Tokyo Love (28 page)

Kathleen looked down, the space between her and Yuriko just lit up enough that she could see their hands held loosely. Kathleen knew she should let go, that she had to. Instead she found herself gripping tighter. The fireworks were brighter now, shooting off rapidly together in a crescendo. She pulled Yuriko closer, for no other reason than she just kind of wanted to.

Yuriko took a step closer, facing her now, legs pressing Kathleen against the wall. It was hard to see her expression. The fireworks were lighting up behind her, silhouetting her with color and overwhelming sound.

Yuriko said something then, but Kathleen couldn't hear. She tilted her chin up, confused.

Yuriko leaned forward. Her cheek was suddenly pressed against Kathleen's, one hand on her neck, the other gripping Kathleen's hand so tightly that she could feel her pulse.

“What do you want?
Onegai
… please, tell me. I need to know.”

Her breath was warm and she smelled like food and sweat and a soap that Kathleen realized she
recognized
. That she had been so close to Yuriko so many times she had memorized her favorite scent. Her cheek was warm and Kathleen could feel her long hair brushing her lips, silky and smooth.

What did she want? To be caught up in this moment, filled with wonder and the new experience? Did she want to act impulsively, just giving in to what she thought she wanted?

Kathleen turned away, pushing Yuriko from her. Then she stumbled from the wall, back down the park. She had to get back to the crowds. She wasn't thinking right. She had to get back to somewhere brightly lit. Yuriko caught her just as she spotted the first booth.

“No. Not this time,” Yuriko said, loud enough that Kathleen didn't have to turn around to hear it. “We will talk to each other now. Plainly.”

Kathleen stopped. “I … I don't know. We have to find Ai.” She suddenly remembered and turned to Yuriko, pleading. “We haven't seen her since we got here. Maybe she—”

“Ai is
fine
. We are not dodging this anymore.” She took a deep breath and Kathleen realized just how fragile she sounded in that moment. “Kathleen, please. You have to tell me what you are thinking.”

They were standing in the middle of the crowded walkway. Everyone just moved around them, uncaring that they were both on the brink of something emotionally treacherous. “What is there to say?”

Yuriko was holding her wrist now and Kathleen could feel her nails, though it didn't hurt. “Do you want me, Kathleen?” she asked.

“I'm not sure what you mean?”

Yuriko's lips were tense. “You wanted to kiss me back there, didn't you? You kissed me in Nikko. After the
nomikai
, we—kissed in my own apartment. Tell me, Kathleen, what you think of me? What do you want from me?”

Kathleen had preparing herself mentally for this moment ever since she pounced Ai in her apartment. But now that it was here, she felt like she was drowning. She gulped in the air. “It's not that easy to say … ”

Yuriko suddenly dropped her hand. “Why not? Would it be easier if I said that I wanted you? That I want you so much that I probably love you.” She reached up, flipping her hair to one shoulder so she could tug at the ends of the strands.

There were people around, staring at their tense argument. They all shuffled past, trying not to make eye contact with Kathleen. Trying not to look like they were a little alarmed.

“You … you love me?”

Yuriko met her gaze, hard and steady. “Yes. Or, at least enough to know that I just can't let this waver on any longer. It hurts too much. I have to know how you feel.” She swallowed and it looked painful. “Either way. At least so I can move forward as needed. So I need an honest, simple answer. Are you even interested in me?”

“I … ” Kathleen had to look away and she could hear Yuriko's sigh of frustration. “I can't give you a simple answer. It doesn't feel simple.”

Yuriko suddenly stepped close, hands cupping Kathleen's face. She held her so gently, but her words were so hard. “Do you want me to kiss you?”

In that moment, with the crowds and the lights and the sounds, Kathleen couldn't breathe. No one was around them, yet everyone was watching them. She couldn't think.

“Yes,” she answered honestly. Because she was already arching toward Yuriko, hands just itching to reach out.

Yuriko remained still. “Then you do want me?”

“I don't know.”

“You say you want to kiss me but you don't know?”

Kathleen had to step back, eyes burning with tears. She wouldn't cry. She promised herself she wouldn't cry. “I don't know, okay? Maybe I want to kiss you now. But will I want to kiss you tomorrow? Or every day? Will I want to t-touch you? I don't know! I can't jump into something like this without knowing. I don't want to promise you something I can't keep and I don't want to hurt you when I realize that everything I'm feeling is just a symptom of being lonely in a strange country!”

She was gasping for breath. She wasn't crying and that made her feel a little stronger. She stood straight, though her stomach twisted in knots, and faced Yuriko.

Yuriko's hands were still raised, as if too shocked to move or realize that Kathleen had stepped away from her. “How could … is that really what you think?”

“I know it might sound dumb and I might be wrong. But I could also be right. I care about you too much to just … throw myself at you.” She blinked, taking in another deep breath. “It would be better this way.”

“Even if you are wrong? It is not worth it?”

“I don't want to be another Michiko.”

Yuriko's hands dropped. “You aren't Michiko. That was completely different.”

“But I don't want to date you only to find some guy and dump you for him.”

Yuriko made a slashing motion with her hand. “Michiko was bisexual. She
knew
this. We both did. She wasn't confused or playing with me. She
knew
she was in love with me and she
knew
when she fell in love with someone else. It hurt, yes, but the situation was completely different.” She sounded angry now.

“Well, then maybe I don't understand this enough. Is that not good enough reason that this is a bad idea?”

“I just can't understand why you aren't willing to even
try
.”

“I told you, I don't want to hurt you.”

“You are hurting me now!”

They were both out of breath and Kathleen realized that people had stopped passing so closely next to them. Others waiting in lines nearby were hushed, staring at them. Kathleen took a step away.

“That's it then?” Yuriko hurriedly asked. “We are just … ”

“I need to find Ai.” Kathleen hesitated. “I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore.”

“Friends? Kathleen, I … ” She closed her eyes. “Maybe we both just need some space. I'll just … I'll just make my own way back, all right?”

Kathleen nodded. “I'll find Ai. She can get me back just fine.”

They were both moving away and Kathleen wondered if she was making the worst mistake of her life. If she should turn around and apologize. It wasn't like she could take it back now. She had said what she felt, honestly. What more could she do?

It still hurt.

Yuriko didn't make it very far. Just a block away from the festival, she stopped outside a lonely
konbini
. She could grab the bus; it wouldn't be crowded going the other direction. However she found herself in desperate need of a break. A couple of guys loitered outside of it, drinking beer and laughing loudly. She was grateful they ignored her.

Leaning against the bike rack, she looked at her wrist, flipping through her emails, just to look busy. Her heart was pounding and her throat felt tight and raw. She wasn't the type to cry easily, or in public. Her eyes burned and she blinked rapidly, trying to calm herself.

She was almost considering grabbing a beer when the doors of the
konbini
slid open and a familiar face calmly exited.

“Ai?” she gasped.

Ai looked over to her, then smiled. “Oh, you found me! Kathleen just called.” She tapped on her forehead. “See? She didn't even miss me.” She glanced around. “She said she was at the beginning of the food booths. Is she not with you?”

Yuriko took a deep breath, ashamed at how unsteady it sounded. “No. I'm actually heading back now.”

Ai's expression changed, smile dropping, eyes lowering. “Oh.” She stepped next to Yuriko, leaning against the bike rack with her. “How bad was it?” she asked softly.

“We argued in the middle of the
matsuri.
” They'd probably shouted and Kathleen might have been crying. It kind of felt like a blur now. It all happened so fast. Though in that moment, Yuriko remembered feeling like it would never end.

“I had hoped … well, I'm sorry. It was something I could not anticipate.”

“Anticipate?”

Ai actually looked guilty, shrugging her shoulders. “I know Kathleen is … well, unsure about a lot of things right now. I had hoped that giving her some time, alone with you, would help her.”

“Wait, you purposefully left us alone tonight?”

Ai's lips twitched, almost in a smile. “Yeah.”

“Just to see if we would … hook up or something?”

“Confess. I wanted you both to confess. Whatever happened next would just be a bonus.” She sighed, looking up to the buildings. “I guess my analysis still needs improvement.” She reached up, tugging at her side ponytail. “I had just been so sure … ”

Yuriko went back to flipping through her emails, needing the distraction. “Well, Kathleen seemed pretty sure too.” Yuriko felt embarrassed, like she had gotten on her knees and begged. She had argued, as if she could change Kathleen's mind. It was ridiculous and she was a fool.

Ai pressed her shoulder to Yuriko. “Do you want to know why I had been so sure?”

Yuriko started deleting emails at random. Maybe she could focus if so many weren't clogging her inbox. “If you think it was because Kathleen was showing more ‘affection' toward me than she was to you, you are mistaken. Apparently I am just an easy subject to ease her loneliness. A convenience. It didn't mean anything. I don't mean anything.”

Ai's shoulder was warm, pressing harder against Yuriko until she looked up. “That wasn't why I was so positive in my conclusions.” Her eyes were bright, glassy in the city lights. “I had thought that before, I admit. But over the past week, I came to a more … concrete conclusion. One that was, or so it seemed, flawless.”

She reached up, moving a piece of Yuriko's hair that had fallen across her face. She tucked it neatly behind her ear, fingers warm and soft. She trailed down Yuriko's hair, tugging gently at the ends of the strands.

“We are the same. You could say it is a coincidence, I could say it is fate, and Kathleen would say that computers shouldn't believe in fate.” She grinned. “I was made to look and act like you. The cortex scan found in Kathleen this image of a perfect companion and compiled it all into data and inputted it into my appearance and personality. The cortex scan isn't random. It isn't biased. It reads and analyzes data more accurately than I can. All it saw was what was perfect,
absolutely
perfect for Kathleen.” Her hand dropped. “And it made a copy of you.”

Yuriko stared, trying to absorb what Ai was saying. She made it seem like simple fact, but her conclusion was too fantastical for fact. Too much like destiny and fairytales. Ai might look like Yuriko, might even act like her, but that was random. Ai was a computer program; she didn't see the world as random. Her mind was too ordered to understand chance.

“You are wrong,” Yuriko stated.

Ai stepped forward, tugging at the edges of her sleeves and
obi
in frustration. “I realize this now,” she said emphatically. “And I wish I had … just more time. I need more data. I need to analyze more. Try coming at this from a different angle … perhaps a new perspective. A new method … ”

“Ai, it doesn't matter how much time you have. People aren't computer programs. Things might seem like they should work out.” She swallowed, squeezing her eyes shut momentarily. “They might even seem perfect. But people don't always make sense. We do things that might seem right, but are actually wrong. We do things that feel wrong, but we know are right.”

She looked at Ai. She stood in the middle of the sidewalk, wearing Yuriko's
yukata
, hair becoming a little messy from a night out. She looked defeated, confused. She looked human. She looked like Yuriko.

Yuriko straightened herself, dusting off her
yukata
from where it had touched the bike rack. “You have all the time in the world, Ai. Your program will be given back to Kathleen, after all. She'll review it and revise for as long as the PLC project has a budget.” She reached out, feeling like she should touch Ai's face or hair. Yet she didn't want to. Instead, she tugged at Ai's
yukata
, though it really didn't need straightening. “I feel like I should say that I'll miss you, Ai. But then, I know I'll see you every day for years to come. You just might look a little different.”

They stood there in silence for a moment. The group of guys drinking beer had moved on. A family walked past them, a child sleeping in the woman's arms. There was a shriek of laughter down the street. They could still hear the fireworks exploding over the river.

“Kathleen is calling me again,” Ai murmured.

“You should go find her. She'll need someone to help her home.”

Ai looked up at Yuriko. She looked sad, but then she blinked and she stepped away. She lifted her wrist to her mouth, though there was no phone there. “Hey, sorry. Got a little sidetracked. No, don't worry. I'll meet you.” She nodded to Yuriko, then turned and walked away.