Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Presents Flush Fiction

presents

FLUSH
FICTION

88 Short-Short Stories You Can Read
in a Single Sitting

Compiled by the editors
of the Bathroom Readers’ Institute

UNCLE JOHN’S BATHROOM READER®
FLUSH FICTION

Copyright © 2012 by the Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

“Bathroom Reader,” “Portable Press,” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.

For information, write:
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute, P.O. Box 1117,
Ashland, OR 97520
www.bathroomreader.com
email:
[email protected]

ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-675-3

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Uncle John’s bathroom reader presents flush fiction.

p. cm.
1. Short stories, American. 2. American fiction--21st century. I. Bathroom Readers’ Institute (Ashland, Or.) II. Title: Flush fiction.

PS648.S5U53 2012
813’.010806--dc23

2011051554

Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld, San Rafael, CA

(
[email protected]
)

First Printing

1  2  3  4  5             16  15  14  13  12

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

Gordon Javna

Brian Boone

Amy Miller

Jay Newman

Sheila Hart

Claudia Bauer

Michael Brunsfeld

JoAnn Padget

Kim Griswell

Melinda Allman

Sydney Stanley

Cynthia Francisco

David Hoye

Jennifer Frederick

True Sims

Ginger Winters

Annie Lam

Tom Mustard

Monica Maestas

Lillian Nordland

Thomas Crapper

What Is the Difference Between Optometrists and Opthamologists?
  |  
Eric Cline

The Old Man Had to Pee
  |  
Corey Mertes

Safety Drill
  |  
M. Garrett Bauman

And Then
  |  
Joe Novara

Dead Man’s Float
  |  
Sally Bellerose

The Taste of Failure
  |  
Andrew S. Williams

One Million Years B.F.E.: Diary of an Anthropologist in Exile
  |  
Merrie Haskell

Checking Out a Geezer
  |  
Florence Bruce

Prince Charming
  |  
Christina Delia

Curb Appeal
  |  
Katherine Tomlinson

Vanilla or Chocolate
  |  
Skye Hillgartner

The Newest Edition of Richard Phlattwaire
  |  
Jess Del Balzo

Two Urinals from Death
  |  
James Sabata

Cold Is My Love
  |  
Johnny Gunn

No Sweat
  |  
Phil Richardson

Precision Forged
  |  
Adrian Dorris

Death by Anything
  |  
Siobhan Gallagher

Jiggs and Bob
  |  
Charles N. Beecham

Wrestling with Alienation
  |  
Desmond Warzel

Shoot for Jesus
  |  
Courtney Walsh

Headhunter
  |  
William R.D. Wood

My First Foreign Woman and the Sea
  |  
Robert Perchan

Buttons
  |  
Edward Palumbo

Black Lung and Broken Heart
  |  
Tom J. Lynch

Irreverisble Dad
  |  
Kenton K. Yee

Death & Taxes
  |  
A.J. Sweeney

Brains for Breakfast
  |  
Beth Cato

Clueless
  |  
Eric Pinder

Mr. Agreeable
  |  
Kirk Nesset

The Secret Ingredient
  |  
Rebecca Roland

Late
  |  
David O’Neal

The Perfect Camping Trip
  |  
Gail Denham

The Unseeing Eye
  |  
Marsh Cassady

Aftermath
  |  
Corey Mesler

Rusty the Pirate (A Historical Feghoot)
  |  
R.W. Morris

Between the Trees
  |  
Daniel Chacon

14B
  |  
Nathaniel Lee

Bitchy Fish
  |  
Robert Taylor and Lindsay Gillingham Taylor

Duel
  |  
Darren Sant

Biggest! Fan! Ever!
  |  
Sonia Orin Lyris

The Right Job for the Man
  |  
Robert Pepper

Moan on the Range
  |  
Douglas Hutcheson

Confessions of a Husband Beater
  |  
Katherine A. Turski

The Other Foot
  |  
S. Michael Wilson

The Intergalactic Book Club
  |  
Daniel Kason

The Not-So-Ancient Chinese Proverb
  |  
S.G. Rogers

For Wile E. Coyote,
Apetitius giganticus
  |  
Jason Schossler

Around the Block
  |  
Courtney Walsh

The Waterhole
  |  
Colleen Shea Skaggs

Nothing
  |  
Douglas Smith

Long Tossed Like the Driven Foam
  |  
K.G. Jewell

The Boat
  |  
Steve Cushman

Grandma’s Pillbox
  |  
Celeste Leibowitz

In the Shadows
  |  
Janel Gradowski

Kitchen Basics
  |  
Sealey Andrews

A Star Gazer’s Manifesto
  |  
Sean Flanders

On the Shore
  |  
Deirdre M. Murphy

Detached
  |  
Noel Sloboda

The Second Rudolph
  |  
Cindy Tomamichel

A Glutton for Punishment
  |  
Thomas Pluck

Charlie Makes His Way
  |  
Peggy McFarland

Milk Jug Garden
  |  
Sally Clark

Proof in the Pudding
  |  
Brent Knowles

The Feminine Mystique
  |  
Elizabeth Creith

Traces of Max
  |  
Cathy C. Hall

The Sad Wonderful Life of Ed Fergler
  |  
Kathy Allen

Return of the Zombie
  |  
Michael Penkas

One Last Time
  |  
Cynthia Rogan

Coffee with Anna
  |  
Ginny Swart

Fresh Ideas
  |  
John P. McCann

Mysterious Ways
  |  
David Steffen

Health Tips for Traveler
  |  
David W. Goldman

The Loom of Doom Galls Mainly in the Tomb
  |  
Barry Ergang

The Souvenir You Most Want
  |  
Sue Burke

‘Til Death do Us Part
  |  
Elaine Isaak

The Corporation
  |  
Megan Todd Boone

My Wife
  |  
Steve Koppman

The Hamster
  |  
Tara Laskowski

Burn Baby Burn (The World’s Shortest Vampire Romance)
  |  
Jason Sanford

Succession: A Facebook Parable
  |  
John M. Solensten

Dr. Lookingood’s Extreme Miracle Weight Loss Powder™
  |  
Andrea Brill

Outside the Box
  |  
John Haggerty

Excuse Me
  |  
Scott W. Baker

A Great Weight
  |  
Joe Ponepinto

From the Ashes
  |  
Jamie Lackey

The Plum Pudding Paradox
  |  
Jay Werkheiser

Where Has the Dog Gone?
  |  
Lisbeth Mizula

Don’t Take This Personally
  |  
Richard Holinger

About the Authors

H
ere at the Bathroom Readers’ Institute, we usually make books about real-life: true stories about origins, strange events, and the crazy world around us. With
Flush Fiction,
we’re taking a big leap: Make believe. Fiction. Stories that happened only in people’s heads. (True story.)

In the last few years, “flash fiction” has grown into an exciting literary movement: super-short stories, all less than 1,000 words. We thought flash fiction would be a pretty great idea, perfect for those short, bathroom reading sessions. Except that, in keeping with our image, we decided to call it “flush fiction.”

The stories may be fictional, but this is still an
Uncle John’s
book, so that means that there’s something for everyone here, and there’s lots of humor and quirkiness. No matter what you like to read, you’ll find something in
Flush Fiction,
be it mystery, nostalgia, monsters, romance, or science fiction. And of course, lots of quirkiness and humor. (Be warned though—there is the occasional naughty word. We didn’t want to censor the writers.)

Anyway, we hope you enjoy these stories. They’re short on words, but not on fun. Thanks for reading, and, as always…

Go with the flow!

—
Uncle John and the BRI staff

Eric Cline

O
phthalmologists are idiots, that’s what!

Oh, I could say an optometrist measures for corrective lenses. I could say an ophthalmologist is a medical doctor.

But the real difference is: Ophthalmologists are fools,
pinheads
, JERKS, MOOOOORRRRRRONS!

I work in a strip mall in the same big parking lot as a professional building. I’m with the Westegg Optometry chain. But inside, I run the show. Me. Dr. Albert Pope, O.D.

My shop is between Chik-N-Rite and Pappasan’s Japanese Pizza.

I had successfully avoided those who worked in the professional building. But one day, getting out of my car, I saw two roughnecks sauntering out of Chik-N-Rite carrying Rite-As-Rain meal-deal bags in their grubby paws. I had on my white smock with “Dr. Pope” stitched on the pocket. I tried to avoid eye contact. I knew they were trouble by their long white coats and stethoscopes.