'Till Death Do Us Part: Love, Marriage, and the Mind of the Killer Spouse (24 page)

According to Dr. Hyman Spotnitz, a founder of modern psychoanalysis, the desire to abort a child can reflect an unconscious desire to kill off one’s siblings—especially if hatred toward a sibling is particularly intense. Interestingly, Charles Stewart came from a family with many siblings. Theories suggest that an individual’s reason for not wanting a baby of his own can sometimes stem from wishing that his mother had eliminated the baby that later became his younger sibling. Furthermore, fatherhood itself can also bring up unhappy memories of rivalry with brothers and sisters.

It is interesting that Charles decided to enlist his brother Matthew for help. Charles and Matthew got along very well, and some believe that Matthew experienced their childhood in the same way, imagining that there was never enough room for everyone. Additionally, neither wanted to end up like their father, who was a man always struggling and giving to everyone else rather than himself.

Charles carried through with his murderous and devious plan. He suffered some pretty painful wounds himself. While only intending to shoot his foot, he managed to shoot his abdomen instead. He needed multiple surgeries and ultimately had to have a colostomy bag. Is it possible he felt some degree of guilt about killing his pregnant wife? He left himself with horrible wounds; he ultimately confessed to the murder before finally killing himself. Perhaps his suicide had more to do with not wanting to face the shame of being a convicted killer than with really caring about killing his pregnant spouse. Perhaps the prospect of being exposed was just too much for him to handle. Or maybe Charles Stewart had a suicidal personality all along, that up until this point he had successfully defended against. All of the materialism and striving to be more was an attempt to deal with his feelings of inadequacy for who he really felt he was, a dumb nobody who came from nothing and still was nothing.

Certain spousal killers may have a powerful suicidal drive that they try to obstruct by killing others. These killers often feel that others are preventing them from living their lives as they wish to. But these feelings may actually be about themselves. They may believe on some level that they should not be alive and/or should really be dead. Instead of making a suicidal presentation, they present the opposite—that of entitlement. Ultimately, however, they are fighting against this powerful suicidal impulse. When killing another does not work for them, they end up doing what they really wanted to do all along—kill themselves.

11

The Caregiver Killer

A
LTHOUGH
some people find caring for a sick or gravely ill spouse to be a satisfying experience, for many it can have a profoundly negative consequence filled with anxiety and depression. Caregivers often feel overburdened, overwhelmed, and constantly in demand. And when they believe the person they’re taking care of is unreasonable, unappreciative, and manipulative, they also complain of higher levels of stress.

Spousal caregivers are at a great risk to abuse and become violent. It’s not the stress that causes the violence, but the mood disturbances that follow the care. Caretakers who lack sufficient income experience this situation as beyond their control. They often lack the problem-solving skills or social support that these circumstances demand, thus triggering a sequence of events that can create a lethal outcome, including murder/suicide.

Before this phenomenon was studied more extensively, the murder of a terminally ill spouse was considered to be a mercy killing, compassionate homicide, or a killing of mutual consent. But in recent years such thinking has become negotiable. Many think that mutual-consent killing is not an act of love or adoration at all, but a sign of desperation and depression. Indeed, the caregiver murder is not an impulsive act, but is planned and prompted by a decline in physical health, or a pending move to an assisted-living facility or nursing home.

Interestingly, the perpetrator tends to be a few years older than his or her spouse and the sick spouse often talks about wanting to die, or professes that he or she would be better off dead. Such isolation and desperation, on the part of the caregiver, eventually becomes too much to bear.

* * * * *

F
OR
ROSWELL GILBERT
, there was no other choice.

Roswell, seventy-six, was a retired electronics engineer who had been married for fifty-one years to his beloved wife, Emily. They lived in a seaside condominium off the Florida coast, and prior to becoming ill, Emily had been extremely self-sufficient, independently visiting the beauty salon every two weeks. But that was a long time ago. It was now eight years later and Emily, seventy-three, suffered from a variety of illnesses, including arthritis, Alzheimer’s disease, and osteoporosis (all emotionally debilitating and physically painful). As the pain worsened, Emily begged her husband to kill her, to help end her suffering. “I’m so sick,” she would say. “I want to die.”

On March 4, 1985, Roswell pointed a gun to his wife’s head and fired twice, killing her. Roswell described it as an “act of love.” Authorities saw it as murder and he was arrested, tried, and found guilty. He was sentenced to serve twenty-five years in prison. But five years after his conviction, frail and sickly, he was granted clemency.

* * * * *

D
URING
the twilight years, marriage has a unique set of challenges. The joyful advertisements that portray retired/older couples walking along a scenic beach together, holding hands, playing golf, bicycling, or vacationing together are beautiful pictorial images. Yet they are often little more than beautiful images. When you look at these pleasant ads, you are meant to assume that the dreams of these loving couples are jointly being met by one another. Such a notion is a wonderful romantic epiphany—let us hope we all have such a time in life to be blissful, and to at last enjoy the comforts of intimacy and togetherness.

But like many idealistic images, there can be danger in such assumptions. There is no guarantee that two people, during their final phase of marriage, will share the same vision for what they want for themselves or their lives. Marital renegotiation during this phase is often urgent and intense. There can be the sense that this is the last chance for a couple to fulfill their personal dreams and destiny.

There is also the pain of loss during this time of life—not only the loss of social connections and work, but an even greater one: friends and relatives. Imagine for a moment that you are in your mid-seventies. Now imagine all of your friends and loved ones. How many of them are still alive at seventy-five? How many are about to die? And if, like you, they are
generally
healthy, how healthy is that? In other words, the life of a senior citizen is often fraught with depression over loss, and not simply loss of one’s wellness and mobility but also the colossal loss of time. All of us know the magnitude of time, but who better to understand it than those experiencing its last hours. Beneath the immediate demands of the caregiver is a layer of grief for all that has passed or is passing, and for the individuals and places that are vanishing.

Moreover, due to lack of mobility, and often, the dire state of the sickly, elderly couples are much less involved with the outside world. This makes them far more mutually dependent. As we know, socially isolated individuals are much more prone to manage their frustration and stress in aggressive, self-destructive, and sometimes abusive ways and are more prone to depart from their earlier “appropriate” codes of behavior. They can develop patterns of behavior that otherwise would have remained foreign to them had they had closer relationships, and thus were observed or watched by others. And while witnesses or outside support systems can help dysfunctional couples keep it together much more than they would if left to their own devices, there is a tendency among such couples not to permit intervention.

The most common reason that the elderly fail to seek outside help is separation anxiety. For example, should neighbors or social workers visit the home, there is always a threat that someone might insist the unwell partner be moved to a hospital or nursing facility. Rarely do couples welcome such a change, and in most cases, such a move is avoided at all costs. Additionally, there is a tendency for denial on the part of the caregiver.
The New York Times
featured an editorial on August 21, 2005, entitled, “Will We Ever Arrive at the Good Death?” The story examined the pros and cons of palliative care, and stated that in most cases, patients do not enter into hospice care until two weeks prior to their death. This illustrates how resistant we can be, not only to the reality of death but to the influences of unfamiliar help.

The denial and refusal of aid deprives a couple of much-needed time apart, which may include pursuing separate interests outside of the marriage. A lack of separateness and interpersonal space can cause couples to grow bored with each other and to experience their routines as tedious. For individuals stuck in this rut, there is nothing new to report to one another, no new and exciting experiences to share, which can lead a couple to feel that there is nothing to talk about. They begin to stop feeling curious about each other and, in turn, the relationship becomes one of mere dependency. When you add the pressure of illness to this picture, the situation can be quite disastrous.

As discussed, incessant togetherness is often required of the partner who is taking on the role of caretaker, and therefore, a healthy interpersonal distance may no longer be a realistic option. Private irritations can take over and replace loving feelings that once existed. The illnesses of old age can feel like a curse not only for the spouse who is sick, but for the spouse who is not. The caretaking responsibilities become the responsibility of the “healthy” spouse whose wellness is often only relative. Sometimes the decrease in marital satisfaction is due more to the loss of companionship than to the illness itself. Couples can become depressed and overwhelmed by strong and persistent feelings of hopelessness and helplessness. These feelings, combined with social isolation, can lead to desperation, and, in the worst-case scenario, to murder.

Some of the circumstances that contribute to abuse by a caregiver include a lack of caregiving skills, and in some instances the abuse is a continuation of abuse that went on in the marital relationship before the spouse got sick. Intergenerational and marital violence can continue into old age. If a woman has not reported the abuse that occurred during her fifty-year marriage, she is not likely to report this abuse when she is old, sick, and even more vulnerable due to poor health. In some cases, she may not even label the behavior as abusive, especially if the abuse started when the relationship began.

In many cases such abused women “successfully” made a life for themselves with family, friends, possessions, and traditions. This “success” contributes to their loyalty toward their spouse and their denial about the potential danger they may be in. Sometimes a woman who has been abused for many years may turn the tables on her husband and direct all of her pent-up rage toward him when his health fails and he has become incapable of defending himself. Interestingly, as we have learned, while most domestic violence victims are women, there are more female abusers among older couples than younger couples.

Additionally, very often the caregiver/spouse’s personal problems lead the abusive behavior to turn violent and/or lethal. A combination of caregiver stress, emotional or mental illness, addiction to substances, financial stress, and dependency and other personal problems and frustrations can force the caregiver to behave violently in order to “solve” his or her problems. In some instances it’s the cared-for spouse who becomes physically abusive. This is more likely to happen when an older spouse suffers from Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia. Caregiver stress is a significant risk factor in neglect and abuse. When a caregiver, especially an elderly sickly one, is pushed into the demands of daily intensive care without any training or information on how to balance his or her needs with the needs of an elderly spouse, it can lead to intense frustration and anger that can too easily turn violent.

Some studies reveal that caregiver stress is often not the primary cause of spousal abuse. Instead the abuse may stem from issues of control and power. The risk of this type of abuse is greater when the caregiver is solely responsible for an elderly spouse who is sick and/or is physically or mentally impaired. Spouses turned caregivers, under these stressful conditions, can often feel trapped, hopeless, resentful, and they may be unaware of available resources and assistance. The caregiver with impaired problem-solving skills or an emotional or personality disorder may not be able to control his or her impulses when feeling enraged or agitated toward his or her spouse.

So, how does this happen and how does it go undetected? Some think certain societal issues are to blame. Ageism and our negative mind-set about older individuals can lead to cultural blindness about the dangers of these caregivers turned murderers. Even worse, a lack of respect for the elderly can contribute to violence against them. Too often older persons remind us of our own mortality, which frightens us. We tend to look away from what scares us. As one result, the older population is sometimes seen as disposable. This view may lead the community to fail to ensure that this vulnerable population lives a nonabusive, supportive, and dignified life. The belief in the value of privacy and the notion that what happens in the home stays in the home can also contribute to older married couples being locked into abusive situations.

* * * * *

R
OSWELL
Gilbert may be the perfect example of a caregiver killer, whose hopelessness, social isolation, and depression got the better of him and his wife of fifty years. He claimed killing his wife was an
act of love
and that Emily Gilbert not only wanted him to do it, but instructed him to do it. Like many elderly couples who are dealing with extreme stress, the Gilberts found themselves alone and closed in with no one to consult with but each other. Outside support and help was not incorporated into their mind-set and was therefore not looked for.