To the Steadfast (15 page)

“What are we doing?” I
ask. “I just got back and I’m already jumping into bed with you.”

“Hey.” He holds his
hands out. “It’s just sleeping.”

With a long groan, I
walk into my bathroom and change into an old shirt. If you’d have asked me
three days ago if I’d let Mischa Cromwell back into my bed, I would have spit
on you, but seeing him again has confused every part of me. I turn off the lamp
on my bedside table and lay down with my back to him.

“Sweet dreams,” Mischa
calls out from behind me.

I wait for him to press
against me or at least cross the line, but he doesn’t. I’m left empty and
longing, and I close my eyes, drifting in and out of a restless sleep.

When I wake, Mischa is
gone. The only trace of him ever being here is the slight indent on the other
side of the bed. I reach my hand out and stoke the sheets, pretending he’s
still there. It’s still warm. The scent of motor oil and fruity gum still
permeates the pillow. An insistent ringing of the doorbell sounds through the
house. Pulling on a pink robe, I walk down the stairs. I can make out Killian’s
stature through the window. I’d completely forgotten we were gonna hang out
tonight. I pull the door open.

“I’m so sorry. I fell
asleep and lost track of time.”

Killian holds up two
brown bottles and pulls a bar of chocolate out from the pocket of his Hawaiian
print shirt. “No problem, I brought snacks for a quiet night in.”

“Sounds great.” I step
back to let him.

“Did you have a lazy
day?” he asks.

I decide not to mention
my day with Violet, especially not the part about Mischa.

I finally settle on,
“It was pleasantly uneventful.”

He shoves a cold bottle
in my hands.

 “What’s this? Root
beer? What happened to only drinking Killian’s lager?”

He pops the top off and
tries to hold back a smile. “Root beer goes better with ice cream.”

“Oh, gross. Did you try
beer and ice cream?”

We walk into the living
room and he begins pulling not only a chocolate bar from his pockets but a
handful of kisses from his pants pocket, a fruit and nut bar from his back
pocket, and a box of chocolate covered almonds from his waistband.

“You are a life saver!”
I grab a few of the chocolate kisses, unwrap one, and pop it into my mouth. “So
really, why are you drinking root beer?”

“A lot has happened
since you’ve been gone,” Killian says. “A lot of stuff I’d rather not explain.”

“I suppose if you don’t
want to.”

“I don’t.”

I briefly wonder if
this has to do with the girl at his house the other day or why he’s suddenly
drinking root beer. Last year, you couldn’t pry a good beer out of his hands.
Has Killian Carmike finally grown up?

“How are your parents? Are
you still in school?” I twist off the top of my drink and we both sit down on
the couch.

He turns on the TV and
kicks off his shoes. “Dad is busy campaigning for the election so it requires
me to be in town as much as possible so I can help. School is a waste of time.”

“Change your major
again?”

“Business.”

“Wow. Why business?”

“It’s a stable degree.”

“Sounds like your Dad
talking.”

Killian raises his head
and lowers his voice to mimic his father’s. “Son, you need to do something
better with your life. Stop dicking around.”

Hearing the word dick
come out if his mouth causes me to laugh. I can’t imagine his father ever
saying that. 

“Your parents haven’t
visited you?” he asks.

“Nope. Mom is too busy trying
to stay young with the latest miracle drug. My father works like crazy though
he is insisting I work with him this summer so I know what I’m getting myself
into. I’m going to go visit my Nona in the morning though. At least she’d be
happy to see me.”

The movie we watch is
completely boring. Something about the end of the world and lots of crude
jokes, but I get through it. When it finishes, Killian flips off the TV.

“Have you checked out
the subdivision yet?”

I completely forgot
about our place. I wonder if they’re still building houses over there. “No,
what does it look like?”

“Finished two more
houses and sold that big one we were watching them build. It’s beautiful.
Sometimes I go out there during the day and watch them work on it.

“I’ve got an idea!” He
jumps up and pulls on my hand. “It will be just like old times.”

“What?”

 He leads me out the
back porch and into the yard. He points up to the roof, and just outside his
bedroom window is a small blanket and two lawn chairs. The outside of his window
is decorated in Christmas lights. Yellow bulbs blinking against the night. “I
knew you’d come back one day.”

“Old times,” I whisper.

He stands behind me,
his hands resting on my shoulder. He leans in, breath hot on my ear as he
speaks. “Do you remember?”

I close my eyes and
nod. Hanging out with Killian was so simple and relaxed. I didn’t have to try
so hard to be someone else.  “I remember.”

He walks around and
stands in front of me. “What do you remember?”

I tilt my head to the
side and pretend to be deep in thought. “Shit talking, the usual.”

“Do you remember this?”
he moves his hands down the side of my head and around the back of my neck.

He’s never touched me
like that before, and a flurry of butterflies take over my stomach. I don’t
know if I’m nervous, excited, confused, or intrigued. “No... I don’t remember
that.”

His hand moves down my
shoulder and I reactively take a step closer to him.

“Do you remember this?”
he bends down and presses his lips against the base of my neck. A tingle shoots
through my body at his touch.

“No,” I repeat
breathlessly. I want to stop him, ask him why he’s crossing our fine line. The
line we’ve never crossed before, but I don’t. I want this, more than anything
else. Killian has always been attractive. Soulful eyes, cheesy grin, and
amazing abs. All superficial things, I know. Yet he was there for me when
things were bad. Some might even say he was my best friend.

“Good.” He presses one
last kiss against my collarbone before blowing a raspberry against the crook of
my neck.

Pushing him away with
both hands, I scream. “Killian! Why’d you do that?”

There’s a mischievous
twinkle in his eye as I slam him back against the house.

“Stop dicking around!”
I say in a deep voice like he had done earlier. I hit him in the shoulder once
more and he grabs his shoulder in pain.

“Ow! Geez, Cody. I was
only joking around.”

With an annoyed sigh, I
spin around and walk away. Why did he have to do that? Make me feel something
that, until five minutes ago, didn’t exist. I didn’t have feelings for Killian.
Correction, I don’t have feelings for Killian. There’s never been anything
sexual between us. Or has there been, but I’d been so hung up on Mischa I never
saw it?

“Race you to the
window!” Killian calls.

I don’t answer but
begin running. He’s gonna go around the house, but I’m gonna go through it. My
way is faster. The side gate that divides our houses always gets jammed and
only I can open it on the first try. When I tear through the front door,
Killian is already in his yard running up the steps to his house.  He wins. I
pause and make the rest of the trip in a slow walk. I hate losing, but he’s
taller, faster. Maybe going through the house was a bad idea.

“I’ll let you win,” he
says and moves so I can enter the house first.

The next few days are
relaxing. I spend my mornings at the senior center
with Nona, playing card games or reading to her. In the afternoons, I lay by
the pool. Killian has been busy helping his dad campaign at events all over the
district, but his little shrine on the top of his house has stayed intact,
lights and all. It calls to me, begging me to come up there. Violet and Mischa
have both been unusually quiet. Neither have come by, and I still haven’t given
my cell number to anyone. Lydia and Suzanne are scheduled to make an appearance
on Friday so I enjoy the little bit of privacy while I can. I also go to the
local grocery store and pick up a prepaid cell phone. My father has sent a few
text messages asking me to come down to his office and work with him. An
internship with him would look good on my transcripts, but every time I think
of college, I get a little sick to my stomach. I should be excited, not
dreading the upcoming year.

On Friday, when my
friends show up, I’m dying from boredom. I’d forgotten just how mind numbing
this place could be. I pull into the driveway with Nona in the passenger seat.
She’s coming home for an afternoon together for my birthday, and I can’t wait
for her to meet my friends from school.

“You are gonna love
Lydia and Suzanne. They were so welcoming when I started at St. Cecilia’s.”

Nona pats my leg. “I
will. Has your father called to wish you a happy birthday yet?”

He hasn’t, and I don’t
expect him to. She takes my silence as confirmation that he hasn’t reached out
and shakes her head. “He must be busy. My son wasn’t so good at the emotional
things in life.”

I’m doing everything he
wants and asks. Calling on my birthday shouldn’t be such a big deal.

“Are you ready for
college? A big step in life.”

“I suppose.” My voice
is monotone as I put the car in park. Killian told me to stand up for myself
and major in what I want before it’s too late. Ever since he mentioned it, I
keep wondering what would happen if I went to nursing school like I want.

“You don’t sound too
enthused about it.”

“I’ve been thinking
about not going.”

“But you have to go to
college.”

“I know, but I don’t
really want to be a doctor.”

Nona pats my hand. “I
had a feeling. Your father can be persuasive at times to get what he wants, but
if you want to be a nurse don’t let him stand in your way.”

“I know. I just don’t
want him to be mad at me.”

“He will get over it,
and if he doesn’t, I will have a talk with him.”

I give her a tight
smile. Nona can be scary when she gets angry, but at her age, I don’t want her
getting too worked up or worrying about me.

Lydia is sitting on the
hood of her silver midsized rental car and jumps up as I get out of the car and
rush over.

“I am so, so sorry,
guys. The traffic was horrible.”

Lydia waves a hand at
me. “It’s okay. We haven’t been here long, but Suzanne has already taken up
with your hot neighbor over there.” She points to the front steps where Suzanne
sits talking to Killian. I take a deep breath, my eyes never leaving the
couple.

“Um….what’s going on
there?”

“I don’t know. He came
over. She began flirting and voila!”

Sometimes I forget that
Suzanne knows nothing about my life before St. Cecilia’s. She probably has no
idea who he is to me. Not that he is anyone to me except my friend. Still, I
feel a little protective over him. More like a bit territorial.

Killian and Suzanne
rise and walk over. Suzanne looks perfect with her hair pulled up into a tight
bun. She’s wearing a pair of short shorts and a collared polo. Killian winks at
me.

“You made an old lady
get out of the car by herself?” Nona says, walking over.

“Nona! I’m sorry. I
forgot you were there.”

“It’s okay. Seems
everyone forgets about me these days.” She turns to see Killian walking over.
“Ooh la la. What do we have here?”

I hold back a very
unflattering snort. Nona always did have a thing for a good-looking guy.

“Nona, this is Killian.
He lives next door. And this is Suzanne and Lydia from my school.”

Nona pats the girls on
the back but throws her arms around Killian. “I’ve been telling Cody I need a
strong man to help me into the house.”

Killian winks at me and
hugs her back. “Well, any Nona of Cody’s is a Nona of mine.”

“Young man, you can
just call me Jane.” She lets out a low whistle.

I hook arms with Lydia.
“Well, girls. I have lunch inside. Let’s have a nice, quiet meal.”

Out of politeness, I
turn to Killian. “Would you care to join us? The girls have to get back home in
a few hours, but we were going to have cake and ice cream first.”

Suzanne blows out and
uses her thumb to point down. “Cody won’t take us anywhere. She’s being selfish
with her cute little town.”

“Trust me, you aren’t
missing much,” I mumble.

Killian shrugs. “She’s
right. Betty is a boring place. I can’t stay anyways. Places to go. People to
see. Senators to promote.”

I don’t argue, but am
sort of curious as to where he’s going and who he’s seeing. “See you later,
Cody.”

With a wave, he walks
off leaving both Nona and Suzanne salivating.

“You two are
despicable,” I say with a laugh.

“How come you never
mentioned you live next to that?” Suzanne asks as everyone follows me into the
living room.

“Next to Killian?
Because it’s Killian. He’s lived next door to me my entire life.” I attempt to
change the subject, not wanting to chat about my next-door neighbor anymore.
“How was the flight in?”

I hand everyone a plate
to begin filling up.

Lydia leans against the
counter and begins chatting. “It was uneventful, and my internship is boring. I
haven’t met a single actor.”

“It’s only been a week.
You have the whole summer ahead of you.”

“I suppose, though I
did talk to Tucker Jones on the phone for like a minute.”

Nona holds up a hand.
“Tucker Jones. Is he that blond-looking kid who plays a vampire?”

We all giggle. No
matter how hip and into it Nona tries to be, she will never be able to keep up
with all this pop culture.

“Nona, Tucker Jones is
on that show
Timelines
. He has the dark hair.”

“Oh.” She pretends to
get it, but I know she still has no idea who I’m talking about.

The rest of the
afternoon is spent catching up. We chat about school, catch Nona up on all the
latest movies and music, and even gossip a little. Suzanne even invites us all
to spend a week at her parents’ Hampton beach house later in the summer, but as
the evening approaches, my friends are forced to leave.

“I don’t want you to
go,” I complain.

Lydia gives me a long
hug. “I’m only three thousand miles away. Call anytime and don’t fall back into
bad habits.” She whispers the last part into my ear.

Suzanne gives me two
air kisses, one on each cheek. “I’ll be in Europe for the next month, but I may
have sporadic service. Call anytime.”

Nona gives them both
hugs and makes them promise to come back and visit with me at least once during
the school year. After the girls are gone, I help Nona back into my car so I
can get her home before dinner.

“You seemed sad to
watch them go,” Nona points out as I drive.

“I was. I’ve seen them
every day for the past year. It’s hard to be away from them.”

“But you have your
friends here. I suggest you have yourself a romantic wild rump before going off
the college.”

“Rump? I don’t believe
anyone uses the word rump anymore.”

“What is it you guys
call it then? BDSM?”

I cough on my own spit,
almost having to pull the car over to catch my breath. “Don’t ever repeat that
word.”

“Why not? Isn’t that
what you young folk call it?”

“No, we don’t. I
suppose some would call it a friend with benefits situation.”

“That’s what I said.
Anyway, have yourself some fun. Lord knows your mother and father could have
used it a time or two.”

“Well, I do I have one
guy in mind, but it’s complicated.”

“Your neighbor boy?”
Nona grabs my hand with a little too much enthusiasm.

“Uh, no. Just the
brother of a friend.”

“Ah, to be young again.
Just remember the golden rule. If you keep that golden rule, summer loves will
be beautiful and memorable your entire life.”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t give them the
power to break your heart.”

It may be a little too
late for that—that ship sailed years ago—but I nod in agreement.

Back at Nona’s home, I
sign her in but don’t stay for dinner. When I return home, I find a note taped
on my front door. Scrawled across the front of it, in tiny chicken scratch
handwriting is:

I enjoyed meeting
your friends, especially Nona. Meet me at the usual spot when the sun goes
down.

Feeling a little
tickled inside, I put the note to my heart and look around to see if he’s
watching. I don’t see him in any of the windows so I go inside, but I know he’s
watching.

“Who’s the Peeping Tom
now?” I yell out. I shut the door behind me. I’m halfway down the hall when the
doorbell rings.

I crack it open,
expecting to see Killian. Instead, Violet stands there.

“You slept with my
brother,” she accuses. There’s a fire in her eyes that scares me. I’ve never
been on the receiving end of her anger.

“What?” I don’t know
what to say. How did she find out?

“I asked you over and
over again if anything was going on and you lied to me. He took your virginity
and you never thought to mention it?”

I can’t believe he told
her after we agreed never to mention it. “I’m sorry. I thought you’d get
upset.”

She throws her hands in
the air. “Of course, but I’m even more pissed that I had to find out about it
from Mischa. He never came back to the lake the other night. He was gone for
hours. I knew you had some sort of unhealthy obsession with him, but I didn’t
think you’d were still into him. I’m just trying to protect you, Cody. You’re
leaving in a month, just go.”

Unhealthy obsession?
That is not true. “Come on, it was a year ago and for the record nothing is
going on between us now.”

“Yeah, right. He just
stays with you for hours the other day? I know my brother, and he doesn’t just
hang out with girls. You were supposed to be my friend, not stab me in the
back.” She stomps back to her beat up old Honda and speeds off.

There’s so much I
wanted to say, but when Violet gets mad, there’s no talking her down.

A few hours later, I’m
climbing the stairs to Killian’s room. Last door on the left. I remember it
like the back of my hand. The house looks exactly as I left it. Tastefully
decorated by a decorator with black and white photos covering the walls. I
pause at the top of the staircase and smile at one of the most recent additions
on the wall. One I’ve never seen before. A photo of Killian and his parents in
the snow. From their yearly Christmas card, no doubt. Killian doesn’t look
happy; the corners of his eyes don’t crinkle like they do when he laughs at me.
When he really laughs, he sticks his tongue into the right inside of his cheek.
He’s putting on a show for his parents, for the world. It’s such a shame the
world can’t see him like I do, or like I did. He’s been different since I’ve
been back, but I just can’t put my finger on it.

The last door on the
left is his, and as I enter his room, which you can tell has been decorated by his
parents as well because of the silly sailboat décor, I call out his name. No
answer. I take a moment to check out his room. A picture taped to a mirror
catches me eye. It’s the picture he took of us on Prom night. I pull it from
the mirror and run my fingers over our smiling faces. We look happy, really
happy.