To Love Anew (15 page)

Lydia laid a hand on Hannah’s arm. “We can’t know God’s mind.” She squeezed Hannah’s arm. “Shame on ye for givin’ up on her. She’s not one to quit. She’s a vigorous little un, and she’ll get well.” She met Hannah’s gaze. “In the end, she’ll be stronger for this. Strength will serve her well.”

“Right you are.” Hannah climbed down from the bunk and moved toward a group of women who sat together. They picked insects from each other’s scalps.

Corliss looked up from tending a fiery red lesion on a woman’s leg. The entire calf was swollen. “You in need of company, dear?”

“I don’t truly know what I’m in need of.”

“Perhaps you’d like to join us?”

“Thank you, no.” Hannah had seen enough of weeping sores, and she’d nursed too many with the flux, ship fever, and sweating sickness. Today she had no more to give. She moved toward the stairway.
If only it were wash day
, she thought. The cold water made her hands ache and she detested the foul odor of the crew’s clothes, but she relished the time on deck.

She gazed at the hatch and wondered if the sun was shining. Light blinked in around the edges of the door; it seemed bright. Forcing her mind from the stench of sickness and filth, she imagined fresh sea air and a breeze.

Corliss Browning hobbled toward her. “How are you today, luv?” The elderly woman smiled and her face became a patchwork of lines. “You seem troubled.”

“Of course I’m troubled. I’m imprisoned here.”

“I mean more distressed than usual.” Corliss smiled.

She always knows
, thought Hannah. She loved this woman who never seemed to lose heart. Her faith remained intact no matter how dreadful the circumstances.

“I must admit to being disheartened.” She glanced at Lottie. “She’s so ill. Part of the time she’s not in her right mind. I’m afraid.”

Corliss looked at Lottie. “She is a dear one. But her fate is in the Lord’s hands. He knows her better than you or I. She’s his child.”

“I wouldn’t do something like this to a child of mine,” Hannah said, but before the sentence was complete, she was struck by a horrible truth. She’d done worse—she’d wished her own child dead. The room lurched and bile rose in her throat. She gripped the ladder.

“Are you all right, dear?”

Hannah nodded. “I’m worried about her. That’s all.”

“Ship fever kills. But not this child. She’s strong.”

“I pray you’re right.” Hannah choked back tears and tried to focus on Corliss. “How are you faring?”

“Good for an old woman.” She smiled. “I’ve a bit of rheumatism, but I’m well enough. The Lord has been good to me.”

“Good to you? What could someone like you have done that deserves this sort of treatment?”

“I am innocent of crimes against the King, but I’m a sinner all the same and do not deserve God’s grace. I deserve destruction.” Gratitude touched her eyes. “Instead, God blessed me, and he has all of my life. When I was growing up, I never knew a day of hunger. And I was loved by my family. I have much to be thankful for.”

“But all of that’s gone now. You live in this fetid hole and you’ve no hope for freedom when we arrive in Port Jackson. How can you be thankful?”

“Even here my life has value. And I’m fed and housed.” She glanced about. “Perhaps not in the way I’m accustomed. I admit this would not be my choice of accommodation.” Gentle eyes returned to Hannah’s. “I’m certain of my Lord’s presence. He takes this journey with me.” Tears washed into her eyes. “He suffered so much more than I can imagine. Because he loves me.”

“I wish I could believe as you do,” said Hannah. “To have unyielding faith is surely a comfort. I have so little faith.”

“The Lord has given you all the faith you need. It’s there.” She pressed her palm against Hannah’s chest. “Inside. You just need to believe it.”

Hannah shook her head. “No. It’s not there. God doesn’t love me.”

“Of course he loves you.”

“You can’t know the depth of my sin. You’ve surely never known such an offense.” Hannah wiped at her tears. “God can never forgive me.”

“There’s nothing he cannot forgive, except the sin of not believing in his Son.”

“I do believe. But . . .” Hannah needed badly to unburden herself, but she couldn’t bear to have anyone know how she’d wished away her child.

Corliss rested a hand on Hannah’s arm. “The Scriptures say that he loves us even while we are sinners.”

Hannah wanted to believe Corliss’s comforting words, but she knew she was forever tainted.

That night when the lanterns were lit, several sailors descended into the hold. “What a stink!” one of them said. “My gal will need a bath before she lies with me.” He stood at the bottom of the stairway and looked about.

Another one said, “Just keep yer nose pinched closed.” He laughed.

Hannah knew what was coming. She tried to be invisible, lying flat on her bunk. It had been many days since the men had come for the women. She’d hoped they’d never return.
Lord, protect me
, she prayed, unable to keep from quaking.

A sailor moved to a berth and grabbed a woman, dragging her off the bunk. It was Elizabeth. She was young and unmarried.

Lottie was still fevered and delirious. Hannah moved close to her and pretended to be asleep.

Rosalyn stood with her chest thrown out and her hips set in a provocative pose. “I can show ye a fine time. And I don’t ask for much.” She smiled. Three sailors moved toward her. “I’ll only go with one of ye.”

“Me. It’ll be me,” said the larger of the three. “I’ve a bit of brandy to share.”

“Brandy, is that all? Ye have no pretty things? Something a woman might like, eh?”

“I’ve a brooch, with fine gems,” another man said.

Rosalyn moved toward him. “I dare say, I’d like to see that.” She linked arms with him. “Do ye think ye could remove these irons?”

He looked at her manacles. “Can’t. Captain would flog me for sure.” He lifted her in his arms. “They’ll be no trouble.” With a chuckle, he carried her out of the hold.

Some of the women were like Rosalyn, hoping for favors from the men, but several were dragged from their beds, crying for mercy. Hannah closed her eyes and pressed her hands over her ears. Her blanket was thrown off and someone grabbed her. Hannah gasped.

“Awake with ye now.” A sailor with the smell of spirits on his breath studied her and grinned. “Ye’ll do just fine.”

Hannah huddled closer to Lottie. “Leave me. I’m not well.”

The sailor’s eyes wandered to Lottie. “I’ll take the girl, then.”

“She’s got ship fever,” Hannah said.

He reached for Lottie anyway.

“No. Please, sir, don’t.” Hannah took a deep breath. “I’ll go with you.”

He straightened.

“Ye’ve no right to take any of us,” Lydia said. “Prisoners we be, but still citizens of the King.” She pushed off her bunk and stood with her hands on her hips. “I’ll report ye. When the King finds out, ye’ll be sorely punished.”

“Got the captain’s permission. Figure that’s all I need.” He grabbed for Hannah. “Come on, then.” He yanked her from the bed.

“Leave her be. She’s a gentlewoman and deserves better than you.”

“No such thing as a gentlewoman on this ship,” the sailor jeered. He eyed Lydia. “One’s the same as another, though. How ’bout ye go in her stead?”

“I’ll not go anywhere with the likes of ye.” Lydia defiantly met his gaze.

“Ye’ll do as yer told.” He dropped Hannah and grabbed for Lydia. She ducked out of his reach. Angry, he leaped toward her, and when Lydia evaded him again, he grabbed her hair and held it fast, yanking her toward him. Grabbing at her hair, Lydia shrieked.

The sailor held her up in front of him. “Ye’ll do just fine. I like a wench with a little fire in her.” He grinned and pulled her along with him.

Hannah watched, horror spreading through her. She was certain her friend was still innocent. “I’ll go with you,” she shouted at the man.

The sailor stopped and looked at Hannah, studying her up and down. “Yer a bit scrawny. I like sturdier women.” He grinned at Lydia and kept moving.

Lydia pummeled the man with her fists. Finally, the sailor threw her over his shoulder and hauled her up the stairs. The hatch slammed shut.

Hannah stared at it, sick at what had happened. It was her fault.

Lottie pushed up on one arm. “Mum, is Lydia coming back?”

“Yes. She’ll be back. You sleep now.” She gently pressed Lottie down and covered her with a blanket, then moved to the bottom of the stairs where she waited.

13

Weak from months at sea and too little food, Hannah slowly climbed the stairs and stepped onto the deck. Perhaps the sunshine would fortify her. Today she and several others would wash the crew’s clothing. She looked down at her own dress, tattered and filthy, and wondered if it would hold together were it given a proper cleaning.

Her eyes immediately found the sea, searching for signs of land. There was naught but ocean all around. Several times in recent weeks, she’d heard cries of “Land ho!” She hungered to place her feet on solid earth, to see a tree or a bush, even a building. For too long she’d known only the confines of the ship and the endless roll of waves. Each time the ship ported, Hannah could only listen to the sounds of foreign seaports. Prisoners were not allowed on deck.

Today the seas were calm, glistening beneath a brilliant sun. The air felt hot and humid, and there was little wind to fill the sails. Without heavier breezes, they’d not put in to Port Jackson anytime soon. They’d already been at sea a month longer than expected.

Disheartened, she moved toward the front of the ship. Her eyes searched for a speck of ground in the distance. A sudden burst of wind caught the sails and lifted Hannah’s hair away from her face. It was cooling and reassured her that life could be pleasant.

Lottie skipped across the deck. Although dreadfully thin, she seemed in good condition. It was grand to see her so active and good to see her free of shackles. The captain had relented and allowed those who had shown themselves trustworthy to go without restraints. Hannah was also one of the lucky ones who’d been relieved of her irons.

Although thankful her shackles had been removed, Hannah couldn’t quell her anger. Why had they been forced to spend so many months fettered? What did the captain think might happen if prisoners could move about freely? The women were certainly no danger to him or his crew.

Lottie moved to the railing and peered over the side. “Look! Fish! Loads of them.”

Hannah joined her young friend and gazed down at the sea. “I’ve never seen so many.” The clear waters were alive with brightly colored fish. “That’s what we must have been getting in our stew.”

“I like it. Didn’t used to, but I’d say it’s one of me favorites these days.” Lottie smiled, her brown eyes looking like crescents surrounded by a palette of freckles.

How lovely she is
, thought Hannah.

“Do ye think we’ll see John about?” Lottie looked toward the men’s hatch, then to the back of the ship.

“I doubt we’ll see him. It’s wash day. Men don’t help with that.” Hannah turned and faced the wind. Closing her eyes, she relished its touch as it brushed her cheeks and eyelashes. Even the dampness in the air was something to be appreciated. Perhaps there would be rain and fresh water. The water coming from the ship’s casks had become brackish.

“It feels like a perfect day,” said Lottie.

Hannah opened her eyes. “It’s certainly a fine day.” Batches of white clouds hung in the blue sky. “A day to be thankful for.”

Lydia stepped out of the hatch and onto the deck. She sauntered toward Hannah and Lottie. “I’m grateful to be free of that place, even for just a bit.” She took a deep breath. “Fresh air—a true blessing.” She smiled and then looked about just as Hannah had done. “I was hoping we’d see land today. I’ve heard them calling out sightings. How long do ye think before we port?”

“Soon I hope. I can scarcely imagine how wondrous it will be to walk on solid ground again.”

“I hope there are trees where we’re going.” Lydia gazed out over the water. “They would be grand, eh?”

“It would be lovely to walk among trees.” Hannah smiled. “Do you think we shall be allowed to?”

Lydia shrugged. “We’ll not be free in Port Jackson any more than we are here even if we be on solid ground.” Lydia grabbed the bodice of her dress and pulled it away from her, fanning it in and out. “I sweat and sweat.” She wiped perspiration from her forehead. “I thought the cold was appalling, but this heat is worse. The bugs are everywhere. I can barely sleep at night for the scratching and swatting.”

Hannah didn’t want to talk about the ugliness of life. Today she’d think only of blue sky and swimming fish in a calm sea.

A door leading to the officer’s quarters opened and Rosalyn stepped out. She glanced at Hannah and Lydia, but she didn’t stop.

“She’s hoping one of the officers will give her a ticket of leave or maybe a pardon.” Lydia frowned. “It’s a hard way to earn yer freedom.”

“A lot of the women are doing it. But I’ve no confidence it will help at all.”

Sadness touched Lydia’s green eyes. “Don’t want to think on it.”

Hannah could feel a knot tighten in her gut. When Lydia had been taken by the crewman, Hannah had waited at the bottom of the steps until she returned. Her friend had said nothing then, nor since, about what happened.

Lydia glanced toward the hold. “Corliss is sicker than before. I fear she’ll not live to see Port Jackson.”

“Oh, but she must.” Hannah moved toward the hatch. “I’ll see to her.”

“Land ho!” called a sailor from a lookout on the main mast.

Sailors and prisoners crowded the railing. “Where? Where is it?” Lydia sounded exultant. She leaned way over the rail.

Hannah hurried to the balustrade. She grabbed the back of Lydia’s gown. “Be careful. John’s nowhere about to rescue you if you fall.”

“Indeed, I need me own champion.” Lydia’s eyes shimmered with merriment.

Hannah searched the deck, wishing John could be with her. It was a notable moment and one she wanted to share with him.

In the many months they’d sailed, they had managed few exchanges, yet she was drawn to him. His handsome face and his kindness had made the long days and nights more bearable.