Tourist Season

Table of Contents

 

 

“BRASH MYSTERY ADVENTURE... FEROCIOUS FUN....
There's a fresh breeze, if not a full-scale hurricane, up from
Miami. Hiaasen, himself a columnist for the
Miami Herald,
writes with sardonic wit in a style so breezy that you want
to hang onto the mast with both hands.”

“WONDROUSLY TOLD!
TOURIST SEASON
IS WHAT WE
READ NOVELS FOR—HIGH ENTERTAINMENT AND
HIGH EXCITEMENT”

“MAKES
MIAMI VICE
LOOK LIKE
TERRY AND THE
PIRATES....I
CAN'T REMEMBER ANOTHER NOVEL
THAT COMBINES VIOLENCE AND COMEDY AS SUC-
CESSFULLY.”

“A REMARKABLE EXAMPLE OF WHAT TALENTED
WRITERS ARE DOING THESE DAYS WITH THE MYS-
TERY NOVEL.”

“A WONDERFUL ACHIEVEMENT, CONTINUOUSLY INVENTIVE AND SURPRISING, very funny but deadly serious beneath the laughs. Hiaasen's voice is his own...a hell of a job.”

 

more...

“A TERRIFIC SEND-UP OF FLORIDIANA...ZANY... satire as withering as a Dade County frost at the peak of citrus harvest ... one novelist who never seems to forget for a minute that a chief purpose of any work of fiction is to entertain.”

“FEROCIOUS AND FEROCIOUSLY FUNNY. You race through its pages at a gallop”

 

“A MOST ENGAGING NOVEL....Hiaasen has perfectly blended black humor with stark terror.”

“FIENDISH SUSPENSE AND WICKED BLACK HUMOR....
Does for Florida what
Candy
did for sex, and what
Semi-
Tough
did for football. A rollicking, exciting, exceptional
book.”

 

G. P. Putnam's Sons
Publishers Since 1838
200 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10016

Copyright © 1986 by Carl Hiaasen

All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission. Published simultaneously in Canada by General Publishing Co. Limited, Toronto

 

The author gratefully acknowledges permission from ABKCO Music, Inc., to reprint lyrics from “Sympathy for the Devil,” by Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, © 1968 by ABKCO Music, Inc. All rights reserved.

 

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

 

Hiaasen, Carl.
Tourist season.

 

I. Title.
PS3558.I217T'.54 85-24451

eISBN : 978-1-101-43665-3

 

On the morning of December 1, a man named Theodore Bellamy went swimming in the Atlantic Ocean off South Florida. Bellamy was a poor swimmer, but he was a good real-estate man and a loyal Shriner.

The Shriners thought so much of Theodore Bellamy that they had paid his plane fare all the way from Evanston, Illinois, to Miami Beach, where a big Shriner convention was being staged. Bellamy and his wife, Nell, made it a second honeymoon, and got a nice double room at the Holiday Inn. The view was nothing to write home about; a big green dumpster was all they could see from the window, but the Bellamys didn't complain. They were determined to love Florida.

On the night of November 30, the Shriners had arranged a little parade down Collins Avenue. Theodore Bellamy put on his mauve fez and his silver riding jacket, and drove his chrome-spangled Harley Davidson (all the important Evanston Shriners had preshipped their bikes on a flatbed) up and down Collins in snazzy circles and figure eights, honking the horns and flashing the lights. Afterward Bellamy and his pals got bombed and sneaked out to the Place Pigalle to watch a 325-pound woman do a strip-tease. Bellamy was so snockered he didn't even blink at the ten-dollar cover.

Nell Bellamy went to bed early. When her husband lurched in at 4:07 in the morning, she said nothing. She may have even smiled just a little, to herself.

The alarm clock went off like a Redstone rocket at eight sharp. We're going swimming, Nell announced. Theodore was suffering through the please-God-I'll-never-do-it-again phase of his hangover when his wife hauled him out of bed. Next thing he knew, he was wearing his plaid swim trunks, standing on the beach, Nell nudging him toward the surf, saying you first, Teddy, tell me if it's warm enough.

The water was plenty warm, but it was also full of Portuguese men-of-war, poisonous floating jellyfish that pucker on the surface like bright blue balloons. Theodore Bellamy quickly became entangled in the burning tentacles of such a creature. He thrashed out of the ocean, his fish-white belly streaked with welts, the man-of-war clinging to his bare shoulder. He was crying. His fez was soaked.

At first Nell Bellamy was embarrassed, but then she realized that this was not Mango Daiquiri Pain, this was the real thing. She led her husband to a Disney World beach towel, and there she cradled him until two lifeguards ran up with a first-aid kit.

Later, Nell would remember that these were not your average-looking bleached-out lifeguards. One was black and the other didn't seem to speak English, but what the heck, this was Miami. She had come here resolved not to be surprised at anything, and this was the demeanor she maintained while the men knelt over her fallen husband. Besides, they were wearing authentic lifeguard T-shirts, weren't they?

After ten minutes of ministrations and Vaseline, the lifeguards informed Nell Bellamy that they would have to transport her husband to a first-aid station. They said he needed medicine to counteract the man-of-war's venom. Nell wanted to go along, but they persuaded her to wait, and assured her it was nothing serious. Theodore said don't be silly, work on your tan, I'll be okay now.

And off they went, Theodore all pale-legged and stripe-bellied, a lifeguard at each side, marching down the beach.

That was 8:44 A.M.

Nell Bellamy never saw her husband again.

At ten sharp she went searching for the lifeguards, with no success, and after walking a gritty two-mile stretch of beach, she called the police. A patrolman came to the Holiday Inn and took a missing-persons report. Nell mentioned Theodore's hangover and what a lousy swimmer he was. The cop told Mrs. Bellamy that her husband had probably tried to go back in the water and had gotten into trouble in the rough surf. When Mrs. Bellamy described the two lifeguards, the policeman gave her a very odd look.

The case of Theodore Bellamy was not given top priority at the Miami Beach police department, where the officers had more catastrophic things to worry about than a drunken Shriner missing in the ocean.

The police instead were consumed with establishing the whereabouts of B. D. “Sparky” Harper, one of the most important persons in all Florida; Harper, who had failed to show up at his office for the first time in twenty-one years. Every available detective was out shaking the palm trees, hunting for Sparky.

When it became clear that the police were too preoccupied to launch a manhunt for her husband, Nell Bellamy mobilized the Shriners. They invaded the beach in packs, some on foot, others on motorcycle, a few in tiny red motorcars that had a tendency to get stuck in the sand. The Shriners wore grim, purposeful looks; Teddy Bellamy was one of their own.

The Shriners were thorough, and they got results. Nell cried when she heard the news.

They had found Theodore's fez on the beach, at water's edge.

Nell thought: So he really drowned, the big nut.

Later the Shriners gathered at Lummus Park for an impromptu prayer service. Someone laid a wreath on the handlebars of Bellamy's customized Harley.

Nobody could have dreamed what actually happened to Theodore Bellamy. But this was just the beginning.

 

They found Sparky Harper later that same day, a bright and cloudless afternoon.

A cool breeze kicked up a light chop on the Pines Canal, where the suitcase floated, half-submerged, invisible to the teenager on water skis. He was skimming along at forty knots when he rammed the luggage and launched into a spectacular triple somersault.

His friends wheeled the boat to pick him up and offer congratulations. Then they doubled back for the suitcase. It took all three of them to haul it aboard; they figured it had to be stuffed with money or dope.

The water skier got a screwdriver from a toolbox and chiseled at the locks on the suitcase. “Let's see what's inside!” he said eagerly.

And there, folded up like Charlie McCarthy, was B. D. “Sparky” Harper.

“A dead midget!” the boat driver gasped.

“That's no midget,” the water skier said. “That's a real person.”

“Oh God, we gotta call the cops. Come on, help me shut this damn thing.”

But with Sparky Harper swelling, the suitcase wouldn't close, and the latches were broken anyway, so all the way back to the marina the three of them sat on the luggage to keep the dead midget inside.

 

Two Dade County detectives drove out to Virginia Key to get the apple-red Samsonite Royal Tourister. They took a statement from the water skier, put the suitcase in the trunk of their unmarked Plymouth, and headed back downtown.

One of the cops, a blocky redhead, walked into the medical examiner's office carrying the Samsonite as if nothing were wrong. “Is this the Pan Am terminal?” he deadpanned to the first secretary he saw.

The suitcase was taken to the morgue and placed on a shiny steel autopsy table. Dr. Joe Allen, the chief medical examiner, recognized Sparky Harper instantly.