Truly Married (21 page)

“Okay,” she said, anxiously wondering what he wanted to talk about. “Just let me stack the dishes in the dishwasher first.”

A few minutes later they seated themselves on the sofa in the living room, and Fergus got right to the point.

“Sharon, you haven’t said anything, but I’m sure you’re aware that I wasn’t using condoms when we made love. That was reckless and inexcusable, but I honest to God didn’t think of it. I wasn’t thinking period. Just feeling.”

Sharon nodded. He was right; she had been aware. But at the time it hadn’t mattered to her. “Fergus, I—”

“No, let me finish,” he interrupted. “If you’re not on the pill, which seems likely since you say you haven’t had a lover, then you were completely unprotected.”

Again she tried to break in, and again he stopped her. “I swear that it was never my intention to deliberately get you pregnant so you’d feel you had to come back to me. I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but not that way.”

This time she reached over and put her finger to his lips before he could continue. “Will you please shut up and let me say something?” she asked softly. “You’re right, I’m not on the pill....”

He groaned, but she went on. “But the fact that I wasn’t protected was as much my fault as yours. The first time I didn’t think of it, either, and the second time there was no need, but the last time I was aware of it before we actually, uh, coupled, only by then I was too involved to stop.”

His anguished expression tore at her heart.

“Honey, I—”

Again she shushed him. “Now be quiet and listen. It’s unlikely that I’ll get pregnant. This should be a safe time of the month. I’ll know for sure in just a couple of days. If I’m not, then there’s nothing to worry about, and if I am, well, we’ll have plenty of time to deal with it then.”

He looked slightly relieved, but Sharon felt a rush of tenderness at the thought of bearing Fergus’s baby. While they’d been married she’d been in college and he’d been busy establishing his career as a lawyer, so they’d postponed starting a family. With the blind confidence of youth, they’d been so sure that the years ahead of them would be happy and successful, that they’d stay married for the rest of their lives and that they’d live forever.

Only it hadn’t worked out that way, and in the years since their divorce she’d frequently wished she’d had Fergus’s child. A small replica of him to love, and raise, and fill her lonely hours. It had been a lovely dream, but in less fanciful times she was glad they hadn’t had children to be put through the torment of a broken family.

As for now, she didn’t dare dwell on even the remote possibility that she and Fergus might have conceived a small son or daughter during this wild and wonderful afternoon.

Chapter Eleven

S
haron shivered and struggled to put the thought of babies and prison out of her mind. The only way she could do that was to change the subject.

Before Fergus could comment further on their predicament she said the first thing that came to mind. “Were you and Elaine happy together, Fergus?”

She mentally cringed at her insensitivity. That was strictly none of her business, but he’d said they should discuss her continued animosity toward him. She didn’t want to quarrel with him; she just wanted to try to understand why he kept insisting that he still loved her, when he’d left her for another woman.

Well, actually, she’d left him, but it was because he’d all but admitted that he was in love with Elaine.

“Happy?” he said hesitantly, but with no apparent resentment. “
Happy
is a subjective word. It means different things to different people. I’d say we were reasonably happy, but there was always a shadow between us, your shadow, dimming that happiness.”

Sharon blinked. “Are you saying that was my fault?” Her tone betrayed both her surprise and her chagrin.

Fergus shook his head. “No, it was mine. I couldn’t stop loving you.”

Sharon wanted to scream at him. Throw something. Instead she jumped to her feet. “Dammit, Fergus, will you stop saying that! It’s insulting that you’d think I’d believe such a blatant lie. Why are you doing this? What in God’s name do you want of me?”

He sighed and dropped his head in his hands, and her exasperation evaporated. He was genuinely tormented—she was sure of it. He wasn’t a good enough actor to be so convincing, so why didn’t he just admit that he’d never really loved her?

He rubbed his hands over his face then straightened up and looked at her. “I’m not lying. I’m telling you the truth, but I can understand why you don’t believe me. I wouldn’t have believed it, either, if the situation were reversed and it was you trying to convince me.”

Sharon sank back down on the couch beside him. “We always hurt each other when we try to talk about this,” she said. “Maybe we’d better listen to music or watch television or something.”

“No,” he said. “We’ve got to talk about it. Otherwise you’ll never be able to forgive me. I’ll tell you anything you want to know as long as it doesn’t compromise Elaine’s dignity or right to privacy.”

She knew he was right, but she found prying into his relationship with his second wife distasteful and vowed to be more sensitive and considerate.

“You still miss her and grieve for her, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

Well, of course he did. That was a stupid question.

She tried again. “Was there any difficulty at the law firm when we were divorced and you married her?”

He hesitated. “There were no ethical problems, but the atmosphere was pretty sticky for a while. For months there was a lot of gossip and speculation behind our backs, and everyone seemed to feel embarrassed or awkward around us. The whole staff adored you, and although Elaine wouldn’t admit it, I know some of the more self-righteous considered her a home wrecker and snubbed her.”

His expression hardened. “The bastards. I just wish I’d caught them at it, but they weren’t brave enough to confront me.”

Sharon was startled by the surge of sympathy for Elaine that welled up inside her. She’d never wished the other woman harm, but neither had she expected to feel compassion for her.

“I’m sorry,” she said gently. “If I’d known I’d never have condoned that type of thing.”

His bleak expression softened. “No, I know you wouldn’t. You’re too kind and sweet to ever deliberately hurt anyone, no matter what they may have done to you.”

She shook her head sadly. “Don’t burden me with a halo and wings. I can be as vindictive as anyone. You of all people should know that. I’ve been scorching you regularly with caustic comments.”

His mouth turned up at the corners in a small smile. “That’s all right. It just reminds me that you’re mortal, too.”

She wanted to touch him, to curl up in his arms, but she couldn’t do that when she still had questions about his marriage to Elaine. It didn’t seem proper.

“Did you ever find out who sent those notes to me?” she asked. “The ones telling me you were involved with Elaine?”

“I wasn’t involved with her...” he began, then paused and sighed. “Well, I suppose I was, emotionally, but not sexually. And no, I was never able to trace down who those notes came from. I even hired a private detective, but whoever did it covered his or her tracks like a professional.”

Sharon shuddered. “I hate the idea of someone spying on us like that and deliberately causing trouble. It makes me feel naked and exposed. I suspect it was someone in your firm, perhaps another attorney who was jealous because you were the fair-haired boy there.”

Fergus reached out and twisted a lock of her hair around his finger. “I wouldn’t say I was the fair-haired boy,” he said with a half smile, “but I agree that it was someone in the firm.” His smile disappeared, although he continued to play with her hair. “If I ever find out who it was I’ll see to it that he or she fries in hell.” There was heavy menace in his tone.

Sharon had another question, but it was so personal that she hesitated. She’d been asked the same thing a number of times during their marriage and after the divorce, and it had always offended her.

Still, he’d said he’d tell her anything she wanted to know, and she really needed to know this. She couldn’t look at him, but lowered her gaze and took a deep breath. “Fergus, you...you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to, but I...I can’t help wondering...”

Her voice trailed off and his filled the silent void. “Why don’t you ask and let me decide whether or not I can answer?”

She glanced up and met his eyes. “All right. I’m wondering why you and Elaine didn’t have children. I mean, when you and I were married I thought you were as eager as I to get to the point where we could start a family.”

His expression was impassive. “I was, but Elaine didn’t want a child. I had no intention of forcing the issue. I’ve always felt that people who don’t want children shouldn’t have them. They seldom make good parents. Elaine was an excellent lawyer, and her career was vitally important to her.”

Sharon had mixed feelings about that. What happens when one of a couple wants children and the other one doesn’t? Is it always the woman’s decision? Doesn’t the man have any say in it?

She wasn’t going to open that can of worms. “I see,” she said, instead. “Then you were content to remain childless.”

“I didn’t say that!” Fergus exclaimed.

His tone told her he’d rather not pursue the subject further. She looked away again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I know,” he said quietly. “Would it be prying if I asked you if you still want a houseful of babies?”

She brightened at the thought. A houseful of Fergus’s babies would be heavenly. “Oh yes, I do. If I don’t marry again I’ll adopt. Single women can do that now, and there are so many unwanted children...”

Her bubble of dreams burst as reality punctured it, and she gasped at the sharp pain that swept through her. “That is, of course, if I don’t have to go to prison.”

He clenched his fists. “Don’t say that,” he grated. “It’s not going to happen.”

She knew that was wishful thinking rather than a statement of fact, but even so it was comforting.

Before she could reply he asked a question of his own. “If you should find that you are pregnant after our, um, carelessness today what will you do?”

She blinked. “Do? I’ll have the child and raise it, of course. If I’m in prison I’ll expect you to acknowledge it as yours and raise it.”

Fergus’s expression turned icy with shock. “You can’t possibly think I wouldn’t acknowledge a child of ours!”

“Of course I don’t,” she quickly explained. “The thought never occurred to me. That was just a bad choice of words.”

His face twisted with emotion. “There are other options,” he said shakily.

“Not for me.” Her voice was firm. “But if I am pregnant I have no intention of having our baby in prison, so you’d better find out who really did kill Floyd.”

Fergus stood and turned away from her so she wouldn’t see how close he was to losing control.

Our baby!
Two words he’d given up hope of ever hearing her say. They made him glow with anticipation inside, even as they broke his heart. How could he have been so careless? So reckless?

My God, she had enough to worry about without adding the possibility of an unplanned pregnancy!

“I will,” he vowed, “but if you’re not pregnant I strongly suggest that you start taking the pill again.”

She didn’t answer, and the ominous silence grew until finally he turned around to look at her. She was sitting sort of hunched over, with her head lowered.

“Sharon?”

She looked up slowly, and he saw the anguish in her expressive blue eyes. “That won’t be necessary,” she said sadly. “What happened this afternoon was wonderful. We both needed it, and I...I can’t say I’m sorry it happened, but it won’t happen again.”

He caught his breath, but she hurried on. “We can never be casual lovers, Fergus, and I won’t marry you again. But even more important, I’m going to be on trial for murder and you’re my attorney. We can’t be passionate lovers at night and still maintain a professional detachment in the courtroom.”

He had to stifle the urge to put his hands over his ears. He didn’t want to hear this! How could they not repeat such a mind-blowing experience? Especially when they were living in the same house. Their bedrooms were just a narrow hallway apart!

“Sharon, do you know what you’re asking of me? Of us? You were as involved in our lovemaking as I. Are you telling me you can just shut off all that passion and pretend it never happened?” He knew he was overreacting, but my God, he was a human being, not a machine!

“No, that’s not what I’m telling you,” she said. “You found out today how strongly I’m still attracted to you, but lust isn’t the same as love.”

“The hell it’s not!” he argued. “Passionate love is equal parts of unbridled lust and deeply committed caring. At least, that’s the way I love you.”

Sharon’s expression hardened. “And is it also the way you loved Elaine?” she asked coldly.

All the indignation drained out of him, and he sank down onto the nearest chair.
It always came back to that. The curse of caring deeply for one woman and being passionately in love with another.

His love for Sharon was intense. Passion, fireworks and ecstasy. His devotion to Elaine had been more mature. Calm, tranquil, a meeting of the minds. Although there’d been an instant attraction between them from the time they’d met, he’d always known that it was more cerebral than sexual.

Elaine had been his age, early thirties, with nine years of college and law school, plus four years of work experience, behind her. Her career was as important to her as his was to him, and they could discuss it intelligently and with full understanding. There was nothing frivolous about her.

Sharon, on the other hand, had been ten years younger and still in college. A schoolgirl, bright and ambitious, but so very young. Her interests had been college sports, rock concerts and saving the environment single-handedly.

In bed they’d been combustible, but outside the bedroom they’d had little to talk about. She’d known nothing about the law, and college sports had bored him almost as much as rock musicians had. He’d adored her, always would, but he’d gotten a little tired of waiting for her to grow up.