True (13 page)

Tyler was still staring at the screen of his phone, held in front of him. “You know why we get along, Rory?”

“Why?” This could be very, very interesting. Or it could be nothing. I sat, tense, waiting to hear his thoughts.

“Because we both see beyond what other people see about us. We both know that sometimes the best things are below the surface. When I look at you, I see this amazingly smart, funny, generous, and beautiful girl. Did you know that?”

“No,” I whispered, my heart swelling.

“It’s true.”

The flash on his camera phone went off.

And I knew that I had fallen completely and totally in love with him.

Chapter Thirteen

It snowed that night for the first time, blanketing campus in the dewy softness of wet flakes, drifting down to land without a sound, fresh and pure. We walked from the visitors’ parking lot, where Tyler had left his car, to my dorm, me shivering but lifting my head to the sky, appreciating the beauty of nature. It was light outside from the snow, deceptively so, given it was nine o’clock, the air still and hushed.

Flakes fell on Tyler’s hair and his eyelashes, and I thought he was so gorgeous when he turned and smiled at me. “This will melt by morning,” he said.

“Probably,” I agreed. “But for right now it’s awesome.”

Like us.

My roommates were gone. Jessica had left for the weekend. Her cousin was getting married and she was a bridesmaid. Kylie was tucked up in Nathan’s bed, where she had been nonstop since Sunday.

Tyler and I were alone.

And I had condoms. I had bought them that afternoon, as an insurance policy, knowing we were going to be alone. They were sitting in my top desk drawer, and I had opened it to stare at them about five times, anticipation swirling through me in the form of both giddy excitement and arousal.

Tyler kicked off his damp boots by the door and shook his hair so that the snowflakes scattered. “Damn. Even I have to admit it’s cold out there. Come here and warm me up.”

He pulled me close to him and we kissed, the familiar feel of his lips pressed against mine tugging at my insides. I knew I was in love with him, and I knew that I wanted to feel him completely, intimately. I wanted to share with him what I hadn’t ever shared with anyone else. The mood felt right. We were in sync, our talk at the coffee shop giving me the confidence to show my hand—or at least the condoms.

So when he peeled my coat off and dumped it on the floor, I kissed him eagerly, running my hands down over his chest, and yanking his shirt up to feel the smooth hardness of his muscular body.

“Rory,” he murmured after we had stood there making out, our hips bumping into each other, breathing getting louder, lips moist and swollen. “Are you sure no one is coming back here?”

“Positive.”

“Come lay down.” He led me to my bed, and he yanked his shirt off over his head before he pulled my comforter back and nudged me down onto the mattress.

“Wait,” I whispered. “In my desk drawer.”

“What?”

“Go in my desk drawer,” I repeated, pointing past my head as he hovered over me.

He did, and he made a small sound in the back of his throat. “Shit, Rory. Are you sure?”

“Yes.” I had never been more sure.

Taking a deep breath, he pulled the box of condoms out and set them on the bed next to my head. Then he kissed me, hard, with an intensity that almost swallowed me. We had never been naked together, Tyler always staying in his jeans, me almost always completely dressed, his hands infiltrating from necklines and waistbands and under hems to touch me. But now he dragged my shirt up and off over my head, my hair spilling out across the pillow. As he kissed me, he undid my bra and slipped it off with an ease that surprised me. No fumbling. But I didn’t have time to worry about the implications of that because when his bare chest touched mine for the first time, I gasped, amazed that the simple brush of his warm flesh against my nipples could be so stimulating, so tingly.

When he undid my jeans and dragged them down with jerky motions, I felt a momentary twinge of self-consciousness, the cool air rushing over my bare thighs and stomach. But then he was touching me again and it didn’t matter, nothing mattered but him and the way he made me feel. I reached out and ran my hand along the length of him through his jeans, searching to understand what was going to happen, seeking to give him the same mind-numbing pleasure he gave me.

He swore. “Oh, baby, yeah.”

Then he did something I had been curious about and both looking forward to and dreading. His head went between my thighs, and he peeled my panties down over my hips and used his tongue to coax out the most delicious ecstasy I had ever felt. Within a minute, I was digging my fingers into his shoulders and letting out a soft cry, completely stunned at the tidal wave that had just rolled over me.

He smiled up at me over the contours of my body, and I felt overwhelmed, my chest heaving, my fingers shaking as I clenched the comforter, and I said the first thing that came into my head, the thing that was rising in me so quickly I couldn’t contain it.

“I love you,” I said, as he tore open the box of condoms and pulled out a strip of foil wrappers.

I didn’t mean to say it. But it came out. And I meant it.

He froze, his body going completely still. “You don’t mean that.”

“Yes, I do,” I said quietly, because I did. I shouldn’t have said it, but I couldn’t deny it. That was a lie I couldn’t tell.

Tyler shook his head. “You shouldn’t.”

“Why not?” I asked curiously. I reached for him, tracing my fingers along his jaw as I stared up at him, in wonder at my own emotions, at the beautiful realization that I could in fact love another human being, and that it could feel this good.

His jaw clenched beneath my touch, and his eyes were agonized. “Because . . .”

For a second it seemed he was going to tell me something, but then he collected himself, and pushed back, sitting up. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.”

“What?” I asked, stunned.

He was pulling his shirt on, patting his pocket for his keys. He stood up, looking panicked.

When he stood, I realized that he was fully dressed and I was laid out, completely naked, my panties around my ankles. Embarrassment and confusion made my cheeks and body burn. I pulled my underwear back in place and sat up, dragging the comforter in front of my nudity. “Are you leaving? Why?”

His fingers were already prying a cigarette out of his pocket, and he just shook his head at me. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

Shoving his feet into his boots without lacing them, he left, the door shutting with a loud
snick
behind him, leaving me alone in my empty room. The lamplight from my desk shone behind me, causing my shadow to reflect on the dirty brown threadbare carpet. I could see my messy hair, the outline of my bare shoulder, the lump of the comforter against my chest. Tears squeezed out, silently sneaking down my cheeks.

Then I shot into action. No. It wasn’t going to end like this. He wasn’t going to leave me here, mortified and wondering what the hell was going on after I had told him that I loved him. Shaking, I pulled on my sweater, not bothering with my bra, and dragged on my jeans. Grabbing my swipe card off my desk I ran out of my room, no coat, no shoes, no dignity.

After almost wiping out on the stairs, lungs aching, I burst through the front door of the dorm and spotted Tyler stepping off the curb to the parking lot. “Tyler!”

He turned and I ran toward him, bare feet sliding in the fresh snow, the shock of the cold making me gasp, teeth chattering from the weather and the trauma of what had just happened.

“Rory, what the fuck are you doing? Where is your coat?”

“How could you do that to me?” I asked, careening to a halt in front of him. “How could you leave me like that?”

He looked away, taking a drag of his cigarette. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have . . . I just couldn’t . . .”

That wasn’t any better. I smacked his bicep, surprising even myself with my vehemence. “Do you know how unattractive that makes me feel?”

His eyes widened and he shook his head. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.”

“Well you did!” I was sobbing now, and I hated myself for it, but I couldn’t stop the wrenching sounds from escaping me. “You know I’ve never had a guy interested in me. You know that I want to be with you. Why would you string me along like this? God, just knowing that my friends paid you to have sex with me and you still can’t make yourself do it . . . Jesus, I just want to die from humiliation!”

I hadn’t meant to tell him what I knew, but it hurt too much to contain it. I hit him again, feeling betrayed to the depths of my soul. I hated him for making me believe this was something more, and I hated myself for believing it.

His hand grabbed mine, stopping me from pounding into him a third time. “
What
? What do you know about that?”

“I overheard Jess and Kylie when they didn’t know I was awake. I know they gave you a hundred bucks to make sure I wasn’t a virgin anymore. But clearly you can’t even force yourself to be with me.”

“I never took the money,” he protested, looking horrified. “I never wanted the money, honest to God. You have to believe me! I just went along with their idea because I was genuinely curious about you, I swear, and it was the only way I knew I would get their support. Otherwise I figured they would try to talk you out of spending time with me.”

I hesitated, eyes watery, nose running, further confused. “Bullshit.”

“No, it’s not!” He tried to take my hand, but I pulled away from him. “I’ve always been interested in you, from the first time we met, back in August at Nathan’s. You were wearing this little floral dress and you looked so scrutinizing, like you saw through everyone’s shit, and I was curious. You seemed so different, so interesting. Genuine. Then when we started hanging out, I realized how much I liked you and I knew I couldn’t have sex with you right away because I knew you were a virgin and I didn’t want you to have a reason to be done with me sooner than later. I was worried that you would get what you wanted, satisfy your curiosity, then be gone.”

Was he insane? “You thought I was using you to learn what sex felt like?” I was appalled.

“Well, weren’t you?”

“What? No, of course not!” Not really. Maybe sort of, at first. But then it was more than that. “I was curious about you, too.”

“Even thinking that I had been paid to have sex with you?”

“Yes.” I nodded sharply. “Because it didn’t add up. It wasn’t logical. If all you cared about was the money then you would have moved as quickly as possibly, maximizing your profits. You wouldn’t have bothered to talk to me as much as you did, and you wouldn’t have taken things so slow. It didn’t add up.”

He gave an agonized laugh. “Thank God you’re so logical, because you’re totally one hundred percent right. It was never about sex for me, it was always about me wanting to be with you, getting to know you.”

A flicker of optimism cut through my agony. “So then why couldn’t you have sex with me tonight? It sounds like maybe we’re both on the same page.” Why, why, why? I desperately wanted him to convince me that I hadn’t imagined his attention, that he really did care, and I wasn’t an idiot to fall in love.

“Because I’ve been selfish this whole time. I don’t have anything to offer you. You are way too good for me. I’m just a guy trying to make life work and I’m dragging you down into my bullshit. It’s not right and I hate myself for being so fucking selfish that I’m letting you do this, letting myself do this.” He hurled his cigarette off into the snow in anger.

He wasn’t the only one pissed off. “Don’t tell me what’s right for me! You can’t decide that for me!” My finger poked him in the chest. “I want to be with you. I have made the choice to spend all this time with you. You didn’t force me to do it.” My body shook from cold and indignation.

“Rory . . .” His hands raked through his hair and his voice was pleading. “Please . . . just let me do the right thing. For once, just let me do the right thing and stay out of your life.”

My heart instantly melted. My anger evaporated. “Tyler,” I said softly, going up on my frozen tiptoes to cup his cheeks. “When do you ever
not
do the right thing?”

“What do you mean?” he asked gruffly, head turning slightly into my touch, his eyes tearing into me.

“I mean that you are honestly one of the best guys I have ever met. The question is not whether or not you’re worthy of me, the question is if I am worthy of
you
.”

“Of course you are,” he murmured, hands reaching to snake around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “The truth is, Rory . . . I’ve fallen in love with you. I love you. And that scares me. I don’t want to do the wrong thing. I don’t want to be your first and have you regret it later on when you’re a doctor and I’m still working at the convenience store.”

“You’re going to be an EMT,” I told him, tears welling again, not from upset this time, but from the overwhelming joy at hearing he loved me. I hadn’t even realized how badly I had been wanting to hear him say the words until he had. “And I may not have a lot of experience with relationships, but the one thing I do seem to comprehend is that when there is mutual love and respect, it’s usually a good thing, so I’m not getting what you’re so worried about. Didn’t you just hear me say you’re the best man I’ve ever met?”

For one long moment he just stared at me, then he leaned down and kissed me, hard. “I never stood a fucking chance, did I? You had me the minute I first saw you and I heard you telling the guy next to you that you were premed and that the
Human Centipede
movie is physically impossible.”

That alone amazed me. I hadn’t even thought he had noticed me, not really, until the night with Grant. “I knew the night you punched Grant. No one had ever stood up for me like that.”

“I wanted to kill him. Literally kill him.” Tyler squeezed me harder, pulling my body up against his.

“I don’t want to talk about him. I want to hear again that you love me,” I said, wrapping my arms around his neck. “And I want you to come back upstairs with me.”

“Done and done.” He kissed me. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Now let’s go finish what we started.”

That worked for me. But when I went to walk, I winced from the sharp pain in my frozen feet. A glance down showed they were bright red. Tyler noticed, too.

“Holy fuck, Rory! Where are your shoes?”

I shrugged. “I was in a hurry.”

“Oh my God . . . I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Then Tyler reached down and swept me into his arms. “I’m sorry, it’s my fault.” He kissed me, cradling me in his arms as he walked. “Do you forgive me?”

I snuggled against him, shivering, but thrilled. “Yes, for leaving without explaining, I forgive you. But running outside without shoes was my own fault and you can’t take the blame for that. It was my choice.”