Touch the Sky (Free Fall Book 1) (21 page)

I
t was
my best friend’s older brother who made me realize I’m gay. Sure, I’d wondered before. I mean, a part of me had to have known, but it was Levi who made me admit it to myself. Or rather, it was the fact that when I really started jerking off on the regular, it was to thoughts of him. It didn’t matter that he was an asshole—a straight-as-straight-could-be asshole—he was the star player in a whole hell of a lot of my fantasies growing up.

But then I went away for college and made all of those fantasies and more come true. Not with Levi because of the whole being a straight asshole thing, but once I was out of Coburn, the small town in Oregon where I grew up, I didn’t need to pine after the guy I’d never have. I was in San Francisco for fuck’s sake. Home had a shortage of gay guys to choose from, but San Francisco was an all-you-could-eat buffet.

Now it’s winter break and I’m home from college, so of course the Levi-factor is in effect again. His family is throwing a holiday party and I’m sitting on their living room couch watching Levi do what he does best: charming a group of women. He must be telling some kind of joke or something because they’re laughing and smiling, all eyes pinned on him. He was always the golden child—straight A’s in school, popular, good at sports. Maybe that’s why I wanted him so much. He was everything I wasn’t. Not that I want to be those things, because I don’t, but on him they’re sexy as hell.

He flashes a smile at his admirers that gives me a tingle in my balls. Groaning, I try to look away but can’t. He’s always had this magnetic energy that sucks me in.

His hickory-brown hair has grown out since I saw him last. It’s hanging in his face, almost blocking his dark eyes. When he grins, big and bright, his thin lips stretched wide, the group does the same. It’s like when someone yawns and you’re powerless not to yawn yourself. Sometimes it’s as though he lends you some of his confidence, or at least I tell myself that. I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who feels that way as everyone looks at him like he’s teaching them to hang the moon. But then he has to go overboard when he puts his arms out, flexing his biceps. That’s when I roll my eyes and look away.

“What a fucking idiot.” My best friend Chris sits next to me on the couch. We met in fifth grade and we’ve been tight ever since. I was the quiet kid before I met Chris. Take after my dad that way, I guess, but Chris pulled me out of my shell.

We were always doing something stupid when we were kids. Nothing too outrageous: got caught drinking and smoking a few times, missing curfew. He stole two Playboy magazines for us to jack off to, which was when I first realized there was something different between the two of us. Naked girls and tits did nothing for me. I pretended to come as hard as he told me he did, and then a few months later, I was forgoing the magazines in favor of mental images of his brother.

“Eh,” I reply, because talking about Levi with Chris never goes well. He’s always had issues with his brother.

“Watch them, though—women eat him up. I don’t fucking get it. I swear to God if Gemma falls for him I’m going to beat his ass.”

Laughing, I look at Chris. His hair’s the same shade of brown as Levi’s but it’s shorter. Chris has always had this jealousy thing with his brother, which I guess is probably normal. I don’t have siblings so I wouldn’t know. His concerns aren’t too farfetched, though. Every girl who spends more than five minutes with Levi ends up falling for him. I can see why Chris would be jealous, especially because Chris had been in love with some of them. Or at least, he’d wanted to screw them. There was one girl in particular who Chris had been into. They’d fucked around a few times and the next thing we knew, Levi was taking her out. Chris hasn’t forgiven him for that one.

“I’m sure your girl isn’t going to fall for your brother.” If I don’t change the subject, he’ll go off on all the ways he can’t stand Levi, and I’ll want to stab my eardrums so I don’t have to hear it all for the millionth time. Nudging him, I say, “It’s kind of good to be home for winter break. I missed this.”

This
being his family. My dad was around and he tried his best, but it wasn’t easy for him to support us. He worked all the time to make ends meet, and Chris’s family let me pretend like I belonged there because Chris and I were close. It made things easier on Dad. He misses Mom more every time he looks at me.

“When will Gemma be here?” I ask. Chris went and fell in love our sophomore year of college. Since I’m in San Francisco and Chris’s school is back East, this break will be the first time I meet her.

Before he replies, loud laughter erupts from the other side of the room and I glance over to see Levi sitting by the table with his head tilted back, letting out belly laughs. I watch his throat move. He has a really sexy throat I wouldn’t be averse to kissing…and I really need to shut my goddamned brain down and stop lusting after Chris’s brother. Even if there was a chance in hell I could bang Levi, I’m pretty sure Chris would lose his fucking mind if I did. Chris is the best friend I’ve ever had, my only real one, and I wouldn’t sacrifice that for anything.

“A few days. She’s incredible, Toby. You’ll love her. I can’t wait for you to meet her.” Chris nudges me the same way I nudged him a minute before, so I pull my attention away from Levi and back to him. “What about you? You said there were all kinds of dudes to choose from at school.”

While I’m glad he feels comfortable talking to me about this, discussing my sex life with him isn’t something I’m in the mood to do. With Chris it’s all roses and hearts and love. With me it’s ass and hands and mouths. Big difference in what we’re looking for.

“There were plenty of guys.” I wink. “So many, in fact, I feel like I’d be doing them a disservice if I got serious about any of them. Who buys the first car they test drive?” That’s what going off to school was about for me. Yes, there’s the education, but I really wanted to
live
and experience all the shit I couldn’t while at home. I’m the only queer guy in my small town—the only one I know of, anyway—and I never had an opportunity to experience much of anything before leaving for San Fran.

Portland, which isn’t far away, has a great gay population, but it wasn’t always easy for me to get there when I was younger.

Chris has always been sympathetic to my situation in Coburn, but my brand of loneliness isn’t something he can really understand. It’s easier not to mention it much.

Still, he’s really the only person I have in my life who wants to be there for me. He never gave a shit that he was hanging out with not only the only gay kid in town, but the only black kid, too. He was my boy from the start and I was his. Reason number two I need to end my obsession with the oldest Baxter son. They’re like family to me, or at least they’ve always accepted me as such.

More laughter from the other side of the room. Nearly everyone at the party is congregating around Levi and he’s making the holiday party all the merrier, soaking up being the center of everyone’s universe.

“He’s such a fucking bastard. Always has to be in the middle of everything,” Chris says, each of his words making me feel guiltier and guiltier, because as much as he can’t stand his brother, and as much as I love Chris, I understand the draw of Levi. There’s something about him, and even after all these years, I have to grudgingly admit that it’s still pulling me in, too.

***

It’s a couple hours later when I’m sitting in the yard on a two-person swing. We got lucky and ended up with a few hours of sunshine—something that doesn’t happen often during December in Oregon—so I’m soaking it in.

We ate a while ago. The party has thinned out a bit, and Chris went to the store with his mom. My dad isn’t here. The Baxters invited him—they always do, and he always appreciates it—but he likes being alone too much. He has ever since Mom left us. He never got over losing her, and if that’s what losing someone does to a guy, count me the fuck outta ever being in a serious relationship.

There’s movement on the side of the house, a flash of color, and I look up and see Levi kneeling, his back against the house and his face buried in his hands.

What the hell?

It almost looks like he’s rocking, like his hands are knotted in his hair. Then, just like that, he pushes to his feet, straightens out his clothes, and turns around.

His eyes land on me instantly. And then…he smiles, his body language one hundred percent different than it was a minute ago.

In long, confident strides, Levi makes his way to me, making me wonder if I misjudged what I’d seen.

He’s wearing a long-sleeved shirt that hugs his chest and arms and a pair of loose jeans riding low on his hips. Dude, I love that. Love seeing the edge of a guy’s boxers sticking out over his jeans and rubbing my tongue along the seam.

“How’s it goin’ T-Rex? Enjoying your sophomore year?” He plops down onto the seat beside me, his arm, hot and hard, brushes against mine. He doesn’t move and I sure as hell don’t move because he’s gorgeous and I definitely don’t mind a gorgeous guy touching me. I do, however, wish he didn’t call me T-Rex.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Dinosaurs, man. That’s all I have to say. You were what, ten or eleven when we met you? I think you were obsessed with dinosaurs until you were at least sixteen.”

“Fuck off.” But what he’s said is pretty close to the truth. I used to want to be a paleontologist, which is funny considering I’m now an English major. Plus, those aren’t the kind of bones I’m into anymore, but it was a good aspiration for a kid.

“Embarrassed?” he teases, his voice a little softer than it usually is.

“No. And I was fourteen when I stopped liking dinosaurs. You can give it up now.” There’s nothing like the object of your fantasies seeing you as nothing more than a kid who he calls T-Rex.

“Aww, but I like to call you T-Rex.” Levi wraps an arm around my neck, and then pretends to ruffle my nonexistent hair. I keep it cut short enough that his attempt is impossible. And yeah, did I mention he treats me like a fucking kid?

“Get off.” I shove his arm away and Levi lets me.

“I’m just giving you shit. It’s good to see you.”

First, if he wanted to see me, it wouldn’t be hard considering he’s at Stanford School of Medicine and I’m thirty miles away at San Francisco State University. And second, I wish he was thinking it’s good to see me naked, but hey, I’ll take what I can get. “Yeah, it’s good to be home.”

Levi laughs humorlessly. “If you say so.”

At that, I turn to face him. That’s not something I would ever expect Levi to say. Yeah, everyone’s always known Levi’s too big for Coburn, but I thought he’d always loved home, too. Ever since he was a kid we all knew he’d grow up to be a big-shot doctor like his dad. Levi’s the guy who has everything and everyone loves him, so I’m not sure why he would hate being back here temporarily. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

He doesn’t answer right away. As he runs a finger over a seam on the swing’s arm, he’s almost subdued—like he’s a different guy than the one who was laughing and joking earlier, a different guy than the one I’ve always known. “Nothing. Ignore me, T-Rex. I’ll catcha later, yeah?” Without waiting for me to reply, Levi gets up and walks away, and I’m still sitting here trying to figure out what in the hell happened.