Times and Seasons (14 page)

Steve
was pensive and still nursing his anger when he picked up Tracy from her friend’s house that afternoon. He fixed them a light supper and tried to pay close attention as the little girl rambled about her day, and all the friends who had done silly things, and the way Matthew Rutledge had made fun of Susan Murphy until everyone on the playground had been cracking up. It all seemed so simple, he thought, when he listened to Tracy talk about her grade school problems and her friends who were too young to break their parents’ hearts.

He realized that he and Tracy had it pretty easy. Yes, they had had trauma in their lives when his wife died of cancer. It was the worst two years of his life, but they had come through it together.

That night, he sat on her bed, brushing out her braids and thinking how precious she was to him. What would it be like when they were all living together as a family? Cathy’s three kids and Tracy. Some part of him felt as if he was sacrificing his own
child on the altar of that family life. That instead of her children becoming more respectful and better behaved, Tracy would be the one to decline.

“Daddy, why did Mark have to go to jail?”

He brushed her hair and stroked the silkiness of it, wondering how much longer she’d let him do this. “He’s not really in jail, honey. He’s kind of in a home. It’s a place where they’re going to teach him not to do the things he did.”

“I already know what he did, Daddy,” Tracy said. “He took drugs and he sold them to somebody.”

“How do you know that?” he asked.

“I heard everybody talking at the shower after the policeman came. And then Annie told me. Why do people take drugs if they’re going to go to jail for it?”

He didn’t know how to explain to his child that not everyone went to jail, that only the ones who got caught did, that many, many others got away with the act to the detriment of their own bodies. He hated for his daughter to be exposed to such things. Would there be any preventing it, once he and Cathy got married?

“I don’t know, honey. Sometimes people do pretty stupid things.”

“Are you still going to marry Miss Cathy?”

“I hope so,” he said.

“I want you to,” Tracy whispered. She crawled under her covers and lay flat on her back, looking up at her dad. “She’s really sad right now, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, she’s worried about her son.”

“I don’t like for her to feel like that,” Tracy said.

Steve’s heart melted. “I don’t either.”

“Then we’ll just have to cheer her up, won’t we, Daddy?”

He swallowed the emotion in his throat and leaned down to kiss his little girl. They prayed for Cathy together, then for Mark and the others, and finally he left her alone and went into his own bedroom. He lay on top of the bedspread, staring at the ceiling.

Was he doing the right thing even wanting a marriage to Cathy? Wasn’t he just taking on a whole barrelful of problems? He would forever be at odds with her children, biting his tongue and cringing every time they spoke to her in the tone that suggested that she was a subordinate. And then she would be mad at him for his anger at them. It would be an endless cycle, like so many other stepfamilies he’d encountered.

He didn’t know if he had the constitution for it. But then he thought of life without her, and he realized the alternative was no better.

Sleep came hard that night, but finally he dozed, still wearing his clothes. Sometime in the middle of the night, he heard Tracy crying. He got up and ran to her bed.

“I had a dream, Daddy,” she cried. “He was in there trying to get me! I saw him in the kitchen!”

“Saw who?” Steve asked her.

“Somebody,” she said. “He was coming to get me!” She was crying and trembling, so he lifted her up out of bed and held her. She wrapped her arms around him, clinging with all her might.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, “Daddy’s here.”

He sat down in the rocker across the room from her bed, and slowly rocked her back to relaxation. He could feel the tension seeping out of her, the fear dripping away. All was well, he thought, because he was here.

He realized that Mark hadn’t had his father to comfort him when he was afraid. Annie and Rick hadn’t had their dad to guide them with a firm hand. But he knew it was too late for him to fill Jerry’s shoes. They wouldn’t have it, didn’t want it…and he wasn’t certain he had enough love in his heart to bridge those gaps their father had left.

As he rocked his daughter to sleep, he closed his eyes and tried to imagine whether he had the strength to enter into this marriage when Cathy said it was all right.

But wouldn’t it take even
more
strength to walk away from the woman he loved?

He put Tracy back to bed, tucked her in, kissed her good night, then went back to his own bedroom. His picture of his wife sat on the table beside the bed, and he picked it up and gazed down at it. Why had she died and left him to make such decisions? Why was he in the position now of having to take a family that was broken and lost and blend it with his? Could two families ever really blend?

He wasn’t sure. But he was committed. Living with Cathy and being her husband might outweigh the hassles and dread of living with her children, and maybe God would teach him something in the process. Maybe he would actually make a difference in their lives. Maybe they would make a difference in his.

He took it to God before he went back to sleep, laying all his concerns and feelings on the altar, asking for God to show him what he was to do, how he was to help. Before he said “amen,” Steve was hit with the overwhelming sense that there
was
one thing he could do. He couldn’t be Mark’s father, but he could help Mark’s father give him what he needed. It was a start.

Tomorrow he would go and see Jerry in Knoxville and try to get him to visit his son in jail. Maybe then Mark could start his road to recovery. Maybe then Steve could help him fill the empty places that no stepfather would ever be able to fill.

Steve
didn’t tell Cathy he was going to Knoxville. He didn’t want to give her another source of worry today. He had business of his own to handle in Knoxville; then, when he’d finished what he needed to do wearing his account manager’s hat for the telecommunications company he worked for, he navigated his way to Jerry Flaherty’s office, hoping he was there.

He stepped up to the secretary’s desk, hands in his pockets.

“May I help you?” she asked.

“I’m here to see Jerry Flaherty. Is he in?”

“Do you have an appointment?”

He shrugged. “No, I was just in town and thought I’d stop by and talk to him. I won’t take long.”

She picked up the phone and dialed a number, then told Jerry that he was here. “Could I get your name, please?” she asked.

“Steve Bennett.”

She said the name into the phone, then glanced at him again. He wondered if Jerry had asked her if it was the Steve Bennett who was his ex-wife’s future husband.

Hanging up, she said, “You can go on back. It’s that door right there.”

He went to the door she was pointing toward, knocked, then opened it. Jerry was on his feet coming toward him.

“Steve,” Jerry said, shaking his hand. “Didn’t expect a visit from you. I saw you at the courthouse the other day, but it didn’t seem like a good time to introduce myself.”

Steve gave him a weak smile. “Cathy doesn’t know I’m here.”

“I see,” Jerry said, dropping down into his own executive chair. He leaned back, tapping his fingertips together in front of his chest. “So, did you come here to get advice on how to handle her?”

Steve shifted in his seat. “Actually, no. Cathy and I get along just fine. It’s about the kids.”

Jerry’s eyebrows came up as if he finally understood. “I see.” He laughed and set his arms on their rests. “Well, I might have expected this.”

Steve frowned. “Expected what?”

“I should have known you didn’t want to marry Cathy and all her kids, so you thought you’d come here and make a little deal with me, maybe to have them in Knoxville a little more often.”

The remnant of Steve’s smile vanished. He got to his feet and looked down at the man who had broken Cathy’s heart. He had never liked him, but he disliked him more intensely now.

“No, actually, that’s not what I want. Cathy would be brokenhearted…devastated…if she didn’t have her kids with her. I would never do that to her.”

“Well, it hardly matters now, since Annie and Rick will be going off to college in a few weeks, and Mark’s otherwise detained.”

“You don’t have to worry about my relationship with the family,” he said. “We’re doing just fine.”

Jerry grinned, as if he knew better. “Then what brings you here?”

Steve sat slowly back down. “I came here to talk to you about Mark. Have you seen him since he’s been at River Ranch?”

Jerry’s face hardened. “No, I haven’t.”

“Well, Mark’s really angry right now. He’s very upset. He’s at a turning point in his life, and he doesn’t know which way to turn. I think he needs your support.”

Jerry stiffened. “You have a lot of nerve, coming here and telling me how to be a father to my son.”

“I’m not telling you how to be anything,” Steve said. “I’m just telling you what Mark needs. I saw him yesterday, and he’s right at the end of his rope. He’s rabidly angry about what’s happened. He desperately needs to know that he’s still loved, in spite of what he did.” He stopped and leaned forward, setting his elbows on his knees. “Look, I’m not divorced. I’m new at all the dynamics that go on in a divorced family. All I know is that when I went to see him, they told him his father was there, because they thought that was who I was. You should have seen the look on his face when he saw me, instead of you. He was crushed.”

Jerry glared at him for a long moment. “You know, your fiancé—my beloved ex-wife—made it out to be all my fault,” he said. “She claimed that if I had been there in her home as Mark was growing up none of this would have happened. Like Mark did all of this to get my attention or something. But I’m not buying it. Mark did what he did because he’s a selfish, bratty kid, and he’s been getting away with murder. His mother has no backbone and no discipline and no consistency.”

Steve felt his hackles rising. “And you do?”

“I have more than she has.”

“Well, what exactly are you consistent
about?
” Steve asked. “Your golf game? Because the kids claim you don’t spend time with them even on your weekends. So where do you get off criticizing how Cathy has brought them up?”

Jerry got to his feet, dismissing him. “Glad you could come by,” he said.

Steve was happy to leave. He started for the door, then stopped before walking through it. “You know, it doesn’t really matter if Cathy was wrong or right about your part in this,” Steve said. “The bottom line is that your son is in trouble. He needs you, and I came here to ask you to go to him and be what he needs for you to be. One time in your life.”

Jerry pointed to the door, as if Steve had lost his way.

But Steve didn’t leave. “Just tell me one thing. Are you going to go visit your son or not?”

Beads of perspiration dotted Jerry’s upper lip. “As long as my son wants to humiliate and disgrace my family, he can’t count on my support. Respect and approval have to be earned, and he hasn’t done a thing to earn it.”

“A child needs respect and approval whether he’s earned it or not,” Steve said. “Maybe your attitude is just what’s wrong with this picture.”

With that, Steve left the room and went back to the elevator. He seethed all the way down.

Steve
was troubled all the way back to Breezewood, and it took the whole two-hour drive to cool his anger. No wonder Cathy had such trouble dealing with her ex-husband. Some part of Steve had expected him to be a good guy deep down. After all, Cathy had chosen him once. She had been in love with him. She’d had children with him. Steve had expected him to have some redeeming qualities, and maybe he did. If so, they were pretty well hidden on first impression.

He thought of Mark and the disappointment on his face yesterday when he realized that Jerry hadn’t come after all. The kid might go through the whole year of his sentence without one visit from his father. It wouldn’t surprise Steve a bit. He wondered how a father could turn that cold against his son. The thought made his heart swell with compassion for the boy.

If he was going to marry Cathy, then he had a responsibility to Mark. He had an obligation to help him as much as he could. Cathy deserved it. She couldn’t do this alone.

He racked his brain, trying to find a way that he could have more of an impact on Mark, build a relationship with him, mentor him while he was in jail. But Steve was limited by the visitation hours—and by Mark’s attitude.

Maybe he could mentor Mark through the mail. Mail call was probably an important time for the inmates. Maybe Steve could use the mail to do a Bible study with him or something. Maybe Mark would read it.

Then again, maybe he wouldn’t. It was no substitute for a father. And as hard as Steve tried, it wasn’t in his power to give Mark that.

The
kids were gone, Rick to work and Annie to a movie, and Cathy found that the house was quiet. She paced from one room to another, straightening here and cleaning there, wondering why she hadn’t heard from Steve today.

Part of her wanted to reach out and lean on him, but another part of her, the pride-filled part, wanted to handle things herself. She had done it for years.

She walked around the house aimlessly, cleaning up little bits of clutter, wiping counters, folding laundry. Suddenly, she had a sense of how purposeless her life had become. She went to work every day to take care of people’s pets, animals who couldn’t say thank you or pass her kindness on to others. And then she came home early to be there for her children. But being there wasn’t all they needed, and now she wondered if she might as well have worked longer hours and made more money, for all the good coming home early in the afternoons had done her.

When the doorbell rang, she ran to answer it. It was Steve. “I tried to call you,” she said. “Where have you been?”

“Long story,” he said, coming in. “I went to Knoxville.”

“Knoxville? Was it last minute? You didn’t say you were going.” She closed the door. “You want something to drink?”

He went to the couch and sat down. “No. I’m fine. And I didn’t tell you I was going, because I didn’t want you to stop me.”

She stood looking at him for a moment, then slowly lowered into a chair.

“I went to see Jerry.”

“You
what?
”

“I went to see Jerry. I wanted to tell him how hurt Mark was that he hasn’t visited. I thought I could appeal to him father to father.”

She only gaped at him, her mouth open. “I can’t believe you did that.” She got up. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you
ask
me? What did you think? That you’d pop in and have a nice talk over lunch? Find out that my ex really isn’t such a bad guy? Solve all of his problems with his children?”

He looked down at his clasped hands. “Well…yeah. I hoped. But it turned out not to be true.” He looked up at her, registering the anger on her face. “Cathy, I was trying to help. I wanted him to know how disappointed Mark was when I came instead of his dad yesterday. I thought if he heard that—”

She turned away and crossed her arms. “This is incredible. You and Jerry…”

“It’s not like we talked about you behind your back,” Steve said. “Come on, Cathy. I’m going to be your husband. I’m going to be your children’s stepfather. I wanted to do the most effective thing for all of you. I thought visiting Jerry would do it.”

She turned back around. “And what did he say? Was he receptive, or did he have security escort you out?”

Steve got up, fighting the slight grin on his face. “Well, he did get a little hot.”

She didn’t say anything, but her eyes changed, as if she tried to picture the scene.

“He’s not going to visit Mark,” he said softly. “At least, not soon. He said that Mark hadn’t earned his respect.”

“Perfect,” she said. “Well, at least we know where we stand.”

“Yeah. Guess we can prepare Mark. Let him know not to look for his dad.”

She shook her head and dabbed at the corner of one eye. “I can’t do that. I’m not going to tell Mark to give up on his father. He’s just going to have to figure it out.”

Steve reached for her hand and pulled her next to him. Then he pulled her into a hug. She closed her own arms around him, laying her head against his chest.

“Mark was hateful to me again last night,” she said. “You think he was disappointed to see
you?
He ranted the whole time I was there.”

He moaned. “Why didn’t you call me when you got home?”

“I was too upset, and I didn’t want to hear what you would say about it.”

He touched her chin and made her look at him. “Cathy, you know I’d be right.”

“You’re confusing me, Steve. One minute you’re his knight in shining armor, defending him to his dad. The next minute you’re telling me I need to come down harder on him.”

“To me, it’s all about you,” he said. “I want you to be okay. I want you to be treated with respect. And believe it or not, I want him to grow up to be a good, productive citizen. Not a smart-mouth who treats his mother like pond scum.”

“What do you want me to do? Abandon my child just like his father has?”

“No. I think you should withhold your visits until he apologizes.”

“He won’t know why I didn’t show up!” Cathy said. “I can’t just not come.”

“I can go and tell him. Make him understand that your visits are a privilege. They have phone time. He could call and tell you he’s sorry. Or he could write you a letter.”

“A letter will take three days to get here. And what if he doesn’t write it right away? What if he waits a week? He’s a stubborn kid. He doesn’t do anything anybody expects. Not until he absolutely has no choice.”

“Just try it,” Steve said. “Let him miss you; let him realize that he’s blessed to have a mother who comes faithfully. You’ve got to show him, Cathy. You’ve got to teach him that he can’t talk to you that way, that he has to treat you with respect along with every other adult who makes an effort to come see him.”

“He’s just angry, Steve. He’s been through a trauma.”

“You don’t think he’s put
us
through a trauma?”

“Yes, but we’re adults. We can handle it. He’s just a kid.”

“He’s a kid who needs to learn some things. He’s a kid who needs to suffer some consequences.”

The word made something snap inside her. “Consequences?” she said. “He’s going to be in jail for a year. You don’t think that’s enough of a consequence?”

“Not yet,” he said. “Not when he’s still throwing things in your face like he has.”

She paced the room, looked down at the floor, shaking her head frantically. “Steve, what you’re asking me to do is to punish him for being punished. Make him pay another penalty when he’s already paying the dearest one of his life.”

“No, I’m asking you to teach him to treat you with respect.”

“But this isn’t about what I need, okay? This is a critical time for Mark. He needs someone. Jerry has abandoned him. I won’t do it.”

“Cathy, you can’t sacrifice yourself on the altar of Mark. You can’t let him treat you like you’re some subordinate that he can kick around.”

She ran her hands through her hair, unable to believe what he was asking her. Part of her knew that he was right, that she had to teach Mark these lessons sometime. She didn’t like being treated the way she’d been treated the last couple of times she’d visited him, but in her mind, it was a sacrifice she had to make for her son.

“Steve, when I was first divorced, I made myself a promise,” she said. “I promised myself that I would never choose a man over my children. I promised myself that I would never let a man’s influence cause the destruction of my relationship with them. And I’m not going to start now.”

He looked as if she had struck him. “So what about when we’re married, Cathy? Is my opinion never going to count? Are you never going to take my advice about parenting?”

“Steve, we’re not married, and the reason we’re not married is because of this. I’m not willing to give the reins of my children over to you. I’m still their mother. And no matter how long we’re ever married or what we ever mean to each other, you are not their father.”

“Their father has abdicated his seat.”

“Then I’ll be
both
parents like I’ve been for the last few years,” she said. “I can do that.”

“You don’t have to,” Steve said.

“Oh, yes, I do. I do have to when you issue ultimatums like this. I’m not going to turn my back on my son, Steve. Not because you tell me to. Not for any reason. Mark is not going to get the impression from me that he can blow it with his mother. Because he can’t. Never. Not ever. Just like Tracy could never blow it with you.”

“Tracy wouldn’t treat me that way. She wouldn’t rebel this way and then blame others for it.”

The comparison slashed across Cathy’s already-open wounds. “That was low, Steve. The lowest yet. Tracy’s a great kid. I’ll give you that. But I don’t need for you to hold her up like some standard by which I measure mine. I love my children as much as you love yours. And I’m committed to them above my work, my friends, and my love life. If you can’t see that—if you can’t allow me that—then I don’t see much hope for marriage with you.” She took off her engagement ring and handed it to him.

He took it, cleared his throat, and rubbed his face hard. “Do you mean that?”

“Yes, I mean it. I’m not finished being a mother yet. And that’s enough of a fight.”

Staring at the ring in his hand, Steve let out a deep, broken sigh. “I love you, Cathy. I’m not finished with you, unless you’re finished with me.”

She couldn’t answer him or even look at him.

Then, without another word, he walked out the door and headed to his truck.

Cathy waited until he was out of the driveway and had turned from the cul de sac before she let herself burst into tears.