'Til Death (7 page)

He sighed into my neck, and I felt his seed being released into me. I let mine go, and we stayed like that for a while. Boan carried me back to the sink and grabbed some paper towels to clean himself up. I did the same.

              "What does this mean?" I asked Boan.

He looked at me, then looked away. "What you mean?" Boan asked.

I pulled up my leggings and fixed my clothes and hair. "I mean, are we back together?"

              "No." Boan voice was deep and monotone, not evening explain his reasoning.

              "No? What the hell you mean, “
No
”?"

              "Look Ciara, I’m sexually attracted to you. I want to fuck you because you got the best pussy I ever had. But that love is out the window. We gone get a divorce and go our separate ways."

              "But . . . I love you. I’m in love with you, I need you Boan. Please, can we at least try to work it out please?" I felt the tears sliding down my face but I didn’t care. I couldn’t let this man go.

              "Naw. That sound like a personal problem. I don’t need you. I never did. I’m done with you, so stop acting like you my good devoted wife when you haven’t been anything but a bitch for the nine years we were together. And two years out of that nine, I wasn't even in Michigan because of you," Boan said, while looking at me.

I broke out into a sob. I was sobbing in front of him. I felt my knees buckle and I clenched the sink. My heart was literally breaking, and I couldn’t take it.

              "Ciara?" Boan said softly. I ran out of the bathroom.

              "Yo!" Lo grabbed my arm and pulled me towards her. Culprit was looking confused and Tosh rubbed my back.

              "Just take me home," I said. I needed them to take me anywhere besides the personal hell I had fallen into.

Boan

What the fuck had just happened? Ciara just ran out of the bathroom in tears, caused by me. I was confused. I had never seen Ciara cry like that, especially over me. What the fuck was going on? I walked out of the bathroom. The girls were gone, but Culprit just looked at me.

              "Are you retarded or stupid?" Culprit asked me.

              I grabbed my hat and put it on my head. "First of all, that’s the same thing. Second, man, what the fuck are you talking about?" I asked, as I picked up my bags and made my way to the exit so I could leave.

              "You know exactly what I’m talking about. I’ve never seen Ciara like that, bro."

              "Shit, that makes the both of us, and she's my wife." I walked to the back of my truck and popped open the trunk. I put the bags in there, and Culprit followed.

              "What’s your point in doing all of this?"

              "Huh?" I asked, acting like I didn’t hear him.

              Culprit looked at me like I was the dumbest nigga on the planet. "Don’t play stupid nigga."

              "I don’t fucking like her," I admitted. Agitation was getting the best of me because I didn't know what I wanted to do with Ciara. A part of me knew I could never leave her alone for real.

              "I know that. You love her." Culprit was starting to piss me off.

"Man, I’m not the same dude. I’m not about to let that bitch run over me." She hurt me, and was the queen of running game on a muthafucka. I was trying to avoid being in the same position I was in last time.

              "You a fucking idiot, dawg, I swear. Ciara is not like that anymore. She’s trying to prove it to your stupid ass, but you keep hurting her because you hurt. That’s not a good enough excuse, nigga."

              "You don’t know what you talking about."

              "I know exactly what I’m talking about. You and Ciara love each other. Y’all still in love, but somehow y’all lost each other in the mix of drugs and money. Now that y’all out the game, the greed is out the way. Just calm down man. I know you upset about how shit went down the last time, and your trust in her is probably all fucked-up. Just try to remember why you fell in love with her. Give her a chance."

              I looked at him for a long time. "You trying to play Cupid?"

              "Naw, man I’m just saying some real shit."

              "You want me to say some real shit?"

Culprit shrugged his shoulders. I started my truck and made my way back to the crib.

"Stop acting like a scary bitch and talk to Lo."

Culprit laughed and lit up a blunt like I wasn't being dead serious.

              "I’m serious, nigga. You act like you terrified of Lo little ass."

              "Man, I would love to talk to her, or for her to even address me, but she hates me." Culprit shrugged his shoulders again and passed the blunt to me.

I took it from him and hit it, "I doubt that. But on some real shit my nigga, just speak to her."

              "Speaking of being out the game, what’s your next plan?" Culprit asked.

I just shook my head at him, "I got that covered. I met this real nigga in Alabama. He from New York doe. He got hella businesses and I told him I was gone call him when I get back to Detroit. Start making some legit cash."

              "I feel that, but after you drop me off, go to her," Culprit said.

I didn’t say anything. He was right though. I was twenty-seven. I’d been with Ciara since I was eighteen, and had married her when I was twenty. We’d been together for nine years, and two of those, I’d been in Alabama. But I’d have been lying if I said that woman didn’t have my heart. I knew I wasn’t perfect in our marriage, and maybe I should have tried to stop pointing the finger at her; at least she was trying to work it out, while I was trying to run like a coward again. I was going to go to her. She was my heart, and I didn’t have any choice but to follow it.

Ciara

We were at my house, getting drunk out of our minds. Boan hurt me, and I wanted to drown my sorrows in alcohol. I had on baggy sweats and a sports bra with my hair in a ponytail, and some reading glasses on. Lo had on a big shirt with some leggings, and Tosh wanted to be sexy with some silk pajamas. We all were drunk and eating ice cream. It was male bashing time.

              "You already know what my motto is, fuck niggas get money," Tosh yelled out, while laughing.

              "Bitch, shut up. You never even been in love," Lo waved Tosh off.

              "Why would I want to? Look at you pitiful hoes. Crying over niggas, and embarrassing yourselves over some dudes. Ciara, that stunt today . . ." She didn’t finish her statement. She just shook her head.

              "So what, he is my
husband
," I said.

              "On paper," Lo mumbled, laughing.

              "Hold the fuck up. You’re one to talk. You can’t even be within the same vicinity as Culprit."

              "That’s because I hate him." Lo face was twisted up like she was in pain.

              "No, it’s because you love him too much and you hate yourself for loving him," I said. It seemed like all motion stopped. Lo’s head snapped up so quick, and she stared at me.

              "What?" Lo whispered.

              "What happened, Lo? You can’t stand the sight of him, and don’t tell me it’s because he cheated. It’s more to that, and I can feel it. You're beating yourself up over something." I told her. There was a slight change in both her and Culprit when they broke up, I just never addressed it.

              "Yea, agree." Tosh slurred. Lo looked at both of us with tears in her eyes. She took a deep breath to compose herself, but it didn’t work.

              "I . . . we . . . I was p . . ." The doorbell interrupted Lo.

              "Goddammit," Tosh said, while slapping the counter top.

              "I’ll get it," Lo said, jumping up.

              I jumped off the stool and stumbled a little bit before regaining my composure. "No, I’ll get it. You sit." I walked to the door and pulled it open. It was Boan, standing there in some basketball shorts and a black V-neck.

              "Boan?" I said.

He looked me up and down. I remembered my hair was in a sloppy ponytail and that I had on glasses and sweats. It was not sexy.

              "You're beautiful," Boan whispered.

              I felt myself blushing, and looked down. "Ummm . . . was there something you wanted?" I leaned up against the doorframe and looked up at him.

              "Who the hell is that at the door?" Tosh asked, while coming to the door with Lo behind her.

              "Oh, it’s her
husband."
Lo giggled.

              "Y’all are drunk." Boan said.

We all nodded our heads in response.

              "Ciara, I want you to ride with me somewhere." Boan nodded towards his truck that was parked out front.

              "You not gone kill me are you?"

              He smiled at me. ''Not tonight." he said, handing me the hoodie that I hadn’t noticed was in his hand. I put on some shoes and sat my glasses on the table, looking at my girls before I closed the door. I followed Boan to his truck and he opened the door for me. We rode in silence, but I recognized that he was taking me to this park on Mt. Elliot. It was where we had first met. I was actually nervous, because he was so quiet. He pulled up and parked, and turned his truck off. He looked towards me and I looked at him.

              "Come take a walk with me." He opened his truck door and got out. I opened my door and walked towards him. His passiveness set me on edge, and I was convinced he was going to kill me. "I wanted to talk to you."

              I nodded my head. "Okay."

"You remember when we first met here?" He looked around the park with a look of nostalgia on his face.

              "Yea, I was playing cards, and you asked if you could play."

              ''And if I won, I would get your number, and if I lost, you got my car."

              "And I got your car, but I gave you a ride home," I responded, joining him in laughter.

              "Damn, that was nine years ago," Boan recalled, sitting down on the empty bench.

"Why did we hurt each other?" He turned towards me.

              "I’m sorry, Boan. I deserve for you to be acting like this toward me." Turning away from Boan, I couldn't handle the look of pain and regret in his brown eyes because I knew I put it there.

              "No, I wasn’t a saint either. That thing that you did with my cousin?"

              "I’m not gay, or even bi for that matter. I don’t know why I let that happened. I was just crazy, and I wanted to make you mad all the time. I felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention from you." I explained to him. Me getting involved with his cousin, Dominque was a big misjudgment on my part especially since it caused her death.

              "Ciara, if you wanted more attention all you had to do was ask. I loved you, Ciara. I put that on everything. I fucking loved you with everything I had." He looked away from me and stared out into the water.

              I admired his side profile wanting to reach out and touch him but I restrained myself, "Me too. I worshiped the ground you walked on, and it scared the shit out of me." I admitted even though I’m sure he already knew that.

              "You broke me," Boan said, shaking his head.

"Why didn’t you ever want to have my child?" Boan question while turning back to me.

Damn I wanted to avoid that question; that was going to open up some shit I didn’t want to talk about. "Boan, please . . ." I whispered.

              "Tell me."

              "Goddammit, Boan!" I yelled, and jumped up. I was shaking.

              "All I ask is for you to tell me. I want to know. I need to know."

              I felt the tears but I didn’t wipe them. "Because I felt like this was too good to be true. So I tried to ruin it before it could ruin me. I didn’t deserve you. I didn’t deserve to be blessed with a child. My own family didn’t want anything to do with me, so I couldn’t comprehend how you could. Then to bring a child into the mix, what if I messed up or did something wrong. What if I abandoned my child like my family did me or like I . . . or our child grew up to hate me like my family do. Like you do." I hoped he didn't notice my slip-up. Before I knew it, I was in Boan’s arms.

              "You're fucking crazy, you know that. I wasn’t
putting
up
with you Ciara. I wanted you, I needed you. You would have been a wonderful mother. You should have told me all of this," he said. I cried into his shirt. He rubbed my back and it felt so good, but I didn’t know if this was going to last.

              "Come on, let’s go." I followed Boan back to his truck. He opened up the door for me and I got in. I just watched him. I knew he was going through inner turmoil. I just shook my head. I heard him get in the truck. I looked out the window. I wanted him. I loved Boan. I never doubted that, but I fucked up when I tried to fight it instead of accepting it. Maybe if I had, I wouldn’t have been going through this. He pulled up in front of my house and didn’t say anything for a while.

              "I don’t want you out of my life. But I don’t know about being with you. Maybe we could just take things slow and be friends. See where things go," he said, while looking out the window.

              "That’s cool." I said.

              "Ok."

              "I have one question."

              "What’s that?" Boan asked while looking at me.

              "Let’s have dinner tomorrow?"

              "Are you asking me out?"

              "Yea, I guess so." I said, while smiling.

He licked his lips and just smiled.

              "Why you smiling like that?" I asked, while laughing at him.

              "What, you don’t like my smile?"

              "I didn’t say that."

              "Yea, dinner sounds cool," Boan responded while biting his bottom lip

              "Ok I’ll pick you up around eight," I said while trying to rush out of his truck before I jumped on him.

              "Goodnight, Ciara."

              "Goodnight, Barren."

              "You are something else."
              "You would know."