Totlandia: The Onesies, Book 1 (Fall) (2 page)

“Then why don’t you ask her where she got the diaper?”

“That’s not the point. The point is that I believe her.”

“No, ‘the point’ is that she’s lying, and you’re letting her get away with it because you’d prefer to pretend that your stupid parenting theory works.”

Lorna was about to strip the diaper off the doll when Brat’s Mom snatched it out of her hand. “Here you go, sweetie,” she cooed to her daughter.

To hell with that.

Lorna grabbed hold of the doll by the hair. So her friend wouldn’t lose the battle, Whimperer’s Mother lunged for the dolls legs. Between the steely wills of the three women (not to mention their Pilates-toned arms) Meredith the Journey Girl didn’t have a chance. When her head popped off, both little girls let loose blood-curdling screams.

“
Lorna?
 
What is going on?”

Lorna turned to find her sister-in-law, Bettina Connaught Cross, staring at her.

More to the point, she was staring at the savaged doll.

When her eyes moved to her nephew’s naked butt, they opened even wider.

“Oh my God! Bettina…” The color drained from the faces of both Brat’s and Whimperer’s mothers. But instead of waving, they practically genuflected to Lorna’s sister-in-law.

Lorna knew why. Bettina was the founder of the Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club, the most exclusive playgroup in San Francisco.

When, finally, Bettina tore her eyes away from Dante, her gaze swept over the two women. “Janie! Coraline! Happy Labor Day! Lorna, Janie’s little girl, Bailey, is in the PHM&T Fivesies group.” She nodded toward Piper’s friend. Then she smiled down at Piper, who also seemed awed by Bettina’s presence.

Lorna thought it a bit much when Piper’s mother nudged the girl into a curtsey. Bettina took it in stride, going so far as to pat Piper on the head.

“Ah, Piper. Such an adorable little girl. Janie, I presumed you mentioned to Coraline that the club just had an unexpected opening in the Fivesies. We’re going to miss little Alistair Stewart-Putnam, but duty calls. The British Consulate is transferring his father to Tokyo.” She sighed deeply, as if the loss left her bereft.

Coraline nodded vigorously. “Yes, of course! I put in Piper’s application the second I heard about it.”

“Well…we shall see. Already the club’s admissions committee has received twenty-eight applicants for the slot. Can you imagine? Of course, the Irish Consulate called immediately. He feels his niece should take it. But with his country’s economic woes of late—granted, it’s not her fault—but
 
still
. Personally, I’ve never bought into the philosophy of ‘guilt by association,’ but I’m just one vote among six—”

As if.

Like Lorna, Janie, and Coraline knew that a kind word from Bettina went a long way with her fawning admissions committee.

“—Her chances would have been better had six LucasArts wives not also applied,” Bettina continued. “Thank goodness Pixar is on the other side of the bridge, or we’d be inundated with their applications, too! Although, I must admit, PHM&T kids do love the invitations to all those free film screenings.”

Coraline swallowed hard, probably realizing that the odds of her daughter’s acceptance were in fact miniscule. As if cutting her losses on her eldest, she held up her squirming son to Bettina, like a fawning subject offering a gift to her queen. “I’ve submitted Ethan, too, for the Onesies group. His birthday was last Friday.”

If she expected little Ethan to be kissed, it must have been a terrible disappointment when Bettina backed away. “So robust, your little boy! He must be a handful. Well, here’s hoping neither of their little hearts get broken.” Her eyes widened at the thought. “On the bright side, I see you’ve both met my brother’s wife, Lorna Connaught, and my little nephew, Dante—” Bettina smirked in annoyance “—who, unfortunately, seems to have lost his pants. What a messy little guy we have here! Lorna and Dante have also applied for a Onesie slot. Talk about a small world. Alas, there are six legacy families this year, so the odds are quite daunting for the four slots that are left. And one-hundred-and-three applicants!”

Janie and Coraline gawked at Lorna. In the few seconds it took for them to realize they’d been in a tug of war with Bettina’s sister-in-law, their reddened faces had lost all color whatsoever.

For once, Lorna had a reason to be thankful in her sister-in-law’s presence. “I was changing Dante when his clean diaper flew away. Little Piper found it.”

Coraline pursed her lips. It was obvious to the others she was considering her next move in this most important game of social chess. If she didn’t let go of the diaper, would she alienate Bettina and ruin her son’s chances to get into the club?

Very slowly, she stripped the diaper off the doll and handed it to Lorna. “I’m so glad Piper was able to help.”

Lorna shrugged. “Thanks. See you around.”

The woman’s eyes lit up, as if Lorna’s goodbye might buy her a smidgen of goodwill with Bettina.

Lorna was tempted to warn her not to get her hopes too high.

For once, Coraline and Janie must have been thankful for Bettina’s disdain of small talk, which allowed them to murmur their goodbyes immediately with the excuse that they, too, had somewhere else to be. They scurried toward the swing set, dragging their daughters with them.

“As if I’d ever allow
 
that
 
woman in the club,” Bettina murmured under her breath. “What would that say about the club’s sense of ethics?”

Lorna nodded. “I know! That daughter of hers, what a little brat.”

“Silly. I’m not talking about the girl. It’s her
 
father
. His IPO was an
 
enormous
 
disaster.” Bettina waved her hand dismissively. “Speaking of scenarios that don’t pass the sniff test, Lorna, I’d suggest you put Dante into his pants before we reach Mother’s.”

“Oh my God! I left them with his diaper bag, on the picnic table.”

Bettina shook her head. “Run back and get it. I’ll tell Mother I couldn’t find you. She was miffed that Matthew let you take Dante to the park first.”

There was no mistaking the edge to her voice. Bettina’s four-year-old daughter, Lily, may have been Eleanor Morrow Connaught’s first grandchild, but she wasn’t her favorite.

That honor belonged to Dante. Just as Matthew had been her favorite child.

I guess that’s why Bettina hates me
, Lorna thought.

Lorna got more than her fair share of Bettina’s barbs, but the run-in with Janie and Coraline was a relief in one regard: it showed her that no one was spared.

Least of all anyone who gave a hoot about Bettina’s club.

Lorna included. She needed it for Dante. In her eyes, he was perfect. Still, it dismayed her that, at fourteen months, he’d yet to take his first step. And he was so shy among other children, rarely looking at them. Not to mention he barely spoke.

Being in the club would give him more opportunities to socialize. But to get in, every vote in their favor would count. Especially Bettina’s.

Lorna and Dante had just crested the hill when she spotted Janie and Coraline sitting on a bench right behind the table where she had left the diaper bag. It gave them a straight-on view of their daughters, who were now tossing themselves off the jungle gym onto a high pile of soft cedar chips that had yet to be spread by the park’s maintenance crew.

“Ah hell!” Lorna overheard Coraline saying, “I guess Ethan’s slot in the Onesies will go to Bettina’s sister-in-law’s mentally disabled nephew.”

Dante—mentally disabled? How dare she!

Lorna was about to walk over to them and give them a piece of her mind, but then thought better of it. Getting into another ruckus with these women wouldn’t prove anything.

They’re just jealous of my sweet little guy. And the last thing I want them to think is that they’ve hit a nerve…but…

Could they be the right?

No, never. Not in a million years.

But, why didn’t he smile more? Why wasn’t he more attentive when she talked to him?

No.
 
Dante was perfect. Those women were jealous. Their vicious cruelty toward Dante was proof of this.

Thank goodness Bettina had already made up her mind that Coraline’s brood wasn’t worthy of PHM&T.

And yet, Bettina always skirted any questions as to Dante’s chances in the club. Surely she wouldn’t let her feelings for Lorna get in the way of his membership.

Lorna couldn’t ask her sister-in-law outright. The last thing she wanted was for Bettina to know she was worried about Dante for any reason. Bettina would have to feel the same about Dante as she did: that he was perfect. That he’d be an asset to the club.

She wrangled Dante into his pants, then started back up the hill.

She’d just arrived at the large wrought iron gates on Eleanor’s estate when she realized Dante was wet again.

Frustration rimmed her eyes with tears.

She made sure to wipe them away before entering the corner grocery store, where the shop owners knew her as Eleanor’s daughter-in-law.

Even there, appearances were everything.

11:14 a.m.

By their second mutual orgasm, Brady Pierce’s latest lover had him convinced that the best lays were married women with toddlers whose husbands were workaholics.

“You know what they say,” she whispered in his ear, “third time’s the charm. You don’t mind if I’m on top this time, do you?” Her grin was wide and naughty.

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, sure, be my guest.”

A second later she was straddling him. She was still wet enough that she easily slid down onto him. With the practiced ease that comes with Bar Method-toned thighs, she inched up slowly, tightening around his member. Then back down…then up again…

Soon, this steady rhythm had her moaning ecstatically. Her eyes were shut tight, but he kept his open because he enjoyed watching the joy she showed in riding him. Had he been seventeen, just seeing her there poised over him, with that taut belly and those full breasts, would have had him coming again in no time. But he was a forty-two-year-old who had spent the last two decades of his life in front of a computer screen, and another decade before that on a couch, surfing too many TV channels and manipulating too many video game joysticks.

Sadly, their bouts of sex easily qualified as the most arduous workout he’d gotten in months.

At least in this position she could do all the work while he contemplated how to get what he really needed from her.

And it had nothing to do with his joystick.

Luck, nor fate, had anything to do with how they had met. He hadn’t stalked her exactly, but he had been monitoring comments to and from the Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club Twitter account (@ PacHeightsMoms). She seemed to live online there. Quite frankly, he found that somewhat pitiful.

But since she was also one of the club’s officers, she was perfect for his needs.

By the end of the week his short but charming posts had caught her attention. Her responses had been formal at first, then inquisitive. A month later, he showed up at Alta Plaza Park, one of the playgrounds she frequented with her children. He had recognized her from her online photo. Initiating small talk was easy as pie. He just plopped down beside her on one of the park’s benches and pretended to be engrossed in some story on his iPad.

It took all of five minutes and one long low whistle to pique her interest as to what he was reading. He answered with the name of the classic, which, he knew by following the club’s Facebook fan page, was its book-of-the-month selection.
 
Voila!
 
A second later she was pontificating about its plot, characters, and still relevant social significance as if she’d written the damn thing herself.

The fact that his eyes never left her face as they discussed the book soon had her fiddling with her hair self-consciously. When he complimented her on the charm on her the necklace, she blushed. The reluctant wince she gave an hour later, as her kids pulled her off the bench demanding she make good on the fro-yo she’d promised them, left him no doubt that within a month’s time she’d be sleeping with him.

Brady wondered how many times a week she’d taken her children to the park, hoping to bump into him again. He made sure it was infrequent enough to make her miss him.

When he did show up, he didn’t exactly flirt with her. His style was to toss out a joke at his own expense, then wait for her to laugh, at which point he’d pay her a compliment, pointing out how well her kids played with their little pals, and how, when he first saw her, he thought she was an au pair because she looked much too young, not to mention toned, to be a mom.

That statement alone was catnip to her. It was the proof she longed for, that she was still attractive—perhaps even desirable—after having two kids.

It was also the day she started flirting with
 
him.
 
“If you give me your cell number, I’ll text you proof of my stretch marks,” she teased him.