Uncorked (24 page)

  1.
NINETY POINTS MEANS I’LL LIKE IT
. A high rating just means that someone, who may or may not have this vineyard as a major advertiser, likes it. A 90-point wine is unlikely to be crummy, but that’s setting the bar a little low. It’s better to experiment with a few inexpensive bottles and find what you enjoy. Armed with your preferences, a good wine merchant should be able to give you excellent suggestions.

  2.
ALL WINE SHOULD BE STORED ON ITS SIDE
. Common wisdom is that wine benefits from the cork maintaining contact with the liquid it is there to protect. The wine prevents the cork from drying out and therefore prevents damaging air from slipping in. More recent studies point to the benefits of keeping
wine at a slight angle, allowing the cork to sit against enough wine to keep it moist, but with enough air to allow the bottle to breathe. According to both the Oxford Companion to Wine and the Comité Interprofessionel du Vin de Champagne (CIVC), champagne should be stored upright as moist contact with the wine can damage a cork’s elasticity, thereby letting in damaging oxygen.

  3.
THE MORE EXPENSIVE THE WINE, THE BETTER IT IS
. You would think we all would know better. This is not true, but some vineyards deliberately play on this insecurity by jacking up their prices to imply higher quality. This practice so irks our wine director that he sometimes will go to great lengths to dissuade a buyer from selecting what he considers to be an overpriced wine. This is not exactly what an owner wants to overhear, but you have to admire his integrity.

  4.
IT’S GOING TO GIVE ME A HEADACHE
. People get headaches from wine for two reasons: they are sensitive to sulfites, the naturally occurring by-product of winemaking that often is added as a preservative, or they drink too much. All wines have some sulfites, but white wines generally have less than do reds. Natural and organic wines typically are made with the lowest amount of added sulfites possible. To avoid headaches, try a natural white. Or refrain from emptying that bottle!

  5.
RED WINE IS MORE SERIOUS THAN WHITE
. Nor does the color of your beverage need to be related to your gender. Both observations are just steakhouse myths. Try a glass of Chateau d’Yquem, the honey-colored French Sauterne, which is one of the most coveted and expensive wines in the world. Or take a sip of Bâtard Montrachet. Or crack open a Riesling from Germany’s Saar Valley. You will discover that red wine is no more worthy of veneration over white wine than are red cars over white ones.

  1.
CAT’S PISS:
The desirable smell of some Sauvignon Blancs. A compliment used by nerds to be racy. “Boxwood” is used as a more polite synonym for this aroma.

  2.
CHEWY:
A wine so full-bodied that you could gnaw on it. Another compliment.

  3.
CORKED:
The unpleasant musty flavor from a cork fungus. It basically means that the wine is junk.

  4.
DIRTY SOCKS:
Usually a bad thing, except in moderation in a few very exquisite French Burgundies, in which the term is meant to invoke the pleasing aroma of decay that arises from a wet forest floor rather than the stink of old running shoes.

  5.
FLABBY:
A derisive term that refers to a wine without sufficient acidity.

  6.
FRUIT BOMB:
A wine that tastes overwhelmingly like grapes. It can be appealing, but it’s considered unrefined.

  
7.
FUNKY:
Smells like rotting organic material, such as a wet log. It can be good or bad. Serious collectors tend to like some funk in their wines (see “
Dirty socks
,” above).

  8.
HOT:
A wine that burns your tongue with too much alcohol.

  9.
RISING BREAD DOUGH:
A yeasty smell often found in champagnes. It’s considered somewhat negative unless you call it “biscuity” or “toasty,” which means the same thing but sounds better.

10.
PETROL:
The gasoline-like attribute of some very vaunted German Rieslings. Although it sounds disgusting, a petrol or diesel nose is a desirable trait.

  1.
YOU HAVE TO GET A LITTLE TIPSY
. We taste sixty to seventy wines in our weekly appointments with distributors, and nothing I ever read has taught me more. I spit (at least when it’s not a vintage Barolo), but I still feel slightly woozy after a couple of hours.

  2.
SKIP THE COFFEE
. That cup of joe will kill your palate for a good half hour.

  
3.
FORGET THE “LEGS.”
Earnest wine tasters study the drips on the inside of the glass as if reading tea leaves. Pros look at the color of a wine for various things—hints that it may have been chemically altered, signs that it may be past its prime—but no one really cares about the dribbles.

  4.
LEAVE THE GARGLING FOR MOUTHWASH
. Neophytes often make a big production out of swishing wine around their mouths. But what you really want is just a gentle swirl, enough so that those aromas can reach the back of your nose.

  5.
SNIFF THE CORK TO SEE IF THE WINE IS BAD, NOT TO REACH ORGASM
. Deep inhalation and fondling of the wine’s stopper is another newbie tip-off.

  1.
PULL OUT
. Check a bottle for obvious suspicious signs: Is the label unmarked? Is the capsule (the metal cover that encloses the cork) in good condition? Beat-up bottles can reflect a history of equally rough storage. When you remove the capsule, check to see that there are no obvious red flags here too, such as moldy or protruding corks.

  2.
POP
. Take a look at the cork. Does it look okay (not crumbling or green)? Does it smell okay (no funky odors)? If it’s an expensive bottle, does the name on the cork match the one on the bottle? Skip enthusiastic fondling and dramatic resniffing of said cork. That just makes you look like a pretentious nitwit.

  
3.
LEAVE OPEN
. Most wines get better when exposed to a little air, so leave the bottle open for up to twenty minutes before serving. Red wines, particularly old ones, like to be decanted. This allows the wine to be aerated and any sediment to be removed. Whatever you decant will need to be drunk that day. Only in the rarest situations is a wine actually better the next day.

  4.
POUR
. For maximum aeration, fill to the widest part of the glass (less if you are not going to drink it).

  5.
LOOK
. There are some people who can’t help but marvel at the colors of wines as if they were pondering a Monet water lily. I am not one of them. I take note (light red, golden yellow, etc.) but generally I am looking for something suspicious, such as a brown cast that could indicate that the wine is past its prime or has been exposed to heat. I don’t go crazy admiring a wine’s color and limit my ogling to my wife.

  6.
SWIRL
. This part is tricky to do without looking silly. A flick of the wrist does indeed help bring out the most in a wine by further aerating it as well as encouraging the aromas to waft up the glass. However, avoid ostentatious whirling and vigorous shaking. You want to open up the wine’s bouquet gently. In the Northern Hemisphere, you can choose to swirl counterclockwise (the opposite direction that water naturally goes down a drain) for maximum effect. Just don’t draw attention to it.

  7.
SNIFF
. With the bottle open, most of us are tempted to dive right in. Pause. Smelling a wine does not have to be snooty. Linger over the aroma not because you are acting like a wine aficionado but because you want to savor something enjoyable. To skip smelling a wine is to deprive oneself of part of the visceral reward of drinking it.

  
8.
SIP
. Some pros swear by a sucking method by which the wine is practically vaporized before it goes down your throat. Almost like whistling in reverse, this dramatic technique is effective but is overkill in most situations. An unhurried swish followed by a gentle pass over the tongue is all you need to really taste a wine. The key here is to breathe, as so much of a wine’s taste is in the smell. Just avoid the bottoms-up gulps you practiced with shots of spring break tequila. And if you taste more than a few bottles at a time, don’t forget to spit!

  9.
INVITE
. Tasting is always more fun when shared. I love tasting wines with friends, even if we disagree.

10.
REPEAT
. Let blowhards make ceremonial fusses at important business dinners and wedding receptions over napkin-wrapped bottles of expensive wines. Instead, seek out regular enjoyment of the thousands of truly enjoyable wines under $20. In a few months, you will know more than they ever will about good wine.

  1.
MOSCATO AND LEMON RISOTTO:
Dry, aromatic white meets zesty rice for a refreshing hookup.

  
2.
RIESLING AND SEA SALT-CRUSTED MUSSELS
: Sweet offsets salt, and you don’t have to be a wine geek to find yourself oohing.

  3.
LAMBRUSCO AND SALUMI:
This tart and sparkling red is just the thing to cut the richness of prosciutto and Parmigiano. It’s a classic combination but one worth remembering in light of Lambrusco’s lingering and outdated reputation as gooey 1970s fizz. Good Lambrusco is also ideal with Mexican food and barbeque.

  4.
CHIANTI CLASSICO AND RIBOLITTA:
A classic combination that’s a textbook case for figuring out how food can enhance wine. Chianti’s rich flavors are highlighted by this tomato-y white bean stew, which also drowns out its harsher tannins.

  5.
MEURSAULT AND MORELS:
Pair smoky whites with blanquettes de veau, a French veal stew, smothered with creamy morels for love on a mossy forest floor.

  6.
CHINON AND SALMON:
A chilled, light red (yes, red) tames this rich fish.

  7.
PINEAU DE CHARENTES AND ALMONDS
: A slightly sweet brandy mixed with grape juice is not wine but is just the thing for almonds, especially with almond pound cake or tangy amaretti (almond cookies).

  8.
CHAMPAGNE AND POPCORN:
Crisp bubbly meets hot buttered popcorn for the best high-low combination since Katherine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy.

  9.
BEAUJOLAIS AND ROAST CHICKEN:
The secret to this simple combo is in the quality of both the food and the wine. Splurge on a cru Beaujolais, a graceful wine that won’t overwhelm the
bird. And get the best Bresse chicken, roasted in a lemony sea salt crust.

10.
BAROLO AND TRUFFLES:
Food and wine from the same place, Piedmont’s Asti in this case, often make perfect pairings. Gamy aged Barolo is tailor-made for matching with a few shavings of these musky, earthy mushrooms over pasta fresca (freshly made egg noodles).

Here’s to you both,

A perfect pair,

On the anniversary of your love affair.

You’re not as young as you used to be

But you’re not as old as you’re going to be

So watch it!

—IRISH PROVERB