Tuning in to Inner Peace: The Surprisingly Fun Way to Transform Your Life (5 page)

During my first meditation class, I had a shocking moment. My teacher was guiding us through a series of steps designed to help balance our energy systems. At one point, he directed us:

Take your right hand, reach around in front and then set your hand down on our left neck/shoulder area. Look to the right, and then say 16 times, “I am not guilty.”

Try it and listen to the internal conversation that quickly erupts!

By about the 13th repetition, I finally managed a little internal silence. It was a startling change from the normal chatter in my head. Wow, what a relief. That feeling is something I immediately experienced as 'valuable', and have since made it a point to reconnect with.

Many of us have been raised on guilt, so it’s difficult to imagine life without it, or even why one would want to live that way.

In this context, I am talking about guilt as the repeated pattern of thinking about the past and feeling badly about it, rather than the simple fact of accepting responsibility for an action.

The 12-step program developed first as Alcoholics Anonymous has a beautiful method for thoroughly and systematically cleaning up our relationship with the past. The process begins with a written self-inventory, counseling with a sponsor, and then making amends.

Repetitive guilty thinking is a stake that pins our attention to the past. It makes us feel unworthy. It makes us feel stuck and ‘wrong’ in a way that can never be ‘righted’.

But we all know that it’s ‘perfectly human’ to make mistakes. Ah, yes, that’s it. We are perfectly human and we make mistakes. We commit errors, lose money, say or do hurtful things, and feel regret. Yes, that is perfectly human.

When you’ve done something wrong, you can’t undo it. The guilty thinking approach keeps you in internal turmoil, and fosters depression and inaction. In this state, inner peace is not to be found…which is a signal  that something in our thinking or attitude needs to change!

Guilt keeps you replaying a story that starts with, “I’m such a bad person. I should have …” It’s a complete waste of time that keeps you bound to the past. Doing so, means you are unable to move freely and be present for what’s in front of you now.

What’s a more useful course of action? Admit promptly when you’ve done something wrong. Spend some time sorting out any complexities of each situation. Then consider, “What can I do now to make amends for that situation. How can I ensure it doesn’t happen again?” Take actions now.

Start with a thorough, deep-cleaning guilt removal program. By addressing each issue honestly in the present, you’re snipping away the web of tiny threads that have tied your attention to the past. This alternate approach cultivates inner peace. You’ll feel the difference immediately.

Once you’ve experienced the freedom associated with cleaning up some of the past issues, you’ll want to find a way to keep this intact. Develop a daily ritual for repentance and guilt cleaning. This makes it a cinch to see your responsibility for today’s actions, what needs to be done and what needs to be changed. While guilt fosters depression and inaction, an honest analysis is a much more practical and effective approach. It heals and liberates you to experience the present fully. And that’s really living!


        
Day 1: find a place to sit by yourself. Try saying to yourself, 16 times, I am not guilty. And listen to the internal dialog that follows. Later, make a list of the top three to five things you feel guilty about.


        
Day 2: Consider the items on the list. Consider each situation compassionately, as if you were talking to a friend. What happened? Why? What did you learn from that experience? Were there some misunderstandings? Did you act in haste? Forgive yourself for being ‘perfectly human’. Brainstorm some actions for making amends. (Take as many days as necessary for this step.)


        
Week 2: Talk to a trusted friend about these situations. Develop a plan of action. Actions could include calling, writing a letter, making an apology, or doing something else to make amends. Next, take one action for each situation.


        
Do an inner peace check. Are you feeling more at ease, more loving and compassionate toward yourself and others? Continue to identify and address other areas of residual guilt.


        
Add a review and repentance check up to your daily routine. Are there any sticky spots that didn’t go well? Why? What can you do to apologize, right or avoid repeating that mistake?

“
I’m worried about you.”

“
I’m afraid things won’t work out for you.”

These are common statements most of us grew up hearing and using. They are pretty standard attempts to express love.

But, what I learned later is that this is not love. This is definitely not love. In fact, statements of worry and fear are the furthest thing from love.

Worry is fear, pretending to be love.

The same set of teachers that brought me along through other lessons, led me to reexamine the use of fear in my life.

In Al-Anon, the Twelve Step program, I learned that worry and fear about someone is as useless as idle chatter. But worse, it’s as damaging as gossip or slander.

And in Ghana, I learned about this from some great teachers.

What I experienced was that when you have nothing, you don’t fear losing it. If you don’t have a job, you don’t fear losing it. When you are hungry, you don’t fear being hungry.

And when I’d fret about these things, my friends looked at me as if I was a small child. They smiled, and gently said, “All shall be well.”

Of course, this just made me want to argue with them. But it’s hard to argue this and pretty pointless. Still, I tried.

In the west, we do act as if we are in charge of everything. So, when something goes wrong, it’s someone’s fault. If something’s not working, it’s a problem that needs to be fixed.

But in the areas I know in Ghana, so many have so little. The foundational aspects of our economy, what we consider basic rights, are often completely missing:  clean drinking water, free education, books and libraries, sewer systems, reliable electricity, clean public restrooms, homeless shelters, and on and on.

So, an individual that works hard and is creative in Ghana, may still face problems that our grandparents faced, but we in more affluent countries have not.

In my mind, if anyone could justify worrying, it’s them, not me.

But, my friends taught me how to enjoy the day, and how to have faith that all shall be well.

To waste a day worrying is seen as being immature. We see children whining, and we say, Grow up!

That’s the message I got when I worried. Grow up! Evolve! The elders in this community have taught the young that worrying (like whining) is immature and a habit that can be and should be outgrown.

Holding on to the Right to Worry?

I don’t know why this is. But many people that are otherwise enlightened, hold on tightly to their right to worry.

They say, It’s normal. It’s natural. I always worry about myself and about others. I have to. Everybody does. If I didn’t, I couldn’t manage my life.

But that’s the small approach to life.

Connect to what worry feels like. When someone says they are worried about you, how do you feel? Discouraged.

And when someone expresses hope and a vision that things will work out? Encouraged.

Taking away or giving courage to someone. Which would you rather do? Give up your right to worry. Live large.

Instead of insisting on your right to worry, instead, insist on your right to hope.

“If you have fear of some pain or suffering, you should examine whether there is anything you can do about it. If you can, there is no need to worry about it; if you cannot do anything, then there is also no need to worry.”-
Dalai Lama

A
Physical Approach to Handling Fear

“Fear is excitement without the breath.”

- Fritz Perls

There are two kinds of fear. There is the kind that you feel when a large animal is chasing after you. And there’s the kind that’s associated with worry. It’s this second kind that tears you up, inside and out.