end there. It will keep manifesting in each new life. The souls will always find their way back to one another. A magical replication of soul mates—some believe that all soul mates start with a similar bond in a past life, but it is debatable. In some instances the bond may manifest itself as shared emotions, physical pain, and occasionally a telepathic link, but those instances are rare. I don’t see anything that would make me believe that an injury to your soul would harm the other’s. You were bonded with Cheney before. Did you share any of that with him?”

“I couldn’t hear his thoughts or anything. I just felt pain when we weren’t together.” I mulled over what she said. “So if I bond with him, then his life will always be tied to mine, even in the next life?”

She reread the passage to herself. “This isn’t an exact science. It is hard to study multiple lives. What it is proposing is that forming a magical bond in one life will create a soul mate in the next. But who knows if that is true. There are people of the opposite camp who think that once you both die then that’s it.”

“I’ve seen the underworld. I am not sure I can believe in reincarnation. Who’s to say once we die that we get the chance to come back?”

She smiled gently. “These are mysteries far older than me and out of my depth. I don’t have answers for you.” She patted my knee. “But who’s to say when you make it through the atonement for the sins of one life, you do not begin another? Perhaps we have endless opportunities to do it right the next time.”

I couldn’t imagine Charon using the Pole to send people back. Purgatory seemed endless.

“These are not questions we will find answers to today. As for your other concern, there isn’t much to be done about it. You’re the queen of the fae, and that isn’t likely to go away anytime soon since you are marrying the Erlking. If you turn dark, you will have to be dealt with. I recommend that you not have the wedding first, in case they need to…”

“Kill me?”

She nodded. “It might be the only choice. Would you rather he let you terrorize the world?”

I shook my head, but I knew for a fact Cheney would never kill me, no matter how evil I became. Neither would Sy for that matter. There was only one person I could count on to do the right thing if the situation came down to that: Sebastian. It wasn’t fair to ask it of him, but he would see the bigger picture. That was why Sebastian and I became friends to begin with. He was always willing to do what had to be done. He was good at making tough decisions and sticking to them. “I’ll make the arrangements before I open the book.”

“That’s wise.” She let out a heavy breath. “I’ll keep searching for another way.”

I nodded and stood with the book safely tucked under my arm. “Thank you.”

“Be careful.”

I stooped over and gave her a hug. “Do you need help up?”

She laughed. “No. I think I can still manage.”

I took a step back from her, preparing to transport.

“Selene—” I looked down. “Could you stay for a while? I know you are busy, but…”

I understood what she wanted: a chance to make peace, to get to know each other again—or maybe for the first time. Our entire past was built on secrets, lies, and head-butting. I closed my eyes for a moment. Forgiveness didn’t come as easy as walking away for me—maybe didn’t for anyone. I looked down at the jeans I was wearing, a reminder of the changes I needed to make in my own life. I was far from perfect. If wearing more pants would keep me from getting stuck wearing a dress in Hell again, then maybe hearing Gram out would help me forgive her and start healing both of our souls.

She wasn’t getting any younger, either. If she ended up in purgatory, I didn’t want them to use me—our relationship—against her. I hoped to change my own purgatory before I went back, so maybe I owed her the chance to absolve herself of the guilt she felt. I nodded. “What did you have in mind?”

After an entire morning and afternoon of talking with Gram in front of the fireplace and sipping tea, I transported back to the castle grounds. My heart felt lighter in a way that was hard to describe. I didn’t technically have time to spend an afternoon chatting, but I was glad I’d done it anyway.

I glanced at my watch. There was one person I needed to see before I looked for Cheney: Sebastian. After questioning a few guards, I found him sitting in the gardens alone staring at a spot on the ground like it meant something to him. I sat next to him on the bench, setting the book on the other side of me, but didn’t say anything. His peaceful meditation seemed wrong to disrupt. He finally looked over at me.

“You need a favor.”

“Do you read minds now?” I asked.

He gave me a level look. “The only time you are considerate of other people is when you need something from them.”

I was mildly insulted. Generally I thought of myself as a considerate person, but maybe Sebastian had a point. “I’m sorry if I’ve treated you like that, Sebastian.”

His eyes narrowed. “It must be bad.”

I shook my head. “No—well yes. The favor is bad, but my apology has nothing to do with that. I’m simply apologizing. In purgatory I learned some things about myself that I don’t really like. If I get the chance, I would like to work on changing them. Manipulating you and others is one of those things I would like to stop doing.”
Even if it makes me feel in control and powerful
, I thought.

His silver eyes softened. “That wasn’t how I meant it. I apologize too. I am weary.” He stared at the spot again.

I hooked my arm through his and laid my head on his shoulder. He seemed to need a friend right now. “What happened there?” I asked, looking at the same spot.

“I got to talk to Bella last night. Really talk to her in a way I never could when she was alive , but it didn’t make a difference. She is still gone today. Emotions are strange, useless things, aren’t they?”

I squeezed his arm tighter, but didn’t say anything for quite a while. “You loved her.”

He cleared his throat. “It hardly matters now. Life can be cruel and short, even for an elf. Perhaps we waste too much time hiding from our emotions. Perhaps we would all be better off if we lived life a little more like you.”

I shook my head. “Oh, don’t wish that on people. I never manage to do anything right.”

“Is it more important to do things right or experience life at its fullest?”

Apparently we were all feeling a tad philosophical today. “Surely there’s a happy medium.”

After a few moments he ventured on. “I take it Cheney is unaware of this favor you are going to ask when you build your courage to do so? Our friendship will not survive another betrayal. It barely survived the last.”

I really didn’t want to ask him to do this, but we didn’t have a lot of options and time wasn’t exactly on our side. “I wish things were different.”

“Then don’t ask me. Find another way.” He sounded so tired and worn down. “I have never been able to say no to you, Selene. If we were ever friends, you will not ask another favor of me today.”

Tears caught in my throat, making it burn. I tried to think of anyone else I could count on to do what needed to be done, but all my other friends would be sentimental. Sebastian was pragmatic. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, “but I have to.”

He sighed. “Isn’t that always the case? Your lot in life is to have nothing but bad decisions before you. What is it this time? Do you want to become a changeling again? Run away with a dwarf? The baby isn’t Cheney’s? What matter of betrayal do you expect from me this time?”

I repressed the hurt I felt at his words. Obviously Sebastian wasn’t in a good place at the moment, and what I was going to say wasn’t going to make it better. “I want you to kill me.”

Sebastian went completely still and turned to me slowly. “Could you repeat that?”

“To find the Pole I have to use dark magic. Using dark magic even once could possibly corrode my soul into something unrecognizable as me. If that happens, we both know that Cheney will not be able to take the necessary steps. He won’t be able to kill me, and neither will Sy. I need to know someone will do it.” I swallowed against the tightness in my throat. “I need you to be my failsafe.”

“I can’t,” Sebastian whispered. “I don’t want to.”

“Please, Sebastian. I know what it will do to Cheney and to your friendship with him, but it’s better than letting me wreak havoc on the Abyss—we both know what sort of damage I could do. I would rather be dead than a monster. It would destroy Sy. I’d ask him, but I honestly don’t think he could go through with it.”

He pulled away from me, his eyes flashing. “What it will do to Cheney? What it will do to Sy? What about what it will do to me? You’re my
friend
, Selene. I have risked everything for you time and time again. Why is it never enough? Why am I always the one who’s alone? Always the one left to clean up?” He stood up abruptly. “You fell in love with Cheney and Jaron, though you couldn’t tell either of them the truth. I was the only one who knew everything, but you never loved me enough not to put me in one bad situation after another. Everything is always about other people. What about my feelings?”

“You’re in love with
me
?”

“ARE YOU REALLY GOING to step down as Erlking?”

Lily and I had sifted through most of the debris and saved another jinni. They were both good workers, but kept to themselves. They undoubtedly were listening to our conversations and filing away information that could be used later. It was the nature of the jinn.

“I’ll do whatever I need to do to make my relationship with Selene work. Being Erlking and starting a family are impossible to do well at the same time.”

“You guys are thinking about having kids?”

I smiled. “We’re having a child. A daughter.”

Lily blinked a couple times, giving me a look. “That’s fast considering the condition she was in yesterday.”

“She was the same yesterday as she is today. The situation didn’t change anything.”

Lily nodded. “So I’m going to be an aunt?”

“If you want to be.”

She squatted down to lift a table up. “And what if the people elect someone who isn’t going to embrace other races like you and Selene do?”

I gave her a helpless gesture. “That’s their choice.”

“So you would let your daughter grow up in a world that believes that she will never be good enough for the society in which you were raised? She will always be an outsider.”