Twilight Girl

Twilight Girl

By

Della Martin

Twilight Girl

By Della Martin

First published in 1961.

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ISBN:  978-1-936456-34-5

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Part One

KID STUFF

CHAPTER 1

It was on the day Lon Harris decided to spare the mutt that she met the girl with the violet hair. In the psychiatrically charted years to come, Lon might occasionally pause to reflect upon this fact, searching the seemingly fortuitous occurrences for some suggestion of ironic pattern—speculating, perhaps, on the alternate courses her life might have taken if:

(1) Miss Chamberlin's dog had eaten the greasy mound of hamburger, liberally loaded with the pulverized remains of a 7-Up bottle, and

(2) If Lon had not made the acquaintance of a shapely car-hop whose name, translated from Czech, meant Violet Soup.

But throughout that day in mid-June—the last day of school—Lon Harris lacked the composure for musing on the vagaries of fate. She did, as she had always done, the things it occurred to her to do.

English III was Lon's final period. Today it amounted to no more than a tension-charged killing of time for the Wellington High junior class. Books had been turned in on the previous morning and Miss Chamberlin staved off the mounting restlessness by inviting the students to discuss their plans for the summer. Listening to this recital, Lon was tremulous, her eyes chained to the wall clock. She was longing for and yet dreading the electric bell that would eject her, perhaps forever, from the warm presence of Netta Chamberlin. Waiting, Lon listened impatiently to the self-conscious voices.

HELEN LANG: I'm going to Oregon with my folks for three weeks. We've got this darling aqua trailer that just matches our car and it'll be my first time out of California.

And, waiting, Lon wondered. Had Miss Chamberlin read the note? Read the revealing words? Yes, she had read it, she must have read it. But what would she say? When this hour was ended, what would she say?

RALPH ALVAREZ: My uncle got a body shop in San Fernando. I'll be workin' there if he don't can me.

I held it in the palm of my hand all during class yesterday, Lon thought. Held it so tight that maybe the paper soaked up sweat—maybe the ink ran. And I held back to let everyone out of the room before me, so I could drop it unseen on her desk. But, oh, God, what if it was too blurry to read?

MARGIE McCANN: Oh, just horse around, I guess. Go to the beach. I don't know.

Waiting and remembering, that's what Lon was doing. Seeing the words as she hoped Netta Chamberlin had seen them:
I
am putting my innermost thoughts down because I know you feel the same way.
(The last six words scratched out for a more impressive phrase.)
I am cognizant of the fact that we share the same deep emotions and I have a plan whereby we can be together that I must tell you about.
(The tiny slip of paper running out then, with still so much unsaid!)
I
would die if this was the last time I saw you. With all my love, Lon Harris.
(Squeezing the last words uphill into the margin.)

DAN OSTERMAIER: Summer school. No comment!

Scattered applause, laughter. Then the switch-blade shrillness of the bell, the casual goodbyes, the cries of "This is
it!"
and, "Ye-ay-y!" The world that was not her world stampeded for the door and Lon lingered, paralyzed with the fearful hope.

"Lorraine?"

Eyes magnetized to the asphalt tile floor. "Yes, Miss Chamberlin?"

"I know you're anxious to go, but you can spare a minute, can't you?"

"It's all right. Sure."

"I'm a bit puzzled, Lorraine."

"You are?"

"By your note."

"Oh, that."

"Of course, they're quite common. Crushes on teachers. Or can we call it that, Lorraine?"

All the wrong words. Lon had rehearsed the dialogue carefully, ready with impassioned responses to cue lines that failed in this moment to come. Shame and regret bore down from the ecru walls, weighing her with an uncomprehended guilt. "I don't know."

"I don't want to upset you, but as we grow older, Lorraine, we outgrow these impulses. I've always thought of you as level-headed and mature for your years. You read a lot, don't you?"

"Quite a bit"

"What do you like to read?"

"Oh—poetry. Books about the islands. I read just about anything."

"Do you spend most of your time this way? Alone? Reading?"

"Well, I have a part-time job. Saturdays. This summer I might get to work weekdays, too.”

"Baby-sitting, I suppose?"

A rankling accusation. "No. I work at the pet shop. Washing dogs."

"Do you have a lot of friends? Close friends?"

"I get along with the kids all right"

"Boys, too?"

"I get along with them, too."

"But no special boy?"

"I used to play ball a lot with Bud Schaeffer. Baseball. I used to get along great with him."

"But you don't play baseball now?"

Stupid questions, getting more senseless by the minute! "Who with? That was a long time ago."

"Yes, and I suppose he's like other boys. Busy working on his car... dating girls…"

"He doesn't know the first thing about cars. I wouldn't let him change the oil in my Plymouth. I washed a lot of flea-taxis to pay for that car. Well, the down payment and my dad gave me the rest, I mean. It's old, but I take good care of it"

"I don't know how to put this, Lorraine. I seem to be saying everything badly. But what I'm trying to tell you is that when a girl gets to be... What are you, sixteen? Seventeen?"

"Sixteen."

"She's usually thinking about clothes and dates. Working on a jalopy is... uh... writing a sentimental, almost unnatural note such as the one you left for me yesterday…"

"That was just a silly thing. I forgot all about it."

"I hope you did forget it Lorraine. A note such as yours might be misinterpreted." From out of her grab-bag of meaningless phrases, Miss Chamberlin pulled another. "I'm a woman, Lorraine. I'm thirty-two years old and unmarried. People... If someone read what you wrote to me, they might misunderstand." And in a tone that implied deep significance where Lon sensed only absurdity, "I live alone, you see."

"I know."

"You really do know. You actually know?"

"You live in one of Hardesty's duplexes. The ones with the fenced yard on Orange Grove."

"You went out of your way to find out personal details about my life?" There was dismay and disapproval in the question. Wasn't it enough that she hadn't said the things she was supposed to say? Did she have to make inane statements and then act shocked at the obvious answers? Lon lifted her eyes to the doorway, yearning.

"Lorraine, I appreciate your... I'm glad, that is, that you like me and that you've enjoyed this semester in my class. I'm hoping you'll find outlets that are more—shall we say, normal? You're a very attractive girl. Your hair's naturally wavy, isn't it?"

"That's from cutting it a lot. I like it short."

"I'd like to see you walk more gracefully. Why, a girl as slim and tall as you are could be a model. Surely you must have some fondness for pretty clothes?"

Lon tugged at her brown wool sweater-vest
Shut up! Just shut up and let me go! Oh, let me go!

"With dark brown hair, you can get away with wearing lovely colors. Coral pink, for instance. You don't want to look drab, Lorraine. Boys might find you very attractive if you set out a program for yourself and..."

"Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

"I suppose so. And I think you understand me. Do you, Lorraine?"

"I guess so."

"Then you don't think I'm saying these things to be critical? We're still friends?"

"I have to drive a couple of kids home," Lon lied. "They'll think I ditched them."

"Yes. Well, you run along, Lorraine." And, strangely confused, Lon thought, for one who had guided the whole conversation, "But you
do
understand about writing notes to... And about boys. You do understand what I mean?"

"Sure. I'll be seeing you, Miss Chamberlin."

And she hurried into the joy-filled corridor where someone yelped, "T.G.T.I.F.!" and a chorus responded, "You know it! Thank God this is Friday—the last Friday!" She hurried along the dark, warm hall, scalding moisture clouding her vision of the marbled walls until she was in the students' parking lot where the hot salt zigzag tears burned on her face. It began then; the thin trickle of sound that was not a sound within her head. It was deeper inside her body, where so much was compressed that could not be revealed, where the buried questions begged to be released. Not
why am I unlike the others,
but
why are the others unlike me?
And
I
want, I want, but what is it I want?

Some of the others sang now. Packed into cars and filled with the T.G.T.I.F. joy of singing:

Give a cheer, give a cheer,

For the boys who drink the beer,

In the cellars of Wellington High!

A raked Chevy screamed past her and the melody of the
Caisson Song
filled the dusty yard:

They are brave, they are bold,

And the liquor they can hold

Is the glory of Wellington High!

* * *

No one was waiting beside the beat-up Plymouth. No one waited for the gangling odd-ball with the hazel eyes, as no one had ever waited. Only the questions waited, as if in some seldom-dusted cobwebbed corner of her consciousness. And who would answer the questions? Who now? There were answers that some sphynx-like mother creature might know. Yet someone who, unmotherlike, would not advise, saying only, "This is why you ran to the bathroom and were sick when Bud Schaeffer touched your breast and kissed you; this is why you ache inside, running to the refuge of the Island, the secret you would have shared with the woman in English III; and this is why you trembled in tears and a violent gladness the afternoon her hand touched yours and she smiled—smiling, you were certain, for no one else."

Lon pulled open the car door. Far down the street the bawling voices receded:

And it's guzzle, guzzle, guzzle,

As it trickles down your muzzle,

And you hear them shout, "More beer!"

MORE BEER!

Lon turned the ignition key unsteadily, rammed an angry thumb against the starter button.
Mother-creature, lover-creature, someone, someone!
There had been someone, yet now no one was near. Now there was only the raging heat, the stinging pain of humiliation. That, and the thin minor wail, keen-edged. Transparent, quavering like her mother's edgy voice, yet dimly reminiscent, too, of space movies; the weird humming tone that sets the scene for some remote planet, horribly beautiful, breathlessly strange. No one near, and the only other occupants of the old tan car were familiar traveling companions—grown monstrously huge on this eighteenth day in June—confusion, hunger, and the shameful anger born of their union.

* * *

Lon parked the Plymouth, stepped out of it, and walked into the house.

It might be that the elementary school PTA was hosting a farewell tea for the teachers. Or maybe, even, the Brotherhood Week Committee was meeting at the church. Maybe, even, the Civic Betterment unit of the Women's Club was in session. Whatever the reason, Lon rejoiced. Her mother was not at home!

Wild, way out, crazy. No comments about the jeans Lon pulled on being belted too low. No shaking pronouncements about what people thought of a girl who tugged a red cotton T-shirt over her boyish chest and let it go at that. No queries about why Lon whacked a clod of half-frozen hamburger from a package in the refrigerator.

She took the ground meat to the open garage, laying it on the cement in a square of sunlight. Waiting for it to defrost, she knocked the neck off a 7-Up bottle with a hammer. Enjoying the process, she demolished the painted green bottle completely, pushing a few of the smaller pieces into an old leather glove. Then, breathing the short breaths of perverse excitement, the quick snatches of air that denote elation, she pounded the glove viciously with the hammer. When the glass was reduced to rough powder, she stuffed the hamburger inside the glove. She pounded meat and glass together under the leather binding. When the ingredients were one, she scooped the lethal mixture into a brown manila envelope, tossed the glove carelessly into a trash barrel, and returned, trembling with anticipated revenge, to the car.