Unconditionally (Brown County #4) (2 page)

It was crazy to think that Gio and I had been broken up for almost a full year. He was my first ‘real’ love and even with time it never really got any easier. Giovani Vincenzo was Maggie Walker’s best friend, which was how we met; through her. He was a fitness trainer, an Italian fitness trainer.
My Italian stallion
, as I had often called him, even though he wasn’t mine anymore. We had a whirlwind romance and everything was fabulous, everything behind closed doors that is. If we were out in public, he would place miles between us and would act as if my touch burned his skin if I tried to get to close. He hadn’t really came out to anyone in the public eye about being gay, the least of all his parents. I wasn’t going to be with someone who had an aversion to me, my parents took care of that one.

I didn’t want anyone to change me or tell me how to live my life, so I wasn’t about to become a hypocrite and tell Gio how to live his.

He had since came out to his parents and his brother who were entirely accepting of his sexuality, which was how a parent should react. They shouldn’t have to feel as if they were a burden on their family and an outcast.

He’s recently tried countless times to get me to talk to him and for me to take him back, but in the end I didn’t know if I could do it. I still loved him, regardless he burned me so badly that I didn’t know if my heart could take a beating a second time. That wasn’t a way to go about being in a relationship, not being able to trust or being leery of the trueness of their affection.

I resumed my daily primping which included styling my jet black hair with mousse and applying cold cream to my face, to try and get rid of those pesky dark circles. After I brushed my teeth and placed my tooth brush back in its holder, I plastered on a fake smile and repeated my daily mantra to my reflection, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”

Being a children’s author or not, Dr. Seuss was a genius in his own right and it was hands down my all-time favorite quote.

I locked my bright neon green front door and turned to look out towards the passerby’s on the street. I lived in a townhouse, so I had neighbors on either side of me, some were pleasant others…not so much. It all came with the territory I supposed.

I chose the loudest color of Benjamin Moore paint that I could find, ultimately named Margarita, because it suited me perfectly. I was loud and I was proud. You would be able to spot my house from a mile away, the only one like it around and I preferred it that way. It was a statement and it reminded me so much of myself, not being able to hide and being the front and center of attention. But behind that door, away from the public’s eye, it was a whole different world, a side of me that most didn’t ever get to see. Loneliness.

On the outside, there was absolutely no hiding me, but on the inside, there were so many different nooks and crannies that could easily inhabit my insecurity.

Sure I had friends in abundance, but what I really wanted in life was that one special someone to devote my time and attention to and maybe one day even love.

I squared my shoulders back, straightened my posture, and I painted on my Toby bright white smile as I tried my best to put a pep in my step on my way to my Jeep. Most of the time my smile was genuinely true, but not today. No, today I would fake it with the best of them.

The day progressed extremely too slow and now I found myself sitting amongst my friends at DeNiro’s pizzeria trying to enjoy my birthday dinner.

The ladies at work tried to make today enjoyable for me by parading around presents and bringing in my favorite…cake. I was a lover of all food, I didn’t discriminate, and could easily eat my weight in it. No matter how much I stuffed my face with cookies and pies I never gained an ounce. Which was what made my best friend Emmalynne and I so compatible, she enjoyed making the most delicious desserts around and I enjoyed indulging in them, and did so quite frequently.

Even getting presents here from my friends normally would make me feel all giddy and extremely elated, but I just felt…off.

It wasn’t as if I was depressed about getting older, twenty-six was hardly a mid-life crisis age.

I was just completely over this entire day. I couldn’t tell you if it was because I was correct in my assumption of not hearing a single word from my parents. Or the fact that I was now twenty-six and still
alone.

Any who, back to my job…I bet you wouldn’t have guessed that I was a certified CPA?

Most thought that I was just an accountant, but it’s more than just that. Every CPA is an accountant but not all accountants were
Certified
Public Accountants. Being that I was certified meant that I was badass, and justifiably so, I had to undergo a series of rigorous tests to become that certified professional.

Oh, I’d heard it all. Why weren’t I a car salesman? An auctioneer? Or even a radio DJ?

I certainly had been extremely blessed with the gift of gab. Why on earth would I, a lively vibrant man, be involved in such a boring job?

It’s extremely simple, I loved numbers—they fascinated me. They were cut and dry, black and white. Entirely no room for that elusive ‘gray’ area.

My entire life was comprised of that gray area. Being homosexual, there wasn’t anything black and white about it like I wished there was. I couldn’t tell you how many times I was picked on as a child and even as an adult because I preferred men over women. In the end, underneath our clothes and our skin, we were each made up of the same structure. If you cut me, wouldn’t I bleed just the same as every human being? We were all the same, so what made people who were heterosexual any better than me?

Maybe one day we would all be treated the same.

Finally turning my attention back to all of my friends who took time out from their busy lives to come help me celebrate and here I was acting depressed and what’s worse, ungrateful which wasn’t the case at all.

Taking a look at all the people that were occupying four of DeNiro’s tables that had to be shoved together because our party was so large, I took in the happy expressions on each of their faces.

First up was my sister-in-law Emmalynne, even though my brother was no longer with us and she was married to Grady, I would always consider her family. I was so happy that she found her special someone, she deserved so much and more. My nephew Tucker was sitting next to Emmy and their little tot Charlotte was perched on Grady’s lap.

Mike and Sheridan were even in attendance with her son Ben. They were newly engaged, I could see the sparkles in her eyes whenever she would admire her ring. She had a lot to deal with before she came to Brown County, rather unexpectedly too.

And we learned last fall, Mike hadn’t had it easy either. He was extremely brave to open his heart for Ben and had been an amazing father.

My crazy partner in crime, Tessa and her extremely patient husband Brock and their son Blake was seated on the other end. You could hear Tessa’s loud and boisterous voice above everyone else’s.

Across from me was Maggie and Charlie and their daughter, Bailee who was busy blowing raspberries to the waiter, that girl was a heartbreaker in the making.

It was who was seated next to Maggie who genuinely surprised me. Gio sat there chancing glances at me while he dragged around his fork in his half eaten salad. I had been dodging phone calls from him for a while and succeeded, until now.

I felt as if I had nothing more to say to him. I wasn’t going to be with someone who had doubts about being a gay man even if he had since come out. If I was still in love with him or not, sometimes love just wasn’t enough and you couldn’t overcome the pain in your heart.

Actually seeing him for the first time in months, it brought back the memory of the very first night I was introduced to Giovanni Vincenzo. As I said I met him through Maggie Walker, a mutual friend, she had just started coming around the gang and was majorly crushing on Charlie, our bass guitarist. She and Gio both showed up at Emmy Lou’s one night and within one look at the man, I was hooked. Being me I never shied away from acknowledging someone if I thought they were cute and voicing my opinion. Once we grasped each other’s palms in a pleasant exchange something zapped right through me and shook me to my core and made it physically incapable for me to speak, I could only rove my eyes up and down his delectable body.

After not being able to get his piercing blue eyes off of my mind, several weeks later I obtained his phone number in exchange for some dating advice. I couldn’t recall the last time when I had been so nervous to talk to someone on the phone, but after the first few minutes of awkwardness we each relaxed a bit and ended up spending most the night talking. Living two hours away from each other, we spent countless hours talking on the phone about anything and everything. Hopes, dreams, aspirations, you name it we talked about it.

Toby

After dinner was over, I showed my appreciation and said my goodbyes to each of my friends, and I found myself traveling to Big Pete’s.

It was this amazing gay bar about forty-five minutes outside of Brown County. I needed alcohol and man candy who could make forget about the tense conversation that took place after the dinner party and Roman was exactly the ticket.

Emmalynne had cornered me on my way out of DeNiro’s, having known each other for several years, she could tell that something was up. She inquired as to why I hadn’t stopped by her bookstore, Turn the Page this morning, as I did every morning. But it wasn’t the conversation with her that put me on edge.

I had done my best to ‘dodge’ Gio during dinner but I couldn’t quite outrun him in the parking lot especially when he was waiting for me, leaning against the driver’s side door of my Jeep.

My distaste couldn’t be hidden as I walked towards him, stopping a few feet away, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “Why did you come here, Gio?” I didn’t mean to be rude, but my ‘give a fuck’ was officially broken. I knew Maggie felt bad because she kept giving me subtle apologetic expressions throughout the course of the dinner. I didn’t know where he got the hint that he was welcome, and it utterly killed me inside to see him there.

He took a hesitant step forward and reached his hand towards my face, in a move to try and caress my cheek. I wanted so badly to relax into his touch, but I wasn’t a doormat. You couldn’t just snap your fingers for me whenever you felt like it, thinking that I would come running.

Before his fingers made contact with the skin of my face, I took a step backwards, moving us even farther apart.

Gio reluctantly dropped his arm back down at his side before locking eyes on me, “Come on, Toby. I made a mistake, give me another chance.”

The glint in his eye made me think that he was truly sorry for his past digressions.

I was all for giving second chances, but I didn’t like the fact that he completely blindsided me in coming here and practically ambushed me. I didn’t react well to being cornered to where I felt uncomfortable. And above all else, I just didn’t know if my heart could take that hurt again.

I sighed deeply before I began speaking, “You did make a mistake, Gio, a big one. The way you just disregarded my feelings before hurt.” I wasn’t desperate, even though I wanted nothing more than to have a strong man by my side day in and day out, I wouldn’t take him back out of desperation. Sometimes people took people back who didn’t necessarily deserve it, because they didn’t want to lose that person. That wasn’t going to be me. I wouldn’t allow it. “You stuck a knife so deep into my chest whenever you acted as if you were ashamed to be seen with me. I am a proud gay man and I…I loved you.” I had only ever told him that admission once, and that was when all hell broke loose.

And even though I just told him that I had loved, I wasn’t about to tell him that my feelings still ran deep. It was so hard for me to hold myself back instead of just lunging myself into his arms.

My gaze honed in on the two gloriously meaty forearms in which I lusted after so much. I felt my resolve waning, I had to get out of there.