Trace + Olivia Series Boxed Set (178 page)

I turned my head away and the tears started anew, but since they mixed with the rain and the sky was black he couldn’t see them.

“I didn’t do this to us. You did,” I choked.

“Did you not hear me, Tate?! I love you! She kissed me! She followed me into my room and kissed me!” His teeth clamped shut and his brows drew together as he willed me to believe him, but I knew what I saw and I couldn’t get that image out of my head.

“I want to believe you,” I whispered, biting my lip as the rain fell harder, “but I saw how you held her…”

“Fuck, Tate!” He shoved his fingers through his wet hair so it stuck up. “That was me trying to push her away! What will it take to make you see that I only want you?!” He spread his arms wide as the rain pelted his body. 

I shook my head. “Jude, I…” I looked down, unable to find the words I needed to say. “I can’t do this.”

“What is this?!” He panted, spreading his arms wide. “You can’t let me love you? You can’t be with me? What is it that you can’t fucking do, Tatum?”

“I can’t be this girl!” I cried. “The one that turns into an emotional mess, because of some guy! I need to be stronger than that!” I took several steps back, shivering from the cold and nearly fell over from a dip in the street. I wondered if my neighbors were watching the scene playing out before them in the middle of the road. Between the veil of the rain and night sky, I doubted anyone could even see us. 

“What the hell is wrong with being upset? Huh? I’m hurt too, Tate! It tore me apart seeing that look on your face…having you run away from me. But loving you makes me a better person. With you, I’m me.” He beat his fist against his chest, as if trying to drive home the point that his heart belonged to me.

“Stop it, please,” I sobbed. “Just stop.” The rain felt like thousands of nails piercing my skin repeatedly, but the sting was nothing compared to the damage I felt to my heart. The way I felt right now had me convinced that being heartbroken was worse than any kind of physical torture I could ever be subjected to. I knew I never wanted to feel this way again. I’d been right to guard my heart all these years, and it figured that the guy I’d willingly given it to smashed it to bits. 

“Why the fuck should I? It’s the truth.” His chest heaved and his wet shirt clung to every muscle. Despite my anger my fingers itched to reach out and touch him, but I couldn’t. I was letting him go. He wasn’t mine anymore. 

“I need you to leave.” I stared at my shoes, because I couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“No.” He growled and I saw him take a step towards me. “I didn’t fucking kiss her, Tate, and I’m not leaving here until I get you to understand that.”

“Jude, please,” I begged, finally forcing myself to look at him. Rain slid off his face, getting lost in the fabric of his wet t-shirt. “This,” I pointed to him and then myself, “isn’t good for me. You need to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He repeated as he closed the distance between us and took my cheek in one hand, pressing my waist against his with the other. “I love you and you’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

He lowered his head and captured my lips in a searing kiss that I felt all the way down to my toes. I let my fingers tangle in his hair as I kissed him back. The rain mingled with our kiss, clinging to our lips. I kissed him back with everything I had in me. One last time, I told myself. 

He growled low in his throat and his hold on me relaxed.

He didn’t know it, but this was me saying goodbye.

I broke away and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, “Goodbye, Jude.”

Before he could react, I took off running for my house.

I slammed the door closed and locked it. My shoes squeaked against the hardwood floors as my back slid down to the floor. My butt hit it roughly and I knew my bottom would hurt later—but everything else hurt, so it didn’t really matter.

I started to cry again and Jude rang the doorbell. When that didn’t work he started smacking his fist against it.

“Tatum,” he called through the door. “Please, don’t do this,” he begged. He sounded so torn up, but I couldn’t open the door and comfort him. I couldn’t tell him that it was okay and make all of this go away.

The fact of the matter was I realized now that I needed to get stronger on my own and I couldn’t do that with Jude.

I wanted to believe that Brooke had kissed him and he hadn’t meant for it to happen, but I knew what I saw and right now I was too upset to think logically.

Love made you crazy, and I was the craziest of them all.

“Tate,” he cried, hitting his fist against the door again and again.

I didn’t move for hours, and neither did he.

He stayed outside the door waiting for me to open it up—to change my mind—but I never did.

Eventually I heard the sounds of his footsteps on the stairs of the porch. 

I forced myself to stand and I looked out the window, watching him get in his truck and leave.

My heart broke all over again as I watched the taillights on his truck disappear down the street. 

How had one of the best days of my life turned into the worst?

SOMEHOW I’D MANAGED TO get myself upstairs and climb in bed—Graham’s bed, because I wasn’t planning on going back in my room anytime soon. My mom probably would’ve snapped out of her…well, whatever strange in-between state she was in…and had a conniption if she’d seen that I had disturbed the shrine my brother’s room had become.

I was curled up in his bed, crying my eyes out, when Rowan found me.

“God, Tate, look at you,” she sighed, standing beside the bed.

“How’d you get in?” I mumbled. My eyes were puffy and it made it hard to see her clearly.

She shrugged and crossed her arms over her chest. “Trent happens to come in handy for lots of things, like picking locks.”

“Lovely,” I grumbled.

“What the hell happened?” She asked, sitting on the edge of the bed by my feet. 

I rolled onto my back and blinked bleary eyes at her. “Jude didn’t tell you?” I asked.

“When I went to talk to him he was too busy destroying his room to answer.” She sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m sure whatever it was, was silly and you two can work past this.”

“He kissed another girl.” Rowan’s eyes grew wide at my words. “Or she kissed him. But does it really matter?”

“Of course that matters!” She gasped. “If she kissed him, it wasn’t his fault, Tatum.”

“But why didn’t he push her away?!” I cried, reaching over to the nightstand for yet another tissue. I was pretty sure in the past twenty-four hours I’d used up nearly every tissue in the house.

“Maybe he did and you just didn’t see,” she countered.

“It felt like I watched them forever.” My lower lip trembled. “How would you feel if you saw Trent kissing another girl?”

Her lips thinned and she looked away. “I understand where you’re coming from, Tate, but don’t throw away something so great because of a misunderstanding. Life’s too short for that.”

I turned away from her and stared at one of the bookcases in my brother’s room. It was covered with books, pictures of his friends and even some with me, and all his sports trophies. “I need time.”

“Yeah, but how much time?”

I rubbed my eyes. “I don’t know. Until it stops hurting I guess,” I mumbled, wrapping my arms around the pillow and hugging it to my chest.

Rowan laughed, but there was no humor in the sound. “It’s never going to stop hurting, not if you love him. Do you love him?” Her eyes widened in surprise at her own question.

I nodded. “I do,” my lip trembled.

“Oh, Tate.” She climbed onto the bed beside me and wrapped her arms around me in a hug. “I’m so sorry. I know it hurts, but he’s hurting too. Please, don’t give up.”

Sniffling, I wiped beneath my eyes. “It hurt so bad seeing him kiss her. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I just need to regroup.”

“How long will that take, though?” She asked. “A few days? A week? A month? Forever?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled. “I just need to figure some things out.”

She smoothed her fingers through my hair and then started to braid it. I’d seen her do something similar with her sister when she was trying to comfort her. “If you need to talk about it, or a shoulder to cry on, I’m here for you.”

“Thank you,” I said and meant it.

“No problem. That’s what friend’s are for.”

We grew quiet as she braided my hair. After a while, I asked, “Can you stay for a while?”

“Of course,” she replied.

“I’m feeling a little hungry…could we order pizza?”

“Pizza sounds great. I’ll get it ordered while you shower.”

“Is that your subtle way of telling me I stink?” I asked, rolling over to face her.

She laughed. “No, but you look like crap and a shower always makes me feel better. Come on,” she pushed my shoulder, “out of bed.”

I rolled out of my brother’s bed and stretched my arms above my head.

Looking around, Rowan said, “This is your brother’s room.”

I nodded, even though it hadn’t been a question.

“Why the hell are you in here, and not in your room?” She asked.

I looked away and let out a sigh as sadness filled me once more. “My room reminded me too much of him.”

Just saying the words made me remember the feel of his body wrapped around mine as we slept in my bed.

Rowan’s eyes filled with pity. “I’m sorry, Tate.”

“It’s not your fault,” I mumbled, heading for the bathroom. If it was anyone’s fault, it was mine for believing I could be different. When it came down to it, Jude obviously thought I was another girl he could screw over easily. He’d used me until he’d grown tired of me and tossed me away like a broken toy the moment he kissed Brooke. 

I turned the hot water on and stayed beneath the hot spray for as long as I could stand it. Rowan was right, it did make me feel better. I let the water soothe my tense muscles and washed my hair.

When I got out of the shower I brushed my hair and teeth. I was surprised to find clean clothes waiting for me when I opened the bathroom door. Rowan had grabbed them and set them out so I wouldn’t have to go into my room. 

I grabbed the clothes and closed the bathroom door once more as I changed into the sweatpants and t-shirt. Despite spending all of last night and most of the day in bed, I felt exhausted. My rest had been filled with troubled thoughts.

I forced my sluggish feet downstairs and found Rowan sitting in the family room, watching TV. “Hey,” she turned around and smiled when she saw me, “feeling better?”

“A little.” I forced a smile, but it splintered and cracked. I began to cry as I sat down beside her. She grabbed a blanket, draped it around my shoulders, and pulled me into a hug.

“Shh,” she comforted. “It’s okay, Tate. Let it out.”

“Why does it hurt so bad,” I sobbed. “It shouldn’t be this painful.” I wiped my tears on the blanket. I was sick of crying over Jude, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I was hurt and angry—at him and myself.

“Oh, honey,” Rowan sighed, “love is painful. It tears you apart and puts you back together. It’s not meant to be smooth sailing. Relationships are hard. They take time and effort.”

“But that isn’t the problem,” I sniffled, my eyes stinging with even more tears. “He kissed her.”

“Oh, Tatum,” she sighed heavily and rested her chin on top of my head in a motherly gesture. “Do you really believe that?”

“I don’t need to believe it,” I choked. “I saw it.”

Rowan let out an exasperated breath. “Tatum, I really believe it was a misunderstanding. Jude…the way he looks at you…trust me, he wouldn’t hurt you like this.”

I slid away from her to put some distance between us. “Whose side are you on? His?”

Rowan blew out a breath, her hair swaying around her shoulders as she shook her head. “You’re both my friends, so I’m on both of your sides. Not one or the other. I had no idea what happened when I saw you go running down the street, but then Jude came out…” She bit her lip and her eyes filled with pain as if she was remembering something from her past. “That look on his face, was the look of a man in love and in pain. A man with that look would never try to hurt you on purpose.” Rowan’s face grew shadowed with anger. “Whoever this bitch is that fucked you two up, I want to punch her in the face. Or yank out her weave. Whichever would be more painful.”

My tears stopped, and I laughed. I swore only Rowan could make me laugh in a situation like this when she wasn’t even trying. I knew from her expression that she was dead serious.

“You know,” she leaned her head back against the pillows, “I don’t understand girls who want another girl’s guy. Like, bitch, come on. There’s other fish in the sea. Why do you need this particular fish, you know?” She turned her gaze to me and I laughed again. “It’s so not cool, but you know,” she grew even more serious, “I think girls, or even guys, that pull stunts like that are just really insecure with themselves. Please, Tate, please don’t let some bitch ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” Unshed tears shimmered in her eyes. “In all the time we’ve been friends, I’ve never seen you happier than you have been these months you’ve been with Jude.”