Twilight 4 - Breaking dawn (42 page)

He stroked my face. “Slightly better than
okay
.” And then a perplexed expression crossed his face. “Renesmee?” he asked uncertainly, trying to ascertain what I wanted most in this moment. A very difficult question to answer, because I wanted so many things at the same time.

I could tell that he wasn’t exactly averse to procrastinating our return trip, and it was hard to think about much besides his skin on mine—there really wasn’t that much left of the dress. But my memory of Renesmee, before and after her birth, was becoming more and more dreamlike to me. More unlikely. All my memories of her were human memories; an aura of artificiality clung to them. Nothing seemed real that I hadn’t seen with these eyes, touched with these hands.

Every minute, the reality of that little stranger slipped further away.
“Renesmee,” I agreed, rueful, and I whipped back up onto my feet, pulling him with me.

22. PROMISED

Thinking of Renesmee brought her to that center-stage place in my strange, new, and roomy but distractible mind. So many questions.
“Tell me about her,” I insisted as he took my hand. Being linked barely slowed us.
“She’s like nothing else in the world,” he told me, and the sound of an almost religious devotion was there again in his voice.
I felt a sharp pang of jealousy over this stranger. He knew her and I did not. It wasn’t fair.
“How much is she like you? How much like me? Or like I was, anyway.”
“It seems a fairly even divide.”
“She was warm-blooded,” I remembered.
“Yes. She has a heartbeat, though it runs a little bit faster than a human’s. Her temperature is a little bit hotter than usual, too. She sleeps.”
“Really?”
“Quite well for a newborn. The only parents in the world who don’t need sleep, and our child already sleeps through the night.” He chuckled.

I liked the way he said
our child
. The words made her more real.
“She has exactly your color eyes—so that didn’t get lost, after all.” He smiled at me. “They’re so beautiful.”

“And the vampire parts?” I asked.
“Her skin seems about as impenetrable as ours. Not that anyone would dream of testing that.”
I blinked at him, a little shocked.

“Of course no one would,” he assured me again. “Her diet… well, she prefers to drink blood. Carlisle continues to try to persuade her to drink some baby formula, too, but she doesn’t have much patience with it. Can’t say that I blame her—nasty-smelling stuff, even for human food.”

I gaped openly at him now. He made it sound like they were having conversations. “Persuade her?”
“She’s intelligent, shockingly so, and progressing at an immense pace. Though she doesn’t speak—yet—she communicates quite effectively.”
“Doesn’t. Speak.
Yet.
”
He slowed our pace further, letting me absorb this.
“What do you mean, she communicates effectively?” I demanded.
“I think it will be easier for you to… see for yourself. It’s rather difficult to describe.”
I considered that. I knew there was a lot that I needed to see for myself before it would be real. I wasn’t sure how much more I was ready for, so I changed the subject.
“Why is Jacob still here?” I asked. “How can he stand it? Why should he?” My ringing voice trembled a little. “Why should he have to suffer more?”
“Jacob isn’t suffering,” he said in a strange new tone. “Though I might be willing to change his condition,” Edward added through his teeth.

“Edward!” I hissed, yanking him to a stop (and feeling a little thrill of smugness that I was able to do it). “How can you say that? Jacob has given up
everything
to protect us! What I’ve put him through—!” I cringed at the dim memory of shame and guilt. It seemed odd now that I had needed him so much then. That sense of absence without him near had vanished; it must have been a human weakness.

“You’ll see exactly how I can say that,” Edward muttered. “I promised him that I would let him explain, but I doubt you’ll see it much differently than I do. Of course, I’m often wrong about your thoughts, aren’t I?” He pursed his lips and eyed me.

“Explain what?” Edward shook his head. “I promised. Though I don’t know if I really owe him anything at all anymore. . . .” His teeth ground together.

“Edward, I don’t understand.” Frustration and indignation took over my head.

He stroked my cheek and then smiled gently when my face smoothed out in response, desire momentarily overruling annoyance. “It’s harder than you make it look, I know. I remember.”

“I don’t like feeling confused.”

“I know. And so let’s get you home, so that you can see it all for yourself.” His eyes ran over the remains of my dress as he spoke of going home, and he frowned. “Hmm.” After a half second of thought, he unbuttoned his white shirt and held it out for me to put my arms through.

“That bad?”
He grinned.
I slipped my arms into his sleeves and then buttoned it swiftly over my ragged bodice. Of course, that left him without a shirt, and it was impossible not to find that distracting.
“I’ll race you,” I said, and then cautioned, “no throwing the game this time!”
He dropped my hand and grinned. “On your mark . . .”
Finding my way to my new home was simpler than walking down Charlie’s street to my old one. Our scent left a clear and easy trail to follow, even running as fast as I could.
Edward had me beat till we hit the river. I took a chance and made my leap early, trying to use my extra strength to win.
“Ha!” I exulted when I heard my feet touch the grass first.
Listening for his landing, I heard something I did not expect. Something loud and much too close. A thudding heart.
Edward was beside me in the same second, his hands clamped down hard on the tops of my arms.
“Don’t breathe,” he cautioned me urgently.
I tried not to panic as I froze mid-breath. My eyes were the only things that moved, wheeling instinctively to find the source of the sound.

Jacob stood at the line where the forest touched the Cullens’ lawn, his arms folded across his body, his jaw clenched tight. Invisible in the woods behind him, I heard now two larger hearts, and the faint crush of bracken under huge, pacing paws. “Carefully, Jacob,” Edward said. A snarl from the forest echoed the concern in his voice. “Maybe this isn’t the best way—”

“You think it would be better to let her near the baby first?” Jacob interrupted. “It’s safer to see how Bella does with me. I heal fast.”

This was a test? To see if I could not kill Jacob before I tried to not kill Renesmee? I felt sick in the strangest way—it had nothing to do with my stomach, only my mind. Was this Edward’s idea?

I glanced at his face anxiously; Edward seemed to deliberate for a moment, and then his expression twisted from concern into something else. He shrugged, and there was an undercurrent of hostility in his voice when he said, “It’s your neck, I guess.”

The growl from the forest was furious this time; Leah, I had no doubt.

What was with Edward? After all that we’d been through, shouldn’t he have been able to feel some kindness for my best friend? I’d thought—maybe foolishly—that Edward was sort of Jacob’s friend now, too. I must have misread them.

But what was Jacob doing? Why would he offer himself as a test to protect Renesmee?
It didn’t make any sense to me. Even if our friendship had survived…
And as my eyes met Jacob’s now, I thought that maybe it had. He still looked like my best friend. But he wasn’t the one who had changed. What did I look like to him?

Then he smiled his familiar smile, the smile of a kindred spirit, and I was sure our friendship was intact. It was just like before, when we were hanging out in his homemade garage, just two friends killing time. Easy and
normal
. Again, I noticed that the strange need I’d felt for him before I’d changed was completely gone. He was just my friend, the way it was supposed to be.

It still made no sense what he was doing now, though. Was he really so selfless that he would try to protect me—with his own life—from doing something in an uncontrolled split second that I would regret in agony forever? That went way beyond simply tolerating what I had become, or miraculously managing to stay my friend. Jacob was one of the best people I knew, but this seemed like too much to accept from anyone.

His grin widened, and he shuddered slightly. “I gotta say it, Bells. You’re a freak show.”
I grinned back, falling easily into the old pattern. This was a side of him I understood.
Edward growled. “Watch yourself, mongrel.”
The wind blew from behind me and I quickly filled my lungs with the safe air so I could speak. “No, he’s right. The eyes are really something, aren’t they?”
“Super-creepy. But it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.” “Gee—thanks for the amazing compliment!”

He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean. You still look like you—sort of. Maybe it’s not the look so much as… you
are
Bella. I didn’t think it would feel like you were still here.” He smiled at me again without a trace of bitterness or resentment anywhere in his face. Then he chuckled and said, “Anyway, I guess I’ll get used to the eyes soon enough.”

“You will?” I asked, confused. It was wonderful that we were still friends, but it wasn’t like we’d be spending much time together.
The strangest look crossed his face, erasing the smile. It was almost… guilty? Then his eyes shifted to Edward.
“Thanks,” he said. “I didn’t know if you’d be able to keep it from her, promise or not. Usually, you just give her everything she wants.”
“Maybe I’m hoping she’ll get irritated and rip your head off,” Edward suggested.
Jacob snorted.
“What’s going on? Are you two keeping secrets from me?” I demanded, incredulous.

“I’ll explain later,” Jacob said self-consciously—like he didn’t really plan on it. Then he changed the subject. “First, let’s get this show on the road.” His grin was a challenge now as he started slowly forward.

There was a whine of protest behind him, and then Leah’s gray body slid out of the trees behind him. The taller, sandy-colored Seth was right behind her.
“Cool it, guys,” Jacob said. “Stay out of this.”
I was glad they didn’t listen to him but only followed after him a little more slowly.
The wind was still now; it wouldn’t blow his scent away from me.
He got close enough that I could feel the heat of his body in the air between us. My throat burned in response.
“C’mon, Bells. Do your worst.”
Leah hissed.

I didn’t want to breathe. It wasn’t right to take such dangerous advantage of Jacob, no matter if he was the one offering. But I couldn’t get away from the logic. How else could I be sure that I wouldn’t hurt Renesmee?

“I’m getting older here, Bella,” Jacob taunted. “Okay, not technically, but you get the idea. Go on, take a whiff.”
“Hold on to me,” I said to Edward, cringing back into his chest.
His hands tightened on my arms.

I locked my muscles in place, hoping I could keep them frozen. I resolved that I would do at least as well as I had on the hunt. Worst-case scenario, I would stop breathing and run for it. Nervously, I took a tiny breath in through my nose, braced for anything.

It hurt a little, but my throat was already burning dully anyway. Jacob didn’t smell that much more human than the mountain lion. There was an animal edge to his blood that instantly repelled. Though the loud, wet sound of his heart was appealing, the scent that went with it made my nose wrinkle. It was actually
easier
with the smell to temper my reaction to the sound and heat of his pulsing blood.

I took another breath and relaxed. “Huh. I can see what everyone’s been going on about. You stink, Jacob.”

Edward burst into laughter; his hands slipped from my shoulders to wrap around my waist. Seth barked a low chortle in harmony with Edward; he came a little closer while Leah retreated several paces. And then I was aware of another audience when I heard Emmett’s low, distinct guffaw, muffled a little by the glass wall between us.

“Look who’s talking,” Jacob said, theatrically plugging his nose. His face didn’t pucker at all while Edward embraced me, not even when Edward composed himself and whispered “I love you” in my ear. Jacob just kept grinning. This made me feel hopeful that things were going to be right between us, the way they hadn’t been for so long now. Maybe now I could truly be his friend, since I disgusted him enough physically that he couldn’t love me the same way as before. Maybe that was all that was needed.

“Okay, so I passed, right?” I said. “Now are you going to tell me what this big secret is?”
Jacob’s expression became very nervous. “It’s nothing you need to worry about this second. . . .”
I heard Emmett chuckle again—a sound of anticipation.

I would have pressed my point, but as I listened to Emmett, I heard other sounds, too. Seven people breathing. One set of lungs moving more rapidly than the others. Only one heart fluttering like a bird’s wings, light and quick.

I was totally diverted. My daughter was just on the other side of that thin wall of glass. I couldn’t see her—the light bounced off the reflective windows like a mirror. I could only see myself, looking very strange—so white and still—compared to Jacob. Or, compared to Edward, looking exactly right.

“Renesmee,” I whispered. Stress made me a statue again. Renesmee wasn’t going to smell like an animal. Would I put her in danger?
“Come and see,” Edward murmured. “I know you can handle this.” “You’ll help me?” I whispered through motionless lips.
“Of course I will.”
“And Emmett and Jasper—just in case?”

“We’ll take care of you, Bella. Don’t worry, we’ll be ready. None of us would risk Renesmee. I think you’ll be surprised at how entirely she’s already wrapped us all around her little fingers. She’ll be perfectly safe, no matter what.”

My yearning to see her, to understand the worship in his voice, broke my frozen pose. I took a step forward.
And then Jacob was in my way, his face a mask of worry.
“Are you
sure
, bloodsucker?” he demanded of Edward, his voice almost pleading. I’d never heard him speak to Edward that way. “I don’t like this. Maybe she should wait—”
“You had your test, Jacob.”
It was Jacob’s test?
“But—,” Jacob began.
“But nothing,” Edward said, suddenly exasperated. “Bella needs to see
our
daughter. Get out of her way.”
Jacob shot me an odd, frantic look and then turned and nearly sprinted into the house ahead of us.
Edward growled.