Tip It! (5 page)

K:
What you really wanted me to be.

M:
Oh. As you got older, you mean . . .

K:
Not as I got older. When I was a little girl. When you said show business was for “hoors.”

M:
I did not . . .

K:
You wanted me to be what? Come on. You know.

M:
Well, a stewardess.

K:
You can’t use that word, Ma. I’ve told you a million times. It’s “flight attendant.”

M:
We figured if she was a stew, we could get deals on flying.

K:
Do you think President Obama’s mother wanted that for him when he was a child?

M:
Well, whatever she wanted, he surely exceeded her expectations.

K:
Thanks, Mom. So the bar was that low for me, huh? Well, go ahead, then, what was the other one? The other profession you had in mind for me.

M:
A dental hygienist. For the same reason. We could go, the family could go, and probably get a little discount on checkups and cleanings. Maybe even a root canal. You know, your braces weren’t cheap. I wanted to write down the amount and show you.

K:
You did write it down. Like I had a running tab. How much were the goddamn braces I got when I was twelve? Were they ten thousand dollars? A hundred thousand?

M:
Twelve hundred.

K:
Twelve hundred? You gave me shit for ten years about twelve hundred dollars? All right. I’ll let you get back to this. I just felt a little dishonesty. This idea that you were in any way supportive of my show business dreams.

M:
Well, I didn’t think you’d follow through on it.

K:
I rest my case. I guess I know why I never got those unicycle lessons.

Look, our attitude about Kathy was, she’ll do what she wants to do, and if we can help her in any way, we will. Why wouldn’t we?

I think you’re so blessed if you’re doing something you love. I don’t care if it’s shoveling cement or sweeping up trash or delivering mail, if that’s what you like to do. [
No one likes those jobs, Mom. No one who is actually sweeping up trash is spewing their philosophy with things like “Hey, I love what I do!”
] I don’t think there’s anything worse than having no interest in your work. So get a job you love! [
By the way, Mom’s part-time job when I was a kid was in the cashier’s office of a Catholic hospital, run by nuns that she didn’t, let’s just say, get along with. But remember, “Get a job you love”!!!
]

So Kathy lived with us. [
Until I was twenty-eight years old. Which I’m still ashamed of. That’s way too old to live with your parents.
] And when she needed help to pay for acting classes, or those classes you take that tell you where to stand when you’re on television, we supported her. She wasn’t making any money at the odd jobs she had to take. You hear about these actors and actresses who say, “I came out here with two hundred dollars.” What does that mean? That means the girls end up having to do nude stuff, calendars and the like. [
Let me translate Maggiespeak for you: either you’re a Kelly girl temp earning money for a camera blocking class in the Valley, or you do porn.
] Makes me ill, I tell ya. I just can’t see throwing a kid somewhere where they don’t have a roof over their head, or a meal. And in Los Angeles, it’s so much worse than anyplace else, because for every talented kid, there’s a thousand behind him. For every pretty girl, there’s a thousand behind her. [
Luckily I didn’t have to worry about the latter category, but I fought those talented boys tooth and nail.
]

I remember once when I accompanied Johnny to a class about show business—when my husband was going out for commercials himself later in life—and at the end they asked for a donation of about ten bucks from all the attendees. Well, there was this real cute girl there, probably twenty-one, and she said, “All I have is thirty-five cents in my purse.”

Johnny said, “Why don’t we pay for the poor kid?”

We were too slow, because another guy stepped in and took care of her. [
I’ll BET he took care of her.
] But that sure got me thinking, “My kid’s never gonna go with only thirty-five cents in her purse! Never!” [
Ever since then I’ve had $5.35 in my purse at all times. For safety.
]

Moms and dads, if you’ve got a kid who wants to do this, you’ve got to be there for them. If that means helping them out with cash, you’ve got to do it.

Besides, we’d supported the other kids who went to college and paid for their tuition. This wasn’t any different, to me. Kathy’s acting classes, whether it was her time at the Lee Strasberg school or her classes at the Groundlings, were her college. Would I have liked Kathy to go to a regular college first? Sure, but she didn’t want to do it. And to see the way she threw herself into becoming an actress when we moved to Los Angeles, how could anyone not support that desire?

Seems to have paid off, don’t you think? [
Obviously here she’s referring to my small supporting role in
On the Fritz,
a comedy pilot starring Los Angeles weatherman Fritz Coleman. You’re damn right it paid off
.]

Giving them financial support is easy. The hard part is being with them through the disappointments. Success doesn’t always come so fast in the biz. [
Mom, did you really just call it “the biz”? You old show horse.
]

Kathy would call us up and say all excitedly, “Oh Ma, I think I’m gonna get this little part in a sitcom!” Sitcom roles were a big deal.
Are
a big deal still, what am I saying? Anyway, “I’m pretty sure the part’s mine!” she’d say, because the audition went really well. I’d get excited with her, which was easy to do.

Then, the inevitable follow-up call would come.

“The other girl got the part,” she’d say, and then start crying. “I guess she was more the ‘fresh-faced all-American’ girl type than I am. I’m never gonna make it! I don’t know what’s wrong with me!”

Boy, is that hard to hear from your children, especially when you know how hard they’re working to make their dreams come true. Well, I’d just be extra-supportive at those times, and try to get her thinking straight again. “Kathy, listen to me, the talent is there! It’s got to be recognized, and it will. You have to bide your time.”

In time, as we’d talk through those moments, I could hear the tears subside, and eventually she’d say, “Oh Ma, that’s so great. Thanks for talking to me like that.” [
Can you please become the president and chairman of all of “the biz” right now, Mom?
]

She’d get off the phone, and guess what? That’s when
I’d
start crying! Now it was my husband’s turn to do the consoling! “Aw geez, Johnny, is she ever gonna get a break? What’s wrong with this silly town that they won’t give her the part she wants? She’s so talented!”

This went on for years. I didn’t want Kathy to feel depressed, because she’d be so down on herself. But I would never show her that side in me. My job was to show her love and care and support, and not make it about me and my feelings.

Sometimes, as the supportive parent, you show your love by boycotting something. One of the biggest disappointments in Kathy’s life, after she joined the Groundlings and started making a name for herself there in comedy, was that she was never asked to do
Saturday Night Live.
A lot of the performers from the Groundlings did go on to that famous show, and really got their careers moving along, but Kathy really wasn’t for a while there. She did commercials and industrials and got little speaking parts here and there, but
SNL
didn’t happen. And because of that, I never watch it. Never. Hey, I stick up for my kid!

Likewise, her dad and I would go see Kathy perform anywhere. Every week at the Groundlings, for one thing. That was a given. But then when she first started getting into stand-up comedy, we’d go to any place that would have her. And every little thing she did, we just thought it was so wonderful! If she got a little gig at a coffee shop that would let her get up onstage and tell her funny stories, we’d be there, laughing right along. She probably didn’t get paid half the time at those places. [
Try fifteen years I didn’t get paid.
] But at least we were now looking at our kid on a stage, and this time it wasn’t us thinking, “Oh what a nice hobby she has,” or wondering what career she was going to eventually get into, or whether she was going to find a man and settle down.

We could look up at Kathy and think, “She’s going up that ladder!”

[
Little does she know I slept my way to the middle, and I’m proud of every rung.
]

My daughter Kathy is always getting into some kind of trouble. Here are some ways I think Kathy is ruining her life.

NAMING NAMES.
Kathy can say whatever she wants, but does she have to use people’s real names? Can’t she use a code like “A certain blond actress,” or make up a fake name, for cryin’ out loud?

STRONG LANGUAGE.
For Chrissake, Kathleen, watch your Goddamn mouth! Frankly, I think you embarrass that nice Anderson Cooper when you talk like that.

NOT GOING TO CHURCH.
Come on, Kathy, can’t you stop by once in a blue moon? Maybe every other Sunday?

ENOUGH WITH THE CRAP DIET.
Would it kill you to eat more vegetables and fruit and less cake and pizza, Kathy?

KATHY DOES NOT WATCH NEARLY ENOUGH FOX NEWS.
No wonder she doesn’t know what the heck is going on in the world.

HOME REMODELING DISORDER.
Why does Kathleen have to keep remodeling her house? It’s such a beautiful house and she just refurbished it a few years ago. It’s got a roof, it heats up when it’s cold, and the doors lock. That should be enough.

CLOTHES SHOPPING DISORDER.
Who needs that many shoes? Or jeans that come with holes in them?

B
eing our first child, Kenny naturally got a lot of attention from both Johnny’s family and mine. It helped also that he was a spectacularly good, happy baby.

Then we all started to notice that early on in his development, he could carry a tune. He’d sing along with whatever was being played on the radio. So Johnny took it upon himself to teach Kenny the beautiful Irish ballad “The Rose of Tralee.” It was one of Johnny’s favorites, and by the time he was done Kenny had learned every word, every note, every nuance to performing it.

Then, when all the relatives were over, and Kenny was running around having fun and going nuts with the kids his age, one of the adults would say, “Oh, Kenny, would you sing ‘The Rose of Tralee’?”

Suddenly, as if he were some sort of little soldier, Kenny would stop, straighten up, put his hands behind his back, and sing that song perfectly. There was such an innocence to it, and I’m not kidding you, he was so good people would cry.

My first child, Kenny, with our first dog, Pancho.

But the minute that song was over—
bam!
—he was back to being a rambunctious little boy. That was always funny to see.

Eventually the relatives all developed a habit of giving Kenny a dollar every time he sang the song. He’d take it and put it away, or we’d keep it for him. Then Kenny got older and got into rock and roll and started his own band. Sometimes, he’d refer back to his days entertaining the family and joke about his steady compensation for his performances.

“Ma, I probably made more money as a kid singing than I do with a damn band!” he’d say, laughing.

Kenny’s not with us anymore, but when I think about him, that’s the memory I really cherish.

T
o the best of my knowledge, the Supreme Court has been whittled down to one member, and thank God it’s a woman. Her name is Supreme Court Justice Judith. You may know her as Judge Judy.

I love that Judge Judy Sheindlin. She’s so tiny, and cute, and sooo feisty! Tough as nails, she is, and I love it. Sometimes I think her show is the best on television. [
Just a reminder, reader: There’s another show on television called
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List.
In case you ever want to see the second-best show.
] It’s certainly the best of all the judge shows. She gets the most respect of any of them in her courtroom. She will not stand for any nonsense, and isn’t that the way a judge should operate?

“Real cases, real people,” the show’s announcer says. Real entertaining, I say.

When she says her trademark lines—“I didn’t talk to you, don’t talk to me until I talk to you” or “I’m speaking!” or “Baloney!”—I get so excited. [
Judge Kathy’s version is “Suck it, court is in session.”
] She talks to people like they’ve never been talked to before, probably, and lets us all know it’s how somebody should have been talking to them all along. These are the dregs of society we’re talking about. [
My whole life my mother has talked about “the dregs of society.” I still don’t know exactly who these people are, but I kind of think they’re my peeps. I’m talking to you, cast of
Jersey Shore.]

Someone told me once that Judge Wapner from
The People’s Court
griped about Judy that she was too rude, and not like how a judge should be. If I were a lawyer, that’s when I’d stand up and say “Objection!” [
She makes it sound as if judges have feuds like rappers do.
]

I don’t know if I could ever be a judge, though. I could never be impartial like she is. Some of these guys who appear on
Judge Judy,
they look so mean, and they look like such slobs, I couldn’t give them a win if it killed me. [
“Win”? Mom really loses me when she uses that legal jargon.
] But Judge Judy sees through how they look. She may not want to find in favor of a creepy-looking guy, but she’ll say, “I wish I didn’t have to give you the win here, but in this case, it’s the law, and I have to follow the law.” You’ve got to admire somebody like that. [
I’ve never had more admiration for law-followers. They really are the earth’s winners.
]

Also, even though I’m a lot older than her, we’re kind of the same generation. Especially when it comes to things like dealing with computers. She doesn’t get those machines, she doesn’t want them, and I love that about her. [
And why did phones have to go all portable??? Grrr.
]

I think she and I would have great lunches together. She’s very funny. But would I want to go up against that Judge Judy in court? Probably not! [
Mom, should I be worried? Are you involved in a conspiracy to abduct Angela Lansbury? Why are you even spending one minute worrying about your court date? I’m watching you.
]

She’s great at every kind of case, really, but she’s especially good where kids are concerned. She made her name in New York as a judge in family court, and boy does she get furious with parents when they pull this silly stuff where the mom won’t let a dad see his own kid, or a dad isn’t paying what he owes in child support. She just lays ’em low, and I get such a kick. [
You’ll have to pardon my mother when she starts to use phrases from the Great War like “lays ’em low.”
] At the same time, though, I can’t believe some of these people can’t figure out their problems together in private without going on television in front of a judge! If they had a brain cell between them, they could save tons of money and keep their kids from being so unhappy—can you imagine having to watch your parents bark at each other and air their garbage [
You mean what I do for a living, Mom? What bought your condo?
]—and it would be so much better all the way around. You can hate somebody’s guts and still deal with them civilly. [
Try telling that to
Ryan Seacrest, Judge Maggie.
]

Then again, we wouldn’t have this great television show. I tell ya, if you ever want to make your own life look like the steadiest, most rock-solid kind of life ever lived, just watch one of those judge shows.

I listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger, too, for kind of the same reason. [
Oh Jesus, there go my gay ticket sales.
Reader, you’re gonna have to take it from here. The minute I saw the word “Schlessinger,” which is basically the “n word” for gay people, I checked out. Good luck. I’ll see you post-Schlessinger.
] She’s smart, and she has a wonderful laugh, although she doesn’t laugh so much anymore. Now, she’s not deciding cases like Judy, but she gets tough on people who come to her with their personal problems. Sometimes too tough, in my opinion. Some of these people really need to be yelled at, because they admit to committing the same mistakes over and over and over again. These girls who keep going back to guys who keep beating them up, it’s hard to listen to. But my mother used to say how some people should be more pitied than scorned. They’re poor dumb souls, is what it is. It’s kinda sad they don’t smarten up, and I know Dr. Laura is hard on them because she’s hoping they’ll eventually see the light, but I listen sometimes and go “Ooooh, come on now,” and flinch. It’s not the same as watching my dear Judge Judy notice a guy getting all sneery and cocky and thinking they can get away with smirking, and her just giving them what’s what.

I could watch that every day. I certainly try to! [
Is the Laura Schlessinger part over yet? Okay good. Sorry, gays and minorities.
]

There’s a lot of reality television I think is just too depressing. [
You think?
]

I can’t watch too much of that show
Celebrity
Rehab.
All those drug-addicted famous people acting like that, it makes you wonder why anybody would ever go on a show when you’re in that condition. Making a total fool of yourself. For what? A couple hundred dollars? [
Oh, so now I have to pay Mom a couple hundred dollars? I see where this is going.
] Why would a family allow that kind of behavior to be shown? See, you’ve got to protect some people sometimes.

I watch shows like that, or
Jerry Springer,
and think, “Oh gee, humanity is just going downhill.” I don’t want that to be America! [
She wants it to be Istanbul?
]

I like
Keeping Up with the Kardashians,
though. [
Is my mom smoking crack? Is this why she should go on
Celebrity Rehab
herself?
] When I first started to watch it, I couldn’t believe Kim, Khloé, and Kourtney were so uninhibited. I initially thought, “Oh, this is too much for me.” Oh my God, nothing is sacred in that family! They talk about anything and everything. They’re real open about sexual things, even stuff they’re doing themselves! [
By “real open,” I guess she’s referring to Kim’s sex tape. That’ll make you real open real fast.
] They just don’t mind that they’re appearing in
Playboy,
any of that. It’s like they all talk to one another and the mom like they’re girlfriends.

But I developed a real fascination for them. [
Maggie Griffin, anthropologist.
] They do love the celebrity life. And you know what? They’re a close-knit family. They fight a lot, and they certainly say whatever they want to one another, but they really stick up for one another against outsiders. [
By outsiders, I have to assume she means the non-Armenian community.
] So even though there’s a lot of bickering, they love one another, and have a real attachment to one another. And I love that. [
Dialing Dr. Drew now.
]

Kim, especially, seems to have a lot of common sense. [
Yes. When I think Kim Kardashian, I think arbiter of common sense. “Judge Kim” can’t be far behind.
] She seems to have matured a bit as she’s gotten more into the business. [
Don’t you mean “the biz,” Mom?
] I think the paparazzi treat Kim with more respect than they do her sister Khloé, who’s more upfront and says what she thinks more often. And hey, I admire Khloé for that, too. Plus, I think the mom is great. She’s very pretty, and I think she’s a good mom in her own way. Did you see the one when the kids bought her a pole for her birthday? I know they did it for fun, but I think the mom really uses it!

I can’t imagine what I’d do if my kids got me one of those things. I just can’t see me with a pole. [
Don’t call my father that name.
] That really wouldn’t be very interesting. But for those Kardashians? It seemed just fine.