UNFORGETTABLE (Able Series Book 3) (10 page)

I watch his finger glide down from my lip, to my jaw, then to my neck, stopping where my heart is. “I love you. I love this.” As if I’m a canvas he’s painting by tracing every dip as his fingers run along the valley of my breasts, then rests on my stomach where our child used to be. He lets his tears go, and I don’t think it’s for me—not at all. I’m witnessing his own regret for another life loss—one of his own . . . one of ours.

His palm rests against my skin as he kneels, then his lips soon follow as another painful declaration leaves his mouth, “I love you. I’m sorry for making you feel I didn’t want you; believe me, I do. I want you so badly, imagining I’m holding you is the only way to ease the pain. I’m sorry I lost you before you found me.”

He stands and lays his soft lips against my forehead; lingering there for a bit before turning around and walking away. As I watch him walk farther and farther away from me, the sound of the closing door is the sole witness of this painful decision. I finally—finally let it all out.

I need to let him go to teach him how to let go.

BRIAN

“BRO, YOU NEED TO GET
your shit together, man.”

Groaning, I swat whoever is trying to wake me up.

“You’ve been doing this for two weeks, now. I can’t continue covering up for you every time my dad asks about you and my sister.”

“Jake, just go!”

“You need a serious intervention, B. The girls are worried about you.
Tami’s
worried about you. Do you get that?” Cody’s voice grates my nerves.

Though I try my hardest to stop it, a pained laugh escapes me. Hearing Cody say ‘Tami is worried about me’ is a sick joke and a false truth rolled into one.

“She’s worried? That’s bullshit! This is her fucking idea! Two weeks, Jake. Two fucking weeks!”

“God, can you give her some slack? She just lost a baby for crying out loud, and one that she’s been dying to have, so forgive her for asking for time!”

I stand up, going toe to toe with my best friend. How dare he belittle what the fuck I’m feeling, right now. No one . . . no one knows what I’ve lost. How much I’ve lost. How painful this loss is for me.

“And, how the fuck do you think I feel? I lost our baby, too. This is the second one I’ve lost! Second! Twice! Two! So, please, don’t tell me I don’t know what and how the fuck she feels!”

Jake pushes me, and Cody is quick to get between us, stopping what seems to be two freight trains coming straight toward each other at full speed.

“You fucking bailed on my sister, you idiot! Days! You stew, getting your head straight while she sits at home not knowing what the hell to think, and you’re complaining she hasn’t looked your way? On top of losing her child, you make her feel alone. So, please, don’t tell me not to tell you, you fucked the hell up.”

I push Jake this time, and Cody pushes me back. “Hey! Hey! Stop it! They’re in the kitchen, Brian. If they hear us fighting, it’ll just make things worse. I suggest you sit down and sing fucking ‘Kumbaya.’” He turns to Jake and points at him. “And you, I called you to act as a damn referee, not to join the shit. Do I need to call Gunny to set you boys straight, because I will.”

I turn around and walk toward the dresser trying to control my raging emotions. I never lose my shit, and every strong emotion that hits me just makes me feel as though I’m losing my mind. I honestly don’t know how or what to feel. I know she’s hurting, but I am, too. This loss is so much more painful. Maybe because it’s with her, maybe because so much of her is embedded deep inside me, I feel double the pain . . .

“I’m not discounting her hurt, Jake. I’m not. If I could take it away, you know I would. I know exactly how she feels, and trust me when I tell you, it’s a different kind of pain. I didn’t bail on her. You know me better than that. I just need a moment to get over my shit. This is her idea. I’m just doing what she wants.”

“Are you talking about guilt, Brian? You didn’t cause this.”

“Cody, we had sex before she told me, and then she lost the baby days later. It’s the same exact thing that happened to Lorraine. I’m beginning to think it’s me. I’m causing Tami so much pain, I’m afraid she hates me, fucking terrified she’s going to leave me. I’ve lost enough; I don’t think I could survive losing her, too.”

“And yet, you’re allowing misconceptions and insecurities to ruin it! How many times do I have to tell you, this is not your fault? What happened to Lorraine wasn’t your fault. Have you thought that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be? Maybe those were just the cards you were dealt at that time. You need to get over the fear to move forward, Brian. Just.Do.It!”

“Oh, and you’re the expert, right? Just because you almost died, doesn’t give you the right to tell me what the fuck to do, how to feel, or how to analyze life!”

Jake comes barreling toward me, pushing Cody aside, and grabs my shirt pulling me to him. “You want to fucking go there. I’ll take you there. Yes, I almost died and didn’t, but the damn fear was there all the damn time. The fear of dying, the fear of losing Trish. The look of fear in her eyes, the fear of being in pain, the fear of one day being the last, the fear of not seeing the fucking sun again, the fear of fucking fear itself, but I pushed it back because I had to . . . because I needed to for Trish and for myself. It’s what we do. It’s what you need to do. At some point, you have to accept what is and what was to see what’s ahead.”

With my own anger hanging by a thread, I say, “But, she didn’t lose you. I lost a piece of me. Can’t you understand that?”

“I get that, but you are losing a piece of yourself each and every time you allow fear to rule you. Don’t you get that? You’re changing what you want, and how your life is supposed to go because of fear. That’s not you, Brian.”

“You don’t know shit! How can you possibly know how I feel, huh? When you have four of yours alive and breathing! Get the fuck out!”

Jake walks out, but not until his fist hits the wall creating a huge hole in addition to the hole I’ve already created. The wall has holes like my damn heart. Cody remains stock still while he looks at me, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I don’t know how you feel, not by a long shot and trust me, I don’t want to even begin to guess; however, one thing I know, it’s killing you and destroying the woman you love. I thought this time apart was supposed to fix shit, not make it worse. You have to let this go; otherwise, it’ll only ruin everything you’ve ever wanted. I almost lost Roxy, and she almost lost me; can you afford to lose Tami? Look at yourself closely in the mirror, you’ve already lost half of yourself. Accept what is, because it’s the only way out. That’s the only door left to open, Brian.”

“You don’t know how I feel. No one does. The sooner everyone accepts that the better for me.”

“I lost my parents, remember? I wasn’t able to say goodbye, or even tell them I love them. I may not have lost a child, but death doesn’t know a name, color, age; but the effect is the same. It’s the same crippling pain that stops everything that moves in your life. We’ve seen enough deaths, Brian. Remember, on a steep mountain, a damn desert, a God forsaken country, but what do we do when we see someone die next to us? We bring them home. Bring yourself home to Tami, because she’s waiting.”

Turning away from him, I point toward the door. “Don’t let it hit you on your way out. I don’t need anyone to tell me how to fucking feel, or how to get over this shit. I’ll do it on my own.”

“Yeah, do it on your own, bury yourself in work and booze; that’s a master plan if you ask me. While you’re at it, get a knife and stab her on the back since that’s where you’ve been standing all this time, behind her instead of beside her.”

Ignoring him, I go straight to the bathroom and let the cold water freeze me the fuck out. I know what I need to do. God knows I do, but it’s hard to take the first step, because once I do, the loss will be permanent. Not that it isn’t, of course it is, but I’m not ready to meet its finality . . . not yet. I want to wallow in pain and fear for a little while longer, because facing my future isn’t something I’m looking forward to. Is it even worth trying again, knowing the possibility of losing another is so real I can taste it? Why do I want to subject myself to that pain, again? Why? I don’t even know.

Can I truly give Tami want she wants without sacrificing my own sanity? I don’t know, and until I do, I’ll stay in survival mode where I just breathe to live.

TAMI

I’m like a breathing statue while I sit here and listen to the boys arguing with Brian. His words are daggers to my heart, and the sad timbre that accompanies those words are seared into my memory. It seems to me, we need more time, or that he needs more time to get over this.

“Geez, I should have convinced Jake to stay with the quads.”

“Trish, he needs to be here to set Brian straight. My brother’s been babysitting him for two weeks now. Do you know what time they came home last night?”

Shaking her head, Trish says, “He can’t continue doing this. Tami, you have to talk to him already.”

With her brows scrunched up, Roxy scoffs out loud, “That’s why I called Jake! Do you get it, now?”

“I need to get out of here. Where’s Neil?” Looking at my watch, praying for someone to save me.

“Brian’s been drowning himself in work and booze while you’re doing the same.” Giving her a death glare, Roxy corrects herself. “Fine, you’re killing yourself in work, not booze, happy? What a pair you guys make. You two were supposed to be the ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’ of our hip group.”

“As far as I know, I’m working. I’m not a danger to myself or others, so will you just cut the drama. Don’t you have a doctor’s appointment to go to?”

“Be in denial. See how far that takes you. You’ve told us before, communication is the key. I don’t see you practicing what you’ve been preaching.”

“I also told you everything has a season. There’s always . . .”

Roxy whistles to interrupt me again. “What season are you waiting for, winter? Ha! By then, Brian will need a liver transplant.”

“All I’m saying is, if Brian isn’t ready to let go of his fears, we’ll never move forward.”

Trish pulls a chair and sits next to me. “Are you ready to talk?”

“Trish, I’m ready; ready as I’ll ever be. Am I sad? Sure, but I think the difference is I’ve learned to accept it; Brian hasn’t. The pain is constant, Trish, to the point where I don’t want to wake up so I won’t feel it. But, when it’s my reality, how do you escape it? I can’t. Since I can’t, I can only receive what’s given to me and learn to welcome the truth along with the reality that this—the pain, the loss will fade in time. I’m sure he still blames himself. I’m also sure he’s told himself he’ll never ever want another child with me or anyone else. Do I want to be with someone who’ll live forever in fear and smother in guilt? I mean, forget about having another child. I love him enough to understand his misgivings. We can always adopt, right? But, how can he truly be happy and free from it all if he refuses to accept his fate?”

Trish gasps loudly, “You mean, you’re okay with not having kids? Are you sure? That’s all you’ve ever wanted, Tami.”

Smiling sadly at my sister-in-law who’s had her fair share of heart ache, I think the least I can do is learn to accept what’s handed to me, instead of fighting it.

I shrug my shoulders in resignation. “I love him. I have faith that if it’s in God’s plan for us to have a child, then that’s what’s going to happen. I’m tired of fighting it. I’m tired of thinking of what I want and when I want it. I’m tired of worrying when I’m gonna get pregnant, how old I’m getting, what will my future be because really I can sit here and plan all night long, but it’s not up to me. When I lost our baby, it took me awhile to understand everything, but now that I do. I’m really okay. I get that, now. Time isn’t my friend, but faith is . . . hope is. I have to believe—I have to.”

“So, now all you’re waiting for is Brian to get on board?”

“I want him to be free of whatever burden he thinks he needs to carry. I want him whole for me, for us. Mom always tells me everything in life has a season. A season to mourn, a season to celebrate, a day of death, a day of life, and so on. Maybe, it’s our season to mourn, but I’d like to think there will be a day we’ll celebrate life instead of death. Sure, there are days where I question God profusely, but I have to stop myself from doing it constantly because what good will that do?”

Jake walks in with a scowl on his face followed soon after by Cody. Trish wastes no time in calming Jake, while Cody gives Roxy a pained smile. I knew then that Brian is still in the dark. How I wish I could pull him out of it, but what good would that do. It would only be a temporary fix, and I don’t want that, at least not for us.

“Tami, I tried. Brian needs to work on his shit his way. I can’t possibly help him if every single time I try, he tells me I don’t know what he’s going through. To be honest, I don’t. What I do know is he needs you, T.”

“Tami, you’re the glue that binds this group, so go fix our boy. Super glue the shit out of him,” Cody quickly says to kill the heaviness suffocating everyone.

Trish and Roxy laugh out loud while my brother just glares at Cody. All I know is that I need to get out of here. I need to work, work, work, and then I’ll deal with it tonight . . . if he comes home in time. Just then, my savior comes in the form of my assistant, Neil. If there’s one person who could cause a deversion from the awkwardness of this situation, it would be him.