Trail of the Spellmans (39 page)

Gifts soon followed. Dad handed her the keys to the car he repossessed.
She had the common sense to be gracious about it. But I could tell her thoughts were elsewhere. In between accepting wrapped offerings and greeting her fellow revelers, she clocked the front door repeatedly.

“Come on, where’s your party spirit?” I asked. “You usually love birthdays, especially your own. Maybe only your own.”

“It’s hard to celebrate being the legal age to do anything but rent a car and be president when I’m wearing an orange jumpsuit twenty hours a week and cleaning garbage off the side of the highway.”

“Try to forget about it for just one night,” I said. Then I gave her my birthday gift. It was wrapped in a business envelope.

“What is this?” she asked.

“I have enjoyed visiting you at the work site and taking photographs as you fulfill your probation. And I’m not kidding, you look amazing in orange. But in honor of this momentous occasion, I decided to erase the images from my computer. I have a letter from Robbie Gruber confirming this fact. It’s not legally binding, but you can take my word for it. However, I did put them on a storage device should you ever need them for any reason. I promise, these pictures will not come back to haunt you.”

Rae took the envelope and stuffed it in her pocket.

“From you, that’s a pretty decent gift.”

“Happy birthday,” I said. Then I spotted Fred at the entrance. “I think your real gift just arrived.”

Rae stepped away from the bar and walked toward Fred, meeting him halfway, which seemed fitting considering that was all he had ever asked for.

I scanned the room and found Henry sitting alone at a table in the corner, nursing a drink.

“What’s a nice guy like you doing in a place like this?”

“I have no idea,” Henry replied. “What’s your excuse?”

“I’m apparently not so nice.”

“I beg to differ.”

I looked over at the bar and caught a nauseating glimpse of Bernie and Gerty kissing. “If those two can make it work, you have to wonder,” I said.

“Indeed,” Henry replied.

And then silence fell over us.

But it was hard to notice with the hum of conversation in the room. Eventually someone would have to say something; it was Henry who spoke first.

“How have you been?” he asked.

“I’ve been better,” I replied.

“It won’t last,” he said.

And that was true, because nothing lasts. And as many times as that idea causes pain, it can also erase it. I wanted that night to end and it did. But there would be other nights in the future that I would want to go on forever. And those nights wouldn’t last either.

After Rae tore apart the rest of her presents with a little more enthusiasm, she sat down at the bar and reviewed her boozy options.

“What’ll it be?” Bernie asked.

“I’ll have the usual,” Rae replied.

“Refresh my memory,” said Bernie.

“Ginger ale.”

It was comforting to know that in a world where you can’t count on a single thing to be true from one moment to the next, there can be one small, insignificant thing that stays the same.

APPENDIX

DOSSIERS

Albert Spellman

Age:
67

Occupation:
Private investigator

Physical characteristics:
Six foot three; large (used to be larger, but doctor put him on a diet); oafish; mismatched features; thinning brown/gray hair; gives off the general air of a slob, but the kind that showers regularly.

History:
Onetime SFPD forced into early retirement by a back injury. Went to work for another retired-cop-turned-private-investigator, Jimmy O’Malley. Met his future wife, Olivia Montgomery, while on the job. Bought the PI business from O’Malley and has kept it in the family for the last thirty-five years.

Bad habits:
Has lengthy conversations with the television; snacking; thinks he’s the boss of me.

Olivia Spellman

Age:
59

Occupation:
Private investigator

Physical characteristics:
Extremely petite; appears young for her age; quite attractive; shoulder-length auburn hair (from a bottle); well groomed.

History:
Met her husband while performing an amateur surveillance on her future brother-in-law (who ended up not being her future brother-in-law). Started Spellman Investigations with her husband. Excels at pretext calls and other friendly forms of deceit.

Bad habits:
Willing to break laws to meddle in children’s lives; likes to record other peoples’ conversations.

Old David Spellman (for New David, see this document)

Age:
36

Occupation:
Lawyer

Physical characteristics:
Tall, dark, and handsome.

History:
Honor student, class valedictorian, Berkeley undergrad, Stanford law. You know the sort.

Bad habits:
Makes his bed every morning, excessively fashionable, wears pricey cologne, drinks moderately, reads a lot, keeps up on current events, exercises.

Rae Spellman

Age:
20½

Occupation:
Junior in college/part-time Spellman Investigations employee

Physical characteristics:
Petite like her mother; appears a few years younger than her age; long, unkempt sandy blond hair; freckles; tends to wear sneakers so she can always make a run for it.

History:
Blackmail, coercion, junk food obsession, bribery.

Bad habits:
Too many to list.

Henry Stone

Age:
47

Occupation:
San Francisco Police Inspector

Physical characteristics:
Average height, thin, short brown hair, serious brown eyes, extremely clean-cut.

History:
Was the detective on the Rae Spellman missing persons case over six years ago. Before that, I guess he went to the police academy, passed some test, married some annoying woman, and did a lot of tidying up. Was Ex-boyfriend #13 for a while, but now he’s just Henry Stone.

Bad habits:
Doesn’t eat candy; keeps a clean home; likes to iron.

Demetrius Merriweather

Age:
43

Occupation:
Employee at Spellman Investigations

Physical characteristics:
Tall, athletic, a few prison scars.

History:
Wrongly incarcerated for murder; spent fifteen years in prison for a crime he did not commit. Was released, moved into the Spellman household, and currently works for Spellman Investigations.

Bad habits:
Must have back to wall at all times; jumpy; good at keeping secrets.

To learn more about wrongful convictions, please visit
www.innocenceproject.org
.
And if you’re interested in a FREE SCHMIDT! T-shirt (mentioned in Document #4), they’re still available at
www.freeschmidt.com
.

Maggie Mason

Age:
36

Occupation:
Defense attorney

Physical characteristics:
Tall; slender; long, unkempt brown hair.

History:
Dated Henry Stone; they broke up. Rae introduced her to David, and they began dating. Then they married.

Bad habits:
Keeping baked goods in pockets; camping.

Bernie Peterson

Age:
Old

Occupation:
Drinking, gambling, smoking cigars, being there. And bar owner now, I guess.

Physical characteristics:
A giant mass of human (sorry, I try not to look too closely).

History:
Was a cop in San Francisco, retired, married an ex-showgirl, moved to Las Vegas, moved back to San Francisco when she cheated on him, reconciled with her, moved back to Las Vegas. See this document for the latest in the Peterson saga.

Bad habits:
Imagine every bad habit you’ve ever recognized. Bernie probably has it.

And, for the hell of it, I’ll do me.

Isabel Spellman

Age:
34

Occupation:
Private investigator

Physical characteristics:
Tall, not skinny, not fat, long brown hair, nose, lips, eyes, ears. All the usual features. Fingers, legs, that sort of thing. A few more wrinkles than last time I described myself.

History:
Recovering delinquent, been working for Spellman Investigations since the age of twelve.

Bad Habits:
None.

Other Organizations That Use the CIA Acronym

The Cleveland Institute of Art

The Certified Internal Auditor® program, the only globally accepted certification for internal auditors

The Chemical Industries Association

Cosmic Internet Academy

Cru’ in Action!, a hip-hop group, which consisted of K-Dee, Sir Jinx, and Ice Cube

[There are more, way more]

AFFIDAVITS AGAINST BERNIE

GENERAL AFFIDAVIT

STATE OF:
Nevada

COUNTY OF:
Clark

PERSONALLY came and appeared before me, the undersigned Notary, the within-named
Shelly Sheen,
who is a resident of
Clark
County, State of
Nevada,
and makes this his/her statement and General Affidavit upon oath and affirmation of belief and personal knowledge that the following matters, facts, and things set forth are true and correct to the best of his/her knowledge:

I, Shelly Sheen, being of sound mind and body,
¹
dated Bernie Peterson on and off (mostly off) from the summer of 1998 through the winter of 2002. During that time, I never saw him wash one dish or pick up a single item of clothing off of the floor. The neighbors complained of his snoring and I was almost evicted. He never brought me flowers. There were always potato chip crumbs under the seat cushions and he would pour day-old beer into my plants. During summer he would store his dirty socks in the refrigerator, right next to the milk. I also think he was seeing at least three women on the side.

And he would never put the toilet seat down.

GENERAL AFFIDAVIT

STATE OF:
California

COUNTY OF:
Alameda

PERSONALLY came and appeared before me, the undersigned Notary, the within-named
Natasha Slovenka
, who is a resident of
Alameda
County, State of
California,
and makes this his/her statement and General Affidavit upon oath and affirmation of belief and personal knowledge that the following matters, facts, and things set forth are true and correct to the best of his/her knowledge:

Bernie always leave toilet seat up. I ask him again and again to stop and he keep leave toilet seat up.

Bernie very friendly with my friends. I think he too friendly. I stop dating Bernie when he start dating my friend Ivanka. He leave toilet seat up for Ivanka. She break up with him too.