To Live Again (20 page)

Chapter Twenty-Four

From the time we left the parking lot until we made it back to my apartment, everything was kind of a blur. My mind was beyond overwhelmed, and I was lucky I remembered how to drive.

We made it in one piece, though, and the silence that had been between us since we left the restaurant stayed with us all the way up to my third-floor apartment.

In my narrow kitchen, we cracked open a couple of beers and leaned against the counters on opposite sides. The silence lingered, but it was comfortable. Contemplative, not awkward.

“Thinking about your son?” he asked after a while.

I nodded. “How’d you guess?”

“Had a hunch. He seemed pretty happy tonight.”

“Yeah.” I released a long breath. “He really, really did.” I reached up to rub my neck, wondering how long it would stay this tense now that the evening was over. “I know he’s still dealing with depression, and he always will, but damn, it was good to see him that happy tonight.”

“I imagine this was a huge weight off his chest.”

Rolling my stiff shoulders, I sagged against the counter. “I just wish I’d known about it. I hate that he had to carry it by himself all this time.” My heart clenched just thinking about it. Swallowing hard, I met Sailo’s gaze. “He’s got enough to deal with, you know? Feeling like he has to keep that kind of secret from his parents…”

“You couldn’t have known.” Sailo slid his hands over my waist. “You’ll just drive yourself crazy trying to change the past, but the good thing is, the future’s going to be better.”

“Yeah.” I swallowed hard. “Better late than never, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“And it really, really was good to see him like that. Devon seems like a pretty good guy.”

“He does. That must be a huge relief.”

“God, yes.” I smiled. “There’s nothing better than realizing your kid’s found a good partner. My daughter’s husband is amazing, and so far, Devon is checking all the right boxes.”

“I can only imagine.” He laughed. “I don’t think I have to worry about it for a few years.”

“No, I guess you don’t. But, uh, when you get there—buckle up. That’s a hell of a ride when your kid starts dating.”

He shuddered. “I don’t even want to think about it. I think I’m still traumatized from realizing my boy is old enough to be in kindergarten.”

“Yeah. Just like my granddaughter. So, tell me about it.”

He chuckled, drawing me in closer. “I haven’t dated many guys who can commiserate about parenthood.”

“That makes two of us. This is, um, my first time dating someone who’s already a parent too.”

“First time for both of us, then.” He tipped up my chin, and when our eyes met, he smiled. After a second, I did too. Then he gathered me in his arms and pressed a soft kiss to my lips.

I had a feeling he’d only meant for something short and sweet, a show of gentle affection and nothing more, but he made no move to pull away, and neither did I. For a moment, it was only our lips. Before long, though, he tilted his head and parted his lips, so I did the same and was rewarded with the tip of his tongue. Holding him tighter, I let him deepen the kiss.

We separated at one point and met each other’s eyes. My pulse was thumping, my knees shaking, and what a relief when he drew me back in and picked up right where we’d left off.

“Didn’t think you’d be in the mood for anything,” he whispered breathlessly against my lips.

“Didn’t either.” I slid my hands over his ass and pulled him to me. “But you’re here, so…of course I’m in the mood.”

Sailo laughed softly and kissed me again. “In that case”—he pressed his hardening dick against mine—“maybe we should go someplace more comfortable.”

“Good idea.”

I lost track of time and hands, of what we were doing besides kissing and holding on to each other. One minute we were making out in the doorway. The next, we were naked beneath my sheets.

I was horny as hell, but not in the slightest hurry. I was never in a hurry with him. How could I be? I ran my hands over his ass, his sides, his thighs, my fingertips tracing the raised lines of his distinctive tattoo, every bump and contour of which seemed to spell out his name in my mind. Somewhere along the line, the novelty of having sex with a man had diminished, replaced by the thrill of having sex with
this
man. With Sailo.

“Why would I be in any rush?”
I remembered him saying that first night.
“I’ve already got what I want.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah. You in my bed.”

Likewise, Sailo. My God.

Oh, but even if I wasn’t in a rush, that wasn’t to say our kissing and touching lacked any sense of urgency. I was hungry for him, desperate for him, and having his naked body and rock-hard erection against me aroused me to the point I wanted to beg him for release, except that would mean I’d have to stop kissing him.

He stopped kissing me, though, and pushed himself up. “I didn’t think you’d be in the mood tonight,” he panted, “but I am really glad you are.” He pressed his dick against me for emphasis. “Because I really want to fuck you.”

I licked my lips. “Then why aren’t you?”

His eyebrows flicked up. For a split second, I thought that might’ve come out as too demanding or too needy or…something, but he grinned and leaned down to brush his lips across mine.

“Turn around,” he ordered as he lifted up again and reached for the nightstand. “I gotta fuck you before I go crazy.”

Before
you
go crazy?

Didn’t matter who was going crazy first. He was putting on a condom, and I was getting on my hands and knees as ordered, and now he was going for the lube…

I gripped the sheets, digging my fingers into the mattress and my teeth into my bottom lip.
Hurry up. Please. God, I want you
.

Finally, he knelt behind me. The lube bottle clicked, and the cool, slippery contact of his fingers made me grind my teeth with frustration.

C’mon…

He didn’t waste much time, thank fuck. I was used to bottoming now, so he didn’t have to do near as much prep anymore. Without the nerves, without anticipating pain, I relaxed much more easily. All he had to do with his fingers was put on a little bit of lube, just a few gentle strokes to make sure there wasn’t enough friction to be unpleasant, and then he started pressing his cock in, and I…

Sweet Jesus.

I was in heaven.

His thick cock, slippery with exactly the right amount of lube, slid in and out, turning my vision white and electrifying every nerve ending in my body. Times like this, I didn’t care if he never let me top him again as long as he kept topping me.

With his body weight, he guided me all the way down to the mattress. Yes. Oh yes. This was rapidly becoming one of my favorite things, when he pinned me down so I couldn’t move, not with his body molded to mine, but he didn’t have that problem. He rode me with slow, gentle strokes, holding me close and kissing the side of my neck as he moved inside me.

I was pressed too hard into the mattress to stroke my cock with my hand, but this—rubbing against the sheet with every motion of his hips—was almost better than what I could do for myself anyway. Gripping the headboard, squeezing my eyes shut, I just lay there, and he drove himself into me again and again and again, and I could do nothing but enjoy the ride and building orgasm.

“Gonna come,” I breathed.

“I know.” He thrust just a little bit harder. “I can…feel it.”

I suddenly remembered the way he’d felt when our roles had been reversed, and he’d clenched around my cock just before his climax, and that was all it took.

“
Oh God!
”

He cried out too, and he fell apart, and I fell apart, and his rhythm fell apart. He fucked me painfully hard now, driving my orgasm on and on and on until I was pretty sure I blacked out for a few seconds.

As he shuddered to a stop, panting against my shoulder, my vision started clearing. With a shaking hand, I wiped my eyes. Jesus. He’d made me come so hard, I’d teared up. As the spinning room slowed around me, I was actually a little surprised he hadn’t made me break down sobbing—it was just so damned intense, so amazing, I was
that
overwhelmed.

“Fuck,” he breathed against my neck, pausing to press a soft kiss below my ear. “I didn’t think I could come that hard.”

“Makes two of us.” I was amazed I could form words. Turning my head toward him, I added, “Funny what happens when you started fucking me.”

He laughed, the rush of cooler breath giving me goose bumps, and he kissed me once more. Then he withdrew carefully. As he got up to get rid of the condom, I rolled onto my back.

God. This man. The sex we had. I closed my eyes and grinned like a fool. If this didn’t make up for some of the recent bullshit in my life, I didn’t know what did.

As his soft footsteps came back from the bathroom, I turned my head and smiled up at him. He returned it, settling into bed beside me, and without a word, we wrapped our arms around each other. Like we often did, we lay there for a while, just kissing lazily and enjoying the delicious afterglow. No wonder I was hooked on him—I’d forgotten what it was like to be affectionate and cuddly after sex.

Eventually, we rested our heads on the pillows and gazed at each other.

“So, you feel better about things?” he asked. “After this evening?”

“Definitely.” I smoothed his hair. “About everything. My son. Getting over the divorce.” I smiled. “You.”

He lifted himself up on his arm. “Me?”

“Yeah.” I let my fingers drift down the side of his face and neck. “I just…I don’t know. Feel like I have a better handle on things these days. My relationships with my kids. Who I am. And, yeah, what we’re doing.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed, but his expression registered nothing. “What exactly
are
we doing?”

I thought about it for a moment, then shook my head. “Hell, maybe I don’t really know. I guess I just feel less like I’m flailing my way through this than I did in the beginning.”

He pursed his lips and shrugged. “Fair enough. It is still a rebound, though. And something completely new for you.”

“I know.” I traced his jaw with my thumb. “But I don’t think any of that is the kiss of death. Some things just…work.”

His eyebrows rose slightly. Some unspoken thought creased his forehead and tightened his features.

“What?” I asked.

He took a breath. Hesitated. Then clasped my hand gently and kissed my palm. “You’re right. Some things do work.”

“That first night I came to Wilde’s,” I whispered, lacing our fingers together, “I just wanted to see if I really was into men. I didn’t expect…this.”

Something flickered across his expression, but it was gone so fast I might’ve imagined it. He gently freed his hand and rested it on the side of my neck. “I keep wondering, though—what
is
this?”

“Like I said, I don’t know.” I swallowed. “I don’t feel like I’m flailing anymore, but everything we’ve been doing since day one has been pretty new to me.”

Sailo’s lips pressed together, and he nodded. “I guess it would be. Since you hadn’t dated anyone in so long. And you’d never dated a man.”

“Yeah. But it’s…” I held his gaze as I searched for the words. How did I explain that this wasn’t just different from what I expected, it was more. So, so much more. It had quite by accident brought me closer to my kids. It had given me hope that divorcing this late in the game didn’t mean I was out of luck. But there were all these feelings too. The way my heart fluttered whenever I was around him. How his text tone was enough to shake me out of a bad mood, and how much I just plain looked forward to being in the same room with him.

I swept my tongue across my lips and whispered, “It’s just better than anything I expected when I walked in that night.”

He smiled, a hint of shyness in his expression. “Glad it hasn’t been a disappointment.”

“Not at all.” I ran my fingers through his hair. “When I went to Wilde’s that first night, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.”

He laughed softly. “Guess you picked the right door to lean against.”

“Guess so.”

We held each other’s gazes for a moment. Then he said, “We should get some sleep. You have to be up early.”

“Unfortunately.” I cupped his face and pressed my lips to his. “Good night.”

“Good night.”

Sailo rested his head on my shoulder as he often did when we first went to bed. He was out cold in no time, and I wasn’t far behind. As fatigue kicked in and I started fading, I kissed the top of his head, lay back on the pillow, and closed my eyes.

I knew eventually we’d separate and wind up on opposite sides of the mattress, but for now, he was snoozing peacefully with his head on my chest, and I was in no hurry to put a stop to that.

I loved this. I loved everything about it.

And couldn’t wait to see where things went from here.

Chapter Twenty-Five

I was tired as hell at work the next day, but it was worth it. Fortunately, everyone was always dragging at the office because we had to be there so damned early, and Monday mornings were especially brutal.

During lunch, Sailo texted me as he often did.

Have to be at Wilde’s at 8—drinks at 5?

As if he had to ask. I always loved meeting him before work. Even if we didn’t have time to fool around—though we sometimes did—just seeing him was enough to make my day.

We agreed on a wine bar a few blocks from Wilde’s. Wine bars were a little hoity-toity for my taste, but the place was quiet and the drinks were decent, so at five o’clock sharp, I met him there. When I walked in, I immediately zeroed in on him at a high table near the back. He met my gaze, but only for a second, and the faintest smile just barely registered on his lips before it vanished without a trace.

My stomach tightened. That was unusual. But hey, he was entitled to off days just like the rest of us. Maybe he was tired, or he’d had a long day. So I tried not to worry about it as I crossed the floor and took the seat opposite his.

Neither of us said much. I ordered a drink. He already had one. After mine came, we still stayed quiet, and the longer that went on, the more restless I became.

Throughout my marriage, I’d avoided breaking uncomfortable silences. Too often “What’s wrong?” turned into a fight over something stupid. Looking back, it was my own damned fault for letting the quiet linger until the frustration had festered. She could’ve come to me when she was upset, but I should’ve seen the signs sooner too.

Though there was no changing the past, I could at least try not to repeat the same mistakes in the future.

Steeling myself, I put my hand over Sailo’s. “You okay? You’re kind of quiet tonight.”

He watched our hands for a moment. Then, slowly, he pulled his back and released a long breath. “I think we need to talk.”

My gut clenched. Those six words had been the start of my marital supernova, and nothing about his tone suggested that this conversation was going to be any more enjoyable. I wanted to reach for his arm, but the tension in his shoulders made me wonder if he’d recoil. “Okay. What about?”

“Us. What we’re doing.” He kept his eyes down. “Whether or not we should keep doing it.”

My throat tightened. “Should we?”

“Well, I…” Sailo looked away for a moment, fixing his gaze on something across the room before he finally faced me again. “Look, you’re a great guy. Really. And we’ve definitely had some fun together. But I think…I think I need to call time on this.”

“What?” My heart dropped into my feet. I sat up. “Sailo, we—”

“Listen to me,” he pleaded softly. “This isn’t going to work.”

“But…how can you know that? We just got started.”

“I know, and it’s…I mean, it’s a rebound, and things like that, they…” He pushed out a long breath and met my eyes. “I’ve had a few rebounds, and I’ve been a rebound a few times myself. Sometimes it works, but usually, they go too fast, they get too intense, and then they blow up.” His brow pinched slightly as he added, “And it’s your first time with a man. You haven’t played the field. How can you possibly know I’m what you want in a man?”

I stared at him. “How…I…”

“I’m glad I was able to introduce you to gay sex,” he went on. “I’m glad I was able to make your first experiences good.” He’d been rehearsing this, hadn’t he? “But that doesn’t mean this is going to last forever. And I can’t just throw myself into relationships that I know aren’t going to work. I’ve got a kid to think about.”

“I’ve got kids to think about too.”

He shook his head. “Mine is too young to understand relationships. He gets that I like men, and that his moms like women, but he’s way too young to get his head around this kind of thing.”

“What kind of thing exactly? I’m not following.”

Sailo pursed his lips and lowered his gaze. Then he said, “I don’t want him to get attached to you—to us as a couple—only to have me turn around and explain to him why you’re gone.”

“Why
I’m
gone?” I blinked. “You’re the one putting on the brakes here, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Because I have to,” he whispered. “I’d rather end it now than after we’re both in over our heads.”

Oh, it’s too late for that.

I blew out a breath. “This is so out of left field. I…I don’t even know what to say.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. I…to be honest, my first thought was that we didn’t need to stop. We could just, you know, take it back a step. But…” He swallowed. “I’m sorry, Greg. I’m not doing this to hurt you. I just… I need to protect myself. And my kid.” He set his shoulders back, as if steeling himself. “I can’t take the risk that I’m your red sports car.”

“My red—what?”

“Your midlife crisis. Your experiment. The red sports car you buy so you can have your twenties back, and you sell by winter because you realize…” He shifted, his features tightening as he looked away. “Because you realize how impractical it is, and sell your toy for something more mature and reasonable.”

I gaped at him, barely comprehending what he was trying to say. What he thought I felt about him. “Sailo, you were a fling and an experiment…maybe for the first
week
. It’s been different ever since then.”
Hasn’t it?

He didn’t speak. I didn’t know what to say. Panic surged through my veins—what the hell
could
I say to stop this? How did I explain to him that this was like nothing I’d ever experienced? I couldn’t change the way I felt about him.

Maybe I was in over my head, but I liked it.

“We can’t keep doing this,” he said.

“Have I done something wrong?” I asked. “Is it… I mean, did—”

“No. No.” He put up his hands and shook his head. “Honestly, you’re a great guy. Anyone would be lucky to have you. But this… It’s just too fast. Too intense. It’s going to blow up in our faces.”

“Isn’t that what it’s doing right now?” More venom than I intended slipped into my voice, and I quickly added, “We can slow things down, can’t we?”

“I don’t think it works that way.”

I paused to collect my thoughts. After a deep breath, I looked him in the eye. “Look, I get it. I know rebound relationships usually don’t work, but sometimes they do. You don’t want to give this a chance to—”

“I don’t want to give it a chance to crash and burn like I’m ninety-nine percent sure it will.” He set his jaw and sat a little straighter. “The odds are just not in our favor, and I don’t want to get hurt like that again.”

“Sailo, I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I know you don’t. But, I mean, you said yourself you’re not sure if you’re gay or bi.” His brow pinched as he shook his head. “How can you be sure of what’s going on between us? You don’t even know who
you
are, Greg.”

“No, but I know I love you.”

We both froze. His eyes widened, and I cringed, instantly regretting the words.

“Shit, I—”

“This is exactly what I’m talking about.” He deflated a bit as he sat back. “We met, what, two or three
weeks
after your wife kicked you out after twenty-five
years
? And not only that, I’m the first man you’ve ever been with.” His eyebrows knitted together as he looked me right in the eye. “Do you really think something like this is going to last?”

“Is there any reason why it can’t?”

He exhaled hard, lowering his gaze as he reached up to rub his neck. “I’ve been someone’s rebound before. And I’ve been someone’s first before. It’s never ended well.” Sighing, he met my gaze again. “Being a rebound
and
your first? That deck is stacked against us. Has been from day one.”

I opened my mouth to speak, but Sailo continued.

“I was perfectly happy being your rebound and showing you what it’s like to be a man, but I don’t think either of us had any illusions about this turning into more.”

“Because I didn’t know it was possible to feel like this,” I said. “About anyone.”

Sailo flinched, breaking eye contact. “You’re not in love with me. You’re in love with your new freedom and with everything we’ve done together.” His lips were tight, his eyes pained, as he looked at me and whispered, “You’re in love with being alive again.”

“What? How the hell can you tell me what I’m feeling?”

He rubbed the bridge of his nose, sighing heavily. Lowering his hand, he met my gaze again. “It’s obvious from where I’m sitting. You’re infatuated with me because you’ve been able to have something with me you didn’t have before. But when you figure out that I’m too young, or you’re not over your ex-wife enough for a real relationship—where does that leave me?”

“Couldn’t any relationship blow up in your face? Or mine?”

“Of course.” He slid his thumbs into the pockets of his shorts. “But I don’t like to play unless I think the odds are at least slightly in my favor, and this…” He exhaled hard. “Look, I was okay with this turning into a relationship eventually, but it’s gotten too intense too fast. And that’s never a good sign. So, I need to stop before it crashes. Because I don’t want to be there when you wake up one morning, realize this is a rebound and a midlife crisis, and send me packing.”

For a moment, I couldn’t even pull in a breath. My brain frantically tried to make sense of everything he’d said in between panicking that he was ending things. “Do you really think that’s what’s going to happen?”

“Do you really think it isn’t?” He put up a hand. “We agreed at the start to take things slow and see what happened. And they’ve…happened a lot faster than they should have.” He grimaced. “Too fast for me to believe this has any kind of staying power.”

That hit me in the balls.

“Sailo—”

“I don’t doubt for a second that you’re sincere. What you feel… I know you’re not just blowing smoke. But you’re not in love with me. You’re in love with getting over your wife. You’d feel the same about any man who happened to be in my place right now.” He shrugged tightly, maybe a little apologetically. “And I just don’t want to wait around for you to figure that out and kick me to the curb.”

“So you’re kicking
me
to the curb?”

“I’m nipping this in the bud before we both get hurt.” He put up his hands. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.”

“Sailo…”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I need to go.”

My throat tightened.

He reached for me like he was going to touch my arm, but then apparently thought better of it and pulled his hand back. Folding them tightly in his lap, he said, “This is going to hurt. And I really am sorry. I’m not doing this because I want to hurt you. But give it some time, and you’ll understand why I can’t stay, and why we can’t keep doing this.”

“My ex-wife said something similar as she was showing me to the door of my own house,” I said through my teeth.

Sailo’s brow creased. “This is kind of my point, actually. You’re not over her. And you’re not in love with me.” He inched away, paused, and then rose. “I’m really sorry. I have to do this, though.”

He got up and started to go.

“Wait.”

He turned around, eyebrows up, but didn’t speak.

I swept my tongue across my lips. “Are you really telling me this is all…me?” I tried to keep the anger and hurt out of my voice, but it was a struggle. “You don’t feel anything?”

Sailo met my gaze, and the intensity in his eyes nearly drove me back a step. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I never said I didn’t feel anything.”

Before I could make sense of it, before I could extract a response from my stunned brain, he turned again, and he didn’t stop this time. As he walked away, I stared at his back, my mouth dry and my mind reeling as I tried to come up with some argument to make him stay.

But nothing came. All I could think was what if he was right? What if this was just a midlife crisis? Maybe a rebound-induced need to reinvent myself from the ground up?

The door opened.

Closed.

And he was gone.

I slumped back against the back of my chair, all the breath leaving my lungs at once. My head spun as I stared at the empty glass and the empty seat and the empty space between here and the door.

No. No way. He was completely wrong.

Wasn’t he?

If I wasn’t in love with him, then what the hell was I feeling?

My heart sank deeper in my chest.

What if he
was
right? Sure, the attraction to men had been there all along, but I’d never been unhappy being with a woman. Was I just doing this to get over my divorce?

Was
Sailo my red sports car? My much-younger rebound?

And if he was, why did it hurt so much to watch him go?